I hate that I'm almost crying. I hate that I can't sleep. I hate that nothing is helping. I hate WoW. I hate 700 miles. I hate Magisters Terrace. I hate that I suck at it, and will never improve. I hate the sucky ass stuff I am stuck doing because I suck. I hate that Olga is away. I hate that I have no money or job. I hate that I'm scared and sad and jealous and bitterly lonely. I hate that I feel so lonely because of these things. I hate my lack of human contact. I hate my cave. I hate the cartography lab. I hate cloudless freezing cold days. I hate that I'm not interesting. I hate that I feel like I'm second, but I'm not. I hate that that is just the way things work.

Read more...

On a separate but related note... I would like to talk about what happened in Vegas, I mean I've written a lot about it, but nothing to sum it up. Mostly, like I said, I reverted to this inward childish freak. I think last semester I was so high strung, so freaking crazy, that this semester I've gone along a completely opposite route, that of complete apathy. It's weird. I can't.
I can't find my enthusiasm. And maybe it's just been so long since I went anywhere for fun...that I really just don't know what I'm supposed to do when I travel. I've only been places with my parents, and friends, and that was years ago it seems, when everything was planned out by an adult, when I was underage. Then I came to school. Never able to save enough money to do it, but always been jealous of all these resourceful kids going places. Seeing the hundreds and hundreds of slides from my professors, my entire major, revolves around landscapes, and going places. But when I did it, and with someone totally more applicable to these situations, the kind of person I left James to find, I screwed up. What happened? Have I been lying to myself all these years? Or is it that I'm rusty, or nooby? Is it that Vegas didn't do it for me at first? Is everything I've based my life around, false? I do know the Hoover dam was intriguing, and I thoroughly enjoyed that, I suppose thats what I'm most interested in, how the landscape was affected/history/people etc. God if only there were a job, that didn't include writing analytical papers on that kinda shite, I would be set. I loved being there with Jordan, mostly because he never wanted to stop. I was the one who ruined it. If I travel to some other country, will I just sit in the hostel? What I see happening, is looking up shit I want to do/see both for fun and knowledge in the places I visit, having a saved set of travel money to spend. I think those two things would probably help.
But now I'm going through all this self doubt. Bah...stupid ass blank wall...

Read more...

Unfortunately, no matter how great going home, and being around Jordan was for spring break, it cost $700. $400 of which was spent on car related things such as gas, tires, services. I keep looking ahead to the summer these days, and realizing how shitty its going to be.

It's not likely I'll get a well paying job, even though I'll have a degree...I just feel it in my bones, that I've not had enough outside of academic experience to really guarantee me a job in anything related to geography. In order to save money, I'll have to work two shitty jobs.

Gas prices will only go up, and a Volvo is literally the most impractical car in regards to that. If I sell the Volvo, then I'll be limited to where I can work, based on bus routes.

I'll be living with my mother again, which I already know will lead to tension, and eventually I'll want to kill myself.

Ultimately all these things lead to a few truths. I won't be able to see Jordan when I want to; work, lack of transport and money will probably get in the way. I'll save money, perhaps travel even (which is my short term goal: graduate, work, save, go some place for a long time. if he wanted to, I would love for Jordan to come with me, but what if that doesn't happen. what if I screwed that up with my failures in LV?), but when I come back from traveling, I'll be back in the exact same place. I just wasted four years of my life, and now have no security after May 17th.

Read more...

I had to be a little bit loose at first, but the response wasn't what I expected, in fact it turned out to be exactly what I wanted though. It was perfect in that it was exactly what it needed to be.

For me the week right after is the most painful. Because I am so suddenly deprived of it. Then I eventually get used to it, and readjust in to long distance mode. Waiting out the lonely days, with a strange sense of limbo, like I'm suspended between my old life in Humboldt, and my newish life in SoCal. I can't really be in either place fully, plus I don't really want to accept Humboldt back, mostly because its all so deeply rooted with the life I had with James here, which I no longer care for. So I'm not so productively waiting... All though I've been sick as hell, I suppose that is an excuse for not getting on top of my shite. I've never seen so much mucus in my life.

