I've thought of a lot of things to explore here, but I guess this one is the one I'm thinking about this evening. I'll have to play catch up with the rest over time.

I ponder the idea of a what a significant other is, or supposed to be. A single person thinking you're special in a different light, than what a super close friend can think. I'm not even sure if that really exists. It seems like such a foreign relation to me. Did I ever have that? I guess I did, but it feel like it happened to someone else, and my memories are stories of that persons experiences. Will I ever have that? I'm not ready for it clearly, I've made some promises to myself that must be kept before I can consider it. But I sometimes peer into my future, and I just don't see it happening. That maybe where I'm at now, is everlasting. I'm sharing so many things these days, I wonder what will be special between me and another person. I think about those moments, and I'm indifferent because I cannot relate. I think it's probably because my heart isn't open to that connection.

But my god my heart is open to almost everything else. It's capacity for warmth and forgiveness is astounding. I hope it's appreciated by all, and I know it is by some.

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OKay, I want to apologize, I keep writing weird single sentences here and not explaining them. Mostly because I can't or I literally don't have the time. I guess I'm sort of going through a non-writing phase for the moment.

A lot of negative crap has happened to me in the last two weeks. You know how when one thing goes wrong, everything starts to crumble around it too? I narrowly missed layoffs at work for the second time, but my hours were cut in half. My dog cannot stand up, let alone walk. I narrowly missed being sandwiched between a motorcycle that t-boned an SUV, by about two steps. A couple people who were recently back in my life, have now detached me from me again, because I couldn't provide what they needed or wanted. I'm losing contact with extremely important people, to all of you I really love you, I do.

However, despite all this, and moments of sadness, I actually don't feel that negative. It's more like all this negative stuff is happening, to a happy person. I want everyone to know that despite the difficulties, momentary stalls and relapses I actually don't feel like the world is out to get me or something. Shit happens, you deal with it, nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and there is a lot to be happy and thankful for. A lot to look forward to, to be excited about. I guess the worst comes out on my blog because well there's no where else it's coming out now.

Again I feel different everyday, I change from moment to moment, but I'm pretty solid in my new foundations. Sometimes I am the rock, sometimes I am the ship and sometimes I am the water.

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I've decided I must be cursed. Or the year 2010 is cursed. I'm like opposite of King Midas, everything I touch turns to shit, or is ruined. I'm am an unlucky rabbits root.

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I can do this. I can do anything.

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It's strange to feel lonely.
I don't like this familiar feeling of hopelessness.
Disheartened.
I'm a burden.
Disconnected.
Sometimes I'm the rock, sometimes I'm the ship, sometimes I'm the water.
Everyday I'm a different person.

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I'm not a bad person through and through. I just could have been a better person. But at the same time, somethings have to happen. On that note, I believe this now more than ever, people come and go out of your life when you need them and want them, and sometimes it's completely out of your control. Often times beautiful things happen when they go, sometimes not. We'll see. In the meantime, the other friendships slipping through my fingers I'm trying to reinforce so as not to lose them at the expense of my lifestyle.

On that note, I've learned some hard lessons. Not everyone is comfortable talking about certain things. And people really do remove certain things from their lives, or place an extreme importance, make it too sacred, so they react negatively. I just assume, anything is fair game, it's fun for me, I learn from it, and so why shouldn't everyone else? It's a foreign concept to me, because of where I am now, but I realize it's always been like this for me. Why do people get so damn penis hurt? There is a lot that goes into this explanation, that I'm still exploring and learning about. Learning the limits of 'TMI' with different people depending on my relationship to them. Anyway now I step with a lot of consideration, however I make no apologies for myself either. It's just a matter of what information I tell.

I'm so truly excited for things in my life. I still get sad, who doesn't? I miss a lot, I love a lot, but I don't see any hate, I don't see any anger. I look at those months and wonder who was in my body during those months, I don't recognize that person. That's what trauma is. I had this discussion in my last session. After people look at that time period as if it was a parallel universe. Did that really happen? Was it really that bad? I didn't sleep, eat, I couldn't make it through a day. But slowly I pulled myself out, and now I look back and feel like a lot of my past was occupied by some strange former version of myself. It's probably why my recovery has exponentially increased in speed it seems. I just hope it doesn't backfire violently. I suppose next Friday will be a good test. But I just don't see it as a real possibility because I'm so removed from those sections of my life. Because you compartmentalize trauma so as to function after.

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I'm a bad person.

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Humboldt Reflection

From the journal:
Humboldt might be my true birthplace. I swear if someone told me I was conceived here I wouldn’t be surprised. I know that the Yurok believe Humboldt is the center of the universe. I definitely believe it holds a special power for most who’ve lived here. Humboldt is a place (for many people) you pass through. You live here a little while and move on. When you come back it’s still there waiting, remote and protected under fog and behind forests. I know it holds a piece of my heart in those sacred places. Keeping that piece safe, guarded, full. I leave some of my heart with all my loves, and when I return to visit them, they remind me of times and things that moved me internally. This trip I recognized all the colors, the muddy Arcata bay, the rusty green redwoods, the hazy blue sky, and the black ocean rocks… but it’s different now, there is a shift in their meaning to me. I’m so lucky, so fortunate that Humboldt was my first love; it awoke in me what I want and thrive on. I am finally awake to what Humboldt whispered to me years ago. I seek Humboldt in people now. And I’m finding it again.

