I've practically memorized the xmas card Jordan sent to me, teehee.
Okay, dumbest post ever I know...but I just don't know how to express myself any other way about it.
In other news, I don't really have any other news...haha.
So 2008 has been the year with the most blog posts so far, and I reached my goal of more then 100.
Books:
I just finished the last book written in Charlaine Harris' southern vampire series, and discovered that book 9 will be released sometime in May. Thank goodness that is so far away...my brain is practically mush from the bazillion pages of trashy, crappy, but ultimately addicting stories.
In fact this year, I've read a lot of books. And I'm very very very happy for it. I thought after school I'd probably stop doing anything mentally stimulating. But I guess I ended up craving the stimulation. (Same with writing, as I mentioned with my opening sentence!)
Reflections of my year with Jordo:
I've been peering into the past. In fact trying to remember this time last year. For some reason it seems ancient, and kind of well, like the memory is something tangible, that its disintegrating. I read a couple of the blogs from back then, of which there were a lot. I remember crying on the phone to Jordan, I remember yelling at him down the phone in the back of Rainbow Acres. I remember how huge the distance was between us. The sense of insecurity. How much I was stuck in the past. All that damn emotional baggage. How much I was expecting. Too much. I was expecting so much, dying for things to be familiar, for him to be the way I thought boyfriends were supposed to be, in fact for a while after I got home in May, I was still doing it, still expecting.
Luckily I let go of my emotional baggage when I cut James out completely, refusing to talk to him. Refusing to let the memories haunt me, and riddle me with fake illusions. When I did that, I was released of my emotional baggage. And when I had coffee with him, all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was in his presence, not because I still cared for him, but because I couldn't figure out why I dated him in the first place. I mean yeah I remember happy things, but really in the end, I don't have any connections with him at all anymore. Its a void area. Its a wonderful feeling. Time and distance does the trick.
Its only been recently, like in the last month or two that I've actually let go of a lot of expectations that were causing me to wonder if Jordan was worth anything at all. But he's worth so much more since I understand and let go of him. I think Scotland proved that the most. I didn't know what to expect. Was my clingy side going to take over me? Was I going to be miserable away from him. I wasn't. It was wonderful. Before I went, we had those conversations. And I finally realized, that there was nothing I was doing wrong. It was all up to him. I just had to do my own thing, stop trying to force things onto a path that I assumed was the one that all relationships take.
Since then, things have only improved tremendously. Its silly sounding, but the less I'm concerned about him the more it works out. I mean obviously I'm concerned, but I've adjusted my approach to it, from clingy, bossy, expecting, controlling, self destructive, to doing my own thing essentially. I just said fuck it, he doesn't want me in that way, then I don't want him either in that way. So I read the Sookie books, I actually played wow solo, achieving goals without anyone else (which I had never done before), went to Scotland, stayed at home alone, went out with the girls etc. And eventually because I relieved the pressure of "why aren't things going a specific way", things ended up improving between us. Now they are going a way I rather like, a lot, of their own natural volition. In fact things that had disappeared have now flared up with a vengeance. We are getting so used to each other, that we've built the connections between us, and we compiment each other well, in that we've learned the right responses. (Theres a lot more to that last statement, but I don't think it has much to do with this particular subject)
And so the point is, I'm very happy, despite the fact that I have terrible days. Ultimately right now, after this holiday season, (which tends to make one reflect and be thankful and crap), I am a mountain of solid happiness, which only sometimes gets blanketed a snow of unhappiness. How cheesy is that analogy? Anyway, who knows where things go from here. But at least now I'm quite contented.
See, still really great.
But watch it come crashing down on New Years, just to spite me.
I love this part of this cycle. This elusive giddy sensation does not get old.
This has been the best holiday in years. Maybe being broke has adjusted my approach to the whole thing. Certainly it has made Jordan unusually sensitive in the most surprising ways.
Perhaps it is rain, even though it wasn't as wild as I expected or wanted, it certainly affected my cheeriness in a good way.
Maybe its that there has been activities, rather then just the endless stretch of work and weekends. The joy of living on Earth's elliptical orbit, allowing for seasons, allowing for puny human interpretation of those seasons, assigning silly important peoples birthdays that will continue to be celebrated over and over and over forever, and ever, therefore allowing for something to be looked forward to Earth heads far enough away for winter and tips at the right angle. I love cycles. Maybe its the predictability that is so secure.
I even saw things, that may have been painful, due to memories from my past. But I soon found out, that time and distance do their job oh so well. I'm so much happier for that, so much more relieved. But also completely apathetic, no dispassionate, hmmm whatever word you would choose for 'not caring', to all parties and issues involved.
Anyway, the holidays aren't over. There are still things to look forward to coming up! Yippee.
PS. Maybe the only thing I'm disappointed is that Santa didn't bring me a kitteh for x-mas.
I've had things to write about...I just haven't been able to write more then one or two sentences about them. I'm not sure why this is. So here they are:
The things I remember, are illusions, maybe they were the reality back then, but now I'm just reminded of all the things that rubbed me the wrong way.
Seeing you cry wasn't as scary or strange as I thought it was going to be. Maybe its because you sort of brought it on yourself. But still its a raw pink mark set into stone. The vulnerable spot does exist.
About the tapes I'm transcribing. It's a UCLA extension class from 2002 on cultural resources. They had a panel of southern California Native American's tell their stories etc. However although I'm torn up about what to do with Native American sites, and most of the time I lean toward complete protection, its a tough call. But the point is, that these three guys, who have all the rights in the world to believe what they believe, and so much experience, and so much knowledge I will never know about the abuses of Indian rights, didn't really get across much during this panel. In other words its one of those discussions where all parties arguments were presented in such a flawed manner, that it probably produced really bad stereotypes about each party, and misunderstanding and interpretation. They let their deserving anger and frustration get the best of them...discredits their important points in my opinion.
But in the end, the Indian's have been shit on so much by almost every other group of humans, that I'm willing to let them have whatever they want. However now the problem is that the new generations could care less about their ancestry and are making it harder everyday to protect sacred sites from untrained anthropologists and other such nincompoops that have gone down in quality. It's really a bad situation, and no one seems to care I think mostly because no one knows. I mean do you remember learning anything about present day Indian's and their issues in any part of your public education, atrocious.
-okay that was more then two sentences, and way to unorganized, and I could go on and on, but I think it would turn into a paper, and I ain't writing no papers.
I’ve had so much to write about. Really since I got back from Scotland. Now I’m sure I’ve forgotten some important things. But that’s the way these things go.
First about Humboldt.
It’s amazing how much I miss it. I mean I miss college, just as much as the next graduate, but Humboldt as a place is like a mystical homeland. It seems to work its way back into my life at the most unlikely times. Like when I found out that Food Network Chef Guy Fieri is from Ferndale, or even better how strange and wonderful it was to see Humboldt County featured in Stephen Fry’s travel show, Stephen Fry in America, while I was in Scotland. It’s never going to leave me, and I long to visit so much. I know this all sounds like boloney, but I really do believe there’s something very special about Humboldt. It really is like no-where else on Earth. Its so beyond unique, remote and its probably going to stay that way, isolated and protected by its big Redwood curtain. But it doesn’t suffocate the little world up there at all. The people who really care, the ones who really want to be there, make that effort to be there or to visit. They create what it is.
Speaking of Scotland, I had some reflections about it.
One is that even though when I go nothing seems familiar, I am not startled by its differences. I could imagine Jordan being there, and going through culture shock, especially because he has never been to Europe before. Maybe I mean I’m taking it for granted. But I really don’t feel that way either. It’s just another place I’ve visited in my past so many times, that distant memories prepare me for anything. Not that its truly different I suppose. People are people wherever you go. But it’s always the little details, the little things in the vernacular that are most interesting to me. Nothing about the Queen, or the sheep, or the similar fall colors were really that interesting. It was the cobble stone streets that I had forgotten and never sees in California. It was the way the food tasted different, the accents and sayings, the road signs, the names of towns, the things you wouldn’t normally consider something a tourist would visit or think about when they go to a foreign country, but all the stuff the foreigners themselves see, eat, smell, drink everyday that was most interesting. (Wait did I already write this in my trip posting?)
Two. I wasn’t panicky stricken at the separation from Jordan. In fact, although I had peculiar dreams, I didn’t feel anxious or particularly helpless as I had in the past. Maybe I’ve gotten over it. Maybe, I’m normal now! This past week we spent entirely apart, and it was wonderful in its own way, just because I wasn’t anxious or panicked. Of course I missed him, was freezing at night in bed without him, thought about all the good things, and bad things that would normally go on if we were together. But I was not feeling needy or clingy at all. I’m so happy about it, you can’t even imagine.
Something I should really remind myself everyday:
People can surprise you, and it’s always when you stop expecting anything of them. How many times have I said this before! Let go, and let things take their own course. Last night for example…giggle.
I had the most amazingly vivid dream last night. It was exhilarating to say the least. Even though there were some things that seemed to be terrifying, depressing, and strange, I often don't feel that way upon reflection. It probably won’t make sense to you, but it will help me to keep from forgetting it.
Post apocalyptic for sure. I’m pretty sure there was evil government involved. We were being chased by people, a group of people.
