'Dude you're totally a librarian!' is the response I receive when I tell people I'm considering going to library school. Even better then this, I feel more whole, more proud of myself, when I can answer 'what I do?', with 'I'm a prospective grad student', rather then 'I'm a mail clerk'. I also realize, that is what I do, but not who I am. But we all know, that if someone asked 'who are you?', we'd think it weird. People ask 'what do you do', and our automatic response is to say something about our employment. Next time someone asks me what I do, I'm going to say I write, I collect bottle caps, I yelp, I fart.

Anyway back to Librarians. From Book

"Scanners want to taste everything. They love to learn about the structure of a flower, and they love to learn about the theory of music. And the adventures of travel. And the tangle of politics, works of art, and life is hardly long enough to see them all (102)". "Because our culture values the diver's specialization and determination, we too often think scanners as people who simply won't get down to work. This is a foolish cultural oversight. If you're a scanner, you have extraordinary special and valuable skills (102)". "You're highly adaptable to new cultures, you're so flexible you can turn on a dime (102)". "Although you may be unwilling to dedicate yourself to one path, you don't lack discipline or have a low IQ. On the contrary, you're dedicated to learning all that you can, and you're intelligent enough to delight in all that you learn (103)". "In many cases the only problem for scanners is finding the kind of work that will allow them to use their talent...(103)".

"Scanners are poets--and librarians, documentary filmmakers, explorers, brilliant sales people, good managers, naturally gifted teachers (104)".

(See how this book is inside my head?!)

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Book...
I finished this book and I'd like to say how I felt like Barbara Sher was in my mind. It's a work book, it's almost like one of those puzzle books, that as you write through it, it leads you to logical profound conclusions. Everything I am reading, or working out from the book I am already doing. Delving right back into who I really am to really figure out what I should be doing. My god that's all in Chapter 10. I made my own network again, or as Sher calls it, a 'success team'. I asked Anna for connections to my therapist. I called Eva about the park. Applied for school, so I could gain more opportunities. I actively sought out people who could help me reach my goals. Chapter 6 my childhood. Chapter whatever, my disinterest. Chapter this, fear of success not of failure, because it's dangerous. I could go on and on about every single thing that relates to what I worked through in this book and what I'm already working through in my head.

I could say I'm really lucky that I found the perfect therapist, the perfect self-help book, the perfect whatever. But I don't think it's luck. I really think I've found those things, because I actively looked for them. If I were still on the path of self dejection then I wouldn't have done what I've done. I used my resources, or my 'success team' as Sher calls it. And I am so deep into me because I am completely open to it. I want things truly.

After going inwards, really discovering where my roots are in this whole who am I? and what I want to do and what makes me happy and why am I a half filled human journey. When I feel like I've done everything I could possibly want to do for me, when I'm finished preparing for my future, there is downtime for my demons to come back in. It could be any number of things. Eventually I have to acknowledge my emotions. I try desperately to exhale them as quickly as I inhale them. Dwelling on them isn't something I want to do. I seem to think it's some step backwards. But I've been encouraged to do embrace them by everyone Sher, Dr., Mom etc.

The only way I can describe it, is facing my fears. It's like melting an ice block in your chest. Once it's gone its air, and it can leave you as quickly as it comes in. You see everyday I win a psychological battle with myself. It's sooo painful. But I feel so amazing, like I'm freed after I go through it. That everything is possible. I can push on after winning. Brightness comes back in, I fill up again.

Remember how I was talking about a tool kit? One of the best ways to literally pull up my boot straps, is to think simply. Sometimes I get bogged down in circles of ridiculous thoughts. Then I breathe and I just go for simplicity. I'll ask myself out loud, why do people believe in me? Believe in my potential. It's easy for them. If it's so easy for them, then it is sooo easy for me to believe too! That suddenly dawned on me one day. The ease. Every time I remind myself of that I feel incredibly empowered.

The world believes in me right? Of course it does. I don't have to ask. If the world didn't believe in me, I wouldn't be here. Everyone knows I'm strong enough to come out on top. That I could get through this. Although it's painful this inward journey had to happen at some point. I'm not saying I believe in fate, but I do believe enough of something causes an inevitable outcome.

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Returning to school...
Okay...you know when you're planning a vacation, and you start going crazy on researching places to eat, places to visit, things to do, how to do them etc? Well that's what this whole 'going back to school' experience is for me. I can't explain to you how excited I get when I visit SMC's homepage. Going back to school, and taking classes is one of my 'wants". I put it off for invalid reasons. I remember after graduating, I kept saying, "I want to take a class, I miss it so much", but I never did...now I am it feels so good. The anticipation is exciting, no really it is.

I'm going through all my old Humboldt stuff, looking for my unofficial transcripts for enrollment waiver stuff for SMC. I kept a lot of work and I haven't looked at it since I graduated. I'm discovering old papers and projects, and it's such a trip. I did a lot of great work, I really did, but I could have done soooo much more, and that's what I'm going to do.