Anyway, going back to the issue of "missing", I always go through a stage of regret right after I leave. That I didn't do something. Could be related to the sex, could be related to the kissing, could be anything really. I usually promise myself, when I head down, oh just fucking do this, he'll like it, stop being a pussy. And then when I get down there, I don't. I know it's cause I'm scared of rejection. That what I do will be "freakish". It's beyond silly, and I'm not sure why my self confidence has gone out the window.

Tonight I'm facing both things, that regret and utter loneliness at sudden separation. I miss him so much. I wish I could appreciate him more when I am in SoCal, I don't know why I've become so guarded and distant towards people. I guess thats what happens, you just loose the capability of letting go and letting in.

This is a quiz I took...its freakishly dead on...
How Sexually Adventurous Are You?
Your Results:
A Little Bit Curious
You're intrigued by the idea of experimenting, but something holds you back. Maybe you think nice girls don't do naughty things or that you're not sexy enough to have “really sexy sex.” Or maybe you're worried that your partner might think you're a freak. It's OK to have some doubts or concerns. But keep in mind that nice girls do have fabulously naughty sex. Your partner certainly thinks you're sexy enough, and chances are he'd love to experiment because you'd be doing it together. Test the waters by sharing one of your favorite fantasies with your partner, and suggest acting it out. Feeling tongue-tied? Reading some erotic bedtime tales together, like Alison Tyler's Naughty Stories from A to Z, can certainly help get things started.

Read more...

Interestingly enough I forgot it was my birthday until I looked at the date on my laptop, and thought curiously to myself "that date is familiar". Anyway I think I was a little more then distracted by two dreams I had, which at the time of dreaming and right after waking, I thought were extremely real. I'll delve into those in a while, but first I visited the posts from around my birthdays in the past, where I usually wrote a wee summary of stuff that had happened to me. This time I read them, and was even more shaken. You see last year around this time, I began to have dreams that felt so strangely real and so terrible. And last night, after all that writing, and all those mixed rambles of desperateness, I had two dreams which were deeply intertwined with my subconscious, just the same way. However the content was different, in fact very different, and last year the dreams made me move forward, the dream woke the little voice in my head that led me to the break up and through it. These dreams last night have not made me feel like I need to act, but rather brought me to be curiously aware of what might be troubling me deep in my subconscious.

Because I am so embarrassed about the dreams, and what I think they may mean, I would rather just procrastinate talking about them for the moment, and write the "wee birthday summary" instead. A lot has happened to me, in terms of how I've changed. Like I said I feel like a bare wall. I went from having burnt out mediocre love for James, which I ended on three principles, (1. not wanting t be married at 21 2. wondering what I was missing with other boys 3. different goals and life wants at the time), to single for a few months in the summer, when I do believe I was not worried or anxious, to meeting Jordan and having a blast, to rearranging my entire thought process in relationships, to being freakishly depressed, to being subtly in love, to waiting. When I say waiting, I realize I have become a bare wall, I'm past confusion and into the phase of just waiting till I am properly and more permanently living within a reasonable distance of Jordan. But also I have learned so much about myself through this new relationship, how much angst and self-doubt I have, how I have to let go of my expectations in order to live the life that is waiting for me. I went from being a controlling person, to a submissive one. Hmm what else? So much…

Anyway as for those dreams, both focused around two people I have either never met or only spoken single sentences to. Both dreams are vague, but I think that the failure to remember any linear story line is irrelevant to the context and feeling I got after. The first was about Jordan’s girl who “got away”. I was looking up Julianne Hough from dancing with the stars last night, someone Jordan found to be attractive, but in my dream Julianne Hough was this mystery red head, I have never met, nor really thought much about. Either way in the dream, there were scenes of him being completely smitten, swaggering this way and that smiling dizzily when she was present? It confused the shit out of me. Like I said I don’t remember any linear story, just these strange images. The second dream consisted of me being friends with James’ new girl friend Jenn. At first she was cold towards me, as she is in real life, then she was driving a car and smiling at jokes I was making, then we went to her families house and sat around laughing, and by the end there was no animosity. Neither James nor Jordan was present in this dream, I do remember Justin sitting around and Cooper, but that’s about it. As for what these dreams mean I have no idea. Especially the Jenn one, I think mostly I am just so sad that she hates me with reverent passion, even though I have not spoken to her, and literally speak to James only in class. For some reason the thought of people being upset with me, crushes me, even if it’s someone I don’t really care about. As for the “girl that got away” dream, I can only think that this is my subconscious telling me I am actually worried that Jordan would pick someone over me, based on all my short comings. Meaning that if he found someone less dumb and more his type he would go for it. I have absolutely nothing to back this up. I’ve obviously developed this psychosis around the “swinging” scenario, or the point out attractive girls activity.

