I've practically memorized the xmas card Jordan sent to me, teehee.
Okay, dumbest post ever I know...but I just don't know how to express myself any other way about it.
In other news, I don't really have any other news...haha.
So 2008 has been the year with the most blog posts so far, and I reached my goal of more then 100.
Books:
I just finished the last book written in Charlaine Harris' southern vampire series, and discovered that book 9 will be released sometime in May. Thank goodness that is so far away...my brain is practically mush from the bazillion pages of trashy, crappy, but ultimately addicting stories.
In fact this year, I've read a lot of books. And I'm very very very happy for it. I thought after school I'd probably stop doing anything mentally stimulating. But I guess I ended up craving the stimulation. (Same with writing, as I mentioned with my opening sentence!)
Reflections of my year with Jordo:
I've been peering into the past. In fact trying to remember this time last year. For some reason it seems ancient, and kind of well, like the memory is something tangible, that its disintegrating. I read a couple of the blogs from back then, of which there were a lot. I remember crying on the phone to Jordan, I remember yelling at him down the phone in the back of Rainbow Acres. I remember how huge the distance was between us. The sense of insecurity. How much I was stuck in the past. All that damn emotional baggage. How much I was expecting. Too much. I was expecting so much, dying for things to be familiar, for him to be the way I thought boyfriends were supposed to be, in fact for a while after I got home in May, I was still doing it, still expecting.
Luckily I let go of my emotional baggage when I cut James out completely, refusing to talk to him. Refusing to let the memories haunt me, and riddle me with fake illusions. When I did that, I was released of my emotional baggage. And when I had coffee with him, all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was in his presence, not because I still cared for him, but because I couldn't figure out why I dated him in the first place. I mean yeah I remember happy things, but really in the end, I don't have any connections with him at all anymore. Its a void area. Its a wonderful feeling. Time and distance does the trick.
Its only been recently, like in the last month or two that I've actually let go of a lot of expectations that were causing me to wonder if Jordan was worth anything at all. But he's worth so much more since I understand and let go of him. I think Scotland proved that the most. I didn't know what to expect. Was my clingy side going to take over me? Was I going to be miserable away from him. I wasn't. It was wonderful. Before I went, we had those conversations. And I finally realized, that there was nothing I was doing wrong. It was all up to him. I just had to do my own thing, stop trying to force things onto a path that I assumed was the one that all relationships take.
Since then, things have only improved tremendously. Its silly sounding, but the less I'm concerned about him the more it works out. I mean obviously I'm concerned, but I've adjusted my approach to it, from clingy, bossy, expecting, controlling, self destructive, to doing my own thing essentially. I just said fuck it, he doesn't want me in that way, then I don't want him either in that way. So I read the Sookie books, I actually played wow solo, achieving goals without anyone else (which I had never done before), went to Scotland, stayed at home alone, went out with the girls etc. And eventually because I relieved the pressure of "why aren't things going a specific way", things ended up improving between us. Now they are going a way I rather like, a lot, of their own natural volition. In fact things that had disappeared have now flared up with a vengeance. We are getting so used to each other, that we've built the connections between us, and we compiment each other well, in that we've learned the right responses. (Theres a lot more to that last statement, but I don't think it has much to do with this particular subject)
And so the point is, I'm very happy, despite the fact that I have terrible days. Ultimately right now, after this holiday season, (which tends to make one reflect and be thankful and crap), I am a mountain of solid happiness, which only sometimes gets blanketed a snow of unhappiness. How cheesy is that analogy? Anyway, who knows where things go from here. But at least now I'm quite contented.
See, still really great.
But watch it come crashing down on New Years, just to spite me.
I love this part of this cycle. This elusive giddy sensation does not get old.
This has been the best holiday in years. Maybe being broke has adjusted my approach to the whole thing. Certainly it has made Jordan unusually sensitive in the most surprising ways.
Perhaps it is rain, even though it wasn't as wild as I expected or wanted, it certainly affected my cheeriness in a good way.
Maybe its that there has been activities, rather then just the endless stretch of work and weekends. The joy of living on Earth's elliptical orbit, allowing for seasons, allowing for puny human interpretation of those seasons, assigning silly important peoples birthdays that will continue to be celebrated over and over and over forever, and ever, therefore allowing for something to be looked forward to Earth heads far enough away for winter and tips at the right angle. I love cycles. Maybe its the predictability that is so secure.
