so yes i have gone to the deep end deeper then ever before, and so i have swam in it. if i were not sick i perhaps would have left the house since xmas day to do something other then get medicine and go to a funeral. If i were not sick i may not be wadding in my own mud hole. im trying to blame this dip into the crushing depths on a sickenss. but i do not think that is the reason i have fallen into lonliness again. bleehhhh. i have asked myself so many times do i want to die? and i realize it would end something that isnt even alive. and if im not alive then how can it be ended. Maybe ill just waste away, go invisible, like a lost wright in the bleak whiteness. i guess i could call around, i guess i am the only one to pull me up by my boot strap. i do blame myself becasue it is true that it is i who am stopping myself from many things, i am scared and lazy. and it is those reasons that i cannot change. Now i have only repeated what i have said time and time again for almost a year now. in that year my reasoning has become so imprinted in my brain that i have no problem saying i am failure, or a waste of breath. and i these things are stronger then the longing for things i am scared or to lazy to do. Wow am i so pathetic as this? yes i am im just a little kid screaming for someone to help me but im doing it for no reason at all. i can fix things, but im scared and im lazy.

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well its been a while, yes it has. i am currently counting the hours and minutes till LOTR TROTK hmm 3 hours and 45 mins! eep! exciting. I find it strange that i am reading harry potter while i wait, but what the hey! i took my sister to the airport today. coming home to an empty house that was quiet was a little strange but i soon felt as if she had never come and that was sad. yet she is the most judgemental person i have ever met, adn its no wonder she cant keep to a single beat. always upping and going and rather impulsive in a sometimes destructive way. but she is my sister and its family so i do love her. I am trying to ignore teh biting hound of sadness. I am done with playing with it. the vile creature only makes me hate myself. but i havent stopped hating myself. infact i see nothing there at all. but oh well its too boring to talk about. i am always talking about it. i do wonder what i will be doing, what my friends will be doing this time next year.

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K so today I was really up and down, snapping i guess but it was not as emotionally upsetting as it usually is. Thoughts were just there and i didnt think things about them that i normally do. I felt sad about love in general and then ended up feeling that What Is The Point Of Living If You Are Never Going To Kiss Anyone. Oh man so i was like this pertains to me, but obvioulsy in no way do i want to die. I mean if everyday is the first of the rest of your life then i have a good amount of days left to change. After writing this my feelings have changed right here and now. Things just got dim, i realize they always are. I feel like i did this past summer. Like im distant again, that ive closed up again, and the ropes are wearing thin between things i like and people i like. Oh well, lets see where the current and wind takes me.

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