Please pick up a copy of this months National Geographic. Joel K. Bourne, JR. wrote the feature article 'Redwoods: Super Trees' which follows explorer Mike Fay as his hiked 1,800 miles along the California Coast. The pictures are by Michael Nichols, which I'm sure you've seen even if you don't realize it. They've even talked to an HSU's professor, and Edie Butler who curates the Humboldt Room at the library, an important resource for almost every student at school doing historic or archival research.

Do you remember this post?
Same guys. Mike Fay and Michael Nichols. What I remember most from that presentation was Mike Fay discussing his relocation to Humboldt, making Northern California his permanent home. That he was enchanted with the place. At the end he said something along the lines of, "just try for a minute, just try to imagine what these forests looked like before white men came? They are so special now, but just imagine how much greater they were then". For some reason that really resonated with me. Obviously he made good on his presentation, since he spent the year after this presentation hiking up the redwood coast.

I think article wonderfully simplifies a lot of the history, and it is very accessible and readable. But of course, I always feel like Nat Geo could dedicate an entire issues to some of the things they feature. This barely skims the surface of the region as a whole. But maybe I'm just craving more because it reminds me of being there. I want people to realize the wonder that is the Northwest corner of California. Yet at the same time I don't. I want it to stay remote and a place apart.

Also adding to my extreme heart ache, my longing, my homesickness for a place that was only my home for 4 years, Ken Burn's "The National Park's Americas Best Idea", has been filling my nights with pride and hope for the human race. Even though I wrote that huge detailed negative post about an insiders view, I am glad for the parks. I'm glad that Ken Burns brings to light the people, who are usually few in number, that dedicate their lives to preserving something that no one really cares about. The Nat Geo article does too, looks at Mike Fay and Michael Nichols. Hopefully their passion will resonate with folks, and maybe (the way they did in Africa) they'll help to set aside more protected land. Stating that we own those places collectively is important. Giving people pride in their heritage and country is the best way to inspire care for it too.

All I want to do is drop everything get in my car, and drive the 101, pass all my familiar stops, snake along the Eel, through the redwood curtain, cross the bridge near Scotia and descend into Fortuna, round the bend to smelly old Eureka and curve around the bay to Arcata. I keep imagining that sequence in my head, and my tummy hurts the way it does when I missed my boyfriend.

Read more...

I realize what I wrote about the NPS was an incredibly negative summary. In fact, even at work people are starting to call me "downer Caitlin'. I get into a negative routine for days or weeks at a time. Whether its from self criticism, losing hope in humanity, or everything piling up at once on top of me. I didn't even hear bad news until after I wrote the NPS post, but I was already down. When I got home, I received more billing for my surgery. Of course it pushed me over the edge. This morning, I walked around the corner to get early morning tea, and watched this prick sit in his brand new Mercedes for 30 minutes, with the engine turned on while he talked on his cell phone. No wonder the world is so fucked up.

Anyway, for a long time I think I forgot how to tune in to some things. I had to work very hard to learn how to see them in the first place. To notice the subtleties. But this weekend I suddenly noticed the things only I get to see all over again. The things only I get to hear. And although they're so small, so unnoticeable, they are special to me. Even so it's hard to survive on these things. I'm not sure if the reward is worth the sparsity.

Read more...

The National Parks America's Best Idea airs tomorrow night. As someone who has spent the better part of a year total, doing work for NPS, I'm extremely excited to watch this. Never mind that is also a Ken Burns documentary.

Today was my last real day at the Santa Monica National Recreation Area. When I arrived to drop off various equipment, books and work everyone in the visitor center was a buzz with excitement. They had a little table display with books, the documentary's sound track, and pamphlets. Everyone was so excited. They were even passing out the PBS book marks that apparently if you plant them turn into wildflowers. Of course we discussed this fantastically bad idea, laughing because there is nothing left to do. The whole you know invasive species thing...but apparently PBS didn't really think of that.

