So I got the email stating "Congratulations your request to graduate has been cleared", which is pretty funny because I had to apply for jobs stating I held a degree, even though it never was official until I got this email. Apparently my actual diploma will arrive in 4-5 weeks. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that all my anal retentive double checking paid off...I just had to wait and lie for how many months after I technically walked the stage at graduation???

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I have picked up a book by travel writer Paul Theroux, whom I assume is supposed to be famous and a celebrated. Troost referenced him a couple of times actually, and that's kind of what made me pick the book out at the book store. This one is called The Happy Isles of Oceania. The cover explains that it is about his adventures paddling around the south pacific by collapsible kayak. I decided, since I've been reading about the South Pacific to stick with the region. However the first chapter is about how much Theroux hates New Zealand, and how depressed he is having just split up with his wife. Way to start a book. I imagine what he is saying about New Zealand is actually quite true, which helps to break down my romantic ideals about the place, much the way my Australian Film Seminar class tore apart my stereotypes of Australia. However I can't help hoping that Theroux isn't just some overly harsh and bluntly opinionated, anti-western civilization, risk seeking, barrier breaking nut job. Either way we'll see how it goes. The book is quite thick. Although there are a few quotes I really like so far amidst the negativity:

"More than an ocean, the Pacific was like a universe, and a chart of it looked like a portrait of the night sky. This enormous ocean was like the whole of heaven, an inversion of earth and air, so that the Pacific seemed like outer space, an immensity of emptiness, dotted with misshapen islands that twinkled like stars, archipelagos like star clusters, and wasn't Polynesia a sort of galaxy?" (18).

Another note I would like to make about travel writers that I've noticed, and bothers me immensely is their lack of placing time frames around their travels. When someone goes to a country and thinks that its better not to mention dates because it makes it too much like a history book or memoir, but rather a place captured in time and never changing is down right stupid in my opinion. As a geographer it annoys me! Places are always changing! If "so and so" goes to "such and such" in the early '90's it's going to be a helluva lot different now then it was back when the world was free of seemingly mandatory cell phone and internet usage to survive. Even on remote polynesian islands, change comes, even slowly, and to not acknowlege that at the time "such and such" was like this, is down right misleading. But maybe I'm just missing the point, and that dates shouldn't really matter in the long run. Hence the reason I'm trying to beef up my travel book shelf so that I may have some good examples if I ever ventured to write an essay about some trip I may take.

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I'm staving off growing up.

This probably sounds dramatic. This probably sounds fantastical. But sometimes, in fact ever since I got back to LA, I've had a feeling of impending doom about the world. It's over due or something, for some sort of catastrophe. It's like someone who collects parking tickets, never paying them off, until they explode forth from your glove box, in some gigantic whirl wind of disaster in your car. the economy, the environment, iraq, afghanistan, russia, georgia, africa, china, hurricanes, earth quakes, oil, water, weather ... ultimately its like that movie I watched said, we've been asleep globally since world war II. Nothing pulled so many people into it. Now we're in a coma, all these little things build up, like those blasted parking tickets. I dunno maybe I'm losing my mind, spinning fatalisic conspiracies in my mind. I'm not saying any of these events are connected, and maybe I'm only paying attention now, when things have finally trickled down to the individual, and these things have been happening all along. Hmm Yes they have. But still deep down in my gut, I feel like something is building.