However like I said neither of these two dreams have turned on some sort of voice, like ones around my last birthday. In fact I’m actually quite calm, having written them out. I don’t even feel like it’s important enough to bring up with Jordan, or to discuss because I have no evidence, and in the end I’m generally always wrong about what he is thinking. Perhaps I’m also a little pleased, but maybe more surprised at the amount of birthday wishes I have received. Not from anyone close except Jordan and obligated family calls, but rather from people I haven’t talk to in years. James’s mother called me even. It’s amazing also that all I want to do is sit down and write, and post. I like can’t stop doing it. I keep thinking of more I want to say and write. I still want to write about my spring break, and first vacation trip in four years to Las Vegas, which I wanted to mention, and analyze. And along with that, how myself might thwart my goals of travel before they have even begun. I could also go on and on about Jordan, and me for some reason it’s like I can’t turn off my thoughts that I want to convey.

Read more...

This maybe a blog first, but I do believe that about 65% of what I have just posted, is invalid. Well in a sense. I have not followed a path of logical reasoning to get to any of my conclusions. Mostly I wrote on impulse, as I think on impulse, based on emotional feelings. I reread it and I feel childish, and even more unappreciative then I did prior. It's not that I'm not in love with him, and it's not that I doubt that he is in love with me, these two things I know to be true facts. But it's like I can never be satisfied, and I can never take the first steps to getting what I want out of the relationship, I always have to wait around from the other person to do it on their own. Then, when they do, I fail at showing them how much it means to me, as a positive reinforcement, because (this is true) my enthusiasm and appreciation knob is broken. So I rant about it, childishly, like a pre-teen romantic emotional fuck wit. I do feel like a striped wall in that sense, that I used to be semi-normal, but something broke me. I think also, I'm scared of being laughed at and judged, because I already am, meaning my clothes, and failure to be hot and sexy in the conventional sense, that I don't know how to talk to dirty, that I don't want to look like a generic whore, that I'm not a full fledged video game nerd, that thousands of dumb mistakes, (like blowing out tires), etc. All the things I know are turn offs, for him, that are just who I am as a person. Those things can't really be changed, without a huge overhaul of my entire self. And I wonder, I desperately wonder what the things are besides being honest, that make me even remotely love worthy in his eyes. Maybe I'm just so blinded by worrying so much, that I keep stumbling over the gems that are there, such as taking me to Vegas, tickles, and funny voices. Even now when I think of those things I am smiling. I keep trying to think logically why I'm so retarded, and I can't even find the first stepping stone to that line of thought. I know ultimately I want to please him, I want to do all that I can for him to be happy, but I'm obviously failing miserably in figuring out how to do that on my own. I probably could spew out a lot more, but considering tomorrow, I have to post my annual "birthday recap post", I'm sure lots more will come up.

Still I know that I love him, and that I'm actually quite happy, just being Cait and worrying about everything, because I like making people happy. "I know in this moment, I was to cuddle up in the nook of his arm, hold him super tightly, and say all the things I love about him to his face." that statement is still true. And now crawling into bed finally, thats all I want.

Read more...

Here is the worst part. It sneaks up on me, there’s no descent, and it’s a sudden drop.