Characteristic of my entire experience at NPS, no one really knew who I was, I've had to explain myself 90% of the time I go, since starting. Phil was again late again, today has been one massive reflection and criticism of whats wrong with the park service. Yes on a grand scale, its the 'best idea', but in minute detail, the parks need a massive overhaul. In a time where real estate is the only way to make money, land needs to be preserved and saved quickly. However the parks are bogged down in so much bureaucracy, paper work, and lack of funding as well as staffing, it's virtually impossible to get anything done, let alone preserve more land. And like I said in small scale, there are so many significant problems that add up to massive ones, here are a few:
1) Out dated equipment.
2) Paper work. Federal government = paperwork. Simple as that.
3) Firing. It's virtually impossible to fire anyone, my supervisor being one of them. Maybe back before he was morbidly obese, he might have actually done some work. Currently he works 2/7 days at home because he is too 'ill' to come in. He's the most disorganized employee in the messy head quarters. He should have retired 5 years ago, someone with more energy, updated computer skills, should have taken his place. Part of the reason my internship and resulting part-time employment was a terrible experience, is because he could not supervise the volunteers, interns and temps he had working for him. Half the time he had no idea where anything was on his own desk, never mind his computer.
4) Hiring. Today he shared with spoke about their finally getting to hire a second cultural resources position. Meaning there are 30 biologists at the park, and only one (him) cultural resources employee to do all the work for the park. Two people I've worked with are going for the job, but if a veteran applies (even with a library sciences degree, anthropology degree or any other related work) they have to hire that veteran. Which is absolute nonsense. He told me that when they had a temporary employee position 6 months ago, a virtually illiterate alcoholic veteran was given the job based on these details. AND all of this hiring depends entirely on what the regional office decides, and if there is even any money given to the NPS from the Department of the Interior all the way in Washington.
5) Conflicting State and Federal laws. These are federal lands, within a state, you don't even want to go there.

And these are only a few things that really hinder the National Parks mission.

As far as my own personal experience. It's an extremely mixed one. I could have had the time of my life, but it all relied upon my supervisor. There were no chances to work with other departments in the park, hence the reason no one ever knew who I was. Any time me or any of the other volunteers, interns or part-timers had ideas for projects, they either never got started, or were forgotten by my supervisors memory.
Or there were paper work deadlines always needing to be met, leaving no room for starting new projects, and I was left to do nothing but scan and transcribe my limited hours away. The best times I had were those in the field, the Solstice Canyon tour with Lisa Roberts, and interviewing Charlie Cooke in Acton.

SO as you can see, if this is the situation at parks across the USA, I can't imagine what work could be getting done for parks and is not. What important and brilliant ideas can't get funded. What employees are being hired...who can't get fired. It leaves me with a great fear for the National Park Service. I can't really see it improving, even with Obama in the White House.

But land is land, and if we leave it to itself it will do what it needs to do. Truly the NPS should be considered a steward, and not a conquering controlling force. However with increased population growth, and land grabbing, and invasive species, and stolen water and all the rest, the land is in trouble.

Read more...

For some reason I was inclined to look through old journals. Of course this led me to looking through albums, and boxes filled with photos or other memorabilia, even yearbooks. I'm not sure if I should keep most of it. I keep saying how you're always the same person no matter where you are in linear time or space, but I don't recognize most of the things I've found. The things I do recognize feel like some other persons memories and not my own. I don't think it caused pain, it more like displacement and confused emotions. I don't know if its healthy to dig up things you've already settled.

Read more...

I had a dream that I had moved to New York. Megan Mack and I were roommates. It was always sunny, but I've lost all other memories from the dream. I don't even want to visit New York, not really. I know a lot of people probably think I'm crazy for saying that. But I don't really have any inclination or fascination with New York, or Paris, and I never had one for London. I just don't get turned on by massive populaces. It's not like I would turn down the chance to go, to visit, to be there...but they aren't at the top of my list. I don't know how to explain it, because I like San Francisco and Edinburgh generally, maybe that's the key wood generally and not passionately? I'm not doing very well explaining myself.

I hate dreams that include ex boyfriends. It's like romantic movies you liked the first time, when it was fresh, and new, and special. Then they start showing them as reruns on Oxygen, so as you're channel surfing you stop watch a scene, and then realize jeezes why am I watching this...I've seen it eleven times! It's like you can't escape them, it starts to become a nuisance, annoying and bland. They haunt you forever.