Planning...
Although I'm sure due to budget cuts there won't be as many options to choose from class wise (when they finally release the summer class schedule), I'm considering a lot of options. Yes my first idea is to go for preparation to build up and prepare myself for a Masters degree, hopefully in MLIS, I'm trying to explore all my options. I have access to things I didn't take advantage of at HSU, career counselors, academic advisers etc. at SMC again, and I intend to use them. I've tried calling the UCLA Information Sciences Department twice now, and no response. All I want is to ask questions people, what kind of 'information' department are you? Ironic. Anyway, I guess at UC's you have to go in and shove your face in their faces to get anywhere. Humboldt was so small and easy to manage. UCLA (and SMC) are gigantic in comparison, and I'm really going to have to force my way to information and help. Which will be good experience for me. I already feel like that's not going to be scary or hard, which is just a testament to the strength I've been building in myself.


How therapy ties in...
Everyone thinks I'm just posing, I'm just saying this shit to 'look good'. I was challenged about this by my therapist. Why is it so important to me to share everything about me? (It doesn't even have to be on my blog. But to strangers, to my parents, to managers, to whatever.) The amazing thing is, she doesn't say what is wrong or right, she leads you to your own conclusions by asking the right questions. Which is exactly what I was looking for, I find myself getting excited for Tuesdays, even though getting through a session can be emotionally difficult. A lot of times what she brings out, is stuff I already know, but she wants me to acknowledge. Here is what I've learned:

My blog goes along with my validation issues. It's why I have a "THIS BLOG" section in the side bar, which is basically a disclaimer. I realize that I am so honest, because I refuse to let anyone pass judgement on me without knowing the proper knowledge about me. And once they have that proper knowledge they can go fuck themselves if they don't like it. I really feel that way. I mean of course it hurts, but ultimately I always feel satisfied, I never regret it, because I'm being true to myself.

But also...I thought someone being proud of me was invalid. Being proud of myself was invalid because I'm not really doing anything to be proud of. I didn't want to celebrate my graduation from college, because I didn't do the best I could do, even though it was still overall an amazing thing for me to achieve. Even in the everyday there were little things I could have been proud of, but I dismissed them as unworthy because they were so small instead of building on them, or picking them up and running to the next step. When I read back over old writing, I find I dwelled on all my negative aspects, instances, or thoughts.

Yes of course there are negative aspects of my life right now. Who doesn't have negative aspects of their life? But right now I choose to express all the positive things I'm doing. Readers should already know about those negative things, it should be inherent based on the ocurrances in my life. So what would be the point of dwelling, or talking about them? Yes they are there, duh, it's how I choose to face them that's important. Most importantly it's important for me to really go forth on the positive, doing what is best for me. What I want to do, when I want to do it. It's why, even though I am distraught sometimes, I am forging so strongly ahead at the same time. I think it's so hard for people to realize that, because they think in my situation I should be in bed crying and being depressed. They also think this because I'm Caitlin I let my weaknesses in the past guide my life. That I would do anything to get the easy way out, maybe even some people think I'm faking this to do that. The concept of me being strong is hard to believe. The reader must see that although yes I'm sad, I completely understand it wouldn't get me anywhere near what I want if I let that be all of me. I'd remain stagnant in self loathing. That is why I'm saying right now, fuck you if you think this is fake. I do understand that this process of growing into a strong person may take years, a month is just the beginning. But I couldn't function now, if I didn't actively pursue what I want.

Yes it is true, writing, and posting is some how therapy for me. I discover through writing and analyzing things about me, that I may not have otherwise. Having the blog as a useful reflection tool of my life years ago is great. But, yes I am painting a picture of myself here. I choose what people see. Is that a bad thing? I'm not really sure right now. I do know that I'm being true to myself, should I apologize for that, absolutely not. Is it bad to present my best sides? Like I said, I'm learning now it shouldn't be weird to be proud of myself, seems I even believed it was conceit to think the best of myself. (And the last thing I wanted to be was conceited because I hate conceited people. That ridiculous notion comes from my childhood I now know.) But it's so ironic, because here I am, since 2003 writing about myself. Painting a picture.

So if this is true, when one looks at my writing previously, one could almost say I was screaming for something ground breaking to happen to me. What a concept.

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I love therapy, it was the right choice...

AND the book arrived, and I started working through it immediately. Every single thing I've been saying from the start of my journey inwards is in this book. It's really great to feel like I was already on the right path to begin with. The wonderful thing about this, is it's a work book that really makes you sit down and analyze.

Here is what I underlined, that is directly related to what I have addressed since March 1:

"You can't move an inch toward what you really want when you’re beating up on yourself. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself, screw up your courage, set aside your suspicions that you’re about to do some family bashing and locate the source of your “supposed to” problem” (16).

