Blogs and shit

Saturday, February 27, 2010

The "next blog" function is a crappy tool. But this random one I came across was sort of interesting. I especially like the mole with maracas. After a while though, the tool starts to malfunction and does not take you to a 'next blog'. It's lame. I like finding original work by insignificant people like myself. Many consist of weird women, most likely in the Midwest posting pictures of their children. Ew. I think I found someone who is more pessimistic then I am.

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Friday, February 26, 2010

Isolation and self dejection equals anxiety. As soon as I want to be social, there is no medium, or no one, because of all my time being anti-social, or distant. I just want time to hurry up, but to when I have no idea. If the rain would start all ready...

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Ready Now

Thursday, February 25, 2010

By the middle of morning I'd forgotten about it. And now it's just some silly nightmare I had. The idea of it still makes me queasy though. I just hope I didn't freak anyone out too much.

I made it to Friday, and yet still I have to wait.

Austin has moved one step closer, but I'm trying not to think about it.

Reached 300 reviews on yelp.

Wish I had more friends I could see every night, like everyone else seems to have. I don't think I've ever had that. I think it's a failure mostly on my part. I'm always talking about how flaky people are. But ultimately I think I don't let people in, and I'm too judgmental.

Sometimes I think a lot about how much I'm letting people down. Or I'm not what they wish me to be. I don't do what they want me to do, and a lot of time I really wish I could. Sometimes I even try, or plan, and...I just fail.

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Dreaming

When you're in dreamland and you ask yourself, "is this a dream?" and the answer is "I have no idea" it's really scary. That happened to me last night, and needless to say it was during an extremely prolonged scene. During which I felt riddled with guilt and disgust (primarily with myself), and all having to do with sex. Waking up this morning I nearly cried from the relief that it didn't actually happen and that it will never happen. This has nothing to do with the horseback riding guy, in case you were attempting to put two and two together.

I'm not sure if I feel more disgusted because of the person, or because it was a version of me a long time ago who doesn't exist anymore, regardless of the person. Sometimes I wonder if like the moon, I've forgotten a lot of things, or maybe it's because of the forgetting. This might be too intimate to really go on about on a blog, and could have been left for the journal pages, but dreams are powerful things. I don't think they necessarily mean anything, but they can certainly shake you.

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Colts

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

"You say it with such disdain!"
"Yeah..." I say back laughing, because I'm terrible at small talk.

He instructs me to lift my leg onto Grady's shoulder. Oh yeah, I remember that, I think as soon as I do it. He adjusts the worn leather to the right height. My foot does feel more in control now. He walks back to his colt, pulling with all his might on the reins, but the stubborn thing won't move.

"See would you rather do this? Pushing colts around and mucking out stalls?" I laugh again. Later I thought about how I should of said "hell yes" and "how did you get this gig?". He doesn't remind me of a horse man. He's skinny, maybe 5'8, doesn't look strong enough to ride in a certain way, but riding has nothing to do with size. Maybe he just looks small cause his head is too big, maybe his head looks too big because he's got a full dark beard. His sun burned skin makes his blue eyes ridiculously intense, and there's a cigarette tucked behind his ear under his cowboy hat, I never saw him light it.

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Celestial

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Surprise me. Lift me up.
Better yet, help me put them on:
silvery transparent paper thin leaves.

Like an orbiting evil satellite, a thought whooshing around my head, the same one over and over. I swat at it, it keeps circling back. My faith was tested, restored, but now always questioned. But the new foundations hold true, on account of the restoration. It's just on alone nights, that the satellite appears.

Not long ago moons held a special place in my heart. But I've lost touch with it. Different in so many ways, but it happened silently. As I've been waiting patiently, giving all my time to the sun, and submitting to it.

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A few things

Friday, February 19, 2010

-The Olympics are on too late.
-My ass isn't sore from horseback riding anymore, and that's really depressing. I'm already looking into lessons in Austin.
-I'm trying not to think about Austin at all, I'll jinx it if I do. But things happen that bring it to my attention. Like the crazy guy who crashed his plane into a building less then a mile from my where my brother in law works. I still want to move. But yeah, remember what I said about not caring...yes the less I care, the less I try...
-Hummingbirds are amazing. The smallest warm blooded animal, and they migrate the farthest. They can make whistling noises with their feathers by diving at 8Gs.
-Spending the weekend alone, is awkward, strange and uncomfortable. I'm so silly.
-Rain.

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Meant to be

Friday, February 12, 2010

Actually about my last post, I kind of let it get away from me. The first few sentences were meant to be about moving to Austin. But...