In the past couple weeks there have been at least three critical mass bike rides down my block. Each time someone has been loud reggae, not just some wimpy boom box loud, I mean blasting. Tonight it was Barrington Levy, one of my favorites. But why my street? Am I complaining? No. The 30 or so riders are just a small slice of what I miss most about the Boldt. I never did participate in one of those bike rides, but now that these folks have chosen my street to ride down, I feel blessed! It's like a piece of the home I can never return to. Actually now that I think about it, the main streets around my block, all have had speed bumps put in, perhaps the bicyclists are avoiding those.

Read more...

All I want to do is start up weights again. Not only do I have to save a couple bucks to get a membership, but I've still got a fair amount of pain when I move around too much. I've fine if I find a comfy position, but if I bend awkwardly or even lightly brush my back it's like OUCH. Mum and I walked to Cafe Buna for breakfast today, it was fine getting there, on the way back I was kinda like guh. I think mostly from overcompensating so that I don't get a twang of pain from bending the wrong way. So I've kinda made my muscles kinda sore. I think also it's just bruised now, and maybe the since I haven't been active all the blood rushing around my body kinda created a throbbing sensation. Oh well..everyday it's like 50% better then the day before, I'll be fine soon. We actually took the outer dressing off today (per doctors orders) and so now I have a piece of tape that will fall off in two weeks that is covering the incision. It's actually tiny! Gotta love doctors who think about these things, and I'm glad I got it removed while it was small. The one on my arm was much larger.

Anyway as you might have thought by now, I've got extreme cabin fever. My brain is complete mush from TV, newspaper, radio, and more TV. I'm so ready to go back to work it's not even funny. Too much time to think kinda puts me on self-deconstruction mode. What's happened to me? What I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm going with. I can't figure out if somethings have always been this way. Is that because, you really are the same person no matter where you go? Even if where you go, is through linear timer, rather then space? I'm beginning to wonder if I've forgotten who I am. But that the inherent me is what's operating instinctively. I feel like my gas tank is empty. I don't even feel emotional about anything, because there's nothing going bad or good, everything is...like running on fumes, there's not enough juice-inspiration, passion, about any of it to really get illicit an emotional response. I mean I guess it's there, deep down, I just can't reach it.

Read more...

Why doesn't In-n-Out deliver!

Last night the wonderful bee sting shots started to wear off and things got pretty crappy. There is no position that does not create some kind of pain. I was kind of expecting it, but didn't really think to think that where the lipoma was on my back, would make for a very sore wound the next day. Oh well. I took some ibuprophen last night to go to sleep. This morning the pain is much worse, but I haven't taken anything yet. It kind of feels like someone is holding on to my back with a sharp pole, mixed with the pain you get when someone kicks you in the shin. If I move it makes the skin move, like it's going to separate the stitches, even though that's not going to happen it's what I keep thinking mentally. I swear it's like enveloping my whole mid back, but if you look back there, the first layer of coverings are less then an inch, and there isn't even redness or swelling. Which is very good, but doesn't help when I think why I'm in pain. I mean it's manageable, I'm not like bedridden, bu like a migraine, I can't really focus on anything, I can't or go anywhere, or do anything.

Anyway I want a motorcycle, or at least a boyfriend who has one that I can take rides on. Must pressure Jordan. I think I could do a scooter personally. Yesterday when the pain was still numbed from the shots, I ventured to Gelson's for some yummy hot soups. Some guys on a red vespa was whizzing around the lot, and I thought that could be me! But knowing my luck, I'd plow right into a tree or something.

I should really write something about Trueblood, but I can't be bothered. Haha and that shouldn't be taken negatively at all.

Haircuts are 6 month therapy sessions shoved in to a 60 minutes snip snip, well for me at least. I love getting my haircut...I love people playing with my hair. I save up all my money just for a special haircut, since I rarely do get it cut. Now I'm getting annoyed with the color. It's too dark, or something. I feel like my natural hair color, makes me look too tired, or old. But also that harsh Ariel red is too young.

Read more...

