Fortune cookies
You may have to be patient now-think, listen and heed signs.
You have a reputation for being straightforward and honest.

I guess my dreams are just expressions of my anxieties. Lately events have played themselves out in my dreams how they might in real life, or how they could in a worst-case scenario. Recently sleeping next to somehow seemed to alter my sleep patterns. I was loosing my dreams; I could not remember them any more. So for a while I focused my energy on remembering them when I woke up in the mornings. Now I can catch glimpses of them and most of the time I don’t like what I’ve caught. Some days I’m allowed the chance to doze. I can push my mind to a strange place, right when I’m going in and out of sleep and awake. If I manage the delicate line, I can loose the feeling in my arms and legs. As if they are sort of floating above where they rest, or as if they are not even there at all. I wonder if that is what angels feel like? I think I may have developed a thing for the idea of angels and fairies, or perhaps its for thier wings per say. At work the parrots fly all over the house and their wings are small but they produce quite a lovely noise in the air. I think it might be what wings symbolize, or what people believe angels and fairies symbolize. Another wish I tend to make (along with two moons) is for fairies and angels to be real, some how I feel like it would make the world less grey sometimes.

Who am I wishing to?

Quotes from The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
“To this day, I find it hard to gaze directly at people like Hassan, people who mean everything they say.”
“He was so goddamn pure, you always felt like a phony around him.”

Last night on the 10 freeway the earth rushed by under the wheels of our car. Outside the window I could see LA’s shadowy rooftops and treetops stretching out in a swirl of city lights. The moon, full and tinted yellow from the smog, was the only thing constant. It seemed to be racing us across the city, never pulling ahead or falling behind just there constantly running with us, maybe even guiding us.

Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273) master poet, these are some quotes from his Islamic manuscripts.
The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they’re in each other all along.
Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom. How do they learn that? They fall, and falling, they’re given wings.
The morning wind spreads its fresh smell. We must get up to take that in. That wind that lets us live. Breathe, before it’s gone.
The ground’s generosity takes in our compost and grows beauty. Try to be more like the ground.

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I wonder what is actually going on, what I am actually feeling and see if I am just labeling it wrong. How do you know? It has been a good summer, I guess if I had to pick reasons why I could tell you but I don’t think I need to really.

Sometimes I wish for two moons. Since I was little I always thought that if there were two moons the earth might be pulled quite differently. Last night I wished for two, so that I could read by moonlight coming in through the window. I remember full moons and unveiled stars at my sleep away camp lighting everything up silver. Moon shadows and foxtail. I think it’s one of my favorite things in the world, and living in lighted vicinity doesn’t allow for much chance to see such a thing. But I think everyone should. It’s one of those images I can see clearly just as I can see my backyard or the dashboard of my car.

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July 6: I am worried for august. I am worried for them that are eyes. I am worried that they will become sore, that they have not been. I am living, I am looking beyond and I see what I think I need, what I will get, what I want, what I don’t. I am tying to make everything fit, like packing a damn suitcase.

July 7: I am worried for august but now I’ve been reminded and I’ve remembered that it will all be all right. Whatever happens happens. I wonder what it will be like; I mean I wonder what it will feel like to leave again. If it will be the same as before, if I will readjust the same. There will be so much to distract me at first, and then I’ll settle and I’ll think and I’ll draw conclusions from the depths of the well. I kind of wish I could just go away sometimes, not even to Humboldt, which seemed to be the thing I needed most in my life. But somewhere new see if it can open yet more doors. Help me figure out what to do what to say. How to be better, how to be I and be better and how to keep all my principles and please everyone too. Figure out what I want in life; figure out where I am going in life.

July 8: (Addressed to 'Jaimito'), I keep realizing how amazing people are, so much complexity, how you never really know more then 65 percent of a person I would say. I look up to more and more people everyday I find. And there’s only one of every person, making everyone pretty unique. I realize how much greater people seem to be then I am. I want to be better. I haven’t met everyone in the world, but I think you are probably among the best people I have met, and will ever meet. I mean you are good. I guess like an earn filled up with holy water or something. I feel like you can do nothing that would be unforgivable, I think that’s why I feel safest with you. And a while ago I used to think it was creepy and a little phony and of course I think differently now.
In a conversation with Anna a long time ago, that I printed and pasted in my scrap book I said “perhaps that’s what love, in all its varied forms is. You and the other are the only ones who know exactly what the specific bond you both share is.” And it’s true. And most of the time the two people don’t even know themselves. I don’t know why I love Olga deep down; I mean I can find things that I love about her, but still there’s that unexplainable thing that pulls you towards people. It doesn’t matter what they look like, what they do, what they believe, where they are from, you just love them. No one else can even come close to guessing why either.
I know that feel like I could really fly, that you do help me with my wings. I like that this entire summer I have truly been myself, and your okay with that, just like Olga and Anna are.I wish I could see around the corner in front of me and understand my future. I’m walking the path walked millions of times before by people. Because everyone goes down this road when you have this quest.

July 12: I got up this morning having to think about how fast the end of summer has been creeping up. The reason it mattered lay right next to me. The end just Creeps up like the tide at night. No one sees it it just comes silently and washes everything away. On the way to work i listened to Death Cab For Cutie, I mean i actually listened but it pulled me back to humboldt. Instead of looking at the 405 i felt like i was looking at the 101 and the bay stretching out before me glistening in the sun, the redwood hills smokey in the morning. At work i typed the word 'total' so many times it looked as if it were spelled wrong. And i realized i have only 5 days of work left. I only have three weeks of LA and all the people in it left. I feel like i havent really seen anyone long enough to be satisfied. What will i do that weekend, when im packing? I dont think my cheeks will be dry thats for sure, although i hadnt thought i would cry till i almost did in the car today. I hate things like that, things you hate and love at the same time. I hate leaving LA but I love Humboldt. I hate that i cant make a decision, i hate that i cant decide to give up something that could be something just because i want to live as much as i can in my young years.

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i have alot to write about, im just not sure how to approach it at the moment. it needs consideration i think. i can't splatter it here without precaution. mostly i have no idea what i even want to say. I think it might be one of those things, the ones where you just start writing, picking one of the zillions of things you have to choose from and you develop it in in the writing. and it all unravels like yarn in front of you. I iron a lot of this out when i practice this sort of "figuring out". i just wish i could at the moment, instead i've waisted my time explaining that i want to write, not actually writing and i have to return to faxing and typing.

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Waking up this morning was strange, the first thing i thought about was going back to humboldt, what it will be like.

I feel like i've been so on the go, more then i have ever been in my entire life that i'm not even living it becuase i have no time to really sit back and think about it. I feel like this is what a transient might feel like except i'm staying in one place. I just keep moving and i am never home unless to sleep or for 'other activities'. Yesterday was the first day in about two weeks i have been at home alone. I picked up a Kite Runner, read two pages and called Olga. I just couldnt handle sitting there. About a month and half ago i would have just sat there for hours reading but i couldnt handle being there alone not doing something with someone. Last night i went to bed at 10 too and slept what 8 hours which i see is the best thing i could have done on a designated alone night.

My life at humboldt was so laid back and it ahs completely turned around.

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