I don't know why I was so surprised about this. Coming from KCC...it's not shocking at all. There was a girl who didn't know about the Haiti Earthquake 5 days after it, 'oh yeah wasn't there a hurricane down there or something?". This is the same girl who kept saying immaculate consumption, and really thought that was the right terminology. Her dad gives her $1000 a month just for clothes. Then there are the germophobes who freaked out after I announced all paper plates, plastic cups and knives in the kitchen would be removed, and we would add to the reusable collection we already have. "I don't trust the dishwasher, people are nasty here". Then there's the chick who short circuited the entire room plugging in a space heater when our part of the office is already 80 degrees everyday. There's the guy who thinks global warming is a hoax. Another one who has no conception of volume control and insists on shouting about everything. There are the supervisors who do all but a few hours of work a day, and yell at us for socializing, while they hold up in the back room making jokes about sex. Or the guy who set the kitchen on fire because he put paper in the toaster over. Or the peopel who are engaged after 4 months of dating.

Yes Yes.
It's getting away from me again. Can you blame me though...really? But I suppose it's all related to the samething in a way.

The Austin move is on the brink of happening. Jordan put in for interest to xfer and apply for a position that was opened there. Not the one he wants there, but another very similar opportunity. I could be a Texan within the next two months. I don't feel weird or nervous about saying that. I think that shows how much I've given up on California, or maybe that this year discussion about moving was meant to be.

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Give Up

Thursday, February 11, 2010

In my experience: The less I get excited about something, the more likely it will happen. The more distanced I am from it, the closer it will come to me. How hard I try, has absolutely no affect on the outcome.

I've pretty much given up on humans over the past two or three years, in fact ever since the 2nd election of Bush. Everyday there is more and more confirmation that there are but a handful of people doing something worth while. Now don't get me wrong there are tons of people doing things that better themselves, but very few doing anything for others. Old habits die hard, and the ones that are the easiest are the ones hardest to drop it seems. All of this has to do with my futile efforts as the primary representative of the KCC Green Team for the Mail Center.

People look at me like I'm on crack when I try to explain what can and cannot be recylced, that the myth that the night crews throw all our bins in the same bag is not true (And the times it does happen is because morons are throwing trash in the recycling and its not the custodians job to sort our trash). It's shocking, utterly and completely flooring when you put a blue bin labeled paper products and the louse throws a piece of paper in the garbage can next to it. After countless conversations between us, and no doubt years of recycling education in his grade school...not just he, but everyone in my office operates at the mental capacity of a stubborn 90 year old man with germophobic, self important, laziness with a complete disregard for anything around them. I was so furious, I turned red, as I usually do and thought I was going to punch this person in the face. Let me say, that I would gladly take the write up if anyone decides to report my snide remarks to HR.

Needless to say...I'm generally pessimistic cause there are morons in the world, sooo many morons.

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Today

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I have had the strangest day ever. My emotions jumped from such extreme polar opposites like a crack head playing jump rope. And so the only way I can really express myself is in bullet points.

-You can look but you can't touch.
-Neil Young reminds me of memories I can't place, and for some reason is eerily familiar of dreamland.
-Every time I have to make a new schedule, I almost enter "Off" for the whole week, jump in my car and leave. But it never happens.
-I finally had the "why am I playing this" again feeling about WoW. Finally.
-Why am I paying my mom?
-My skin feels like it's going to shrivel off of me. Or maybe it's just the extreme restlessness I can't seem to stop. Like I'm being tickled by anxiety.
-Suddenly there is absolutely no connection to anyone, or maybe its been that way the whole time. Void of intimacy.
-Run your fingers through my hair please.
-I'm conducting an experiment, and now that I think about it, I should really extend, or in this case retract.
-I have yet to feel like 2010 is going to turn into something other then totally awful.

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More Journal Bits

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

If I could live my life viewing a string of scenic vistas, I'd be happy.

It's blossom season, well in the warmth of California it is. I saw the most glorious blossoming tree in Simi yesterday. It was creamy colored, full and fluffy. It almost looked like it was wrapped in ice cream. All the other trees in the suburban shopping car lot weren't as conspicuous, it was like it knew it was the best, and made every attempt to silently draw the eyes of anyone to it's vain head of flowers.

Today was the first day I missed my hair long.

I figured out why I can't be a writer, because I talk about being a writer.

I feel old.

I'm freaked out by how much I enjoyed playing Kully yesterday. Yet at the same time I realize I never really missed playing her either. It was strange, I really had forgotten so much, but just like riding a bicycle a lot about the actual play came back. Things just happened, and my fingers knew where to click or punch and I fell back into it. It's the knowledge of new content, and what places have this and that I don't remember. But my pathetic Moonkin skills are exactly where I left them.

To take and online class, or not to take an online class. I spend 90% of my time online, yet I still think I'd procrastinate, and never really absorb anything.

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