I got back here, and eerily the smell of my house, the smell I hate, felt comforting for a few minutes. But when I looked in the mirror, there it was staring at me, and I knew why it had appeared and I mentally slapped myself, as I had the whole day. Suddenly I realized that I might be holding back, and I couldn’t figure out where the plug was to let it out. I had the strangest sensation I wasn’t looking at myself, but I had been removed and was sitting beside this person as they gazed that the red face. The reflection looked at me, with angry fists it beat at the glass, screaming, but I couldn’t hear anything. Yet I knew what it wanted; I could feel it tying my bones together. I wanted all his affection all at once, and I had never felt that about him prior. Before it was a strange feeling of confusion, about why it wasn’t happening on it’s own. But now I was angry, angry that I had to be standing at this place in line, after he had become hardened and shielded. I wanted to say let me in, do that for me and I will die. But I realized I had become closed off too. Suddenly I realized I was terrified of myself sounding romantically helpless. But I wanted that sweetness so badly. I get a version of it, a very meaningful version. But for some reason, as I have discovered, I have lost touch with my ability to show enthusiasm or appreciation. Anna asked me, when the last time I felt enthusiastic or excited. I replied, genuinely and on the extreme fringe of the spectrum when I was blinded and dizzy by emotions, was when James came to live with me and it was quite similar too when Jordan and I were talking on line the first few days, it rumbled deep within me, shooting out sparks of excitement about new things to come. But I’ve been stripped bare at some point and I didn’t notice. It’s like I’m a wall in a recently vacated house. No more pictures, my memories; no more bookshelves, my knowledge, and finally scratched the paint, my skin right off. Now I’m barren and shabby looking, plain and boring. In fact anytime anyone looks at me, they have a hard time seeing what could be worth it, resulting in them becoming rightfully frustrated and hurt. That in turn tears me up, because it is so far from the truth. The strange thing is, like I said, I feel like I’m holding back, like I have the capability to burst from my wooden frames, with fiery emotion and passion. More then tickles and cuddles and occasional kisses, and soft gorgeously surprising spoken words, I want it all the time, for him to be completely crazy about me, the way he might have been with whoever was first. It’s a freaky sounding thing to say, but I don’t mean it in an obsessive way, I mean it in a romantic first time way that can never happen again. We’re both hardened it seems, so changed, and it gives me an old feeling in my belly. And I know it can never happen the way it did first, but there has to be some sort of second chance version. Maybe he’s had it already with the various prior people, but this is my second time, so maybe that’s why my reflection was so angry. But now it’s quite chained up, rusting in it’s own wetness, leaning its forehead on the glass. Now back to being 700 miles apart till at least may 15, does not allow for any sort of intervention on my part. I know in this moment, I was to cuddle up in the nook of his arm, hold him super tightly, and say all the things I love about him to his face.

Some versuses from Dire Straights’ Romeo and Juliet song

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
and I bet and you exploded in my heart
and I forget I forget the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
you said I love you like the stars above I'll love you till I die
there's a place for us you know the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?

Read more...

Sometimes I wonder if people actually think I'm stupid, like all the silly mistakes add up to me being thought of as dumb. I don't know, does it really seem like I'm that stupid? Maybe it's because the only venues of "smartness" I am evaluate is a video game. Another reason I need to give it up. It would probably eliminate about 40% of my silly mistakes and chances to space out. Oh well.

I have more to write about stuff...but alas Surficial Landforms and Processes, calls me to a crumby desk seat.

Read more...

After all the years I have said NO...jeezes it's like Humboldt is kicking me around in its muddy puddles. Either way, I have always said NO because I knew if I said yes a number of things could happen, and of course I did not want to take those risks, for four years now. Either way last night, on my own, without the peer pressure of anyone, I picked up an unlabeled cookie and ate the damn thing. I let my guard down on this one cookie, purely because I was not thinking. It did taste funny, but I knew they had to be some weird Vegan recipe that only Maddy would make. Either way at first when it started to hit me, I thought I was having a seizure or something. My brains seemed to be floating up through the top of my skull. I couldn't focus on killing in WoW. I kept just seeing things running around, but not being able to do anything about it. I grew dizzy and lay down. Then suddenly realized what might be happening to me, carefully walking to the kitchen I read the package and the notes inside, and sure enough in horrible hand writing "special" was scribbled. Practically crying now, I slunk back to my room, feeling embarrassed and guilty. I was so paranoid that Jordan would hate me, would judge me, would think I was making the whole thing up. I couldn't talk on vent to him, I was so scared he would be like, ew get away from me. It was the strangest fear I ever had. It scared me. Then I would start laughing, hysterically, I couldn't calm myself down. I think that's what I disliked most, I was not in control. Frantically trying to type, I kept saying I was sorry, kept telling him not to judge me, asking how I could stop it, should I throw up? Finally he said watch a movie, and that's what I did. I watched the birdcage, or rather parts of it, it seemed I kept spacing out, and I would forget what scene I just watched, or I would get angry and say that scene is not supposed to be there right now! It was horrible, I grew tired finally, and I buried myself in my blankets. At one point I had sent Aleisha a text message, asking what I should do. She laughed and said I should try drawing. Unfortunately that was not the fix I wanted. Jordan sent one asking if I was alive. I responded, yes I'm hiding, and some more nonsense about being sorry. Then late I sent one saying, I love you. But I wanted to add, I would never consciously do anything to jeopardize this. It was an accident, Please believe me, I don't do drugs, I'm not making this up. Luckily I passed out. But I slept lightly, anytime there was a noise in the house, I woke up. Later at 5:45 I got up to go to the bathroom, completely disoriented, I kept saying I need to send him an email right now.