I even saw things, that may have been painful, due to memories from my past. But I soon found out, that time and distance do their job oh so well. I'm so much happier for that, so much more relieved. But also completely apathetic, no dispassionate, hmmm whatever word you would choose for 'not caring', to all parties and issues involved.
Anyway, the holidays aren't over. There are still things to look forward to coming up! Yippee.
PS. Maybe the only thing I'm disappointed is that Santa didn't bring me a kitteh for x-mas.
I've had things to write about...I just haven't been able to write more then one or two sentences about them. I'm not sure why this is. So here they are:
The things I remember, are illusions, maybe they were the reality back then, but now I'm just reminded of all the things that rubbed me the wrong way.
Seeing you cry wasn't as scary or strange as I thought it was going to be. Maybe its because you sort of brought it on yourself. But still its a raw pink mark set into stone. The vulnerable spot does exist.
About the tapes I'm transcribing. It's a UCLA extension class from 2002 on cultural resources. They had a panel of southern California Native American's tell their stories etc. However although I'm torn up about what to do with Native American sites, and most of the time I lean toward complete protection, its a tough call. But the point is, that these three guys, who have all the rights in the world to believe what they believe, and so much experience, and so much knowledge I will never know about the abuses of Indian rights, didn't really get across much during this panel. In other words its one of those discussions where all parties arguments were presented in such a flawed manner, that it probably produced really bad stereotypes about each party, and misunderstanding and interpretation. They let their deserving anger and frustration get the best of them...discredits their important points in my opinion.
But in the end, the Indian's have been shit on so much by almost every other group of humans, that I'm willing to let them have whatever they want. However now the problem is that the new generations could care less about their ancestry and are making it harder everyday to protect sacred sites from untrained anthropologists and other such nincompoops that have gone down in quality. It's really a bad situation, and no one seems to care I think mostly because no one knows. I mean do you remember learning anything about present day Indian's and their issues in any part of your public education, atrocious.
-okay that was more then two sentences, and way to unorganized, and I could go on and on, but I think it would turn into a paper, and I ain't writing no papers.
I’ve had so much to write about. Really since I got back from Scotland. Now I’m sure I’ve forgotten some important things. But that’s the way these things go.
First about Humboldt.
It’s amazing how much I miss it. I mean I miss college, just as much as the next graduate, but Humboldt as a place is like a mystical homeland. It seems to work its way back into my life at the most unlikely times. Like when I found out that Food Network Chef Guy Fieri is from Ferndale, or even better how strange and wonderful it was to see Humboldt County featured in Stephen Fry’s travel show, Stephen Fry in America, while I was in Scotland. It’s never going to leave me, and I long to visit so much. I know this all sounds like boloney, but I really do believe there’s something very special about Humboldt. It really is like no-where else on Earth. Its so beyond unique, remote and its probably going to stay that way, isolated and protected by its big Redwood curtain. But it doesn’t suffocate the little world up there at all. The people who really care, the ones who really want to be there, make that effort to be there or to visit. They create what it is.
Speaking of Scotland, I had some reflections about it.
One is that even though when I go nothing seems familiar, I am not startled by its differences. I could imagine Jordan being there, and going through culture shock, especially because he has never been to Europe before. Maybe I mean I’m taking it for granted. But I really don’t feel that way either. It’s just another place I’ve visited in my past so many times, that distant memories prepare me for anything. Not that its truly different I suppose. People are people wherever you go. But it’s always the little details, the little things in the vernacular that are most interesting to me. Nothing about the Queen, or the sheep, or the similar fall colors were really that interesting. It was the cobble stone streets that I had forgotten and never sees in California. It was the way the food tasted different, the accents and sayings, the road signs, the names of towns, the things you wouldn’t normally consider something a tourist would visit or think about when they go to a foreign country, but all the stuff the foreigners themselves see, eat, smell, drink everyday that was most interesting. (Wait did I already write this in my trip posting?)