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Dear Blog, I haven't forgotten you! In fact I've written a lot (yelp review notes, homework notes, and of course Kully notes). This writing rests in my notebook though, not yet transferred anywhere. You could say I'm living in Humboldt, and that is the reason...more shall be explained later.

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READ THIS

Honestly, I encourage you all to read this:
The Temple of the Body: Sex in the Anti-Erotic Age by Thomas Moore

I sort of feel like this applies to practically anything related to human's inner self and it's relation to society/culture. I remember in one of my anthropology classes writing a paper about illness/death being taboo and completely removed from our day to day lives, but at the same time it's all around us.

Check it out, it's a great read, and funnily enough, this article was passed to me only this past weekend, so the timing for 'affirmation'(which is not quite the right word) is freakish. I swear TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

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People have been really confused about this previous post, and I'm sorry for that. If you have any questions please ask. As for taking it down, I'm sure most people have read it so what's the point really. Please remember, that this blog is not all of me, and not the whole story.

Here is the homework assignment I promised. The guidelines were to quickly write up a little bit about your personality type based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Our instructor gave us this websites to use.
If you ever get a chance to take this personality test, I suggest you try it out. It sort of feels like reading your horoscope, but mine is freakishly accurate.

ENFP- Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

1) Portrait

If I had taken this personality test last year, I most likely would have come up with the same personality type, however I would have disagreed with most of the description. However many things changed for me this past spring, which literally forced me through an inwards journey. I explored a lot of different things about me, using a variety of tools including therapy and another reading a book by Barbara Sher titled I could do anything If I Only Knew What It was, have helped lead me on a path to becoming a new person only a few months later. I know it may sound cheesy, but I’m being totally honest when I say that I think I’ve finally recognized my real self and I’m growing into it nicely.

The part of the description that I identify most with, is “To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as there true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right.” If I could pick one value as the most significant to me, it’s really honesty. I’m probably the most bluntly honest person I know, and I can hardly live with myself if I feel like I’ve some how led someone astray as to how I truly feel about anything. I expect honesty from people, and I live my life by truth. When I read this part of the description, I felt extremely validated and empowered. My honesty is usually what people appreciate me most for, and in general it’s what makes me unique and attractive I like to think.


2) Career

a. The career options that appeal to me most from the short list include writer, counselor and consultant. As I previously mentioned one of the most important values to me, is honesty. I think that is why counseling or consulting attracted my attention most. I would most likely give people a straight answer and no no-nonsense information. I have absolutely no interest in engineering and sceince, mostly because I hate math, however I like the general picture of science and engineering. That is pretty typical for me; I find I have a many interests that span all fields.

b. Looking at this broader list of careers I find it pretty funny because I’ve considered many of these as possibilities already. Travel agent, anthropologist, and research assistant. But the most exciting find on this list, is librarian. I’ve been seriously considered completing a certification in library science from Pasadena City College. I’ve worked with archives and collections previously, and I really enjoyed it. The only issue I had with my previous employment in this field, is that I worked in a rather closed environment. I enjoy human interaction. Teaching what I’m researching, or helping others to find the information they need sounds appealing to me. But I’ve since been doing research about ‘information science’ careers and there are many options that do not fall into what we traditionally associate librarians with: leading a solitary life amongst shelve of books. I’m very excited that they mention this option!

3) Relationships

I find this description accurate! In the ENFP as Friends section discusses that my personality type seeks ‘authentic relationships’ and that the ENFP in genuinely interested in people and can relate across personality types with ease. I whole-heartedly agree. Recently I have been making an effort to meet new people, and I’ve discovered that some of my newer friends are quite the opposite of me, and that I’m really enjoying getting to truly understand them. I feel like people who lie or are only interested in superficial relationships I care less to know. I want meaning from all my connections, and I want people to grow based on the friendship I am capable of giving.

In the romantic section of the relationship description, they state that the ENFP is extremely loyal, and dedicated. I have to say these qualities and values are true beyond even romantic relationships, but extend to my friendships too. The description also mentions that the ENFP enjoys positive reinforcement and often asks their partner ‘how they are doing, and what they’re feeling’; from time to time to make sure that the relationship is a ‘win-win’ situation. I definitely am guilty of this. I cannot stand the thought of someone being unhappy within a relationship. If that unhappiness has some how been caused by me, I’m keen to try to mend that.

They also suggest that natural matches I might find myself in most include either INTJ or INFJ. I read through both of these descriptions, and I have to say my previous partners could very well be either of these pe

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I'm seriously thinking about this suggestion of starting an anonymous 'lifestyle' blog and sharing it with the people I trust and are legitimately interested. That stuff just doesn't belong on this blog, because this one is sooo public. I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing, but it's still taboo. I'm learning so much, and people keep asking my advice, and I'm starting to think I should chronicle my experiences. Like I said, there are so many different connections you can have with people, it's not defined as just bf/gf or friend. I'm sooo happy to have met the new people in my life. And I think these positive experiences could help redefine those 'norms', not to get all heroic or anything.

My homework assignment this week is all about my personality type. I'm going to post the final draft here in the next couple days. I'm so ridiculously excited about it.

Humboldt in only a few days!!!!!!

Today I told someone today "I'm happier now than I've ever been in my whole adult life." I really really feel that way the more that I think about it.

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