I had companions: A girl who looked like this woman named Cathy Dicker I went to school with. Maybe I stuck with her, cause I know she’s got that adventurous survival instinct. A guy who looked like Paul Walker. And two other people that I can’t really remember much about.
Anyways I remember throwing tiles out of a window at attackers who were fighting with my friends below. The fight ended some how and I was cheering. I felt a strange sting on my shoulder, but I thought that it was just an itch, I was so happy we were winning I didn’t think to look. When I did I saw a small puncture wound, and I knew I had been stabbed by a needle. This large scary woman was standing over me, panting and sweating, as if it wasn’t in her daily routine to go around stabbing people with syringes.
In fact during the whole dream I felt like the normal order of things had definitely been thrown out of whack due to a monumental something or another. People were desperate, turning into animals; you know all the usual post apocalyptic hysteria that ensues when the world starts to crumble.
Anyway, back to being stabbed. So for some reason I knew I was going to start losing muscle function really quickly. Which is a common theme in my dreams, either massive blood loss or paralysis. The large lady tried to grab for me, as I hoisted myself on the banister of the staircase. Some how I trotted down the stairs, which I reflected in my dreaming state, would look like a rag doll flopping around. So that’s what I did, I flopped down the stairs. I got outside and fell limp on the floor, which was a courtyard apparently.
Now there were people marching in, and my companions were trying to sneak away. They were going to leave me. It occurred to me that they may have thought I was already dead. In which case I would not blame them for leaving, but I felt sure that wasn’t the case. I cried out, “Please help me!” I saw their faces, they began talking amongst themselves, and I hoped they were planning my rescue. Anyways, some how they grabbed me, without anyone noticing, and we started running. Rather I was leaning all my weight on the Walker dude, and being dragged along.
I think we must have been in some European city, but I got the sense it was very tropical outside. We were running along some cobble stone lane. However, these cobbles were a wonderful warm sandy color, which I thought was odd during an apocalyptic dream, to be in a such warm and relaxing environment, even cheery.
Anyway we came to this huge lot of brand new cars. “Look it’s our old ‘something-or-another’”. Now I’m saying ‘something-or-another’ because I forgot the name of the car, but it was a damn cool name! Anyways it was just a simple looking SUV, but I had the feeling that it had been through many adventures. It had served us well in the past.
We piled into it, me in the back seat with the Walker guy. There was camping gear and supplies stashed inside. I knew that this was a planned escape. We sped away, Walker guy propping me up against him. Suddenly we were out along the side of a great tropical cliff, down below the most beautiful ocean I had ever seen was crashing against the white sand shore.
We drove straight to it! I kissed the Walker guy out of pure glee, and wondered if we had something between us in dreamland, cause I don’t go kissing random guys. We drove right down to the water. I had regained my body control back, and for some reason was wearing a Speed Racer helmet. We all piled out of the car and began diving in and around the waves, in some ridiculous state of bliss.
I remember Walker getting stuck in Seaweed. He was going to drown. I was ripping with all my might at it, thinking “of course this would happen, can’t have the happy ending with the hot guy”. Anyway I did get him lose.
After that the dream kind of took a turn for the “wtf” side of things. It just stopped making sense. We made camp in the cliff and knew we were going to have to subsist. We grabbed flashlights and set out for the unknown. Which included going to a mall…hence the reason the dream stopped being really interesting, and I won’t tell the rest.
Scottish, English Borders Trip 2008
LA to Chicago –
I forgot about screaming children. Why do I always forget? Three kids, their parents not even attempting to control them. Three sets of lungs that small could not possibly create the piercing noises that shrieked through the cabin now all to often.
On our decent into Chicago, I saw now and again a jet of air streaming over the wing, like a funnel of fog. We hit some “moderate” turbulence as we passed over rain shower clouds. One realizes how fast one is going as the plane zips through the clouds, dipping and tipping as you go until suddenly you’re surrounded by gray clouds.
Chicago-
Rainy…cold…and thank god for getting off the plane, breaking up the flight certainly helped me.
Chicago to London-
Holy crap, I can play Tetris on the touch screen Wait wait, there’s a touch screen? Oh wow, I’m watching Dark Knight. I was 15 the last time I flew, Natalia and I played nertz on the floor of the airplane. This is a whole different experience.
I got chicken and Pasta. Ew airplane food. Oh wow this oatmeal brownie thing ain’t half bad. So they turn the lights off of course, and I’m left to try to sleep, its 12:30 am local time, which by the way is the Atlantic. We’re at 36000 feet, its -68F outside, and going 600 and something miles per hour (according to the Flight Path option on my touch screen). I can’t sleep of course its only 6:35 pm in LA for one the thing, the other is that it feels like someone is pushing their thumb between my eyebrows and I can’t get enough suction going in my nostrils to breathe in. For a while I pulled my Sherpa hat down over my eyes. I tired to lean on the bendable headrest attached to my seat. I thought about how if Jordan were here I’d snuggle up to him, lean all my weight and most likely I’d be able to sleep. But he’s not here.
Then I entered that weird limbo where one isn’t awake or asleep. I thought about how good this separation would be ultimately, even though I wished Jordan could come on this trip with me. A good break often leads people to realize how much they miss each other. Suddenly I wondered if I were in a comatose state, lying in some hospital bed what that would be like. I thought about past half jokes. Then I either dreamed or thought about what it would be like if Jordan were in a coma, what I would say. “Get up, I know you are in there!” I thought about how I would try to snuggle up next to him, fall asleep, only to wake up to no one, just a body breathing in and out. I almost started crying when I pulled myself out of the limbo. It was the strangest thing ever.
Hawick-
I’m at Langhurst a 1913 house on a hill, owned by my uncle Robin and Margret. It seems smaller, then even the last time I stayed here, when I was 15. It’s pretty cold. But I’m not uncomfortable by any means. We landed in bright sunshine, but the strange thing were the shadows that fell long across the ground, as if it were 5 in the afternoon, but it was only 11:30 am, welcome to high latitudes. We rented a wee four-door hatchback and I had to tell my dad to stay in one lane, and mind his yielding on the round about more then once. But otherwise we survived the 1-½ hours to get here. Other then that I examined the scenery.
It’s like Humboldt, the colors anyway. Very green grass scattered with sheep mostly, rather than the dairy cows of the north coast. Hedges of wild growth in all the autumn shades fading into winter dreary brown. There are groves of trees neatly trimmed into square quadrants, the remainders of little woods. But these trees compare not at all with giant redwood stands. I took in every road sign, wanting to take pictures of all of them because they made me giggle so much. Everywhere here has a name. However as I as telling my dad, most places in California have names, we just don’t know them. When we arrived at Langhurst house in Hawick, I was flooded with memories I looked around eagerly for Becky, their dog, but of course she died a couple years back. Uncle Robin left a post-it haphazardly written on the kitchen door, “Be back at 130 Ian, gone to something-something-something”. Both dad and I climbed back into our car and turned the heater on, staring out across the little valley where Hawick lies. All the apartments, and old houses, gray stony structures with white frames, piled practically on top of each other up the far side of the hills. I fell asleep for 20 minutes, probably the only real sleep I’d had since we left. When Robin arrived home, I asked if I could shower, he said Id have to wait till the heater warmed up some water. Oh yes, I forgot. I took a shower, and felt gloriously better instantly.
After having taken a good solid two-hour nap, Margret arrived. I had forgotten how much she was like my dad, them being siblings and all of course. I remembered how much I liked Margret, how her accent was rich and deep, and her voice high and watery.
Langholm-
I hardly slept all night, somewhere around 6 I fell asleep all the way till 11 when my dad woke me up, shouting we were late to grannies. With honey smothered toast we ran out the door. Langhom, a town of about 2000 people sits a 20 miles south of Hawick. My granny lives in an upstairs two-bedroom apartment, she’s lived there as long as I can remember. It smells the same, fusty sort of, but has a toasty sort of feeling. Maybe that’s because she keeps the “fireplace” up full blast. I say “fireplace” because it rather looks like the front grill of a car, with gas flames In fact many people have these.
My Granny has a terrible short-term memory. It’s only deteriorating faster and faster as well. She showed me a picture on the newspaper three or four times, forgot what we had for lunch, and asked what day it was all afternoon. She’s always been a very critical person, and her memory has no problems remembering old grudges and bad feelings towards people even after years. She can easily become confused, and disorientated, and hates to be taken care of or controlled. But if you keep her in the right mindset, and a positive giggly mood she’s quite hilarious. I was fixated with the Scottish accent and language. Sometimes I wish I could leave a tape recorder out so that I could catch al the interesting sayings and words.
Dad and I went on a walk called Gaskells, which goes up along the ridge, and it loops along the river and cemetery. It was misting rain down, reminding me of walking home after class.
After this-
After this, I stopped a daily journal. Mostly it was because my lap top battery died, and when we relocated to Carlisle, where my Aunt and Uncle live, my wall plug in adapter no longer worked. Why not write with pen and paper? Well I tried, but I’m so used to things pouring out of me quickly that I continuously got stuck on single thoughts. The other reason is that, well I got something in my eye. My last day in Hawick, I was washing my face, and of course got soap in my right eye. Furiously I flushed out the burning soap, but at the same time scratched or placed a minuscule particle in my eye that for the next three days bothered me. I couldn’t sleep not only because of jet lag, but because of this eye issue.
