Readjusting is hard...I propose a halfway house for graduates...my god

Read more...

whoa

Read more...

it hurts a lot. when he doesn't believe me, or thinks i'm trying to deceive him. sometimes i feel like i'm doing all i can, and it's never enough. am i supposed to give up my friends who are boys? is he looking for a way out? am i not enough? i just want him to understand that i'm not and never have tried to get away with something.

Read more...

I've noticed that all my poems, all my writing that reflects my life, is always about love or lack of it. That is how I know, besides the obvious, that I always put that at the top of my list. I'll give up everything for it, I'll change myself for it, I'll bend over to be the doormat.

Now a boring note...
I've decided I'm going to sleep more this week to pass the time, if I can manage it. I wish the Rec Center were open more often, or else I would just go on the bikes in my free-time. I'm practically done with my last college paper, except for revision and insertion of pictures. In other words, now I'm going to have too much free-time.

Read more...

We held tight to each other.
It was quiet at the bottom,
with the ocean all around us.
But they held onto my eyes.
They lead me by their curling fingers.
I shed tears often, unexpectedly.
But the currents absorbed them instantly.
Sometimes I imagined dry land.
What it looked like once.
Lush devotion.
Verdant passion.
So much that like the ocean,
it splashed up against it's shores.
Brimming with elation.
Down at the bottom I am old.
The sun winks behind his watery veil.
But I can't stop smiling.
Wondering if this current is the path in the woods.
Glints of silver flash above me.
And I know, what I have learned.
I look back at you.
Everything has brought me to you.
The solid silent stone.

Read more...

It's my last day of serious classes, serious work, and serious thinking (at least for now). I'm turning in a lot tomorrow, and after that, I'll only have one final next Wednesday. It's actually kind of funny how much I actually am in love with him, even though I completely push it away and don't acknowledge it. Either way it makes me want it more.
Last night I didn't sleep. Things were whirring around in my head, a slight anxiety attack, prying my eyes open. I went over and over in my head, how scary it would be if for some weird reason I forgot something in one of my classes, and I didn't pass. I wondered if I could scramble to pull together the Friday garage sale. I then imagined what I would do next week, when I had no classes, and am forced to sit around and do nothing. I thought about next Friday, and that weekend, my parents coming and luuver coming. All I want to do is jump on him, but we don't do that. The rest of my life starts next weekend, hell the rest of my life starts this moment.

Read more...

UPDATES on the weekend
More Chico things:
Skanks, cougars, herps, mechanical bull....ew I'm so glad I'm Humboldt-ian and not Chico-ish. I was glad that we went out in a group, or else I woulda felt similarly out of place as I did in Las Vegas. The incredible sense of commodore between the 12 of us out that night helped a lot. Hot as hell though, would be great in the summer to run down to the rivers, otherwise I would melt living there.
CGS Conference things:
I thought it would be a lot bigger! I'm so going to AAG in Vegas, and APCG in Santa Barbara I think...well either way, bigger conferences would probably include a lot more presentations I would be interested in. Although in the end, the part I enjoyed the most was supporting my peers, and watching them accept awards, kicking other schools ASSES! Again commodore played a big roll. I got to know a lot of my peers much more because of the conference and all the activities. I guess thats what I will miss most, my classmates. If I catch up next year and go to CGS, I'll be the out of place graduate...oh well, things are the way they are...
Kully things:
Jordan is driving up with my mother (poor boy) for my graduation!!! I get to see him a whole 4 days earlier! EEEEE I'm beyond excited. I'm also relieved that the conference is over, thank god. So now I enter the last week of classes (that I have planned for) in my entire life.

Read more...

Chico things:
Flowers like tissue paper. Lotsa of trees, I don't feel like I'm in California. It reminds me of Fort Collins Colorado actually. Colin says that it feels like an eastern Californian town. I realize I have hardly spent anytime in eastern California. I had a migraine the first day and a half I was here. I missed the brewery tour, but got to smell what a sold-out mirco-brewery smells like, even in the parking lot (Sierra Nevada Brewery).
Kully things:
I miss Jordan more the closer it gets to my coming home. I can't believe it's so soon. I'm melting inside, no no more like I feel as if I'm raining inside, every time I think about the distance and the 'missing out'.
CGS:
Well the conference isn't over yet, but also I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing here, I thought it would be bigger? More to report laters...

Read more...

Happy Beltane!

Also I'm going to Chico tonight for CGS, yay for mini-vacation!

Read more...