Dream from last night: I was sitting in my dorm minding my own business when knocks came at my door. Voices were yelling fuck get out of there fuck open this fucking door. there were shots fired into my room one hit me, and like the dream i had before a few weeks ago i was bloody again, although i do not remember where the bullet wound was on my body. but for some reason i went to open the door. a shirtless guy grabbed me and pushed me down in the corner of the hallway i was in such shock my hands were frozen palms out, by my shoulders. he was shoving me by my shoulders against the corner of the wall so that my hair fell in front of my face and he kicked me and was hitting me. and then nini our LGA came around the corner with a gun and said alright freeze pointing the gun at the guys who were all crowded around me. they all stood up and walked away. colin came around the corner then and i kept asking him "your not supposed to be back yet." over and over. and he told me to shut up and looked at where i was bleeding on my face. and then he hugged me and i couldnt let go. i dont really remember anything after that. except when i woke up the startling detail of my drea scared me, like the last one i posted about. i talked to heather about this and she asked if i felt pain in my dreams. I dont feel pain, its more like i feel forces being applied to my body, and i do get a tense feeling where every muscle tightens, but i dont feel pain pain. mostly everything is translated into fear or ecstasy in this case fear.

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How tight can you hold me?
Make it stop,
Fall under the bed.
Don’t ever let go,
Is a whisper I can only exhale.
Step off the curb, your ahead of me.
I can’t stop gazing, and I am scared to.

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There is a shot of charcoal through everything except the unveiled stars and moon. When I look at the muddy ocean I am looking at the constant rhythm of things coming and going like the waves that collapse and rise there. When I am looking at the stars hidden now and again by the clouds I am looking at my true inner diamonds revealing themselves and being swallowed up again over and over, never unguarded for long. But then there is the light that still comes through from the moon her-self, giving everything some sort of lighted hope. Midnight twilight. I can see hands weaving themselves together in the sand, the sand the souls of everything living now since passed. There are so many. My hand in yours is like this fine silver ribbon between two worlds that have rested next to each in the vastness of the shadows.

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There is no God, there is only what you want." - Janet Fitch, White Oleander

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(posted recently on another blog i am apart of) Hey guys! I just wanted to say how much i miss you. I have been going in and out of extreme emotions this past month. Seems i can actually feel. I feel so strongly im shaking and at other times i feel so strongly tears well up. Either way i am relishing the way my whole being seems to be affected so much by everything. It reminds me of The Secret Life Of Bees, but instead of being beaten down by it, it only makes me sublimely happy in the end. i suppose the posts on my blog explain this more, even though i must admit sometimes they are a little abstract. I want to thank a few people, Olga and Anna for thier offer of stability and genuine love for me which i hold above all others, for when i talk to them it is as if i am talking to my soul sisters (hehe). Colin for our delightful intellectual converstations, love of travel and oh so comfy couch. Aleisha for encouraging and inspiring me to be more creative, (esp with photography). Heather for her sexual frustration and for always making me laugh even in the most awkward moments. My roommate Jennifer for listening to me and putting up with my craziness and also keeping me from going completely insane. James for letting me tell him a thing or to and for always being kind. And other random folks who help me to be me and let me into thier lives. I only hope i have and can do something for you all in return.

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Cherry Blossoms

Cherry Blossoms
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

Pink in the world.

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I am trying to burn my way into your soul, using only my blue eyes. I am trying to leave a charred reminder of my care. Will I be able to say no and put my hand on your lips? Will my wrist be fastened to the white brick? I am going to take you in with my breath. I am going to let it out when I need to. I am standing on the edge of a saffron cliff. I fill up like the glass of milk brimming between us. Now I will tip over the orange, ivory dribbling down the transparent rock. Then the flaxen leaves fall, flitting by my eyes. If I follow the wrinkles, which end of the leaf will I end at?

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