However it did allow me to take advantage of the UK NHS system. We called up this place called Cue Doc, in Carlisle and I told them my condition, swearing there was still something caught in there, and no amount of Boots Pharmacy eye drops and baths was going to get it out. I told them my name, and that my address was the one in Carlisle but that I was from America. No questions asked, the same day I had an appointment made at 12:15. We went, and my name was called within a few minutes. This brutish nurse had me lay down and then she swiped (in my opinion) jabbed my eye with a quetip. “Well I can’t see anything, but I’m giving you this prescription, you’ve probably scratched it”, she said in a thick English borders accent. It was a tube of antibiotic gel, great…cure an eye scratch (which I still claim wasn’t a scratch but a minuscule particle) with antibiotics. But all in all I was impressed with the non-emergency doctors office, and my Aunt assured me if I went straight to a regular NHS hospital I would have had to wait.
Anyways the rest of my time in Carlisle was pleasurable, it hardly rained, and was even sunny on some days. Anytime I was outside the crispy air oxygenated my eye and I felt loads better. Carlisle has a population of about 70,000 and sits just south of the England/Scotland border. Its pretty old, it began as a Roman town, called Lunguvallium, which was established to serve the forts along Hadrian’s Wall. There’s a castle, the remains of a city wall, which used to encompass the entire city, and pubs dating back to the 1500’s.
Carlisle United Football-
One of our outings was to the local football team match. Carlisle being in the second conference (so not with Manchester United but below that) had been on a severe losing streak. This of course wreaked havoc on the minds of the local fans, which lets just say mostly everyone. It’s like whether you want to care or not, you’re either suckered into caring or you’re miserable cause the people who do care talk about it all the time, so you end up dying for the team to get itself together and do well again. Anyways Carlisle had not scored a single point, let alone won a game since September. Apparently they “played too much in air, but weren’t good at executing it”, and for the first twenty minutes, it did appear that they were kicking the ball up, but no one was there to do anything about it. In my opinion they just looked like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Not that I know anything about football, but these guys were not pulling off anything that I would consider a play.
Anyways, I sat in the stands, growing anxious and nervous despite my indifference to the sport and who won or not. Surrounding my locals grumbling, “what ya doin? Ref! What a load of bollix! What ye doin”, and many other dismaying statements, that revealed how betrayed, embarrassed, disappointed, and frustrated they were with the goings on of the season. But when they scored that first goal, my god everyone, even the elderly 90-year-old men jumped up screaming as if they had just won the lottery. They ended up winning against Brighton 3-1. It was a very good game. After that first goal, the chickens, found their heads, started passing to actual players and no open spaces and executed real football plays. It was great. I myself got so into it; I was sweating despite the freezing wind. Afterwards everyone kept asking if we were coming back next week, so as to assure that the team would win again, that it must be us acting as good luck charms that secured a victory. Sadly we wouldn’t be, and now I’m back home and have been removed from the entire world of football, no longer care if they are winning or losing or what.
The Last Couple of Days-
After a Carlisle we looped back to Edinburgh to see my sister and catch our flight home. The drive was lovely actually. There was some rain, and wind but the colors and scenery seemed to be accentuated by it some how. When we had driven down to Carlisle we drove closer to the East, and the landscape was much more compacted, meaning the hills and valleys were clustered together more. But the way we drove back via a more westerly route, the landscape features were more spread apart. In no way were they vast, for I only think of American landscapes as vast, but everything seemed more open, maybe even flatter.
Edinburgh itself is ancient feeling. My sister lives in Leith, the docks area. If you’re familiar with the movie Trainspotting, that’s the place in Edinburgh they mean. However in recent years, its undergoing massive gentrification. And probably if the current economic crisis hadn’t hit, it would be well on its way to what happened to Venice. My sister owns a wee shop in the part of Leith that’s showing signs of gentrification-new apartment buildings, young hip kids going to work, and artsy fartsy galleries and shops trying not to look cool, but too cool for school just the same. She sells healthy Panini’s, coffee, juices and fine wines and beers, catering to the young hip generation that’s money is starting to push out the old drug culture that Leith is so famous for. I’m very proud of her, for all the hard work she has put into it. However in the long run, I think she feels deep down; she doesn’t want to be a shop owner for her whole life. Plus mixing her anxiety-riddled mind with the stresses of small business has caused her nights of insomnia and panic attacks. Luckily she moved out of one of the not so nice neighborhoods in Leith, to another lovely flat which she’s house sitting for a few months. And thank god, because at her old flat people were being stabbed in the halls, or shooting heroin. Not to mention the 17 polish people who lived in the two-bedroom next door, and because they weren’t allowed to smoke inside smoked in the hallway. She miraculously sold this apartment to a Spanish couple, and moved out.
Anyway, I spent the one afternoon I had in Edinburgh just hanging out in my sister’s shop. Although I wish I had had more time to site see. Not only is the city gorgeous, but also everyone in Edinburgh is beautiful. I don’t recall looking at anyone and not being curious about how they became so freaking attractive. But I had been to Edinburgh before, and after my weeks worth of wandering around all the time or sitting in my families living rooms, all I wanted to do was sit down. Not to mention I had some gnarly blisters from my docmartin’s which I never re-broke in.
The Return-
The return journey was horrendous. We got lost multiple times dropping off the rental car, for British road signs suck ass. Then on the 8 hour flight to Chicago from London, two little devils dressed in child clothes screamed and jumped up and down the entire trip. They’re parents slept, they fucking slept through most of the whole thing, and when they were not sleeping, it was loves and kisses and no attempts to tell them to shut their traps. It was beyond unacceptable. When we landed in Chicago, they could not get the cargo door open because it had “frozen shut”, so we had to catch our next flight not knowing if our bags would make it. Luckily they did.
Now I’m at home, having written the second part of this travel journal from my desk almost a week after I landed. I had forgotten how utterly devastating jet lag can be. For the first few days, all I wanted to do was sleep. I’ve not had any appetite, or will to do much of anything until yesterday (when I went to the LA Auto Show). Jordan, missed me, I could tell. The first couple days were quite blissful. But alas this is not a journal about my LA life, for I have a lot more to write about that on another date.
Interesting links related to gay marriage...
http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/sexandgender/328/%22traditional%22_marriage_or_a_break_with_tradition?page=entire
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibi.htm
My dear friend who studied gender at Dartmouth, read my conversation and provided me with these links. Very interesting stuff.
I have more opinions about the conversation, which I'll probably touch on at a later date.
This is a compiled conversation sparked by Prop 8.
DG (I'm calling him) I went to high school with. I don't remember him at all, but he friended me on facebook, and thus started this converstation.
Starts last night!
I joined the group "Repeal Proposition 8".
DG commented on my joining the group:
Ain't gonna happen...just like the people spoke when they voted Obama, they have spoken on prop 8
Me:
they said women weren't gonna get the vote for nearly a hundred years...and you know what I don't even believe in marriage, but I ain't for denying rights to anyone. Personally I would just separate the whole thing from any government relation. But that is even more unlikely to happen…
Later that morning…
DG's status changed to:
“DG is amazed at how liberal californians are, I hope you like hot places guys.”
I commented on his status:
The implication that I am going to hell because of my beliefs is really offensive on principal, meaning that you wish the worst possible fate for me because we differ in opinions is really quite offensive indeed, but I don't believe in hell so whatever. And where did you grow up? California has always been very liberal...
DG:
You don't have to believe in something for it to exist, I actually respect everyone's views, but I cant truthfully say I agree with them. I was born in LA, however it seems like the more time that goes by, the less people care about morality and principles. Oh well, I'm secure in my beliefs, but it will always amaze me how some people can live comfortable without believing in anything other than "equal rights" and "change"...more like the deterioration of the human race if you ask me.
Me:
I respect that you believe those things. If we didn't have diverse opinions there would be no need for democracy. But I would never wish the worst fate I believe in, on people who believe the opposite of me, is my point. But again we're all different, I'm just offended, and I'm allowed to be. My set of morals differ from your set, but no one should... Read More be punished or hated for their beliefs. Over time things change, and the new "norm" is accepted. Without change, we would not have all the good things we have today, bad and good change come together. Its all a matter of perspective.
DG:
I think we agree to disagree, which like you said is the foundation of this country. I don't wish anything on anyone, on the contrary, I'd rather everyone understand why it's important to believe in something and to be aware of the implications your beliefs might have on your eternal life.
Sorry if I offended you by the way, but in actuality if ... what I said offended you, then my beliefs in general offend you. Things do change over time, some for the good and some for the bad, no one can know whether having Obama as president or a constitutional ban on marriage is good or bad, we all just base our positions on our beliefs, or lack thereof. Am I correct?
Me:
I have beliefs. I have many of them. And yes they do influence my vote. And of course I don't agree with your beliefs, and perhaps in this instance they offend me. But I also understand that there a lot more to people then just their beliefs, in fact there maybe some that we we do agree on.
