I feel sort of hollow. it's kinda of strange in that i never expected it, and i realize it is another spectrum i never thought could exist. even though I avoided the gamble it seems I still lost. i dont know where i stand now, i dont think there really is anywhere to stand really. no where that is level and the horizon definite and the path clear as water. the door slammed shut, without even a glow from underneath.

i dont really understand what my problem is and thats why i cant really fix it. I dont know why its not there, and i cant find it no matter how hard i search. and its the strangest thing to see someone so sad, all of it my doing. i have tried so hard to avoid such things, and on accident i stumbled upon it and i feel like my arms are loosing thier strength. it's like a cousin to depression. a strange little cousin, the quiet one. it's amazing how much things change....i wonder why i was so blind to think it wouldnt just by saying no. but i was blinded by my opitmism. and its done something horrible in the end. and i feel like everyone is now pulled in. and i didnt want that. i didnt even think of that. why is it that i keep ruining good things? why do i keep failing?

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They tell me they love me, and it does not do anything to me. That is disgustingly sad.

Partly I believe it is because of Colin for many reasons. If I met someone I would probably break and then that would be it. I would either die because I would realize he’s the first and only person I’ll love because I cant see it any other way, or I would push through it and realize there is someone else. FINALLY LET GO. Because there has to be right? He can’t be it right? He can’t be the last person? Maybe I should discuss this and get some reassurance- a knock on the head.

Even though Colin defines SCHMOE there were some qualities that he had, that no one I have ever met had. They’re inexplicable things that I cannot write down cause they would make no sense to me later anyway. But these things are the things I fell in love with, and the things I have not found in any other place. These are the things i am attracted to i have discovered.

I feel like my efforts, my new found keys are not going unnoticed; they just aren’t unlocking the right chests. IF IT'S NOT THERE, THEN ITS NOT THERE right? I guess for Colin, whatever he felt for me, if anything, just DROPPED. If that "entity attraction" is not there, then there is no forcing it. Becuase its just based on a lie and it wouldnt be fair to either person. So Colin stopped something that was not what he wanted, and tonight i stopped something before it started, to salvage friendship, which i gambled and lost with colin.

Yet why do i feel i am being so selfish? In both situations I am being selfish. I'm not okay with Colin and someone else-but if there were someone else for me I know that’s the only time I might be able to let go of him, because I would get so caught up. And then in the other situation there is this someone else, and it does nothing for me. In this person I do not see those certain things I randomly found in Colin and the relationship in general. It’s no one’s fault, its just how things turned out. SAD.

But now I am going to have to suffer this tunnel vision. Am not going to be able to love anyone else or even try to until I meet someone with these ways that I love?

A NARROW_MINDED way of searching out people. Now i'm blind and untouched by anyone else’s other qualities or advances so far. Tonight i have just put one down- But it was never there in the first place. I have always looked and tried to see it with every potential. But when I imagine what it would be like with them- I can’t. Nothings clicks. Tis not the same as what I see when I think about it with someone I’m attracted to. Sigh. It makes me so very sad and frustrated with myself that the click is not there...

I’ve never been in these sorts of situations till this year and they are changing me. I can feel it even now. Everything’s different from the last past years of my life. I never knew I could make someone feel a certain way by just being me. JEEZ what did I do? All I’ve ever been was downright honest and be me with this person. I guess I’m not that bad then eh? So I should stop putting on a show for other boys I meet? Actually now that I think about it because the narrow-minded attraction

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I am receiving an award. It’s the “Achievement in Disappointing” award.

I am beginning to wonder if I should cut myself off completely from my parents. I wonder if that would relieve something. I love them dearly, but I can’t be with them, I can’t rely on them any more its only setting me back. Am I being too drastic? Maybe it’s the fact that I can hardly stand to let them do things for me anymore because I have failed so miserably this past semester academically. It seems that’s all they want sometimes, and for good reasons.

In other fields of my life I sprang forward just as I have always wanted, and grew cynical and evil in some respects recently like aftershocks. But that is something I should not worry about right now.