I've read two books my J. Martin Troost, one about Kiribati, and another about Figi and Vanautu, I hear he has a new one out about China. Either way, both these books have only fueled my loathsome feelings towards becoming a responsible US citizen, with a good job, and independent home. That's what I'm supposed to do, thats what I should do. I mean really I should mostly because of the burden I place on my parents making pennies each month. But it's hard for me for multiple reasons. One I'm lazy. Two these Troost books have instilled in me a want, a burning need to escape. He and his girl escape to paradise, and although when they get there, its everything but paradise, they're not in America. In between the island hopping, moving back to America pulled them deep into the recesses of society, disgusted with social system here, until they new they had to move back again, escape again. So yes reason two that I can't neatly fit into what I'm supposed to do, is that I am still holding out for that escape. Reason three goes along with reason two; I'm not sure if I've found the person I want to do that with, or is willing to do it. Either way, nothing can be done till may when he graduates. But I think he would if we were financed. But I know I can't do it on my own, there is no way. N0 way. Reason four is that the world now, as I see it is so backwards and fucked, that it's hard to imagine a real life even if I got one now, in the next 20 years. I tell you something is going to happen! Even if Mr. Obama gets elected, something is going down haha.

So there you go, that's why I'm not growing up yet. In fact I told my boss, listen I need to be getting paid, I ain't gonna be your intern slave anymore you old fart! Okay so I didn't use those words exactly, but the result is now I'm a paid employee. And although I get paid diddley squat, nothing close to supporting a real life in Los Angeles anyway, I'm able to pay for my own things, and that feels sooo much better mentally. However I'm still on a low work load, because again I don't want to grow up. I'm enjoying my endless free time, and wasting time, and just floating around my life, and doing anything. It's like my mind has already taken its escape, and practicing what I would be doing if I could go away. But the rest of me hasn't caught up yet.

Another note, is that we've joined a gym. I love my sore muscles, I don't think I've ever loved pain so much! I can't wait to see the results, especially Jordan's.

(I think that this post is a reflection of my mental state. Usually when I'm happy, content, satisfied etc. I'm able to delve into a lot more other then just my "problems", I can finally write something other then "woe is me!")

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I wrote what I wrote yesterday because at the time it seemed like the right medium. Perhaps it wasn't. What I wrote ended up being more of a teenage diary spill, but I guess I needed to organize my memories, and that's just how it came out is all. I wasn't particularly upset, maybe I got more so as I was writing and remembering. But by the end, and later in the afternoon, I realized it didn't really matter. I mean in the long run its always between me and Jordan. I guess the point of the matter is, don't just tell me whatever it is you have to say. He's in the relationship too, why is it all up to me? But you can't tell people that. I mean how does one bring that up in a conversation? So ultimately the post was just a release.

And really in the end, I've ether grown grossly used to the way things are, or I don't even care anymore, or they don't bother me anymore, or I've let go, or they've gotten better, or they were never issues to begin with...so really in the end what the outside world says is what they say and only that. Opinions I guess. Perspectives that they are entitled to.

I guess for me, at this time, I'm here and this is where I am going to be. I don't really have anything else to say, positive or negative, simply this is where I'm at right now.

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i'm at work, procrastinating as usual, but I'm getting paid which helps. So that also is why I'm writing, avoiding the mundane task of archival entries.

Anyways, I thought about writing this chronologically. But it's hard to do that, because I'm a bit confused as to when things happened or progressed. But i think it's in order. But Over the summer, and even before, friends here, such as olga, justin, eric, anna, millie, and even cooper have dropped obvious hints to their dislike of jordan. Or rather I mean it starts with olga, who knew the details. Olga claims she does not like Jordan when he treats me badly, but if he makes me happy then its fine. Anna says she doesn't really know Jordan enough to dislike him, but said directly to me "you're selling yourself short". Both of them though, just want to support me, and make sure I'm happy. But I can tell their apprehension to anything relating to just me anna and olga and jordo hanging out. They'd rather he not exist.

Millie at 4th of July, who was incredibly wasted dropped some random sentences such as 'I cant believe you are still with him', and it just seemed so out of the blue, that I went up to jordo that night and was like 'are you going to break up with me?' He said, 'um no?!' startled. I said 'well Millie is saying things like "I cant believe you are still with jordan", is there something I should know about?' He was like 'UM no'. And he way really angry at millie for that, because it appeared that something else was going on, that I should know about and i would be upset about. but rather it was just millie expressing her opinions.