I apologize for saying that you "wished" this on anyone. ...I guess its not even the issue in question, its that when you're disappointed in other peoples choices or beliefs you assume we're going to burn up for it, especially when like i just said these people you don't even know are comprised of so many beliefs. It just seemed a rather intense thing to state.
I think as far as what is going to happen in the future, its really hard to say. But I believe we should see commonalities rather then differences. We should not demonize other people, or dehumanize other people. We should work together to a mutually content outcome. (LOL facebook I can't write anymore, no room after this sentence is over)
DG:
I agree with you, thanks for having an intelligent discussion with me and not just arguing to argue. =D
DG.
Interesting question for you. If someone wanted the right to marry and have intercourse with their dog...or their cousin or sister...would you be amenable to them being allowed to do so? Serious question by the way.
Me:
You can't even make that association, that kind of example is going cross-species, and not cross-gender. A big benefit of gay marriage is the taxes, which would benefit Gay person A and gay person B, therefore being mutually beneficial to both parties involved. You cannot get this same situation with cross-species since, well....dogs don't pay taxes. This first argument is based purely on logic. And I am going to answer the rest via a message, lol so I don't run out of room hehe.
DG:
You can't really make the argument that the support of gay marriage is the tax breaks or benefits, because the California Family Code provides for such benefits already through domestic partnerships. That option has always been available to gay couples, the solemnization of marriage however has never been an available option. In truth, you cant take away someones fundamental rights when they never had that right to begin with, throughout the ages marriage has been defined as being between a man and a woman. I await your message to the second part of my question, haha. =)
Me:
Okay...what about de-institutionalized marriage? Meaning taking it back to the way it was, in this case a judeo-christian stand point (I'm assuming you are christian cause of your facebook, And so I'm assuming that you are basing marriage on what the bible says, "that is it should be between a man and a woman"). There were no taxes, or rights related when that was done . What about if they took it away, or if they were like you can only marry if you are buddhist or jewish. And denied you these rights because some other religion stopping you. "you can't get married if youre not jewish". What an uproar that would cause. Gay people can be anyone...i have a couple gay friends who are deeply religious, are they invalid in their beliefs? That is why separate church and state is very important. Instead of being gay, its being a certain religion. I'm also quite annoyed whenever, (including Barack Obama) states God Bless America. Well a lot of people in America mgiht not believe in that same god. Separate Church and state, not groups of human beings from equal rights.
What if a man got a sex change, then legally he's a woman and legally she can marry a woman now. If you believe that sex changes are immoral then Prop 8 is already being broken. So why not do away with marriage connected to government, and completely avoid the issue to begin with?
The other issue is if in your religion being gay, or supporting gays, damns you to hell, and in another religion its the opposite, or in the other religion is states "any other religion who does not recognize gays" means they are going to hell, then we're all going to hell, you would go to that religions hell. But if you're religion protects you from other religions beliefs and punishments, then how do gays getting married affect you in your religion? it doesnt, they have nothing to do with you. So if everyone is affected by other religions then we're all going to some one elses hell.
In many other religions and countries and cultures, it is not taboo for siblings and 1st cousins to marry. Mostly this is based on preserving power and blood lines. I personally do not support it on the basis that it adds to genetic degradation. But if you don;t believe in evolution then thats hardly the issue? What is the issue? I also do not know enough about that topic to make an informed decision. It's very rare. SO I don't have that much to say about it, maybe if there's a prop that would violate equal rights I would be more concerned about it, but if there is such a low occurance of this then its unlikely to ever be an issue, and invalid in the gay marriage one, when there are millions of gays.
The underlying issue here, maybe homophobia. How many people who voted yes on 8 are homophobic? the commercials blatantly stated that parents should be worried that they're children are going to be taught about gays in classrooms. Which may have made most parents worried that their children would turn out being gay. But wait is it that bad? is that the fundamental issue here? If someone child turned out to be gay, what would they do, deny them rights? Gays are already here and they arent going anywhere, why would learning about them in school instead of from TV or peers be that horrible? This prop is not just a step towards inequality its a step towards challenging basic human rights. Once we start separating groups of peopel like this, its a means to separating other rights between other groups of people too.
More stuff I had to add and response to doggy issue:
Im pretty sure the states exisiting marriage law doesnt say anything about relgion. so why do people care so much suddenly when its a gay issue, its only because of instilled hate, and lack of tollerance through out the ages also. marriage is just a word, no one can own a word.
Marriage is already a messed up thing. if you think gays are messing up religion, the govenments involvment has already messed it up. People are marrying all the time or getting civil unions all the time for no other reason then the benefits. My mom came to this country only because she married some guy for a green card. they didn't have sex, they have never spoken after the divorce. Like how many people are going to marry their cat for just the rights, but have absolutely no sexual attraction to it in the first place. Hell i would marry my dog if i could get tax cuts and crap. They would never pass a prop or a law or anything that stated marriage or civil unions between humans and non-humans. It would be even more abused then "marriage between man and woman". I wouldn't support that based on the fact that people might go out and buy a dog (not get it nuetered) have puppies and put further strain on the homeless dog population lol.
I have to eat... so I'll respond when i can to whatever messages you send.
PS sorry for grammar and spelling issues, im too lazy to fix them haha.
DG:
Wow...where to start. First of really I want you to know that I'm not one of those people that says everyone is damned to hell and I inherently hate everyone because they're not me or don't think like me. I'm a grounded person, I've been a paralegal for the last 4 years and in my field of work you have to be subjective and approach everything from the same angle, unbiased and neutrally. At the end of the day though, when I go home my beliefs are still the same.
I am christian, when I was in high school I didn't attend church, never read the bible. I found my calling to Jesus Christ when me and my wife ( I know I'm young, haha) of 2 years got divorced. This isn't to say that I am new to the beliefs that I have, I always have had the positions that I hold today, I just wasn't a practicing christian and hadn't properly accepted Christ. I agree with you in a lot of the things you say, in terms of me and you having different views, and even groups of people around California or ultimately the nation having different views. This makes life interesting, the pursuit of what you believe in, being grounded in your faith, your principles and overall what you believe to be important in this life.
When I view gay marriage I see it in two different aspects, which is only fair. I look at it in relation to my beliefs, and it is just plain wrong. I look at it from a legal standpoint, and again it's just plain wrong. Let me explain both sections of analysis. The christian bible says that being homosexual, incest and beastiality among other things are sins. I can't vouch for everyone and expect them to believe what I believe, which is a reasonable conclusion because there are just too many damn people right? Going back to the bible though, our country was founded upon the christian belief, that's why our legal tender says in god we trust and why we swear on god when we take an oath not to perjure ourselves in court. The bible has been around ages longer than me and you, and many societies (including anglo saxon society) based it's laws and morality upon the bible, establishing such things as "sodomy" being illegal, in essence making homosexuality illegal. Homosexuals have never had the right to marry, on the contrary it has become less and less stigmatized in our present society; however the argument that not allowing homosexuals to marry is a change in the base foundation of what societies are founded upon: morals. That's how I see it based on my religion.
From a legal standpoint, homosexual couples have always enjoyed the same benefits as heterosexual couples as the California Family Code provides for domestic partnerships, granting the benefits of a opposite sex couple. Again, in allowing homosexual marriage you change the foundation of our laws, the definition of a properly solemnized matrimony. Mind you that only two states in our country recognize gay marriage, and the majority of states have a similar constitutional ban on gay marriage. When you look at the prospect of allowing gay marriage, it begins to open up the possibility of legalized incest, beastiality and all other sorts of repugnant practices. You would be surprised how many people out there practice incest and beastiality, and once you blur the definition of marriage anything is possible.
If you actually read all of this, I congratulate you and thank you for having a conversation with me on the topic, I'm glad you initially got offended by my status, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten out some fine points for both sides of the argument. =)
By the way, I'm not sure how interested you are in the law...but here's a link to the Petition for Writ of Mandamus that was filed in the supreme court in an attempt to stay prop 8 and rule it void.
http://news.lp.findlaw.com/hdocs/docs/election2008/20081105-prop8-petition.pdf
Me:
Nice job generalizing your arguments. I like how you dodged all my direct questions lol. You kind of just restated all of your arguments more eloquently, and added a few new ones (which I will address here shortly hehe).
This is where my argument about change comes in. We cannot base our present societies needs and demands on what the context was in 1787 when the constitution was adopted. They wrote it with the intent of it being allowed to change. They based the country on equal rights for all. The world is a much bigger place now, now we have to accommidate for all the new and wonderful things that we have in our world. If we all sat around and accepted the way things were back in the day, then there would be slaves, or separate water fountains still, child labor, etc...everything that has been changed, has come with the knowledge that some one was being treated unfairly and thus it needed to be judged, and changed. We cannot sit around static in our beliefs. Beliefs change.
As for the religion argument. I have a lot to say about religion and the validity of taking the bible too literally. Mostly to do with this whole 'context of the times' idea, but also a lot to do with the logic or argument. There is no way either of us can win or even move forward on any topic if we differ in our beliefs when it comes to religion. Niether of us are right or wrong. Hence the reason again it should be separated. WHen i was in jury duty for that DUI case, I was incredibly uncomfortable with all "god" references. I never say the pledge of allegiance, and I'm uncomfortable with the constitution stating relgion anywhere except that everyone has the freedom to practice whatever they want. That is where my very liberal beliefs come in. But I also liek to consider myself a practical liberal. Its not practical to waste time and money removing "god" from all the docutments and laws and rights...we've got other pressing issues. I'm still allowed to think about it though lol.
