All I can remember sometimes are the ways people look at you. Rusty green darts I try to hide from, but i cant and i dont want to. It is funny how you think that’s it, there are no more safe arms to hide in, but they are all around you. It's funny how you have those gut feelings that something is going to happen between people. I am actually one of those people who denies everything and anything when it comes to myself in these sorts of situations. frankly im damn frightened of the consequences most of the time. and im trying so hard to just let it be, to not freak out and worry so much. whatever happens happens, and stuff is happening and im enjoying it more then i thought i would and i realize how freaking lucky i really am, how undeserving and evil i really am.

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I cant believe how fast summer is going, much faster then school. But i feel like the days themselves last more then 24 hours, but somehow i only use four of them to actually sleep. The rest of the time i'm doing things, working, hanging and other stuff...yeah. anyways i find myself sitting at my boss's computer thinking about the arrows i drew all over my foot, and how wierd it was that i feel asleep sitting up and counting pages and pages of the California Practice Guide to make sure i didnt miss any. It's interesting what happens to a body that is ill nourished and sleep deprived. You dont die you just kinda lag around forcing your eyes open becuase if they close your doomed to sleep. and when you do accidenlty fall asleep its so deep that you could be doing anything like flipping pages and you wouldnt know the difference. I've actually never not slept this much in my life. tis rather interesting. after work today i'll be going to do some laps in the pool that should be funny.

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Tom (pompous random dude) "theres a place for good in this world, a place for evil, but there is no place for ignorance."

My dad is standing sort of idley with his beer as we wait for the beef to cook, hes singing to Steeleye Span. I remember this band from when i was little. I can vaguely remember the words, and my dad tries to imitate thier accented voices. hes not doing very well but its funny.

So everyone comes back for the summer and everyone's a horny bastard? lol well thats fine with me.i worry too much, and today i sort of had revelations about life in general. basically how great it is and how im happy all the time now, cept of course when i get sad, but deep down im always good, always happy. Sometimes the sadness or hate or evil or whatever just coats everything, sometimes its so thick you can hardly see through. but its always there like a mountain under snow. solid. i trust in that. I have faith in that, thats what keeps me going. i have faith in myself now, i think it might be a first. i mean i guess to say i know its all going to be alright. i hope im doing things right... but someone recently told me just to follow your gut feeling. and ive been doing that and im standing by it-im going to follow what i feel is right at the time. ill jump, but ill take care, think before i do, listen to my insides. they have led me to this place in my life, and with help from my closest friends ill manage. im having fun and living and enjoying and thats all that matters.

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Zooooooom

Succulents
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

So i havent posted in a while, give me a break will ya. but yeah i havent, started working this week. Pretty boring stuff, not at all what i want to do in my life. but its income, a very welcome one at that. i actually feel like im getting stupider by the day doing 6 hours of tasks i hardly understand. then im out the rest of the afternoon into the night. I havent spoken to my parental unit for more then five minutes a day i think this whole week.
Last night was a much needed let go, splitting a bottle of hobo wine and cheap champaigne with your best friend and getting ass drunk is probably one of the best experiences you can ever have.
I wish i had more intellectual things to post about, but my brains sort of fried, and probably will be the next week or so. I actually had a lot of things i wanted to get out in writing, but ive been so busy with craziness that i havent been able to. hopefully soon....

In the meantimes enjoy this pic i took at the J. Paul Getty Museum, can you believe the colors of these succulents?

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Warmed like hands around a cup of tea.

(The inevitable entry about love and life in general)
This huge painting hangs on my wall, once I wanted it there because it kind of drew your attention away from everything else in the room. It’s called “I used to want, but now I don’t”. I’m scared what the room will look like its gone, Sometimes I suddenly take it down, or it falls off on its own. I always end up hanging it up again after a few minutes. Wanting entails long days of waiting. I remember it was so painful. It kind of drives you crazy, and I don’t know if I am strong enough despite what I say about how far I have come, I don’t know if I am strong enough to defend myself against it, and walk all over it. What you get for it is amazing don’t get me wrong, its just I don’t want to take the risk. Fear of loss of stability, for fear of change, for fear of things that happened happening again, and for fear of loosing. Maybe I have just been injected with this huge shot of patience, of understanding and knowledge and that’s what I am having a hard time grappling with, that I’m not actually afraid. More like I can sit and say when it happens it happens, and everything happens for a reason, or doesn’t for that matter. But if one sits back and lets life live itself then you don’t get anywhere, I suppose you have to take those risks to see if they are meant to happen or not happen and if so what reason caused them. Right now I am so enamored with how great life can be, it’s hard to think what I want to do first. I keep envisioning myself standing in this awesome light with my head thrown back and my eyes shielding something so brilliant it’s hard to stand in its wake. So I am just doing what seems best day by day with some general guidelines for the future with nothing set in stone. I will let my heart tell me what’s right when stuff is happening, no matter how cliché that sounds. But it’s the truth man, and it has been working so far.