Two. I wasn’t panicky stricken at the separation from Jordan. In fact, although I had peculiar dreams, I didn’t feel anxious or particularly helpless as I had in the past. Maybe I’ve gotten over it. Maybe, I’m normal now! This past week we spent entirely apart, and it was wonderful in its own way, just because I wasn’t anxious or panicked. Of course I missed him, was freezing at night in bed without him, thought about all the good things, and bad things that would normally go on if we were together. But I was not feeling needy or clingy at all. I’m so happy about it, you can’t even imagine.
Something I should really remind myself everyday:
People can surprise you, and it’s always when you stop expecting anything of them. How many times have I said this before! Let go, and let things take their own course. Last night for example…giggle.
I had the most amazingly vivid dream last night. It was exhilarating to say the least. Even though there were some things that seemed to be terrifying, depressing, and strange, I often don't feel that way upon reflection. It probably won’t make sense to you, but it will help me to keep from forgetting it.
Post apocalyptic for sure. I’m pretty sure there was evil government involved. We were being chased by people, a group of people.
I had companions: A girl who looked like this woman named Cathy Dicker I went to school with. Maybe I stuck with her, cause I know she’s got that adventurous survival instinct. A guy who looked like Paul Walker. And two other people that I can’t really remember much about.
Anyways I remember throwing tiles out of a window at attackers who were fighting with my friends below. The fight ended some how and I was cheering. I felt a strange sting on my shoulder, but I thought that it was just an itch, I was so happy we were winning I didn’t think to look. When I did I saw a small puncture wound, and I knew I had been stabbed by a needle. This large scary woman was standing over me, panting and sweating, as if it wasn’t in her daily routine to go around stabbing people with syringes.
In fact during the whole dream I felt like the normal order of things had definitely been thrown out of whack due to a monumental something or another. People were desperate, turning into animals; you know all the usual post apocalyptic hysteria that ensues when the world starts to crumble.
Anyway, back to being stabbed. So for some reason I knew I was going to start losing muscle function really quickly. Which is a common theme in my dreams, either massive blood loss or paralysis. The large lady tried to grab for me, as I hoisted myself on the banister of the staircase. Some how I trotted down the stairs, which I reflected in my dreaming state, would look like a rag doll flopping around. So that’s what I did, I flopped down the stairs. I got outside and fell limp on the floor, which was a courtyard apparently.
Now there were people marching in, and my companions were trying to sneak away. They were going to leave me. It occurred to me that they may have thought I was already dead. In which case I would not blame them for leaving, but I felt sure that wasn’t the case. I cried out, “Please help me!” I saw their faces, they began talking amongst themselves, and I hoped they were planning my rescue. Anyways, some how they grabbed me, without anyone noticing, and we started running. Rather I was leaning all my weight on the Walker dude, and being dragged along.
I think we must have been in some European city, but I got the sense it was very tropical outside. We were running along some cobble stone lane. However, these cobbles were a wonderful warm sandy color, which I thought was odd during an apocalyptic dream, to be in a such warm and relaxing environment, even cheery.
Anyway we came to this huge lot of brand new cars. “Look it’s our old ‘something-or-another’”. Now I’m saying ‘something-or-another’ because I forgot the name of the car, but it was a damn cool name! Anyways it was just a simple looking SUV, but I had the feeling that it had been through many adventures. It had served us well in the past.
We piled into it, me in the back seat with the Walker guy. There was camping gear and supplies stashed inside. I knew that this was a planned escape. We sped away, Walker guy propping me up against him. Suddenly we were out along the side of a great tropical cliff, down below the most beautiful ocean I had ever seen was crashing against the white sand shore.
We drove straight to it! I kissed the Walker guy out of pure glee, and wondered if we had something between us in dreamland, cause I don’t go kissing random guys. We drove right down to the water. I had regained my body control back, and for some reason was wearing a Speed Racer helmet. We all piled out of the car and began diving in and around the waves, in some ridiculous state of bliss.
I remember Walker getting stuck in Seaweed. He was going to drown. I was ripping with all my might at it, thinking “of course this would happen, can’t have the happy ending with the hot guy”. Anyway I did get him lose.
After that the dream kind of took a turn for the “wtf” side of things. It just stopped making sense. We made camp in the cliff and knew we were going to have to subsist. We grabbed flashlights and set out for the unknown. Which included going to a mall…hence the reason the dream stopped being really interesting, and I won’t tell the rest.
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