“…action is absolutely essential for people who don’t know what they want” (20). “By exposing you to real-life experiences and seeing how they feel to you, action will help you do much better thinking than you could ever hope to do sitting still and weighing all the theoretical factors” (20). “But every time you let yourself down by not acting, you can feel your self-steem drop a few degrees” (21). “Because high self-esteem comes after action, not before” (21). “Telling yourself that you’re a good person doesn’t work for long” (21).

“Perhaps the best reason to plan is that following a plan gets you out into the world” (23). “Whichever kind of planning you do, stay aware and adjust your path to your feelings as you go” (24). “…don’t worry if it’s practical or not. Start acting on it” (26).

“I know one simple, surefire way to make your resistance come out into the open: Start moving toward a goal you really want and the resistance will leap out of hiding and start trying to talk you out of moving” (27). “The only reasonable conclusion I can draw is that you sense some kind of danger in your path. Your resistance is trying to protect you from that danger” (28).

“…When you are doing the right work you will feel connected, both to your soul and to the world outside you” (31). “You’ll never be happy just amusing yourself. I advise against choosing a long vacation as your life’s goal” (31). “Without an activity that really matters to you, you’re going to feel empty, even if you’ve set yourself up in Paradise and are living the life of the rich and famous. If you’re not involved in something you truly care about, anyplace can seem like a prison” (31). “If you think it’s selfish to put yourself first like this, think again because when you’re doing work you love it’s a gift to the world as well” (31)! “To do ‘great’ work, you have to be in love. And with work-love, as with people-love, there’s no accounting for chemistry. To live a life that is exciting and fulfilling, you can’t do what’s ‘right,’ you have to do what’s right for you” (32).

“You’ve stepped back from the opportunities that came your way, because you wanted safety” (45). “A lot of people hug the shore and are perfectly comfortable hugging it—but you are not comfortable. You are full of longing and regret. Deep down, you want adventure” (45). “Some kids leap before they look. Some look and then leap. You looked and didn’t leap” (47). “Do you regret the things you did, or the ones you didn’t have the courage to do” (47) “You’re risk-versus-safety problem isn’t real. When you pretend that your choices are total risk versus safety, that’s what I call ‘setup’” (48).

“You own a great treasure that you’re not using, not sharing” (48). “Until you can act on that energy, the rest of your life goes on hold” (48). “To assume that it is radical and requires the sacrifice of our entire lifestyle is to create a fiction that actually helps us stand still” (49).

“Escape dreams are different then real dreams” (50). “We have escape dreams sometimes when we’re on our way to work, or when we hear about the lives of the rich and famous…we don’t take escape dreams very seriously” (50). “Unlike escape dreams, you don’t muse easily about real dreams. As a matter of fact you might have to go digging to find them, because they often hide themselves. Why? Because remembering them can be a very emotional experience” (52). “…Scare the hell out you when you think about them, and usually involve no risk at all” (53).

“Jerry says: ‘Writing takes time! And I’m too tired at night because my job exhausts me. Anyway, my wife has a right to expect us to spend time together’. His wife: ‘Are you kidding? He ‘s so unhappy that I spend the whole evening consoling him. I wish he’d do anything that would make him happy! I’ve got my own stuff to do!’” (53).

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What I wish I could write on this application:

"Sometimes you just need a break. Please please let me at least get to the Written Exam phase. I can guarantee you that I would appreciate this opportunity more then I could express. I am applying to graduate school for a masters in library science, this experience would be key in that process. Yes I have considered all the paths I could take to get to that ultimate goal. This is the most promising option of those paths. While working I could take courses at community college and prepare my application. If accepted to my desired choice, I would complete my degree online, and continue working in this position. More personally, when I after completing my undergraduate degree, I had absolutely no sense of the direction I wanted to take. But I've since challenged myself to discover my goal, and a career I could truly find satisfaction in. I'm excited about my future now. Thank you for your consideration."

All my other writing this weekend has come full circle. A sign of analysis paralysis. I'm still aching for what I want, and sometimes that longing and missing is sad. But there is a future, I want it, I just wonder when. In the meantime, as I've sad, I've made my decision about applying for school. My first step is to work on securing some sort of library position somewhere, where ever my life takes me. Then taking courses, to build up my application. Applying, and getting in.

Maybe I just needed a goal to work towards. Jordan was the best thing going for me, and that's why the relationship became the focal point of everything. I waited for it to do everything for me. Now I want both and more. I want friends, I want to have fun, try new activities, write and submit, be positive and say yes, and it just seems so ridiculously easy to do. I want to have the best thing that was going for me, and this goal. A commitment to a degree that could lead me to great specific opportunities, rather then some vague interdisciplinary field like geography.

I want everything now. I've never felt that way before, about something so 'mature'. But this takes time, after all you cannot rush the whole world.

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Waiting for responses on three more legitimate jobs. Plus inquiring at the Park...again. But harassment is the only way to get any fucking where.

