MOVE ON!

I've been thinking about why I don't write very much anymore and the only conclusion I have is that it's one of the things that got lost along the way, when I let me fears take over fully. I numbed my expressive self and focused my energies on protection from anything that could make me feel bad. The sad thing is writing made me felt good but I the idea of allowing vulnerability do it's thing was not something my body wanted for a long time.

Now I know what's up it's still hard to make the change 'to do' instead of 'think' and/or 'hide'. I suppose I feel like if I keep busy enough walls will naturally come down, if I just 'do' things will change. But I think that's partially how I got here in the first place. I stopped reflecting, stopped writing, stopped myself because I either thought I was better or I didn't want to admit I wasn't totally satisfied or I was scared of losing blah blah blah. I sort of lost my natural path some how.

Random ramblings. I'm making myself write you see. I've had this computer screen up for like 2 hours with nothing. So I just started typing and this is what it is, random stuff. Better than nothing and I hope will lead to more and more of something.

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So...Brene Brown...The Gifts of Imperfection

There's soo much. Too much. Here is what I can say. Her research and theories and conclusions accurately define me. So ACCURATELY that I want to run and hide and stop facing them. 
It's hard to just pick one quote, this whole book needs to be read.

Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness. pg 25

What does this mean for my future? How much pain will I have to go through to get to the other side? What will the other side look like? What or who will I lose along the way?

These are all questions of fear. The fear is rooted in shame.
I'm not asking myself what I will gain. I'm not accepting myself now and that will be the journey to 'wholeheartedness', living with my whole heart.
I've lost my ability to be vulnerable (or maybe I never fully had the ability) and because of that I have become disconnected from those around me and my authentic self.

Just thoughts, many many many many thoughts. The first of many many many thoughts that will be thought about a lot for my whole life but especially as this process continues.

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http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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Shits been going on.

Also they've updated blogger in my absence. I've been farting around with another blog I thought of starting a while back on Wordpress, whose platform I prefer, so I've neglected this blog. I mean clearly there's more to it than that.

I started therapy again. My therapist prescribed homework this last session 1) read this book and watch this T.E.D. Talks 2) Journal.

So Here I am Journaling. I've only been to three sessions but I already feel like I'm coming up for air or really that I'm just seeing things more clearly. It's like I found some stuff out about myself last time, then I threw an old sweater over it and forgot what I had discovered. I also am quite sure I cut myself short last time, I thought I could just move forward but I still didn't have it all quite sorted out. I don't think I ever will and maybe therapy will just be this ongoing thing and that's totally cool.

I don't know if I'm ready to divulge much about it. I just wanted to get in here and write something, anything. Maybe it's just that I feel like there's too much and I need to go back and some how write it all here. Maybe this absence ties in to other things that I'm rediscovering.

Shits been going on.

I'm at that place where I'm ready to move forward in so many ways but I'm just a wee bit stuck at the moment and I thank all those, especially Drack, for their support in letting me find my own way.

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I was farting around the internet and stumbled upon this article. It's imperative that you read it before you read the rest of this. It's a nail on the head sort of thing, some how comforting in its exactness and sad because of it. For a while there I did think I had new 'friends'. No. They're just people I've met, people I work with. It's a lonely feeling. An all to familiar feeling: not being remembered, being left out. It's also not something you blame on everyone else. I don't think there's anything malicious going on here, I just think that some how I'm not appealing, either because I purposely (yet subconsciously) made it that way or because that's just who I've become.

In the moments when I'm not wallowing around feeling sorry for myself I realize how beautiful Tennessee is on days like today, when the weather is tolerable. I am happy to live here, I truly am. I think, what the hell life is great! And it's obvious that I lucked out in the boy department. Just sometimes, and especially over the course of the last couple of months I feel like my spirit has changed. These thoughts and my analysis of my relationships has become a forefront issue in my daily reflection of my life. It could just be the tremendous amount of stress Drack and I endured for an extended period of time, maybe I'm purging everything as I release from that stressful place. And this is just something that was always there. The bottom line is:

I feel like friends dropped away from me, way before Tennessee whether it was my fault or some naturally occurring process I don't really think those details matter. The present is what matters. I just ended up distanced from most everyone and it makes me distanced from even my own feelings, even from Drack. I want to be more open. I want to be more assertive without being pushy and desperate. Being an adult is lonely. I watched that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other day and there's some discussion on the loneliness of childhood. Maybe that was the case for others but it's the opposite for me. I had a very full childhood. There was no questioning of relationships they were just there, they were natural - there was no working at them, no issue with nitpicking. And in some ways those early ones are always there. But goddammit your 20s are filled with relationships that seem to be missing authenticity and the nitpicking takes over, by the time you're 30 you're screwed. And it's not just nitpicking others, it's nitpicking yourself. It's like you suddenly gain all your confidence in every other part of your life but it back fires. I can't even call someone up to go watch TV or hang out for a minute. I don't feel like I've gotten to that stage with any of these 'new' relationships. It's like one has to have some kind of plan with these 'new' friends. With old friends it doesn't matter if you're just sitting on a couch for 9 hours, the time goes by and it's no issue. With 'new' friends, everyone is looking at their clocks, prioritizing. I certainly know none of my 'new' friends are crisis friends. I sometimes think that this can be blamed on couple-ing. Honestly. I've lost some of the friends in my past due to it and I don't pretend to think that I didn't do this to others myself. You don't try as hard because you have a significant other to fall back on. Or something like that.