Beliefs change: for a long time I was completely anti-military, but (and even though I went to an extremely liberal pacifist university) my beliefs changed in those four years. But I knew that I had picked up an even stronger belief along the way. Which is openmindedness and tollerance. I can't walk in anoyne else shoes or tell them how to live, all I can do is work to live with them. Never shutting anyone down with their opinions. That is why I can have this conversation with you, and not just get screaming mad.
DG:
Sorry for not answering your questions, let's touch on the two that I saw in your post.
1. What if the state said you cannot get married based on religion? Well, the state isn't doing that, instead of a man and a women who are christian, we are talking about the same gender. The state cannot rightfully deny you the right to practice your religion, but it can provide laws that enforce public policy and overall social morality...such as prohibitory laws such as drug usage, possession and even prostitution, those acts aren't wrong within themselves, but the state can make laws against something to enforce the public policy and overall morals.
2. Why should the state have any say in marriage? Just like anything else that allows for benefits provided to us by the state, or the nation, the states should be allowed to regulate and control it. Every state contains an inherent police power to provide for the welfare of it's residents, this is inclusive to the solemnization, regulation and defenition of marriage.
I can't imagine being opposed to war, considering me and you enjoy our lives and freedom now only because of World War II veterans. If everything was fine and dandy, there wouldn't be war; realistically though, there are bad people out there with bad intentions...a peremptory strike always a beats a retaliatory strike...that is if you CAN retaliate, in the situation of a WMD or nuke, good luck to ya right? I'm glad you got past that phase of anti-war sentiment though, good for you.
Again, i'm glad me and you can converse intelligently on important issues, that actually makes me happy.
Me:
LoI just watched the latest south park episode about the election, pretty funny spoof on both sides.
I'm pro-using force only when its the last possible action, and with a clear and present plan to get in and out safely. Of course the government tends to always use force first. Bush failed at both those things. But whatever. now we have to focus on bringing the troops home and securing Iraq so that it doesn't tear itself apart when we do leave.
But anyways I think the argument is over lol. Meaning we've both stated all we could possibly state from either stand point. And there is no middle ground either of us has been able to agree upon lol.
We shall see what happens in the state and the world etc! and maybe at a later date open up the discussion again.
Thanks to you too for intelligent conversation. NOw wouldn't it be amazing if everyone could sit around like this and talk?
Till the next time!
Yay for Prop 2 passing, although I already bought free-range eggs anyway. Lets get more educated about where our food comes from people! Buy local and organic!
Boo on Prop 4 and Prop 8. I can't wait to see all the statistics about teen pregnancy go up. And why oh why, other then blatant hate did people vote on prop 8? I mean really, ultimately, that's what it comes down to. What will there be homo and hetero fountains now? In my opinion marriage shouldn't even be institutionalized, it should have no relation to government what so ever. I don't even believe in marriage, but jeezes this is discrimination! I mean it took women so long to get the vote, that I know this might be a long tedious process, for people to accept that gays are humans too.
Yay for Obama. I was not caught up in the pure glee that most of my peers and family were, upon hearing the election results, because the reality is, this country is so fucked up its hard to believe it will be fixed, by anyone. But I hope Obama's inspiration and promise to unite everyone holds true, and that he'll be able to start us on the path to a brighter future.
Boo for the city trimming the trees in my mom's front yard so they look like they've been raped of their skirts. But I guess it's better then leaky water mains, California cannot afford to waste the water.
Okay so long time no post.
1) Election:
I am not going to write about the election, in fact I'm hiding in my room, not wanting to hear a thing about it till its over. I voted at 8am and was pleased to have waited in line for 40 minutes, means voter turn out is really high, and even though Obama is a sure thing in California, the turn out might stop some of these lame ass propositions like 8 and 4 from passing. Anyway, didn't I just say I wasn't going to write about the election.
2) Books:
I gave up on the Thomas Kohnstamm book Do Travel Writers Go To Hell. Frankly it sucks. The chapters before he leaves New York for Brazil is better then when he is actually there. Seems to me the book is an excuse to write about sex and partying, from a very heavily chauvinistic perspective. The only thing I really took away from the book is that travel writing is damn hard, especially if you can't keep your dick in your pants, or say no once in a while to anything.
Yesterday I read book number two in the Sookie Stackhouse southern vampire series, Living Dead in Dallas, by Charlaine Harris. The Alan Ball HBO original series "True Blood", is based off this book series. Either way if you remember my first and second posts about book number one, you know that I was completely obsessed with it, despite its shortcomings. However the second book proved to be much darker, bloodier, serious and no less addictive (I read the whole thing in one afternoon and night). The story didn't feel as 'young adult' as book one, in fact sometimes I wonder if she went a little bit over board with the violence and sex. But I guess if vampires aren't exactly PG rated anyway. Plus I've been a little bit desensitized to the whole thing due to Ball's sex and violence in the show, including last Sundays episode, projectile blood vomiting, is all I have to say. Anyway its rather interesting to see what they've pulled and left out from the books for TV, who's characters they changed etc.
3) Movies:
"Thank You For Smoking", was pretty good. Except I think I was more pissed off at the main character then the regular audience viewer, because Jordan is exactly like the main character. Meaning winning arguments based on logic and not on heart.
"Zack and Miri Make a Porno", very funny and Predictable. I'm glad Kevin Smith hasn't lost his touch completely.
4) In other news:
There really isn't any other news. Been on the WoW wagon these days, which provides me with a lot of crap to do that doesn't exist, except in lines of code. Halloween activities included Monster Massive, which is always an experience, talk about drugs and sex and drugs and naked girls and ...raves are so...ravey. I had a successful Halloween party at my house, decorated and everything, it was quite pleasurable. I'm getting ready for Scotland next week, and working and that's about it. In fact I'm starting to wonder if I've become completely numb to anything in my life. I have no enthusiasm or lack of. I'm just there. Perhaps I will expand on this at a later post.
Sorry to anyone who read my previous post, all that emotional PMS bullcrap about World of Warcraft and my life being a 'failure' but alas I am a girl and I had no other place to scream about it. And I'm quite past feeling that way, at least until the next time my hormones take it upon themselves to consume me.
I like having especially good days, and its great when they are consecutive. Even now when Blizzard totally messed up the game by adding a buggy patch and my world server is going up in flames, I am completing things and enjoying myself, and thats the point.
Other then that I'm looking forward to sending my mom off to New York and having the house to myself for a week. Plus I've brought work home with me, so no commuting to Thousand Oaks. It should be rather relaxing, assuming I don't procrastinate.
Movies:
I finally watched Princess Mononoke. I was very pleased! The art wasn't as spectacular as Howl's Moving Castle but I think that is due to it being a bit older. Even though the story kind of dragged on at certain parts, I was enthralled. It was very Japanese, for lack of a better description. But I was quite fond of the themes and design, especially that of the Forest Spirit. A baboons face, bird feet, and multiple antlers sounds pretty ugly, but it rather looked cuddly, and friendly, and just peaceful.
I also sat down to watch Equilibrium, which I had not seen in a couple of years. It stars Christian Bale, so how can you go wrong? It's a mix between the book '1984', Logan's Run (which I have yet to see), the book 'The Giver' and reminiscent of The Matrix when it comes to fight scenes. It's sort of an underground cult classic, as many of Bale's movies are. Not many people know about it because it came out the same year as The Matrix and was rather overshadowed. I believe in europe it is called Cubism, or some such. Although there are a lot of contradictions and parts of the story dont follow, as in: 'wait how did he get that blood there all of a sudden?', and 'if they aren't supposed to feel then why is that guy smiling?'. I think maybe they were rushing to release it, and didn't want to, or have the time to really refine parts of the story, add and cut dialouge etc. But the good parts of the movie (of which there are many) really out way those issues.
Spoiler Alert! Do not read the next sentence if you plan on watching the movie. I really think the story was strengthened during the dog and puppy scene. When he rescues the puppy from extermination, risking his own life, twice, you not only fall in love with Bale and his character more, but the idea of what he is going through is increased 100 fold. Here is this guy who for most of his life has destroyed anything that could potentially create a human reaction, feeling, or emotion. And when he stops taking his 'intervals' he is discovering feeling for the first time. He looks out the window at a sunrise, and is so shaken by it, he listens to music for the first time and cries. Now this may sound like he is all emoitional and whimpy, but could you imagine listening to music for the first time with a more developed mind?! Anyways during the puppy scenes, and any animal scene in a movie, your gripping your seat hoping he saves it cuteness! Which of course he does. If for instance they decided to use a child, instead of a dog, it would be so predictable and would definitely not have the same effect. Here is this helpless animal, ready to show anyone affection, always forgiving, always ready, and it just carries that message so much better then a child.
So...in anticipation...and probably judgement clouded by excitement and ignorance...I down loaded the pre-expansion World of Warcraft patch. Basically this patch serves as a stepping stone before the expansion, often times Blizzard will release one pre-major game changes.