Today has been really hard. When you leave an angry house, to come back to one. It's hard when there is no one to turn to. There is just me. And its horrible, lonely, distant, exactly what I never wanted, still don't want, and why I think humans are generally so sad. Yet we have to fucking go on, 'what are you going to do sit on the floor and cry?' I ask myself, "where the fuck did that get anyone?" and I get up and I fucking get back to the strength. I'm founding new paths. I'm so strong, and I have been. I sometimes think I'm the strongest person I know. I'm tested all day everyday. Sometimes I fail, but I learn. Sometimes I succeed and I am proud. It's not to say I think the future isn't bright. But in those horrible horrible moments I'm drown in oil. Having them is normal, it's getting out of them that's important.

When the place you live no longer becomes the safe haven, you get pushed. I think I underestimate the power my parents have over me. And in therapy, it's starting to become the focal point of my entire life. I'm not blaming anything on them. It's just the way it was. But now I'm starting to reject it, the tension couldn't be more testing.

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I hate nightmares. The obscure ones that make no sense are the worst. They are even stranger when they are going on right as an earth quake wakes you up.

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I've had another epiphany. I mean...well I guess that's not the right word. It's sort of a snow balling idea.

http://www.ischool.pitt.edu/fasttrack/academics/archives.php
I'm seriously...like as serious as old caitlin gets about this shit, plus new caitlin seriously...so real human being seriously considering this. Lets take a walk through my past. I spent hours looking at shit (even things not related to my papers) in the Humboldt Room. At the park my hours messing around with archives of all sorts (real life experience) and always thought I could do a better job organizing the whole damn thing. I love reading about places, learning and researching them. Most historical books or movies, I must research to understand better. Looking at things from places in museums. I love figuring out how things got to be the way they are, and in doing that I've had to use primary resources like archives. I suddenly feel like, wow I can really do this. It's a similar feeling to when I settled on Geography as a major. It just felt...right.

For some reason this idea never came to me. AGAIN I should have seen a career counselor, but maybe this was the right way to figure that out. I think the next step is to make some appointments with some people, like someone from UCLA Information Sciences department about what a degree actually entails.

BUT so far this Pitt. masters seems to be the perfect fit. It's online, I can do it from anywhere. It doesn't require a bloody GRE score, meaning I don't have to spend an extra year relearning algebra. Is it weird I'm actually excited and not scared, bout this? Or is that what normal humans feel?

Why a masters? It seems I'd get a higher paying position if I had this degree. Yes positions depend entirely on budget for institution that I'd work for, which could include museums, parks, schools, cities, counties etc. But most importantly I'd likely feel like what I was doing was worth something.

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I've been thinking and researching this whole weekend about what I want to do. What I've enjoyed doing.

archivist/librarian/historical preservation/geography Believe it or not, it's recommended that you get a masters degree in information sciences to be a librarian or archivist. This of course means a couple years of building up an application, not to mention scoring high on the GRE to make up for my GPA. And years of debt. All can be done. Interestingly enough UT Austin offers many of these degrees, and many of the UCs do too. I also discovered that there are a lot of online schools I'd likely have a better chance of getting into, and I could go at my own pace while supporting myself from anywhere. OR I could totally start something completely new. Clearly I'm good at repeating generalized processing. Which is what I've been doing so successfully at KCC. I care about the environment, what could I do with that? OR I could write. Be a poor writer. But I've always thought that I should have a real job, and write for pleasure.

Maybe I don't need a therapist, maybe I need a career counselor.

I never really considered searching for a real career. I guess I just thought it would find me eventually. Again with the 'waiting'. Instead of pursuing, I just expected shit to happen. And maybe in another economy I could have gotten away with that. I always think that avoiding the hard work, that filling my life with outside activities was really the important thing. But I wonder if I could have both. Maybe I just avoided the hard work and years of debt, because I was lazy. But I think it's because I was scared of failing, and once I got those degrees, would I even be any good at the job? Because I thought those things, I avoided my feelings on this matter. But now I'm not avoiding anything, I just feel lost. I hope the book I ordered helps.

I biked to the beach today and thought of two activities I'd like to try. Fishing and sailing. I actually took classes in both years ago. But I'd like to try them. I dunno they have the same appeal that bowling does, for some reason.

I wrote a rough draft about Teenagers, for the Sun submission. I need to find a peer writing group. I even started looking for writing classes at SMC or WestLA. Of course the semester already started. Boo.

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It's kind of insane. I must be doing something. I used to sit around doing nothing, waiting, and retreating more and more in to denial. But on my days off I can't stand doing nothing. This morning I got up I wrote. I did laundry. I got my bike out, but it was too cold. So I walked the dog to breakfast. Came home did more laundry. Started Turbo Tax. More writing. Did some job research. Turbo Taxes. Did some book research. Ordered a book called "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It" a work book for $4 off amazon. Cleaned. And so on...

The instant I stop doing something, I feel like everything could slip through my fingers. I won't let it.

An epiphany. I DO KNOW WHAT I WANT! And there are so many wants. Here are some:
I want to know exactly what I want!
I want to succeed.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to share that success and pride.