Today was the day I had my lipoma removed. Needless to say I feel better, so much better. Last night, I don't even want to talk about last night. But in this morning I felt more peaceful. As the morning wore on I got more nervous, but not about anything specific. We arrived at the surgery center, and it didn't really feel like anything other then a nice office building with a waiting room. I checked myself in, forking over my savings to pay for this little procedure, to some woman with bushier eyebrows then even me. I thought I would sit in that waiting room forever, but a nice young nurse came and told me it was time to go to pre-op within twenty minutes. On our way to the little locker room, where I'd soon get naked, we past gurneys lined up against a wall waiting for patients, and I suddenly felt like I was really going to surgery.

After tying my hospital gown up, I went to one of the pre-op rooms, that was pleasantly private and with a large window looking out of the canopy of trees that lined the street. Two nurses attended to me, they were both lovely. One asked me questions like, "have you had a stroke?", "Do you smoke?", "When did you last menstruate?". The other one took my blood pressure and handed me an ugly lunch ladies hat to hide my hair in. I thought that was a little dramatic, but I was soon to learn there would be other silly things to come. She laid a lovely warm sheet on me, which I snuggled under. My booty clad feet stuck out and hung off the gurney, I guess gurneys for tall people. Then one of the nurses instructed someone to go get the significant other. Jordan came in, sat down awkwardly in the chair next to me. I smiled at him, my eyes wide with apology. I asked the nurse if he was going to have to watch? She said no of course not, he's going to help. We both laughed over enthusiastically. I have no idea why they sent him in, it was as if I had to say goodbye in case I didn't make it out of the surgery. Again a little dramatic and silly. And through this all, I was in a cheerful mood.

After a few minutes, I waved goodbye to Jordan, who said, "have fun", and I was wheeled down an odd maze of hallways, past other patients and weird taupe colored lab equipment, past a room that had monitors displaying someones insides, past a weird thing that look like a toaster oven that was humming loudly and into my surgery room. It was large, and I could tell equipped for more important, longer, and scarier surgeries. The nurses rolled me right up to the operating table, raised up my gurney, and instructed me to roll from my back and onto the table belly down. After awkwardly accomplishing that, I relaxed and I noticed I could hear Blue Oyster Cult's 'Don't Fear the Reaper' emanating from somewhere.

From my strange horizontal view I could see the tower of monitors that an anesthesiologist uses on folks in those more important, longer and scarier surgeries. The nurses who had given me a the lovely warm blanket, clipped one of those clothes line looking things on my finger to monitor oxygen in my blood and my pulse rate. "I'll be right here at your head sweety", she said. I thought, again dramatic and silly, but I guess if I were to suddenly have a panic attack, she'd be there to calm me down, and that was probably her purpose.

Dr. Dinome arrived then, "Caitlin it's doctor Dinome" she said from some where behind me. I recognized her voice. When I had met her for the consultation, I liked her confidence and straight forwardness. She wasn't too touchy feely, she didn't baby me, she was exactly what I expected a surgeon to be like. Although her office staff seem to operate without any consistency at all, I liked her, and wanted her to be the one. Anyway back to the surgery. One of the other surgery nurses explained that she was going to place a giant plastic cold sticker on my upper thigh under my butt. I have no idea what that was for. Then she informed that she was going to wash my back, and cover it with sterile sheets. This is the part where I went from human being lying on table, to nice framed patch of flesh. But this isn't to remove the surgeon from the patient, rather to create a sterile field around the point of entry. They also constructed a giant tent above my head, which I thought was unnecessary and dramatic again, it made me think of women having cesareans. Then I thought, ew babies, never.So as you can see I was really in a normal Caitlin state of mind. I still didn't want anything to do with babies.

Dr. Dinome announced it was time for the shots that would provide me with the most pain I would feel during the whole procedure. Like 'bee stings with a few seconds of burning.' I got six. They did feel exactly like bee stings. I was prepared for these, since I remember them on my arm from my first lipoma back when I was 13ish. And they hurt like a bitch. Then I felt nothing but a strange tugging sensation and some prodding here and there from the cauterization tool. All I did was lie there listening to my steady pulse, thinking it was funny they were using my ass to put tools or gauze or something, like a table. Not more then 10 minutes later I knew the procedure was coming to a close, when I could tell she was sewing the stitches, I even almost thought I heard the thread being pulled through my skin.

