Monday, February 18, 2013
Do you ever watch cats do something and it appears they're compelled to do it. It's as if they have no choice in the matter. Our little girl cat likes to try to bury her left over wet food by scratching the linoleum. Never once has she come back later to eat it anyway, never once has she actually buried it! But she does it none the less. Somehow I feel like she can't help herself even though she knows better. Is this instinct? I guess it has to be. I've been trying to think of something comparable in humans and the only thing I can think of is finding a mate.
Things are moving quickly. Suddenly this year I feel a lot older. And it's not even my age. I just feel like I'm moving closer to the real me which is dumb because I am me now and I will always be me no matter what I am doing, where I am, who I am with etc. I already returned in January and I made no report of my feelings about it here. I suppose I thought I would have more feelings about it but really the only thing that had an impression on me was flying over the desert, even when we went down to the ocean the smell was lost on me. Los Angeles itself is just not where my heart is or ever has been. I feel like I'm looking forward more to what I should do with myself and instead of being discourage I'm beginning to build confidence. I can only credit this to the amazing positive energy I'm surrounded with everyday. It cradles me without crippling me. Meaning it's doing it's work on me.
In the meantime we're preparing to move suddenly, which is what we wanted but it's happening now rather than later. Then probably before we're even settled will be going back to Los Angeles for a real visit. I'll be in Austin in April for only two nights, my sister is turning 50, and perhaps after all of that I can consider a car. But I'm telling you my values or I suppose what was in the back of my mind when I was younger is becoming more prominent in my wants.