It was the most horrible experience of my life. I hated the way I felt, absolutely hated it. I was so glad to have said NO all those previous times. The lack of control, the disorientation, the embarrassment, the guilt, all of it didn't seem worth it, or enjoyable on any level. I wondered if I had had this experience as a freshmen, how many people would laugh at me, how horrible it would have been. How easily that first time could turn into many and eventually I wouldn't have the noob symptoms. Guh! I feel so stupid. I mean looking back on it, I should be laughing. But I'm not, it was terrible. I feel like Humboldt wasn't going to let me go without it having happened either. I've turned my back on this place, and it kicked me in the ass.

Read more...

(warning past paragraph two, my thoughts are rambles)

Last night at around midnight, I had so much to write, but I had to force myself to sleep due to an exam this morning at 8. However that never works anyways, and I either dreamed I was awake for four hours or really was lying there, staring at the square of light floating above me. Mostly these days if I have the inclination to write something, it revolves around Jordan, and in order to not bore myself to tears with the same repetitive lovey dovey crap, I generally refrain from posting random scribblings in my journal entry on this thing. But last night, it wasn't really about being in love with him, as much as it was just perceptions I have about our relationship. Why in so many ways, it really doesn't make any sense that we are even together at all, and then in so many other ways we do make a lot of sense together. I don't really want to get into the detailed examples of why this may be. But rather last night in my insomnia I analyzed all the reason that people do and don't work together deeper then just interests and commonalities.

I think also in recent weeks, I have become so suddenly disgusted and confused as to why I dated James in the first place, that this cropped up. Also in our three way discussion with a good friend from WoW believe it or not, I finally put together why the break up went the way it did, and why actually it had to go that way, for my own personal development. Ultimately I was terrified. I couldn't abide by the thought that I would suddenly be ultimately alone, even though I knew that it needed to be happening. So I let us off easy. Slowly cutting him out, till this past winter break noticing that he wasn't even a consideration in my mind anymore, and that Jordan and suddenly stepped fully on the trail before. But I had no prior relationship experience to really deal with the break up any other way. Everything I was supposed to fumble with in High School I missed out on, and so in a rush of three years of my life, I did everything I was supposed to do in a series of dorky teenage relationships with James. Now I move forward having come out of that with a whirling head of craziness, eventually leading to my depressed lunatic state last semester. Honestly I don't really see how Jordan can stand me.

This is another topic of analysis, that last semester plagued me more then it does now. I don't really see what Jordan sees in me, if that makes any sense. I think it maybe that I just can't pick up on it, and for a long time I was completely distraught and couldn't accept that he did for some reason. Then when I finally became "normal" and my heart and mind finally let go, and I fell into him, it didn't really matter why. And even now I am still falling, and not anxious about the reasons. But generally I am curious, and always wondering what other people think of me. Why do people like me? I don't really seem to be able to key into my qualities. It would be interesting to know what he thought of me. However Jordan isn't the type of person to answer that question flat out. He would either answer with a sarcastic quip, or a question about why I was asking, or half heartedly answer in a way that would make me feel dumb. I would have to figure out some way to reach him in Jordan world, which is half the fun. Mostly it doesn't really matter on the grand scale of things, and since I know this, I have not made a retard of myself by asking and working myself in an anxious frenzy, which truly shows how content I am, and that this is more of a curiosity.

I could literally go on and on about the dynamics of me and the people around me, but I'll stop for now.

Read more...