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It's occurred to me that I have been living off of grapefruit juice for a while, and it's the exact reason I get an upset tummy anytime I try to eat anything else, and soooo I have to keep drinking it. Vicious circle. I'm overdosing if you will. Some is good, but not a lot, and I've been drinking like two glasses a day practically. It's messing with the acidity in my stomach.

I've started writing for that Sun Magazine submission. And I find I'm having a hard time focusing the topic with specifics. I'm sort of doing the Caitlin's philosophical approach. Which isn't bad, but needs a lot of honing. I'm not giving up though. If you want something bad enough, anything is possible.

Everyone keeps asking me about Austin. It's a hard answer to give. I don't think it would be a cure-all for the fundamental issues I've been addressing this past week about myself. I've watched my sister bounce all over the place, and seen how her escapist attitude has only made her worse. But at the same time I'm not my sister. I have the power to be whoever I want to be where ever I want to be. Yes Austin is some place I've considered living for years, but there are many other places too. And because my sister is there, it would be easier. When the move became an adventure with Jordan, it's hands down the exact thing I want. Doing it together, because I knew our companionship could really create a great success story. That option is up in the air, but there is no reason to think it couldn't happen still. But I must consider me, and what I want to do in the future, and what this decision means for my personal growth. I've also just started this therapy. Not that I couldn't restart that in Austin, or anywhere for that matter. But like I said, you're the same person where ever you go. However I'm confident I could do whatever I wanted, and make it work. Sometime you just need to do something and jump. Just as long as I don't lose sight of continuing to discover me, and that I feel like is still in the early stages. I guess I'm just lost in the woods over this particular matter. And I consider that normal. It's a big decision, and I think I underestimated the big decision when I was blinded by my demons in order not to lose my angels. I'm not frightened, it's more like I want to pick the best possible decision for me. What is going to make me happy.

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So I'm thinking of submitting something to The Sun Magazine. They have various options, since the whole magazine is submissions. I think though, I would most likely fit in the Reader's Write section. Some up coming topics are Slowing Down, Teenagers, The Office, Medicine, and Making it Last. I''m already going back into old writing to see if I have anything I can start from back in the day. This is going to really test me, and I'm excited for that.

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There are so many things that have not made it onto my blog. Mostly its because they've already been discussed, or they don't really need to be, or I'm still trying to figure them out, or they're boring, or I don't want them to be compromised. But I haven't lost sight of them. They're steeping in other places. Although my blog has helped me express myself, I'm utilizing other ways to explore myself. Other mediums, even beyond words. But it is true eventually they make it back here, in one way or another.

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Not what I expected. Not so much the session, but really my response, which actually says a lot about me. Do I think I should go back? Yes. I don't know if I should write about any of it here. But it will probably come out indirectly. I feel like it should be my time. As if I'm having some conversation with an imaginary person no one else can hear or see but me. And it sort of feels like that. I do want to say one thing, it's interesting that they play soothing water music in the outer waiting area. In both rooms all the colors are pink and blue pastels, and stuffed with a couple of pieces of large puffy furniture. The inner room is close, and with a little space heater running, it's like being in a womb.

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I'm good at waiting, and it's a terrible thing. However, sometimes there are things out of your control that you have to wait for. Like I'm waiting for the AAA to send me paperwork to reinstate the Volvo, so that I can finally get that thing out of my window's view. Waiting for the call to pick up the Daewoo. After leaving an insistent message practically offering myself over as her slave, I am waiting for my boss to tell me she needs me to come in, fix the filing disaster I caused. Waiting for employers to contact me for interviews. Waiting for bedtime to come. Waiting for morning to come. Waiting for my damn life to start.

What I've always had a problem with, is what I do in that waiting time. I don't realize that your life doesn't just magically start. It's going on now. In the past week I've poured myself into activities. I think I forgot to have fun. When you're half a human, when you're life revolves around pay checks, it's easy to get lost in the seriousness of the situation. But there are hundreds of ways to amuse oneself that don't involve TV, in order to better yourself in the meantime. Reading. Writing. Drawing. Organizing. Exercising. ETC...

I always like to think I'm open minded. I'm open to new things. But I'm actually the opposite. I say NO a lot. About everything, and I need to stop. For years I've been saying NO to my friends about seeing a professional, and today I'm doing it at 6pm. I said NO to new activities, good example archery. I said NO to new people. And I said NO to old people. All these NOs come from confidence, and shying away from anything that might tear me away from my angels. What have I said YES to? I've said YES to my blog. I've said YES to bowling. I said YES to concerts. I said YES to bed stuffs, but I also said NO. I said YES to college. I said YES to the Green Team, even though no one else gives a damn.

There is so much to me. I don't need to be a stone, nor do I need to be a door mat, nor to I need to be an empty glass. Over the past week, I've tried to make myself stronger through my writing. Trying to discover things I'd lost. I believe I'm doing a good job. It's helping me with poison torso, and it's the only way I can get through it.