And that was it, it was over. Dr. Dinome asked me I wanted to see the 'little guy'. I said sure. She held it out in her gloved hand. It was smooth and cream yellow, like a butter ball smeared with blood. I thought it looked like a plump flying saucer no bigger then a quarter. The nurses started deconstructing my tent, and one ripped off that big plastic square they placed on my upper thigh, well at least I won't have to shave tomorrow. Dr. Dinome sat on a stool next to my head, while she filled out paper work. I noticed she was heavily pregnant! I didn't notice it the month before when I went in for my consultation. But there she was, scribbling notes like diligently. Women are amazing. She told me all the things I needed to know for after that the stitches were dis-solvable, that the coverings were water proof, that I could do whatever I wanted the rest of the day.

I thanked her, and the nurse wheeled me out and back through the maze of taupe and ugly beige, to post-op. A room of gurneys with curtain separators. They took my blood pressure and handed me my bag of clothes, I got dressed behind a curtain to the sound of an elderly gentlemen snoring softly, then waking up, "Hi how are you feeling?", the nurse next door asked enthusiastically and loudly. I walked away then, and signed myself out.

Now I'm at home. It's been a good amount of time, and the numbness is definitely gone. Now it just feels like someone kicked me in the shin but on my back. Sore more then anything. But all in all, I feel relieved. Holier. Hahahahaha....k bad joke. I feel like ultimately, I freaked myself out for no reason. Or that the people at the Santa Monica surgery center, and Dr. Dinome's staff were so friendly I felt at ease, something I haven't felt in the presence of medical persons in a long time.

Read more...

The blue sky was flooded with clouds this afternoon. It was perfect. They flew across the sky, and I finally felt like time was moving for once. Sometimes in LA, one gets the feeling the world is stagnant...as if nothing here changes.

After I get robbed of all my savings, just to get a harmless but ugly lump removed from my back this Wednesday, I have a lot of serious considering to do.

Jordan wants me to move to Simi. But..

I like my job. Mostly because I like the formula. I'm one hundred times more productive when I'm working individually in a group environment. Time flies, and although the work itself isn't exactly stimulating, I enjoy getting up to go. That's saying a lot, I've never felt like that about a job before.

However I don't get paid nearly enough to live on the West side while working at this job. And thus am forced to still live at my mothers house, which every week becomes increasingly intolerable.

But to find another job, with similar qualities in Simi is virtually impossible. Then also, I would have to train at that new job. The idea of starting over sounds unbearable.

Am I being too much of a ridiculous baby?

Read more...

Dear persons with power representing me and all others who should know,

http://www.amazon.com/Pathologies-Power-Health-Human-Rights/dp/0520235509

Above is a link to one of the most influential books I studied at school. Like the title describes it really leaves the reader with an astounding solidification of hazy thoughts about power inequalities. What I mean by that is, we all know money and corporations rule the now globalized world. But this book helps to explore how deep the wounds from that power struggle run throughout, how they effect everyone human singularly. In regards to health care, what resonated with me most, is that it should be considered a basic human right. In fact in my eyes it is, and it always has been, but Farmer's book, like I said solidified that belief.

The same united beliefs we have as a collective of American citizens, are the exact same beliefs that make me a strong supporter of a public health care option. Everyone agrees that it is our basic human right and our governments responsibility, to provide us with education, protection of freedoms, social security, public lands, a lawyer to defend out innocence etc., why not health care? Why are we so against sharing our strength?

Am I bias? Of course I am. I believe in equality, a sharing of power, sharing resources with all life including the lands we live on...some people might call that liberal. I just happen to think it's a question of what is what is humane. When are we going to start taking care of each other, instead of demonizing each other? When is wanting what is best for everyone going to kick the money grabbers, and power wielders out of the front seat and drive us to joining the rest of the industrialized world in this belief?

What do I think beyond the philosophical airy junk. Let's talk specifics, my own personal ideas. (These might pertain to my own personal situation).