I feel like I could write a whole personal essay on this.

There are also the times when you meet people whose age hinders the hanging out. Some how it's not okay to hang out with someone whose age difference is too great. I feel like this is something that shouldn't even be questioned anymore in this day and age. But see even in saying that, I think of all the people who are significantly younger than I, and I get annoyed just thinking about their ridiculousness. You start isolating problems with every single relationship you encounter. I feel like I got my hopes up, that I had gotten past that first awkward stage and I was completely wrong.

There's also something I do. And although I try to push it down and try to tell myself I don't do it. I know I do. And I'm sorry to those who feel betrayed but I'm admitting it: I just don't communicate my feelings enough, about anything. That's really a whole new post, but it's especially true in regards to 'friendships' and I think the reason I don't is because I know the other persons response will probably be "well why don't you just do something about it, get out there and meet people". I understand what you're saying but this is what I say to you: it's easy to get out there and surround yourself with people, it's the second date with those people that's hard. Tell me in all honesty, you don't some how relate to this?

I've been very preoccupied with my health over the last year and half and although somethings have changed, somethings haven't. And when you get to that point, you start to ask yourself if that's what's getting the way of complete health success. I feel like this year, I may need to add something to my regimen. Something that addresses my spirit. I've noticed that I've become clumsy again, I've developed some kind of fungal skin issues, I've had neck pain again. I'm regressing. And I wonder if some how all of these things are connected.

That's all for now, it feels good to write again.

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Shit pretty much exploded towards the end of March. Today is supposed to be the day that closure brings some sort of big monumental end to whirlwind. It really hasn't yet. Maybe when we have a couch again I'll feel differently. Bed bugs folks, are one of the most devastating things that can happen to someone. I'm not trying to be dramatic but I seriously have PTSD. We've lived in 4 places in the last month. Originally we were escaping a roommate, then we were escaping bed bugs, then escaping family, now to a one bedroom apartment complex with a scary brown shag carpet and a pretty wooded view.

I'm not sure if it's the stress or if it's the lack of grounding but I feel even more disconnected. People seem really distanced to me. Even Drack, even the cats...I feel robotic. We live rather close to a park I visited last fall, right after all the leaves fell. I've been desperate to go up there the last few days and I'm hoping the whole place isn't a swamp on Sunday (my only up coming day off) to go out there and see it in the spring time. It's been raining a lot here, which is lovely. Spring might actually be my favorite season, I know I've always been obsessed with fall but I've really enjoyed spring this year. It cheers me up when I'm cranky or upset about this whole bed bug fiasco. We've been so stagnant, waiting around for news about our bed bug settlement agreement. I feel like walking in the woods may bring an immediate sense of accomplishment.

I'm trying to peer in to the future and all I see is a vast expanse of what am I doing and what the fuck just happened?

Complainy paragraph:
I never got to go Austin for my sister's 50th birthday back in the beginning of April, again curse of the bed bug. Also our 'vacation' to Los Angeles at the end of March was also a disaster (bed bugs strike again, not to mention sinus infections). So after 2.5 years of living here, we've not had a proper vacation. Not one that has not ended in disaster after two nights or had to be cancelled before it even began. I don't even want to think about another trip anywhere...

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Do you ever watch cats do something and it appears they're compelled to do it. It's as if they have no choice in the matter. Our little girl cat likes to try to bury her left over wet food by scratching the linoleum. Never once has she come back later to eat it anyway, never once has she actually buried it! But she does it none the less. Somehow I feel like she can't help herself even though she knows better. Is this instinct? I guess it has to be. I've been trying to think of something comparable in humans and the only thing I can think of is finding a mate.

Things are moving quickly. Suddenly this year I feel a lot older. And it's not even my age. I just feel like I'm moving closer to the real me which is dumb because I am me now and I will always be me no matter what I am doing, where I am, who I am with etc. I already returned in January and I made no report of my feelings about it here. I suppose I thought I would have more feelings about it but really the only thing that had an impression on me was flying over the desert, even when we went down to the ocean the smell was lost on me. Los Angeles itself is just not where my heart is or ever has been. I feel like I'm looking forward more to what I should do with myself and instead of being discourage I'm beginning to build confidence. I can only credit this to the amazing positive energy I'm surrounded with everyday. It cradles me without crippling me. Meaning it's doing it's work on me.

In the meantime we're preparing to move suddenly, which is what we wanted but it's happening now rather than later. Then probably before we're even settled will be going back to Los Angeles for a real visit. I'll be in Austin in April for only two nights, my sister is turning 50, and perhaps after all of that I can consider a car. But I'm telling you my values or I suppose what was in the back of my mind when I was younger is becoming more prominent in my wants.