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I miss...
SO MUCH

I wish...
Time needs to go faster

I want...
I'm trying my absolute best to make it happen.

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So I'm not visiting Austin on my mom's bill, and so I am not going for a visit. I don't think she considered the prices. Also she wants to be there to see if she could move there, and doesn't want me to 'muddle' up her point of view.

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I have to say, it really doesn't help when your mom says things like "[therapy is] a waste of bloody money", to your face, when you're having an open positive conversation on a brilliant sunny day. I just walked away. That's not even an argument I feel like I should have to have. I could have said any anything, and she should say, "go for it, if it's what you really want to do". But her negative attitude always comes out, when she's having a bad day. I'm not angry, just attempting to recognize what my choices are, that I'm not stupid for those decisions, that I don't need her permission, and that what she says is ultimately because of her own problems and not mine.

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Reflection
It's amazing what you can do with a positive and optimistic attitude. I know it sounds cheesy, and this exactly the type of thing I would look at and say this is idealistic. But I'm trying something new. I'm using sheer will, to build up my will. Literally standing in front of a mirror and saying "listen you! Stop avoiding life, stop hiding!". Yes so now you can think I'm crazy, but it worked!

I think that no matter what people tell me it doesn't settle in. Part of the reason I've been so determined to see a professional is that I believe they can help give me a tool set. With this tool set, I won't have to pretend, or try, or think too much, I'll confront everything myself, without anyone's help (like I did with my reflection, filling out the brag sheet in the previous post). All this related to confidence in myself, whether it be jobs, writing, love, intimacy or what have you. It's nice to know that I have support through this endeavor, but ultimately it's me who will make me happy.

I guess it takes a significant loss of what you hold most dear to really rebuild. I'm sorry that it had to be Jordan, but at the same time it could not have been anyone else.

QUOTE
“The longest journey of any person is the journey inward”...and...“Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are”.

"The poet Rilke was afraid that if he got rid of his demons, he would lose his angels as well. Of course the danger of clinging to our demons to save our angels is that our demons may well take over." -Tim Farrington

These quotes really speak to me. I think the first one is rather obvious, and I've been addressing it all week in through my writing. And although I felt like I was mechanical in nature, forcing myself to adhere to a strict 'stay busy' attitude, I've also been able to dig deep emotionally. Really addressing what happened to me. That it was me, and no one else who got me to this point of being half human. It's not what I have that defines me. Having a great boyfriend, wasn't who I was, it was just a symptom of what I could offer. Things aren't me, its what I do. The second quote really nails my fear. I was too scared to know what I could offer. It sounds silly, but I was worried trying something new would change something that I already had and didn't want to lose. But in doing that, the demons - the fear, laziness, loss of passion - really did take over. AND although there were moments of extreme happiness, and a belief that I had found something special, I ultimately became half human. And half humans can't be in relationships, with friends, with lovers, with family, with jobs, with art, with writing, with life, and with yourself.

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I've broken them, people I cared about have suffered them too, and now mine is diseased, not yet shattered. It should be called poisoned torso. I feel like liquid pain is being injected, then shooting around invisible piping, in an oval shape from my pelvis to my collar bones. After, I feel it settling in my under arms, and around my lungs. There's a loss of appetite, and a need to expend all your energy and mentally you have to have some kind of outlet or you'll lose your honor, lose your pride, stoop to new lows. Writing is rescuing me.

But I am just diseased. There is hope. I haven't given up. I haven't. You see there is a string, a string sewn into the fabric of what I had absolute faith in. In that I have trust. And in myself I believe.

When the poison subsides, it is when I am being productive. It is when I think positively, clearly, and un-illusioned. It is when I know there is no malice, never was, and absolutely no way to avoid this poison. It is when I am with people I care about. It is when I think of wonderful memories. It is when I think of who I am, and what is great about me. It is when I think of what could be. It is when I am writing.

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I never filled one of thse out in high school. I was too scared of what I hadn't accomplished, because I was too scared to ever try to accomplish anything. Obviously I've tweaked it for an almost 24 year old. NOTE I tried to answer these right off the top of my head, so that I couldn't try to go back and add what I wanted to be and am not to the answers. This is really what I thought right away.

Brag Sheet
1)Please describe the single academic accomplishment (major paper, science experiment, math project artistic project, writing) of which you are most proud and tell why you take special pride in this accomplishment.
-I am most proud of graduating within 4 years, with a degree I actually liked, rather then taking an easy path out.
-I am proud that I have kept up with journals, my blog, and recently yelp posts. Always writing no matter what, is the most important activity in my life, and I am the most proud of it.