Anyways...it ended up just hurting me. Now what I mean by that is, I am constantly forgetting how stupid I am. How I am the worst WoW player on earth...there are 15 year olds better then me. It started when I checked out the new Acheivement feature and just grew angry about it not counting "achievements" I had completed many times years ago. Then I examined my talent tree, knowing I had new points to spend, but had no idea what I was doing. I stood around knowing that in no way ever was I going to be good at this game. I would just sit around doing nothing...again. In the end realized what the point of this post is about:
I suck.
Maybe WoW was never my type of game. Maybe I'm overreacting about something incredibly dumb. Think what you will. Its disheartening and embarassing to know that I suck at it. In fact I can't think of one thing I'm actually good at doing. There isn't anything I'm not more then mediocre at. Can you think of one? I can't. Anything I might have come close to being good at, I stopped or disappeared from my life. Even the intangible.
Either way, I feel sick. Its strange. I know its probably PMS...hormones raging, but I literally feel sick and sad and depressed and like I'm going to fucking cry. Like really this is what I'm doing with my life. Fuck. Its not evend that I'm not doing something spectacular, its that all the vernacular is being done shitty because I suck. Maybe what makes it worse is that, there is no more support for this sort of thing, its always me on my own. Me learning. I want someone to take care of me for a change today. I'm sick of being independent. I'm sick of feeling fucking alone, holding on to the stone at the bottom of the sea. I want it to hold me to it.
Yesterday I attended the first day of Blizzcon in Anaheim.
Again why would I place myself in a location where my addiction to World of Warcraft is tempted! Mostly I like to think I was a victim of others addictions to it. But really when I first played its likely I was addicted, but that was so many years ago, and I did quit cold turkey for a few months. The second time I came back, I used it as a means to spend time with Jordan when I couldn't actually spend time with him due to being so far away. I also know for certain that the way I approached playing was totally different, first off not being a 'raider' helped. But I was definitely casual and WoW came second to "RL" (real life). This sounds so "serious business", as WoWers might say, and I'm sure I'm boring any crowd who has no idea about the nuances of the World of Warcraft lifestyle. If you don't want to know anymore I suggest you stop reading haha.
More about Blizzcon:
Comiccon which I attended earlier this summer in San Diego was sooo much better. But I mean Blizzard can only supply their own products, since it is a Blizzard Entertainment convention. Comiccon which is ginormous and the home to such diverse content can only appeal on so many levels. Anyways the major purpose of this convention was to get players revved up for the release of World of Warcrafts third expansion pack Wrath of the Lich King (Due this Nov), Diablo III (very popular game long time coming MMORPG) and Starcraft II (another popular real time strategy game). I could get really detailed about these three games differences, but again in order to not bore the general crowd, if I even have one, I would rather talk about what the people were like who attended this.
First of all World of Warcraft has between 5-9million players world wide, each longging onto their specfic realms to play characters. (So that means I've played with people from Singapore, Australia, France, England, Hawaii etc.) That in itself is a pretty unique opportunity. Not only do I have to hold conversations with people, I have to learn to work with them together to accomplish a goal in the game, a very important lesson these days!
At the convention there were approximately 15,000 of these millions of players, some from faraway, most from Southern California. Examining the composition of the people who play WoW in real life is very interesting. There were fat, tall, skinny, ugly, pretty, hot, sexy, funny, creepy, nerdy, cool, emo, skater, scensters, old, young, gay, any faction of life you could imagine represented. Although most were white. In fact the average WoW player is between the ages of 15-35 male and white. And since coming to Anaheim for a $100 ticket, from across the world isn't really an option most of the "minority" (if you have to call them that) players didn't attended. We got to listen to panels about game designers, and how they even create a mmorpg in the first place, which made me really appreciate the work they put in to making these universes. We walked around vendor booths for WoW products, took pictures, and did normal convention things.
My favorite things from the convention included:
The costume contest, the top prize being a women from Washington D.C. dressed as a Draeni in Tier 6 riding a top a mechanical turtle she had built.
The ability to play beta copies of all three games to be released before the general public, this means I got to play WoWs expansion for 15 minutes.
Watching the worlds highest ranking PvP teams (player vs player) who happen to be European, competeing live against each other. Lets just say they are really fucking good.
After having gone, and played the damn expansion for those 15 minutes, I am considering going back to playing. But I have to examine the risks involved. Its been such a bane of my relationships. Jordans opinion is that I should just level to 80, and then decide, at least that way I will play all the new content without any actual goals of carrying on afterwards. We shall see. Maybe the excitement will wear off over time, I have till November when they officially release it to get over it.
So today I went to the MCAS Miramar Air Show.
Yes you might be thinking, what in the name of all that is hippie, did I go for? Well see it's occurred to me that I'm very open minded to experiencing things I wouldn't normally be found doing. Mostly it is because I believe passing judgement about things one doesn't really know about first hand, is wrong. My boys brother's father in law is a radio personality on am600 in San Diego, so we got free passes to watch from the corporate chalets right on the runway. Free food, beer and shade all day, and an amazing view of the Blue Angels planes parked neatly right in front of us.
As I watched jets and copters soaring overhead, always in the back of my mind I thought about how the cost of making one of these engineering masterpieces could put so many people through university, restore wetlands, and pay for a collection of families health care for their whole lives.
Mostly what bothers me the most about the military, is the mentality. In some ways how they operate is marvelous and in some ways completely inhuman. But also just walking around the base looking inside planes and at bombs and things meant to kill and destroy, just doesn't sit well with me. I knew I was probably one of a small few people there who thought so. Who fell on the liberal side of the spectrum. I did however attend with two of Jordan's older brothers one very liberal, smart, well read and there for the same reason I was, and his other brother an NRA member, wears army boots, and probably would shit his pants if he went to Iraq. Was an interesting experience to see two people completely the opposite of each other getting along, laughing and enjoying the show together without bringing it to the liberal vs conservative depths of hell. I was happy of that, hopeful even.
Also over the loud speakers, it was often said "salute our soldiers who are defending freedom across the world", I'm not sure how invading other countries and forcing our views upon them is "defending", but what the average military person has to sacrifice at the hands of a stupid government is really the thing we should be saluting. But what about the engineers designers? There was scarce mention of them.
And there are things that I do believe could not be solved without military action. Which brings me to my rather libertarian and draconian views that life generally sucks, and we all suffer, and humans are a lot less angelic then we think we are. We murder, chimps do it too, we're just organized animals.
On the other hand, the things that these machines and pilots can do, and put themselves through in regards to G-force and precision and efficiency (even if one of the planes could fuel a car for 300 fill ups) is unbelievable. It was amazing to see a plane rush by and then a second or two later tremendous roaring and burning sounds rush over you. Welcome to going faster then the speed of sound, but these guys weren't even breaking the sound barrier, and it was enough to make me put ear plugs in.
Summary of things I saw, and remember, which I'm proud of myself for remembering:
We saw F 18 Falcons, which are smaller and surprisingly less manoeuvrable then the bigger and more stealthy looking F 22 (which registers like a bumble bee on radar). Both were quite intimidating.
We saw p-51 mustang, which was shiny and small and made a lovely ripple noise, old school.
We saw an AV-8B Harrier take off vertically and spin midair, and land, very hard to do, needs lots of air and fuel.
Golden Knights Parachute team, some of these guys had done over 3500 drops.
Sean Tucker doing psycho flips and spins in the Oracle, a bi-plane.
Since its a marine base we got to watch a Marine Air-Ground Task Force Demo, (saw how they blow people up and invade in other countries, like Iraq and Afghanistan) which included a wall of fire, close enough to make my face burn.
And finally the US Navy Blue Angels do crazy ass formations only 18inches from each other.
In the end, I felt out of my element, but impressed. However in no way did it make me gun-ho army. I would rather see diplomacy before war. I would rather see my tax dollars going to education, so that people are more educated to vote, to design and build ways of getting around actually killing people, unmaned weapons if it has to come to that, and able to create foreign relations with a better more global intent. The army works the way it does because of the way it is run, even if I hate the dehumanization of it all, I'm not sure how else it could exist.
I feel more educated, more knowledgeable about what goes on in the military, I feel sunburned, and supportive of these troops who are needlessly being forced into situations that they are in for all the wrong selfish reasons and with terrible planning. Lets bring them home.
Thank you boyfriend for working on my html...but i fear i will forever mess around with color schemes now...and i hope one day to make the title sidebar a photograph...but thank you boyfriend, freak of freaks when it comes to technical things and codes and engineering and building and problem solving and puzzles and other freakish things that my brain can never function on.
Read more...I've spent sometime flipping through blogger blogs, and looking online for templates to download. I think I'm getting obsessive. Blogger has always suited my simple blogging needs. I don't need anything fancy...just two sidebars darnit! Maybe I'm just way too web illiterate to take this to another level. All the templates I've found are ugly, or/and don't line up right, meaning the "layout easy edit options" blogger already has in place don't work. I would have to learn HTML go into the HTML and change it maunally, adding a sidebar. Great.
Maybe I'm just way too web illiterate to take this to another level. Anyways I'm not giving up...yet. We'll see how it goes.
So I'm experimenting with my template, if you haven't noticed.