Eric Schub always defended Jordan, according to Olga, until we had the "wee apartment party" at her house (cooper, justin, me, anna, olga, schub in attendance). And Jordo had a cow, when me and anna, and olga locked ourselves in Olgas room and took bra pictures of ourselves, very drunk. (Jordo freaked out and thought we were sending them to people, and he was like we are leaving, and we left the party abruptly, olga following us to let us out of the garage. I remember being on the verge of tears in the elevator, it would have been incredibly awkward except that I was drunk, and knew that I hadn't done anything wrong. Anyways we got into the car and olga was like listen don't go, don't take it out on caitlin etc, and jordan was like no its okay i can drive. i don't remember details of their conversation, I was sitting in the car and it was hard to hear. The Alcohol inhibited my memory. anyways olga went back up to her apartment, and we sat in the garage and I just sat there crying, and telling him i would never do anything to hurt him, and why couldnt he believe me etc. I was sorry etc. he explained he just didn't like locked doors. I held onto his hand so tightly. Then we returned upstairs to the party. At the time it didn't really occur to me that anyone had talked about the occurence in our absence, but overtime its become clear there was some conversation. Now I even wonder what was said, while the girls and I were in the bedroom.

Anyways after that it was clear things had changed, everyone seems to have a certain strange sympathetic look when they see me. Or they say things...

At the IBN night party this past weekend (we had to dress up in cocktail dressses). Justin was wasted, and justin said, wow Caitlin you look totally amazing, Jordan, you should be fawning over her. And millie was like yeah yeah. etc. I walked away, not wanting to even see what Jordan would say to that, cause the most he had said about how I looked when I asked was "fine". Anyways another memory I have of that night justin was like I can't believe you've lasted this long cait, or something along those lines. This whole night was really fuzzy because I'm not sure how those comments happened. But they existed

I dont really respond to these comments, usually I just give a shrug.

But ultimately I realized that everyone feels the same way. That people do talk about us behind our backs. Which i dont mind, because I do it too. I think it's normal. But the part that bothers me, is that I get the brunt of the declarations of peoples opinions, and Christ, if anyone needs to hear that shit its jordan. Not me. I know it. If they want to break us up, they are going about it all the wrong way. if they want to fix it, then they shouldn't keep telling just me. If all their opinions are about jordan tell him, not me. In the end it just makes me not want to discuss with other people anything. I mean the thing with Justin is that, he's always going to be jordans friend, but that he has some opinions on our relationship, which i think have been developing as a result of eric's critical analysis of people and olga and anna's inside look into our relationship. I mean whatever they can think what they want, but really don't tell just me.

I could probably write a lot more to go with this but im scared of what i might write. and would rather come back at a less heated time.

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I hate dreams that feel so real.

This morning I had a few of them, I woke myself up, they were so awful. They were dreams about my worst fears coming true, or situations ending in worst case scenarios.

They seemed real, because the people in them acted so like themselves that it was believable. The things were plausible enough that they could be approached in such a way.

Either way I'm kind of shaken. I was so wide awake this morning when the alarm went off, because of all the sharpness. Usually I lay there, hardly moving, wishing so hard I was some where else and didn't have to go to work.

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Emylou reminds me of Humboldt. Strangely enough I miss it. Emylou reminds me of old times. People I'll never see again. Bad timing, years even at the wrong angles.

If I could change my local every weekend, I would be such a happy person. I seem to do better on the move.

Lists I need to work on: things I would do with a million bucks, reasons I love people, reasons I don't, things I should change about myself, things I should look into in the future.

Maybe it's not so bad, this going back thing. I just have to fill up all my time. If my going out, creates problems, then honestly I don't care.

I'm constantly trying to get inside and understand. I would lay down everything to please, and not be lame and annoying and boring and sad and stupid and dumb and... I guess I just think my being considerate and concerned for others well being, would in turn make them feel that they can care about me that way. Treat me equally. I'll bend over backwards if you give too. Even the smallest thing. Let me in.

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