(Thoughts on Faith)
I’ve been thinking a lot about faith recently, religion and what kinds of people it produces, who I am with out it. I guess I always thought I was pretty atheist. But sometimes I wonder if things could actually exist the way they do with out someone else’s influences. But at the same time why not? Who’s to say chemicals, hormones, science, and questioning “why” are not all side affects of our brains becoming to complex and advanced for our own good. But why did they do that? Actually recently I have become pretty agnostic. If there is an afterlife or some carrying on of consciousness after death then great, if not then we don’t know the difference anyways. For me it’s more about celebrating what we have now. That should be enough; I mean this life alone is like the greatest gift from wherever and why. I feel like its kind of a waste of precious time worrying about giving thanks on a weekly basis for it. Living a structured, strict and inhibited life because of it. Rather you have to grab everything you can; it’s the only way you’re going to learn. I understand that for some people it’s where they get their strength to go on. Sometimes I wonder if that is the reason I am so hopeless sometimes. But you know what when I was little I used to pray all the time even though some where deep down inside I knew that I didn’t believe in god. But nothing ever happened. I felt like because my prayers were not being answered praying was useless in the long run for atheist or orthodox. Everything is relative, what one person considers a sign could just be a coincidence. Who’s to say the answer you receive is actually the answer or not? I guess I just haven’t had an experience to make me believe otherwise. Don’t get me wrong magnificent things have happened to my friends and me and in the world but I’ve never thought they were related to a God-perhaps though that’s because I was raised atheist though.

Along with being raised atheist comes all of the negative input, which I am sad about. But with anything you learn as you grow you are taught mostly the negative, well in my family that was the general idea. I suppose the idea of people who are deeply religious believing I am going to go to hell because I am not part of their religion is one of the things I do not like most about religion. I do not and have never believed that I am a bad person for not believing in god or following the bible etc. and I will not tolerate anyone who feels that way about me. I think its just plain wrong. I will not give in to people and loose my own principles if a group decides to encroach on me. Having said that it makes me angry that I still sit there and say Jesus freaks. It is not fair. I believe in the Gold Rule (treat others how you want to be treated) and in this situation I break it every time. I want to be tolerant and I am not practicing it. I think also that it is just a part of society unfortunately prejudice lives in us all about everything no matter how tolerant and humane we believe we are. I can’t say accept all people’s faiths when I myself judge people by theirs. But there are some things that I cannot accept churches doing in the name of God. Missionaries have practically wiped out all indigenous cultures and beliefs I think that is wrong. However some have done well too. Some wars are carried out in the name of religion; again I do not like this. Church and state should be separated or equally represented in a country of religious freedoms. I feel when they become close religion is then being forced upon me. I also don’t understand where one draws the line between science and religion. Where does one say okay on this side of the line I am putting all the scientific facts like evolution, the world starting more then what 6000 years ago etc on this side? What is the deciding factor? And how can one believe some science and not others? Now I can understand people who say they believe God or their creator instilled evolution as a mechanism for change that really all science is just his creation, they don’t deny it they just believe there is something behind it

This leads me back to me. What do I believe in? Having taken mythology I feel like I can better judge where all religion came from. It is all so similar to mythology; all of its roots are mythological because the stories in major religions today are the same as they were thousands of years ago. Just now they are written down and people go to worship and fear instead of to learn by word of mouth lessons and things that mythology and folklore provided. I suppose if I am closest to any sort of religious living it would be paganism, because I believe the earth and everything is connected and needs to be protected and worshiped above anything else because its where we live. Whoever made it thank you, everyday I thank you, and I apologize for it not being well taken care of. Having said that I know most people would say “what a tree hugger”. And you know what I am one. I believe in that. I believe in the Earth. And it is true that when I look at it its hard for me to believe there is nothing behind all its beauty. When I look at my friends, when I look at my life it’s hard to believe it is actually in motion with out the influence of some one else as I have said. I feel like the churches could be used for great good, but somewhere along the way people forgot what they were actually going for. With any major organization though there are always faults. I feel also that I do not need a religion to tell me how to live my life and whether I am living it correctly and justly, I should just have the common sense and human decency to do that anyway. Instead of fearing the wrath of god and hell, I like to believe that I am doing something in the meantime to give my thanks to whatever and however we got here. That I am doing something in this lifetime for this life time, for its life here then worrying about how I am going to get into the next life. I have only just realized this within the past few years of my life. And I feel like this is where I am getting my strength; this is my strength and reason to get out of bed. To better myself for others, to betters others for the world. To better the world, make this life good for the next who come.

(I have more to say about this but I don’t think I am ready yet, I don’t think I have lived enough yet, but this begins to illustrate where is stand as of today.)

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I stepped in the hot milk and honey water and tried to sink down as far as I could in it. The tub was too shallow too small for me to go under. But I wanted to so bad, because it’s quiet under there, a cloistered quiet. A strange unfamiliar fear lapped up around my chin. This was not my aim. I sat up a bit. Foam sticking to my body. I reached to turn off the light. Faint and foggy twilight- the steam disrupted the darkness. In the gloom it should have been porcelain cold. I wanted to go to sleep but I knew I would wake up in chilled water- probably white rapids.

Then I drove, I drove all over the city where they say the angels live. I think I have met one or two. Actually you know what it’s safe to say more then a few. I think they are the people with the eyes that you can’t help but look at, and suddenly sometimes you are too afraid to. The ones you find in your pocket, the ones who you cant wait to see-who have gone away soon to return.

I licked my lips and tasted pineapple; I wiped them with the back of my arm. I hadn’t eaten pineapple in days. My hands still faintly smelled of white spruce. I thought about deep woods, deeper then the ocean, the woods of fairytales. I tilted my head to see if maybe I could hear the wind in the wheat, and I could almost hear it whispering something simple and sweet.

On the canals that the Abbot Kinney himself dug from the slime of Venice I was cradled by the bow of a small boat. Christmas lights in June. Warm enough except for the easterly blowing winds. And I thought about how far I have come, how I keep saying how damn far ive come.

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