I'm very disappointed that you are not able to add text boxes to either side of the main Blog Posts themselves. It all has to be down one side. PHOOEY.
I'm watching Howl's Moving Castle, and I wanted to mention that I read the book a while back, by Diana Wynne Jones. And although the movie makes no sense, the book is like 100 times worse. In order to enjoy fairy tales or science fiction or anything that doesn't exist in our own reality, is that you have to accept the reality that is presented. Everything has to fit together by following its own set of parameters. You have to accept that this is how things work in this universe and for this reasons, and then generally anything that happens after is believable.
Maybe if I give an example, hmm, oh so Tolkiens "middle-earth" would be an example of how one could go to the extreme of creating the faith that allows the story-listener to enjoy the universe. Everything from language, to maps, to songs, he even created his own mythology. In the Vampire books by Charlaine Harris, there are rules that every character needs to follow and exist by. If a vampire is older, then it inherently more powerful then other vampires generally, it is clearly explained, and followed and when there is an exception its accounted for. But her characters and vernacular details sometimes don't follow either, but I'm not sure if that can be blamed on bad writing or planning. And it doesn't even have to be fantasical. Pineapple Express, was completely ridiculous and impossible but I enjoyed it because I accepted that it was extreme and crazy and just enjoyed the insanity. Some movies follow the whole "its soooo bad its good" rule, such as Starship Troopers or Blood Sport, and the in the book genre this would include the Charlaine Harris books, but they also spill over into the next, stories that aren't really quality, like movies such as Just Married or The Replacements for various reasons, either character issues, dialogue, typical etc. But I them like anyway.
But back to Howl's Moving Castle fails to adhere to any set of standards or universal norms and regulations. There mention of parallel universes, and other such things, but its hard to figure anything out. I found I enjoyed the animated movie by Hayao Miyazaki immensely despite fact that I couldn't really let myself go within the story, because nothing followed a pattern I could figure out. Usually that kind of thing pisses me off, I guess I'm anal retentive about that sort of thing. Its probably why I don't like movies such as The Langaliers...no sense.
Anyways that was sort of an amateur written stint about my movie and book reviewing qualifications. Very rushed to say the least, and not well organized. Maybe one day when I'm older and better at explaining myself, I'll convey my ideas more clearly.
I can't sleep and I know why.
My teeth keep clenching together and strangely I can breathe through my nose, or maybe not so strange. I guess on relaxed nights my mouth turns slack jaw and lazy, breathing heavy and deep. My nose only allows for short shallow breathes. I relish the comfort of my pillow, and the warmth of my sheets. But tonight I feel strangled, yet alone, empty even, on more levels then one.
I keep running over what I am supposed to know, what I have been told in my head, trying desperately to make it stick. Grasping for sanity and contentedness, which probably will never be gained.
I almost feel like this lifestyle has past by, before only a year or two ago, I don't know what it means now, or where it will take me now.
I wonder a lot what is going to happen. In the world, in America, in my life...it seems to be just around the corner, something.
Some very relevant quotes from Do Travel Writers Go to Hell? by Thomas Kohnstamm.
"The American dream is for immigrants. The rest of us are better acquainted with entitlement and boredom than we are with our own survival mechanisms. And when confronted with a fight-or-flight scenario, the latter usually takes precedence. Escape through pharmaceutical, escape through technology, and plain old running away in search of something else, anything else. (10)."
In reference to his job at a law firm conducting research on high profile cases, mostly having to do with the telecommunications bubble: "Every boom is followed by a bust and, in America, someone will always find a way to make money off the bust-most likely lawyers. (15)."
In his 'I quit' letter to his boss: "I'm off to embrace spontaneity, imagination, and other stuff that doesn't exist around here. (22)."
realize after having read the Vampire book drunk I may have liked it more then I would otherwise. I mean really its kinda crappy, the writing is very simplistic, the characters too. I read someone who thought it should be in the Young Adult section of the bookstore. Though there is a lot of sex and violence, it kind of fits that description the best. I’m surprised that the Six Feet Under guy was interested in the first place. But whatever I enjoyed the story and the concepts, and maybe that’s why they decided to create it visually, there’s a lot of material and places to go with Harris’s vampire world. And perhaps the TV show has helped to further my obsession. I’m excited to read further and watch further! And ashamed to say I wish vampires like Bill really existed because I would so be up on that, haha I wonder if this is what people who read Trashy romance novels feel like after? Now if only I could find book two Living Dead in Dallas, and I find myself dying for Sunday nights like I never have before.
In the meantime I’m reading Do Travel Writers Go to Hell?, by Thomas Kohnstamm, offering an alternative perspective to the notion that all travel writers lead sexy lives while on assignment. I figure I should try to broaden my travel reading horizons, break down some stereotypes. But it seems he’s extremely misogynistic, in fact offensive sometimes and even in some ways incredibly close to what I think most men are like, but decline to mention. We’ll see how it goes. I can already relate to a few things he’s written, similar notions to Troost, escapism, non-committal lifestyle etc. And gosh darnit I need to pick a book by a woman one of these days.
I’m reading the books that the HBO vampire series True Blood are based on, by Charlaine Harris. Last night, before I realized what I was even doing, I was drunk, expecting way too much and reading the first book Dead Until Dark. I laughed harder, squirmed over my bed more and even felt shy during the raunchier pages. It was interesting to say the least. I read straight through till past midnight, and realized I was doing it half because I was waiting to feel validated and learned I never will be. Stones don’t bend. They are quieter then silent, but have astoundingly absolute constitution when broadsided with water. And the water flows and flows and flows and the stone sit heavy at the bottom, letting the water flow over its long smoothed surface. There are no bowls or small cracks where the water could well up.
This morning I woke heavy, confused about vampires and me. Sometimes and quite easily I bounce back, usually after sleep my brain restarts and remembers nothing of prior. I’m generally cheery, I lay and watch for a while, sometimes slipping out silently other times staying and planting ‘wake up’ all over the place. Not today. Although things went normally on the other end, ‘pat pat’. And have resumed, even attempted compensation for last night, trying to make up.
I haven’t thought about a book this way in a long time, I want to savor its entire trashy splendor. But the timing is off. Or maybe there is no such thing, if I give myself over to the way books and movies and art and anything makes me feel then things do change and lead me down new paths.
Often times when I think the worst about things, I imagine hands slipping out of each other. I need to create these hands that pass across my vision. I mean to say that I need to draw it, hang it.
I miss Humboldt. I often wonder about why. It was freedom I suppose. I often fancy the life of a recluse, the distance facilitating the avoidance of obligations. But at the same time, I think back to the unhappiness that went along with it. Maybe I just miss the people and the scenery I wonder what that it means to miss places you’ve lived in life? I want to move a lot and know.
I’m pretty sure I’m an empty shell most days. Until the wind changes, and the sea washes something along. It’s occurred to me that I don’t want Jordan to know that I’m more of a romantic slob then I seem. I like to project a tom boy exterior, but really on some days that empty shell houses coral, crimson and even scarlet flesh longing for fire and intensity and passion. I want to stagger under someone’s gaze. And it seems it has always been on the edge for a while now, I haven’t been knocked down by weak knees, I haven’t felt butterflies bouncing off my tummy walls. Sometimes I miss the beauty so much, but I can’t even remember what it felt like. No warmth, no blooming, no brushes. I really am a silly girl…no matter how much I try to not be.
The moss has grown heavy on the stone, damp and dark under burning blue irises.
Probably one of my favorite things is discovering places I've never heard of, and looking them up to find out more. A recent example is the country Azerbaijan, which is ginormous and lies along the west coast of the Caspian sea in the mid-east. I was actually really embarrassed I had never heard of it! Another place is the French Island of Réunion, which is in the Indian Ocean kind of to the north east of Madagascar. This place apparently has a similar climate to Hawaii, a really active Volcano, some spectacular and rarely noticed scenary, and in 2005 a Mosquito spread disease called Chikungunya spread like crazy through the 800,000 people living there and killed 200. Africans, French, and Chinese cultures mix and according to tourism websites, mix peacefully. But I'm skeptical of what peaceful means after reading all my travel books about Colonial Islands.
How did I hear about this place? Jordan is selling an amplifier through ebay to someone there, after sitting around trying to figure out how a package could cost $135 to send to France, we discovered this little Island was in fact a lot farther then European waters. We reflected on how we should ask this mysterious French ebay person what it was like there, go there, and even live there. Jordan stating, "I could so live some place like that, give me internet and I'm set". He went on, "I could totally do Tech Support". I didn't want to say how I wasn't sure if this little Island had enough computers to preform Tech Support on, but I didn't feel like it. His enthusiasm for saying something like that on his own made me giddy.
All of the pictures of the Island show extremely different scenes like snow capped mountains, deserty brown hills, lush V shaped valleys, aquamarine beaches and coral reefs, and lots and lots of lava. I can only attribute the vast differences in vegetation to elevation changes, because if its in near the equator and affected by the ITCZ then it should follow a pretty standard climate and only allow for certain vegetation. But as any physical geographer should know, as you go up in elevation climate changes dramatically, thus vegetation does too. Thanks Professor Haynes.