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essential oil rant

Last night I attended an pure essential oil (peo) party. Think tupperware but sooo much better. No really. For a company called doTerra. They're a very young company, but very respectable and honestly their single peos and their blends are some of the best I've ever used. The executives at the company branched off from Young Living because, as peo legend goes, Young Living has lost it's way. That's probably an entire blog post in itself. Short version, Young Living has been around for a very long time, as a company they were the first to really raise the bar for peos.

doTerra really prides themselves on two things, the fact that they still wild or local source all of the plants they make their essential oils out of from the original places in the world that they are grown, and they source them from independent small farmers or harvesters. Young Living is rumored to be moving away from this. There is a major difference in quality and effectiveness when you start to make peos from things that are mass produced and not grown in their native environment. The other major difference about doTerra is that they are the only peo company that has a Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade label. These essential oils are 100% pure natural aromatic compounds carefully extracted from plants. Many essential oils can state that they are %100 but by law only have to contain %10 peos. That means the rest can be synthetic or made up of dangerous or useless additives. They are 100% pure and natural and free of synthetic compounds or contaminates. They are subjected to rigorous mass spectrometry and gas chromatography testing to ensure extract composition and activity. They subject their oils to third party testing, and although Young Living does too, doTerra is the only brand that the FDA allows to print nutritional labeling on their bottles because they are that safe.

Now I'm also not saying that doTerra is the be all and end all of essential oils. There are many small companies out there offering safe peo options but do not have the financial backing and multilevel marketing that doTerra and Young Living have. I am very aware of that fact. BUT if I'm going to be putting this stuff, on or in my body, I'd like to know that it went through some rigorous testing.
And I know that doTerra knows their shit, and their shit is trustworthy.

I'm going to slowly build my collection. I ordered my own copy of Modern Essentials: A Contemporary Guide to the Therapeutic Use of Essential Oils, which is basically a hard core text book on essential oils. Also it cites all reputable clinical studies that prove why and how essential oils work. JR, the peo guru at the studio lent me her copy last year, it's freaking awesome. I really want to help others too, friends & family, only if they are open to it though. I just feel like there are so many small things one can do for ones self to make life better and peo can be a very powerful tool!!!

I'm surrounded by different healing systems and I'm very interested in all of them. Everyone keeps asking me, 'well when Drew is done with school - what are you going to do? You can't stay at the studio forever, that's not a real career'. WELL goshdarnit, I'm still figuring it out, I know that's the lamest excuse ever for a 26 year old, but I just feel like I'm getting very very close to putting my finger on it. Things are becoming clearer and clearer, just as other parts of my life are starting to dim.

I do know that for the meantime I'm trying to get this healthy thing to go beyond just supplements and peos but to the damn gym. I'm going to focus a lot of my energy on California. On moving houses. On saving monies. I just feel like these peos can really support me in doing these things on so many levels, beyond just the healing aspects, but to the mental strength. If they really really help, then I'll know I've found something to believe in, something to carry with me forever - just like the ayurvedic principles I've learned.

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2012 was very stable, as far as big happenings right up until the end. Even with all the financial hullabaloo there wasn't much that really changed. This year is going to be tough but also good in many ways. I'll be visiting California a few times this year and although it will be most likely very difficult I'm looking forward to it. Drack currently looking for another job. It's become obvious he is worth much more than his manager will every pay him, I'm hoping for no more empty promises. I think this is the year he'll go back to school and that will change a lot of stuff again. And we've made the decision to find a different living situation, one that hopefully will just be me and Drack and will also hopefully be in a place that heats evenly and doesn't have a moldy bathroom or warped floors. I think I've realized that the roommate thing particularly bothers me because he has the life skills of an 12 year old - this reminds me of someone in my past and that makes it all the worse. I just feel like I'm too old to listen to shitty music drowning out sex noises or tickle noises. It makes me feel weird to think I was in that place in the past, confined to my lame boyfriends bedroom doing nothing useful. I feel a thousand miles away from that. I cannot believe I found Drack. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have such an aware and open minded person as a partner. I really can't wait for every day with him.

On New Years day we went over to a friends house for black eyed peas, which if eaten on New Years day are supposed to bring you luck. I don't know if I need luck as much as I need strength and motivation. I suspect that with all these changes I'll feel very refreshed, however I think as my trips to LA progress I'll being to feel some things that I have never felt before and I guess that just comes with life unfolding and things happening that you have no frame of reference for. But it's just so goddamn unfair, and not to me. I've become very interested in how diet and essential oils can help us get through the hard times. I used to be one of those people who was suspicious of perpetually positive people, but I've come to realize it's the only way to survive. I'm considering a GAPS cleanse of sorts. They say you're supposed to do it for 2 years, it's even cured some people of chrons disease. I just feel like I need to keep trying different healing systems till I'm on the right one. Ayurveda has helped me and taught me a lot - but I just feel like there are so many amazing pathways of healing. And every person is sooooo different from our genetics, health history and even our mental willingness to accept change and how much you believe in you the treatment you're practicing. You have to combine what works for you and as you age things will change again over and over.

I think I'll also be looking in to a simple writing class in the Fall perhaps when Drew goes back to school. Something to help kick start my writing again, I have a hard time branching out with out guidance and most writing now is just 'here is what is happening'. yuck.

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