2)List 3-5 words you would use to describe yourself. Explain each with several sentences
-LOYAL
I am loyal because I believe that every single person deserves to be treated fairly. I am faithful, committed, and never back down from my obligations. My punctuality is often an expression of this quality. I am never late, I always call back, and I can be counted upon by the people closest to me.
-HONEST
I can always be counted on to give the most honest reply, when asked seriously what my true opinion is.
-OPEN MINDED
As I said, I believe that everyone has a right to be treated fairly. There are always two sides, two perspectives, and two truths to every story, opinion, person, and belief.

4)What special talents do you possess? (Music, sports, theatrical, etc.) Explain.
I am good at supporting other people with their emotional distresses, and completely willing to help them. I am great at expressing myself with words on paper. I kick ass with Pikachu on super smash brothers. I’m a fast reader and good at reading comprehension. I can find my way with visual landmarks. I notice things on the land that other people do not.

6)Is there anything else we should know to understand you more fully as a person and a learner?
-I am open to change. I always want to be the best person I can possibly be, sometimes I need to remind myself of that, but it’s true when I remember again.

5)What are your hobbies/interests? Be specific about what you do outside of school. If you take music lessons, say how long and whether you plan to continue. If you have a collection, say how many and describe your collection. If you enjoy travel, say where you have traveled and your experience.
-I love bowling. I love horseback riding. I love writing. I’m collecting bottle caps. I can draw on the right nights. I love going to the gym. I love swimming. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy laughing. I enjoy being around new people. I enjoy intelligent heartfelt conversations.

6)What are your goals? What do you hope to accomplish in college and for the future? Consider careers and broader life goals.
My goal is to have a stable, fast paced job, working within a team environment, while saving money to do whatever I want with. It doesn’t matter where. To be happy with myself, and what I am doing, while giving as much as I can to other people. Turning inward is the best way for me to meet those goals at the moment, but at the same time I don’t want to miss any opportunities or deny invites to new things.

7) Write a paragraph or two about yourself from your counselor’s point of view that can be included in a Letter of Recommendation.
Caitlin has an open heart, and is fluid like water. She allows emotion to guide her, and believes that through your emotion you can find out the most intimate things about yourself. She really wants to please and be the best person and better person in every situation. Given the right chance she can thrive.

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I'll be flying out to Austin sometime at the end of the month. It'll be a good chance to get a feel for the place. See if I could actually live there. All the signs point to yes, but this opportunity will help me to finalize my decision. Maybe by that point I'll have already made up my mind, and my mom can just leave me there. To early to say.

I've also set up and appointment with a real therapist for next Tuesday. It will be my first experience with something like that, and I'm all at once frightended of facing my fears, and excited to stomp up and down on them. I guess that's natural. Definitely going to a tight budget.

In other news Volvo is 'insured', going to try to register at the AAA offices either this afternoon, or tomorrow during their mini hours. Then I could technically sell it at Carmax on Sunday.

Today has been really hard, but I'm digging deeper and deeper into myself for strength. It's there, but my stomache won't cooperate.

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At the gym I think I overdid it, the burn felt so good though. When I got home I felt weak again, lonely. But I didn't let it last too long I started up some research. I was planning on, and may still go to AMCS, but Dr. just called me back, and now it seems we're playing phone tag. Either way, I don't want to put this off any longer. I took a bath, having gone to the gym I looked at my body and thought that won't be there anymore, these will go away etc. It was a good feeling. Why did I let it go so long?

Had an awesome conversation with Jacquie. Until this past winter, we had not been very close. But our relationship is sort of blooming, took 23 years. I think my sisters and I have come to a solidified conclusion about why we are the way we are. It helps to know that I'm not just a bad seed or something. In fact I'm the best one. And I'm young enough to really address my genetics and up-bringing head on.

My blog has never been so important to me.

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need
function noun
Necessary duty, obligation. A lack of something requisite. A condition requiring supply or relief. Lack of the means of subsistence.

want
function verb
To desire to come, go, or be.

I actually slept really well last night. I didn't wake up. Maybe it was because I'm so exhausted from emotional trauma. But I think it was because I don't need Jordan anymore then he needs me. But I want him, and I think he wants me too. He made a terrible mistake. I think with time its settling in to me. Clearly I'm going to have setbacks, and I don't think I'll ever get to that stone hard place. But I know that I offer something different, that difference is what people like about me. I lost that 'know' about myself, because it was a root of confidence that needs some tender care.

Dream: I had a dream that I was in a range rover trying to forge a river in the dark, in reverse. I think I was in reverse, because last night I backed out of Jack's driveway the whole distance in reverse, I never get the chance to do that, so it must have had weight in my dream. Anyway it was dark, the water was only like 6 inches, but it was raining. I had no idea why I was crossing this river, in someone elses' car no less, in fact I get the strangest sense I was moving it for them. After that I woke up 7 sharp, as usual.

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I am putting on my own wings.

To start
I wrote these last week, seeking serenity:
Looking out of my bedroom's french windows. Watching rain or wind in the desert. Experiencing storms rolling towards me, moving over the Arcata bottoms, as seen from Founders Hall. Jordan driving on a hot day, all the windows rolled down. Rivers moving through meadows and woods and great stone parapets.