Right now I am worried about how I will get from point A to point B with $30 in my pocket and $80 in the bank. Why didn’t I start sooner? Why didn’t I apply myself to fucking life sooner? Why can’t we all live in damn trees and eat pineapples all day in the sunshine. That is always what I say, and it is the symbol of my laziness, pineapples and sunshine. Today I can feel my stomach. Today I can feel my shoulders tense and that weird wraith like feeling is creeping through them. Why haven’t I looked for a job sooner? Why cant I get my act together still, and show everyone that I can take care of myself and do well? Why do I write this shit instead of doing it? I think by writing I am relieving myself and that is a good thing, but I’m letting myself off the hook. I have more to say about this but alas I must go and speak with my father about this whole thing.

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So I went to Venice beach today, I guess that’s something to write about. There's so many people infesting the beaches here, and the heat was sweltering. But I'm getting a sandal tan, my favorite kind.

You know when you get pictures back and you say to yourself "Is that what I look like?" That happened to me today.

Also I was sent to buy fish food for the pond, and in the store I wandered around looking at all the tanks. I knelt down to look at what must have been a Garibaldi. It stared me down. Its forehead jutted, out and mouth opened and closed grossly. It just sort of floated there like an orange astronaut in space. It’s eyes were dead to me, if you asked me what it was thinking I wouldn’t be able to tell you, because that’s the sort of eyes fish have. Cold marbles. Anyway it got me thinking I suppose about eyes in general and how much they can tell about a person. What they are thinking, if they are lying, if they’re flirting, if they’re nervous. I find I am usually enamored with people’s eyes and I think it’s the cause of a lot of my attractions to really random peoples. I wonder sometimes what my eyes are doing-who they are flagging down or shooing away. A lot of people have told me I express a great deal of emotion on my face, and my eyes are like the centerpiece. Generally I’ve been told I look anxious, insane or pissed off. I suppose I scare a lot of people away then. Although recently, having moved to northern California my facial expressions have softened. I can tell because I find my self-walking around smiling. It’s because everyone’s so damn nice up there. Everyone’s hello-grin whats up-grin. I swear if you smiled at some schmoe down here you get nothing but snooty surprised looks. I guess it suits the city well. Its so sprawled and things are so distant from each other, its only natural for its occupants to be the same way.

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no can do.

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i have been attempting postage all week, and it seems ive failed. i wonder why that is. i feel like everything i have written is kinda mundane, "already said type stuff." i guess i need something to shake my shoulders and throw me down, or touch my cheek and drag me from the mezzanine. i wonder if LA does that to a person, i wonder if am beginning to realize why i was stifled here in the first place, why i wanted to leave. and still why i do love it and i can always come back here and "know the ropes".

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Drop me off here on this perfect set of three. I have three wishes, more then three fates and three pearls that keep my head on.

The lighting in my room is grapefruit pink, the window lets in the southern California quiet. This is not really quiet I decide- there’s an unnatural hum.

All I can think about are the northern California beaches. All I can think about are the comfortable silences. All I can think about is how wrong this place looks without a certain someone, it’s like I am looking at an unfinished painting, like all the shadings missing. I am borderline actually sitting down and counting the days till I can see the people that matter most to me. Some it’s a few weeks, others a few months.

It’s amazing how much you realize people mean to you when they are no longer around, and the anticipation of seeing them keeps building and building till the pile gets so big you forget what you are looking at and you just keep going on.

