“ack im one year less then 20 freaky! yeah i dont feel different but thats how birthdays work. Either way alot of stuff i suppose has happened in the last year, mostly in this year of the last year, am i making any sense no? but do i ever make any sense. Im just talking right now, just letting my fingers do the transcribing. I dont know what the next year will hold but i find i dont like looking ahead far. And another thing ive over come the regret that i feel about certain things. i realize that eventually one comes to understand that everything had to happen this way or the good things you have now ( and the bad) would not be in your life right now. You would be a totally different person if you had said no, or if you had said yes or whatever....I dunno i dont want to say everything happens for a reason-but everything does happen and obvioulsy it brings you to where you are now for better or for worse. i guess my point is being alive is what im happy for right now. being able to feel is what im happy for, i dont ever want to go completely numb. I dont want to go back to that time i had forgotten about. i almost feel like its sneaking up on me again though, but this time nstead of being numb about it, im letting fill me up. “

This is what I wrote about on my last birthday March 25, 2005. My recent birthday just passed on Saturday and I read back over what I had written a year ago. I’ve been reading in between the lines and I know now that I was truly uncertain on that day, My words were merely blankets to cover that. In context I know that I had just been through rough times and I thought the near future would either be loneliness or filled with events similar to the happenings of last February. Anyway on my birthday night last year, I tumbled into a bottle of vodka and let Dionysus and his maenads pull me into a state of chaos, which later in the year re-birthed into ecstasy once I finally left the campus grounds. I came back renewed with a new poll of support to lift the roof. And here I am at school, not successful in the academic parts, but I do not thing I ever was or ever will be in that department, but supremely satisfied and excited about what I have now in life. Or should I say whom I have now in life. Oh yeah and being 20 feels the same.

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From March 3
My skin is wet. I want it to be thin like silk and to slowly let the water drip through. In between the storms I live to let the wind blow my hair in all directions. I think of where it came from and I want to go to those places some day. The flowers in the trees are like white plastic spoons. I dream that last night it snowed on just those threes.

There’s a strange feeling I get when I think about the separation. The growing canyon between myself and old and new friends I have. It seems everyday I am letting them slip away even though I don’t mean for it to happen of course. It’s just happening because of the different things we do and places we are in both physically and mentally.

Really truly I don’t know whom I will know in the future. It’s had to think of a scenario that James would not be in or that I would not wish him to in. Seems he wriggles his way into my dreams so that he were so close to me as to be my hand or spine.

Continued (today)...
Sometimes in the dark times I wonder if something’s are squished. I wonder if I am the grapefruit I push on to the juicer. Vital life is being squeezed out leaving the empty skin hallowed. But I am happy, there is no way getting around it. When I feel sad the stregnth of the feeling is never too strong to push me over into pools I once squabbled in. There seems to always be a hand reaching down through the shimmering light of the lantern. I never stray to far from it's safety and it always rescues me, always...

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Young Pilgrims by The Shins

A cold and wet November dawn
and there are no barking sparrows
just emptiness to dwell upon.

I fell into a winter slide
and ended up the kind of kid who goes down chutes too narrow
just eking out my measly pipe.

But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I
know there is this side of me that
wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
fly the whole mess into the sea.

Another slow train to the coast
some brand new gory art from way on high
I sink and then I swim all night.

I watch the ice melt on the glass
while the eloquent young pilgrims pass
and leave behind their trail
imploring us all not to fail.

Of course I was raised to gather courage from those
lofty tales so tried and true
if you're able, I'd suggest it 'cause this
modern thought can get the best of you.

This rather simple epitaph can save your hide, your falling mind
fate isn't what we're up against there's no design, no flaws to find
there's no design, no flaws to find.

But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I
know I got this side of me that
wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
fly the whole mess into the sea.

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