-I want companies that offer benefits to their employees to get tax write offs if their employees visit a gym 3 times a week. I don't know how that could be enforced, but we should somehow be rewarded for our efforts to live healthy lifestyles. Which leads to my next point.
-I want health care to revolve around prevention and not around treatment after the fact.
-I want doctors to give me more options then just pharmaceuticals, and for drug commercials to be banned from TV all together.
-I haven't been to see a doctor I felt comfortable with or thought actually cared about me, except once. The one time I got a paps at the HSU Health Center, was the one time I actually felt like the doctor was speaking to me as a human being, and not as a host for disease that had to be conquered, tamed, kept in check. Cure administered, mission accomplished, cross off the list, next.
-I don't want to call my insurance company 30 times in a week to get answers.
-The present system should not be called health care, its health war. War after the fact. I don't feel like anyone is preventing anything from happening to me, they are only there when there's a task set, a problem to be solved.
-If I could imagine the perfect meeting with a new doctor, it would be, me meeting my doctor to have a face to face talk, not in an examination room. First we would discuss my health history. Then we would discuss what I do to keep myself healthy, which would lead to any concerns I have currently. Then we would head to the examination room to look at the concerns.

SO to whom it may concern, that is really how I feel about 'health care', and I want my voice to be heard.

Read more...

I think I've finally pinpointed my weekday anxiety. Since Jordan moved, I find myself completely lost during the week. I think I'm more pissed at myself for the weakness then I am worried about my feelings. I have yet to figure out exactly why I am so needy and clingy...but at least now I know why I've been feeling such extreme lows during the week.

When I was away at school, I got the same kind of anxiety when I was away from Jordan, even away from James. It wasn't something that went away easily. I realized that it was because I wasn't in control of it, the obligation of school controlled our lives. When Jordan moved to Simi for work, the change somehow triggered that anxiety. His living in Thousand Oaks was always the norm, his moving to Simi clearly changed that. It has nothing to do with the distance, both his parents and Simi are like 35 miles from my house. I don't know maybe that's not it. All I know is that as soon as I leave Jordan's presence I start to get that creeping anxious feeling. I can't sleep. My mind rolls over and over what I'm missing out on, what it means for our future, whether or not it's hurting our relationship, or worse.

I think I've changed so much over the past two years, while at the same time, I'm exactly the same person. Maybe it's not really change as it is a study in submission and compromise. And that's not just in relationships, but in everything that's happened to me since I've graduated. To be honest I think I feed my own weakness. I think that a lot of people might freak out at that, but I assure I'm thinking a lot about where I'm going, who I am, what's happening to me. It's really just something I need time to figure out. For the moment giving a fair chance to everything new is where I'm at. And until I'm in a strong place I can't really move forward. What do I mean by strong place, well first getting this surgery on my back, and second getting back in shape. I feel like 70% of my problems stem from being incredibly out of shape and having gained like 15 pounds. I know it's pathetic and I should accept myself, but fuck that shit, if I feel like shit mentally because of the weight gain then clearly it's not something I should accept.

Read more...

Writing.
Writing comes and goes in my life. Right now I'm in a heavy writing phase. I feel like everything I do I need to write about. Sadly this weekend, I never really sat down to write, so now when I try to write, I'll probably forget half of what I wanted to write. Instead I kept posting random sentences from my journal, which in the time it took to do that i could have written other stuff. The other problem, is that I'm backed up on yelp reviews which I can't stand. I'm so OCD about them. The reason I don't wait to write them, is because when I let them bunch up my writing gets shitty. (See that entire paragraph = shit writing cause I waited to long)

The fires.
For the past what is it, like 13 days practically now the Station fire has been burning in the San Gabriel's east of Los Angeles metro. There's something strangely satisfying and disturbing about my "told you so" attitude towards the whole thing. When my parents bought there new house in Altadena less then a mile from the edge of the last foothill house, I kept trying to interject how dumb it was, all the risks involved. After I took all my geology and geography classes, I have a problem with pointing out all the things wrong with buying a house anywhere in southern California practically. I'm not a very good person to be around. As one drives along the 118 to the 210 on my way to Altadena, it's easy to see how close the fire came to houses along the foothills. Commuters drive past signs that labeled street names and communities everyone had been hearing in the news. The funny thing is, that California is so dead and parched, some of the burned parts look like the non-bunred parts. Basically lumps of death.

