"things are never as bad as they seem" should be my new motto. Once one starts the work, one had undertaken the hardest part. Yay final for 5 final projects and papers!

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I am so screwed...

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I want to go. I was cleaning…going through dusty junk that I can’t throw away. I want to leave it all here and go in the jeans I am wearing to some place where I don’t own anything. I want to be a guest, a traveler. Curl up by the campfire on the beach watching the sun go down, and the stars come out, and listen to someone playing a guitar.

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Smile

smile
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

I was in the Times Standard this past Fri. 17! Look there’s me standing in the center, with my hands in my pockets. The guy took a million photos and he picked the one of me standing slack jawed looking totally silly. Either way Paul was lecturing for my Mediterranean Geography class on top of the maps that I have previously mentioned on this blog (Sep22 post)! So exciting!

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Stanford

This morning I left to drive at about 6:30. After getting up I felt the rush of anxiety over take me and it was so intense I could hardly handle it. I didn’t want to go, and I didn’t want James to make me. But I kept getting stuff together, and finally we left to get gas and pump up the tires. Only a thin layer of light shone up from the eastern mountains. We drove home and I blubbered like an idiot as James left the car, stood there and waved at me as I drove away. I always thought I cried because I had so much emotion, now I think it’s because I am weak. I chose to drive the Samoa way, along edge of Arcata Bay through the bottoms. Tule fog clung to the ground and swirled around like in scary movies. But the clear sky and sun’s formidable rays were comforting. I crossed the bridges into Eureka and that’s when the Father really started to come out. He hadn’t poked his head out yet, but like a backwards sunset, the sky turned pink and the cirrus clouds caught it all like sails, in their wind torn domain. Ascending the hills in to the very heart of the Redwood curtain, yellows gold’s and brilliant white light lit up the sky. I drove in and out of fog which was now receding west, over the Kings range, towards the ocean. What I didn’t anticipate was the colors of the forest. Usually I drive in the dead of winter, or summer. Things are either all green, or somewhat green with balding trees. But it’s fall and the deciduous trees were dropping their leaves. All of them much smaller then the redwood giants, they sprung up at random points. Pale green and yellow, they almost looked like new leaves because the colors were so fresh. As I got farther and farther south, driving through and out of the redwood curtain sparse trees and scrubs began to take over, but they too were wearing and autumn crown. Mostly red and blood orange colors. Trucks rushed by ripping the leaves from the trees, which snowed on to the highway piling up along the shoulders. When I got to wine country the vineyards were turning too, and the hills were neatly striped fall too. The trip took my 5 1/2 hours, which was hardly any time at all considering. The only part of the trip that was hard was probably the amount of dead deer I saw. It’s mating season so they’re especially prone to running out of their normal territories. I even saw a young stag picking at the green grass right next to the highway; a few more steps forward and a truck could easily have taken his head off. I saw dead fox, skunks, squirrels, rabbits, birds, it was all very disturbing, but a reminder that there is wild life out there. (On the way home I saw wild turkeys!) The 101 in lots of places was paved anew, CalTrans doing good work to fix up after the horrendous storms last rainy season. The slide area near Confusion Point wore a metal brassiere along its surface to give the mountainside support. “Stay up there”, I said to myself, “at least until I get home again”.

As for the whole missing James part, well like I said, “things are never as bad as they seem”. I didn’t feel like I had to call him all the time to be sane. In fact I was surprised at that fact the most. When I did call him, it was only because I was bored, or wanted to tell him something cool. I slept pretty well, considering I was sleeping on the floor. But I loved my mummy bag, and I never woke up wondering where James was. Everything felt really normal. Maybe it’s because James is so familiar to me, that he is me, so that where ever I go he’ll be there anyway. But again, this was only three days, a really great three days. In fact I don’t remember getting nervous, uppity or stressed the whole occasion, from leaving home to getting home. It all felt so normal. And seeing Olga was really great too of course. I feel like I can’t write about that cause that’s just too obvious!

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It’s a three-day weekend. I am going to Stanford to see Olga. For some reason the idea of going was such a trek to get through, I could hardly convince myself to do it. Why? I got that anxious feeling you get when you’re leaving home and everyone you know. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from James, even for just three days. I felt pathetic, and I told myself to get over it so many times, but it wouldn’t go away. Finally when I told him, I said out loud all of the things that could possibly go wrong, or happen, that I was frightened of. Driving alone in the rain on the highway, meeting a new guy, not being able to sleep-stupid ass thing like that. Then I when I had finished speaking I felt right. Everything that I was having problems with went away. I thought wait a second, take advantage of this feeling, and use this good courage to squash all that clinginess. And I did. Now I feel I can make that trek, and use this first time away from James in over a year, for more then 8 hours, as good practice. I told James to say to me, “you are going to be okay”, every time I get negative about it. This constant statement and the trip itself will be therapy if you will. I realize how terribly dependant I am, even though I am fiercely independent when I am with him. I think I have this fear of being alone, and that taking care of him and being his instructor in life gives me the control to not be alone. I hate myself. All I can do is get to Stanford now, be there with Olga, do girl stuff, alone.
Now I can worry about the real things, not hitting deer, sliding off the road in the rain, why I am so messed up…

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