i have never felt so disgusted about myself in my entire life. how can i have so much jealousy, and so litte patience? no matter how many times i clean and smile its never going to be good enough. what the hell is wrong with me? someone please explain, because i just dont understand. i dont understand. i am sick of crying about it and sick of feeling this way. i feel so pathetic and disgusting right through to my core. i just want to crawl up in a place where i am not exposed to it. in a little nook in a vast forest, crawl up and forget. i just dont see the point, and that makes me feel worse. that i dont feel complete with out this. and what if it isnt what i want?

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Falling through a void.

Ending up in someone’s bedroom.

Egg whites pouring out of my skull.

Grasping at tail feathers, Grappling with teeth.

The sheets melting between my fingers.



Sneaking out.

Falling over myself.

My foot catching the other angry it could not keep up.

Into the open

Ready for plunder.

Drawing swords.

Singing in my hands.

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I think I've relaxed a bit. I look around me at how lucky i am to be here at all. this place is amazing really...its really a little oasis of awesome voices and sparkling surroundings. Just breathe deeply...cross your fingers...and be patient. i have to learn that all over again i suppose. Everyday my expansion of understanding this world grows and i am so greatful to these professors even though they go through hundreds of students every year, i feel like they are connecting well to us, i have learned so much already that i can take with me away from the oasis to make things better in this world. i love humboldt.

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i dont know what has happened to me. i dont think anything really has happened, im just crazy, im making myself think im worse off then i am. i just see myself as taking steps back as others are on a moving walkway. that i fell into a group that might be adding to this. am i being labled for this? how do i get out of this? this sounds obscure but i dont folks reading and getting offended. yet i cant help what i feel deep down honestly even if it sounds jealous and cruel. i just get suddenly frustrated when i hear somethings. is that what i have turned into, up here along the redwood coast? im experiencing extremes i guess. i am becoming more self aware in the world geographically and politcally speaking, but my heart is going back to bloody middle school. do i just need to get laid? i dont think that will satisfy anything. maybe i should just smoke out, great turn to fucking drugs when your going down some kind of jagged spiral staircase. whatever i cant do that i dont know anyone well enough and im all awkward now (labeled). what do i want? what am i growing to be? i though college was where u find yourself, im just getting more confused. im decending the other side of the mountain into a valley i havent visited in a while. i hope theres another peak somewhere around here, the one i imagined.

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so i went camping friday night, with colin, colleen and jenn. we went to burlington campground in humboldt state Redwoods national park. it was so beautiful. we had hebrew national hot dogs for dinner yummy! the next day we went hiking along the Eel river. we caught frogs and lizards and everything was so quiet. after hte hike we went to the annual Apple Harvest Festival in Fortuna. We were allowed to pick our own apples, and taste cider from The Cider Works place! i love that place...its soooooo gooood. anyways yesterday we went to the zoo, its quite small but they had bears and spider monkeys and a huge garden of flowers. finally colin and colleen are a couple, it took long enough. frustrating! well ill post more laters!

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Gone camping be back saturday night!

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