I am worried that I have lost something in this fist year, that I am unintentionally endangering things that are very dear to me. Distance and time mix together like water and water and allow for change. It’s nearly unstoppable unless you move back to where you were, back to the previous home. And by then it could be too late anyway. It’s a risk, a horrible risk and the consequences dilute things, cause you to say “the good old times”. I have had two homes now, my house in LA, and the dorms in Humboldt. With each of these comes a set of the good old times that will never be again. That is the worst part about it all. It’s hard to say that it’s not inescapable unless you just chain yourself to one place, which nothing allows you to do, especially yourself. It’s hard to say it wont change because it’s a lie. And more then ever I am living. Humboldt let me live. I know it sounds horrible, that I am turning my back on LA. I wish I could say I wasn’t stifled here, But when I went away I grew up I suppose and I'm better for it. I don’t know where I’ll end up but can honestly say I'm genuinely happy in general. I did have some rough spots this past semester but I'm better for it, I wanted it so that I knew I was feeling something. And now I know I am capable of things. Makes one wonder what else they can do. How far they can go. I need that. I need to be able to do things on my own. The goal in the end is independence.

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This is the first time ive been able to post in days. and now im home, i was hoping i could post one more time from my desk in my dorm room, but ill never be there again, wont be able to look out the window at the quad anymore. we shoved everyhting in to my volvo, stored somethings and head off along the 299. when i got home i had aches and pains and sore brains from the stress of the week. when i lay down my eyes were wide and i was painicky about everything. i found myself missing people that i didnt want to miss in that way. i woke up and showered and thank god its sunny or else i think i would have had a really hard time. i showered and began unpacking and putting things places, but i kept saying that doesnt belong here. and the music, i played music and i was like no this music is humboldt. now i sit here posting think about how long its going to be till late july, how much i cant wait to go back and be back. but everythigns going to be different anyway, we wont all be so close anymore. thank god for heather living with me. cant wait for olga to come, things will settle and ill be so happy everythign will be worth it when i get to hang out with her.

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I went to see the HSU Calypso band saturday night. was one of the best things i have done here. Pulled not so reluctantly to my feet by the sight of a bunch people dancing. the music was excellent and i danced the whole night. i danced with a girl who later told me as she served me dinner in the j that she could sense i was stressed based on my energy ora i that i was unaware existed. i danced with ruby and the girls who all seemed to have the whole latin shuffle down, quite jealous. i danced with emo kid matt, so great. i danced with a couple of older folks. i just let the whole atmosphere envelope me till i was dizzy with confidence. i let loose i suppose and stopped caring about everything and the steel drum was like the boat i was ridining on.

In everything i do i try and see the worst. and then i look for the good. fear is the butter i coat everything with before it has even begun to manifest itself. my mum comes tomorrow. driving up in my car which i am excited to drive about humbolt in. i dont want to see my mother only becuase i know once i do, it will settle that i am actually leaving. that i will be in a dangerous state of returning back to some form of what i used to be. but there i go again spreading lashings and lashings of butter. really you are moving forward all the time. and now that i think about it seriously, i know that i will never go back. ive come so far with everyone and everythign old and new.
so at home i will have brought with me a chaotic entourage of the things i have picked up and just stuffed into a sack, still to be dumped out and sorted. if i ever oranize these things i might find the meaning of life. just kidding we all know the meaning of life is 42. but really i might just figure out what i learned this year. what i am still gonna keep building and tearing down over the rest of my life. but that current will always be there, underneath everything, and everday new boats are finding it and joining the old to create this massive fleet of ships that is the real me, that never changes.

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Through the Wheat

Through the Wheat
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

Just been day dreaming lately, and it seems this image keeps flooding me. Hand trailing in the wheat. Silence except for the wind in the tall grass.

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thought i would make a few lists
stuff to be excited about
1) school ending
2) going home
3) seeing my friends, family and beck
4) riding my bike on the beach
5) hiking in the santa monica mountains
6) eating at all my old places
7) getting a job
8) driving my car
9) august 1st and all my friends coming to stay with us

stuff im not so excited about
1) school ending
2) going home
3) getting a job
4) finishing with not so hot grades....
5) missing my friends, and my new home
6) stressing about apartment and expenses

im sure theres more things i could list. but those seem to be the things going through my mind right now. how much im going to to miss this place the people and the funny times. how much i find im longing for the old more and more to go with the new stuff like milk and cookies. im excited to realize i can have both.

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