Anyways trips to Réunion cost quite a bit. In fact the currency there is the Euro, and in 2006 the GDP per capita income was about 20k(US), meaning this island is probably more stable after its colonization compared to lets say Fiji, because it is still controlled by France.
My new mission is to discover if anyones written an accessible outsides view/travel book thingy about it!
I haven't been anxious like this in a long time. But its starting to build. The stone is rolling back on my chest, resting on my sternum marrying its self to my bones. I feel like its blooming into the rest of my body, to my very finger tips.
I was looking at one of my mothers books describing Chakras. You know those obscure rainbow cirlces drawn on various Eastern versions of the Buddahs and such. Its the circles of energy eminating from the spine. Your life force energy. And the Fourth Chakra, or the Heart Chakra, is where the phsyical meets the mental of my anxiety. Sanskrit: अनाहत, Anāhata. Its function is love and inner passion. I suppose it makes sense for this Chakra to feel the opposite of love, if love spreads from the heart to the rest of the body, then when that Chakra is fucked up, its going to send out something else? Am I stretching this too much? The only place where the anxiety sort of gets caught, is in my throat. And hey! Whada-ya-know, there's a Chakra there too. The fifth Chakra, the Throat. Sanskrit: विशुद्ध, Viśuddha. The throat function is communication and creativity. Well that doesn't make any sense? I'm being creative right now, in some people's opinions, and communicating. But maybe its something else I'm not doing in my real life.
Maybe if I talked to a real Yogi, not some Santa Monica mom poser, I would come closer to really figuring out Chakras. But in the long run, knowing about the Chakra's doesn't really do anything unless you are a real Yogi in my opinion. I'm kind of rambling because that's what I do in an anxious state of mind. It just kind of spills out all ugly like that. In fact now im reading more about Chakras I realize I'm probably severly misinterpreting them and construing them to make them work for my problems.
The real reasons I'm anxious are deep. Not like philisophical and moving, nothing like profound and worthy of the rest of the world hearing. Just moving through my life things change, the things in the deep are the things I don't even realize exsist until they are on top of me. Or until after, I look back and realize jeezes that voice is there, it was there the whole time. When the misconnects happen, the forgiveness goes away...
I’ve continued reading the Theroux book, looking for salvation from its dreary start. Theroux who’s first travel descriptions consist of sentences like “this place felt English and twee”, “the mountains I was passing by are named this, this and this…” and then suddenly he’s hiked into a valley, over another ridge and to a hut, playing scrabble with obnoxious human beings. He doesn't dwell on something for very long. Or maybe I'm just not noticing it. Bryson seems to piece together his journey so well, that I feel like I've actuall spent time in that place too, I remember names of poeple and places even. Theroux will not linger on much for long. But then again the book is thick, if he did, it might be twice as long.
Also it’s like he can’t find a single person who is acceptable, every human and human related thing is tainted, it seems he would much rather describe the scenary, or be in it at least.
But I’ve also neglected to mention that he’s trekking through New Zealand’s Fiordland after having just split with his wife, after the removal of what might be a melanoma on his arm. I guess I could give the guy a break. He drops some magnificent sentences and thoughts, amidst the most depressing anecdotes.
But I’ve decided I’m quite burnt out on the South Pacific, more then I thought. So I’m going to wait and read Theroux at a later date. Although I can't resist but to type out a three paragraph quote from the book that describes Fiordland New Zealand. It's probably the lengthiest description of something in the book so far, and one of my favorites.
Deeper in the valley I was among ancient trees; and that last half hour, before darkness fell, was like a walk through an enchanted forest, the trees literally as old as the hills, grotesquely twisted and very damp and pungent. A forest that is more than a thousand years old, and that has never been touched or interfered with, has a ghostly look, of layer upon layer of living things, and the whole forest clinging together-roots and trunks and branches mingled with moss and rocks, and everything aboveground hung with tufts of lichen called "old man's beard."Pretty much what the picture shows, Theroux has done in words! Read more...
It was so dark and damp here the moss grew on all sides of the trunks - the sunlight hardly struck them. The moss softened them, making them into huge, tired, misshapen monsters with great spongy arms. Everything was padded and wrapped because of the dampness, and hte boughs were blackish green; the forest floor was deep in ferns, and every protruding rock was upholstered in velvety moss. Here and there was a chuchle of water running among the roots and ferns. I was followed by friendlyrobins.
It was all visibly alive and wonderful, and in places had a subterranean gleam of wetness. It was like a forest in a fairy story, the pretty and perfect wilderness of sprites and fairies, which is the child's version of paradise - a lovely Disneyish glade where birds eat out of your hand and you konw you will come to no harm.
I began to feel hopeful about my life. Maybe I didn't have cancer after all.
So I got the email stating "Congratulations your request to graduate has been cleared", which is pretty funny because I had to apply for jobs stating I held a degree, even though it never was official until I got this email. Apparently my actual diploma will arrive in 4-5 weeks. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that all my anal retentive double checking paid off...I just had to wait and lie for how many months after I technically walked the stage at graduation???
Read more...I have picked up a book by travel writer Paul Theroux, whom I assume is supposed to be famous and a celebrated. Troost referenced him a couple of times actually, and that's kind of what made me pick the book out at the book store. This one is called The Happy Isles of Oceania. The cover explains that it is about his adventures paddling around the south pacific by collapsible kayak. I decided, since I've been reading about the South Pacific to stick with the region. However the first chapter is about how much Theroux hates New Zealand, and how depressed he is having just split up with his wife. Way to start a book. I imagine what he is saying about New Zealand is actually quite true, which helps to break down my romantic ideals about the place, much the way my Australian Film Seminar class tore apart my stereotypes of Australia. However I can't help hoping that Theroux isn't just some overly harsh and bluntly opinionated, anti-western civilization, risk seeking, barrier breaking nut job. Either way we'll see how it goes. The book is quite thick. Although there are a few quotes I really like so far amidst the negativity:
"More than an ocean, the Pacific was like a universe, and a chart of it looked like a portrait of the night sky. This enormous ocean was like the whole of heaven, an inversion of earth and air, so that the Pacific seemed like outer space, an immensity of emptiness, dotted with misshapen islands that twinkled like stars, archipelagos like star clusters, and wasn't Polynesia a sort of galaxy?" (18).
I'm staving off growing up.
This probably sounds dramatic. This probably sounds fantastical. But sometimes, in fact ever since I got back to LA, I've had a feeling of impending doom about the world. It's over due or something, for some sort of catastrophe. It's like someone who collects parking tickets, never paying them off, until they explode forth from your glove box, in some gigantic whirl wind of disaster in your car. the economy, the environment, iraq, afghanistan, russia, georgia, africa, china, hurricanes, earth quakes, oil, water, weather ... ultimately its like that movie I watched said, we've been asleep globally since world war II. Nothing pulled so many people into it. Now we're in a coma, all these little things build up, like those blasted parking tickets. I dunno maybe I'm losing my mind, spinning fatalisic conspiracies in my mind. I'm not saying any of these events are connected, and maybe I'm only paying attention now, when things have finally trickled down to the individual, and these things have been happening all along. Hmm Yes they have. But still deep down in my gut, I feel like something is building.
I've read two books my J. Martin Troost, one about Kiribati, and another about Figi and Vanautu, I hear he has a new one out about China. Either way, both these books have only fueled my loathsome feelings towards becoming a responsible US citizen, with a good job, and independent home. That's what I'm supposed to do, thats what I should do. I mean really I should mostly because of the burden I place on my parents making pennies each month. But it's hard for me for multiple reasons. One I'm lazy. Two these Troost books have instilled in me a want, a burning need to escape. He and his girl escape to paradise, and although when they get there, its everything but paradise, they're not in America. In between the island hopping, moving back to America pulled them deep into the recesses of society, disgusted with social system here, until they new they had to move back again, escape again. So yes reason two that I can't neatly fit into what I'm supposed to do, is that I am still holding out for that escape. Reason three goes along with reason two; I'm not sure if I've found the person I want to do that with, or is willing to do it. Either way, nothing can be done till may when he graduates. But I think he would if we were financed. But I know I can't do it on my own, there is no way. N0 way. Reason four is that the world now, as I see it is so backwards and fucked, that it's hard to imagine a real life even if I got one now, in the next 20 years. I tell you something is going to happen! Even if Mr. Obama gets elected, something is going down haha.
So there you go, that's why I'm not growing up yet. In fact I told my boss, listen I need to be getting paid, I ain't gonna be your intern slave anymore you old fart! Okay so I didn't use those words exactly, but the result is now I'm a paid employee. And although I get paid diddley squat, nothing close to supporting a real life in Los Angeles anyway, I'm able to pay for my own things, and that feels sooo much better mentally. However I'm still on a low work load, because again I don't want to grow up. I'm enjoying my endless free time, and wasting time, and just floating around my life, and doing anything. It's like my mind has already taken its escape, and practicing what I would be doing if I could go away. But the rest of me hasn't caught up yet.
Another note, is that we've joined a gym. I love my sore muscles, I don't think I've ever loved pain so much! I can't wait to see the results, especially Jordan's.
(I think that this post is a reflection of my mental state. Usually when I'm happy, content, satisfied etc. I'm able to delve into a lot more other then just my "problems", I can finally write something other then "woe is me!")
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