Turmoil. I am so unhappy, so completely lost, it's quiet, above all lonely, desperate, I'm grasping for the impossible.

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First of all, a random rambling of basic rushing thoughts:
Lonesomeness is something I had not really anticipated in coming back to school. I thought I was prepared to be independent wielding a sword of self-confidence in all that I do. Rather I’ve been thrust into some deep unapproachable place. I hide away in the fleece blanket I’ve been loaned watching as Morton tears his hair out in anxiety-ridden dilemmas because of his attachments. I’m not ripping my hair out. I’m pulling away from myself. Every night I fall asleep feeling that heavy weight pressing on my chest, or like my arms are being pulled away into rivers flowing into distant valleys of solitude. Not a happy solitude. Then there’s the whole other issue of how long can I go on like this, and is the thing I’m missing even a thing at all? Will it even be there the way I can’t even imagine it to be? It’s like I’m holding on to something that hasn’t even been whispered yet. What kind of attachment is this? Guh if that one sentence was uttered how would I respond, would it automatically fling me into a pool of melted butterscotch? Everyday waiting for a voice spoken, but never seen. Would it even last?

“Well, bottom line to it all, I want you, I don’t know where/what/how it'll work now and later
But I still want it, I’m and happy to get whatever is given”
Sometimes I have to reread the conversations so I don’t get off my track, so I can maintain what I have without pushing it away so I don’t “miss my chance” either.
The things I like most I think are the honesty of his sole. Even if he’s wrong in mind his belief in it, makes me realize how logical and in tune with himself he is. It’s refreshing, to have a person of security in themselves. It’s a quality I could never have with James due to our lack of experience and years. Of course there’re the physical behavioral attractions, which can draw me in, if that bridge, were crossed (they already do). But this one characteristic I find the most appealing. He does what he wants to do for himself, and defends his heart from things, but does not shut it down either. I think the communication is what makes us click the most, and I know that in anyone I have relations with, if that factor is not there, I cannot maintain any type of relationship with them at all. I also know that I like the constant social connection with people, more then I thought I did. I enjoy hours of the same person, building up something between us. I can go days with them, being around them. We don’t even have to be talking, but experiencing the same comfort, energy and silence is something I find to be at the bottom of a lot of things I’m dealing with right now. It’s like Morton, he is so obsessively attached and he doesn’t even know the reason for it. Unfortunately dogs can’t talk steps back, read important things, and get a grasp on ones life. I being human know that that constant company of people is something I cannot deny any longer, I need it, and I miss this summers social structure that provided me with that. Yet all these discoveries about myself lead me to know conclusion to actively seek out the things I crave. As a result I grow timid and inward, retreating to the shyness I knew once so well. I can’t even reach out to the person I want to. School disinterests me, activities disinterest me. If I could have one wish now, it would be me on a tropical island, eating apples and drinking beer with those close friends and person whom I crave so much.

Oh Morton I wish for you a peace that I know I could achieve if I just put things down and stopped analyzing over and over. Instead just live, just live…things happen, and wherever your life goes is where you are supposed to be.

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The Shins - Pink Bullets

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
you held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
oh what a contrast you were
to the brutes in the halls
my timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
tied to a brick
sweet as a song
the years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
we fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
when our kite lines first crossed
we tied them into knots
and to finally fly apart
we had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
you understand less as the pages turn
or a movie so crass
and awkardly cast
that even I could be the star.

I don't look back much as a rule
and all this way before murder was cool
but your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
warm light on a winters day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
tied to a brick
sweet as a song
the years have seemed short but the days go slowly by
two loose kites falling from the sky
drawn to the ground and an end to flight.

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When I think about all the stuff that has been happening to me since April, I come to one conclusion, which is, nothing is ever so bad you can’t handle it. Having said that there are amazingly good things that are happening at the same time as awful coincidences and loss in general. Almost ever negative thing has a positive side, a way to grow into something good for the future.

Positive:
Having sex this summer
Getting what I wanted this summer
Experiences
Flirting
Chased by boys
Going with the flow of things
Leaving sex buddy, experienced confident and validated
Never getting overly depressed
Red hair
Playing WoW again
Being in Humboldt
Not stressing
The Humboldt sky
Still able to cope with being around the ex after all the crap

Negative:
Leaving the sex buddy, a good friend, and missing it too much
Losing my favorite glasses and my moms digital camera
Chased by sleezy boys
Bad timing
Totaling my beloved Volvo
No place to live
Kicked off couch surfing couches
Whiplash and bruises
Playing WoW again
Leaving LA
Stuck with ex-boyfriends

I’ve probably missed a bunch, but these are the things whirring around my head.

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What happened to me in the month of July you may be wondering?

I found out that the true nature of people could sometimes be surprising. Sometimes it’s a wonderful surprise, sometimes its down right shocking. Sometimes they even startle themselves, it’s like looking up and seeing a mirror that you didn’t know was there. Usually I think it’s a learning experience. Many people have past the threshold of what they thought they were capable of this month, including myself. I am engaging in a mutually agreed purely sexual relationship, based on my wishes to experience my life to the fullest. I’m getting all I want from it, and everyday I check in with myself, “are you growing attached Caitlin?” The answer recurs in my mind NO, and then I think well why not? And it seems my thoughts lead me like a string through a narrow corridor to the off button I have recently discovered there. I turned it off it seems in my subconscious, knowing all too well that I have no interest in that type of relationship at the moment in my life. With this person it could only lead to nothing in the end anyways. I realize that the more people I meet the more I understand what I truly want. Also another positive aspect which could sound destructive if taken the wrong way, is the self validation that I am an attractive, likeable young woman, and finally proud and confident enough to say it. I am desired, and I hope to god it doesn’t go to my head, and I can continue to go on oblivious for the most part, but in control of who I can pick and choose from. I also recently attended Comic Con in San Diego and had a freaking blast spending two nights with four boys in a hotel room. The only low point being losing my digital camera. High points included: The Family Guy panel and watching the season premier episode, buying a t-shirt with a Unicorn and a Werewolf about to start a fight, stating “It’s on now!”, pool hopping at another hotel with sex relationship boy, getting drunk at some random ass bar, and being at Comic Con in general. Oh also, impressing four boys with my ability to make tremendous fart noises by forcing air between my hands as I press them over my mouth. It will all be over soon though, heading back north the 13th. I will miss the ability to make a phone call to satisfy my intense sex drive (sorry if that’s an uncomfortable statement, but its true, and I’m proud, and I don’t freaking care what people think), Seeing Anna and Olga, and going to LA bars and night clubs for the first time, Rainbow Acres and all the employees, and so much more.

My one wish for Humboldt is that time will be able to heal the hearts of people, including my own. That my hair will stay red and my tan will last. That I can carry on with my experiences and pursue the people and things I have always wanted there. That I can find a place to live, that I can take with me all the amazing summer memories, good and bad to grow and learn from, so that I can strive to be a better person and help the friends that matter the most to me.

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