Next
I must keep as busy as possible. When I got to work I sort of made a scene. I found a quiet desk in the atrium, after convincing my boss the best thing for me was not to wallow around in bed, but to work. And I was right, I know myself you see, keeping busy is the best thing I can do.

Set Back
It happened, whatever. It didn't change my course, I was already on it.

Next Step
I printed a 7 day pass to 24 hour, which is right next to my work. Did you know that 24 hours website has live chat? It took 1 minute for them to type, "Guess what, and I know you will like this..." then a minute later "...you can use your 7 day pass at any location". Typing in English must not be this reps first language. Yes I know for a fact that 24 hour outsourced their billing. Anyway point is I'm going after work tomorrow, and the day after, and so on, and then I'll join again. I'm starting with my body, starting with my health.

After this
The possibilities are endless. First make appointment with Dr.

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Another knife through the heart is the Austin Texas guide I requested in the mail arrived yesterday, luckily I didn't have time to dwell since I found in the box when I opened the door for Olga. And while I was with her, here and at her house up until 10:30, I was able to function and prepare.

In an attempt to try to heal, an attempt to try to give space, attempt to try to live on, I've dealt with the internet fallout of relationships. I managed my facebook account settings, so as to avoid encounters with anything that might cause me to break down as soon as I read it. I deleted my twitter account, in an effort to just get rid of my reliance on the internet. I'm looking into finding someone reliable to sell my wow account for me. In this way I'll have to go out of my way to find things out, and I won't be viciously eye slapped and surprised. I hope this isn't taken as a personal affront, but rather a way for me to heal without becoming a psycho maniac.

I didn't sleep last night at all. That is no exaggeration. When I fist got in bed, I was freezing. I lay with my eyes closed, the TV on the, lights on all night. When I tried to turn them off, the emptiness only exacerbated all my thoughts and symptoms. My whole body is still aching and panic is starting to settle. I self induced a fever. At a couple points I went to the bathroom, and tried to make my self throw up because I'm so damn nauseous. It's a deep terrifying panic. I realize how much my routine revolved around Jordan. Talking to him on AIM, on facebook. Thinking about plans for the future, thinking about thins we did in the past. EVERYTHING I think about reminds me of Jordan, and the whole cycle starts all over again. I cry, I calm down, I get anxious, I can't sleep. I focus on the TV, I forget for a split second but then he's back. I want him back so badly.

While deep down inside I want to believe it was a horrible nightmare, that he'll come back...I'm preparing for the worst. I just want someone to hold me, and never let go. They can be faceless, but another human beings presence is the the only thing keeping the pain of my heartbreak at bay. I wish Jordan could be that person.

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Have you ever screamed so much, you didn't feel human? That's what wailing is. I think I wailed the entire 35 miles. The pain is so bad, the only way I can deal with it is to scream. The louder more jarring it felt the more I felt like I was releasing everything pent up inside me. But now its left a great chasm. Vast and infinite in twilight, and heat. If I stop talking or crying I feel ill like I'm going to vomit all my internal organs. A few things kept repeating themselves amongst my screams. "no no no no no no no no no no" "please" over and over "please". "What happened to me? What happened to me? What happened to me? What happened to me?". "What am I going to do now?" "I have nothing left, I have nothing anymore. I have nothing left" "I'm all alone. I'm alone".

I'm so stupid. I imagined so many great things to happen, so many things to share. But I always waited for them to happen. I was always waiting, relying, and submitting. I thought we'd be so happy for so long. Me, him and Guinness. I thought about lying around a lovely apartment in Austin fans blowing all over us in the heat. I thought about driving cross country with him. I thought about being with him forever. I thought about kissing him, hugging, him rolling over and finding him in bed. Being all the things I fail to be, and I don't know why. I want to tell him over over and over. I'm so stupid.

But I knew it was coming, I felt it over two weeks. Nothing but distance. I told myself no stop, it cant be true. But even on my way from the DMV to his house, I broke down crying before I got there. I felt it coming. "What am I going to say to change his mind?", I asked myself. When he opened the door I could then see it in his eyes. He was gone, it was all gone. I wanted to beg him, to please don't let me go. Don't dismiss me. I love you. I'd do anything for you. Which were all the things he didn't want me to do. I imagined all the things people are going to say. Packing all his stuff into a box.

I've done that. I'm staring at the box, it is the saddest thing I have ever seen. I feel hollow. I used to feel like a great stone had been rolled on my chest in tumultuous times. But now I feel completely hollow, like a cannonball ripped through my rib cage. The worst part by far, is the string. It fell off, weeks ago. This morning I found another one, which had fallen off a couple years ago, while I was cleaning out the volvo. Just this week I was making a new one for him. A new one to bind us back together. I'm already wearing mine around my neck. But he'll never come to back to me now. He never got the new one. I made it to bring us back, and it will never happen.

I'm broken, completely broken.

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