Anyway, the ash from the Station fire snowed on my parents house for a good 3 days when the fire was at it's worst on the west side of the mountains. While I was at their house, they pointed out the ridges where each night they watched the flames climbing up the sheer faces of the relatively young mountain range. Water rigged airplanes and copters were still flying over to the east side of the mountains, but overall it was like nothing had ever happened. And now that the staiton fire is threatening the east side of the range, the communities of Palmdale, and Acton places no one in LA metro really cares about, we hardly hear about the fire on the news anymore. This morning when I was driving down the 118 from Simi to get on the 405 south I had a clear view of the smoke still mushrooming back there. Clearly the fire is still just as bad.

Anyway what I would be most worried about now, is not that the fire will come back, but that the mountains will now be even more prone to huge slides, which people seem to think only threaten the people who live on the very edge of the wildland-urban interface. All you have to do is read The Control of Nature by John Mcphee to realize how far slides can actually flow. The entire San Gabriel and San Bernadino foothills are previous slides fanning out across the valley. I couldn't very well tell my parents buying a house was a mistake, but its amazing what happens when you know shit. You turn into the person who comes over to say, why the fuck do you have a grass lawn in a desert? Am I a bad person for thinking that New Orleans is the stupidest city in the world? I mean really under sea level? In fact anyone who lives along the Mississippi is retarded. It's a wandering river, you can't control it, and you definitely can't control it with ancient levees. Do you want to know how much tax money is spent on controlling that freaking river? It's nutz I tell you nutz! Okay I'm going to stop ranting, before I make too many enemies.

Movies.
Is it just me or is 2009 the year of mediocre movies? I saw Extract last night, and it was literally so bad I wanted to leave. In fact I haven't been inclined to see anything that's got less then %80 on Rotten Tomatoes because I now think that every movie this year is crap and I don't want to spend the $10+ to see something. The only movies that are above average, and even great to me this year are Star Trek, Anvil: The Story of Anvil, The Hangover and The Hurt Locker.

MaryJane.
I still get a lot of street cred for having attended Humboldt. I got out of jury duty for it, people approach me when they read my decal on my car, and now that Jordan's moved in to a stoner's house I'm super popular, even though I don't partake in anything pot related. Now I say 'stoner' with affection, although at some point it's hard for me to understand spending every second of everyday being stoned. Don't people want a couple days of clarity, reality? I still don't get it. It's funny, I feel like I've been exposed more to chain weed smokers in SoCal then I ever was in Humboldt. I mean even though my ex-roommate smoked every day, he mostly did it for his ADHD. From what I can see Jordan's roommate has no reason to, but does all the time. I feel like in SoCal with all the new medical shops you can go to nowadays, it's turned into a hobby of gigantic proportions. Yesterday at the BBQ everyone sat around for like hours smoking bowls, and discussing who's glass was better, where to get the best shit in the San Fernando valley etc. For someone who doesn't understand the culture, the need or whatever you want to call smoking, sitting a group of people who do for hours can get incredibly boring due to repetitive low energy conversations. I mean I guess it's picking between the lesser of two evils, so to speak. Drunks can get nasty, and into fights, break shit, get loud and annoying. At least people who smoke all day are relaxed and aren't likely to punch anyone in the face, even if it is boring.

Simi Valley.
Simi is...well what is Simi? How do I explain it. Here is a list:
-As you drive up Jordan's street, which is on the North side, the 'rich' side of Simi, almost every driveway has an RV, or a Boat. If you look in the open garages, you see men and boys working on their dirt bikes and atvs.
-Almost every shopping center is newish and suburban. There are hardly any stand alone restaurants or shops in Simi.
-There are plenty of rednecks, in fact it's kind of like redneck-ville. That might be offensive, but it's true. There are plenty of Christians, the other day I drove past Simi's government complex and there were two girls no more then 9 with their mothers holding signs that said "Do you trust Christ or the Government?" I have no idea what they meant by that.
-As far as I can tell, Simi is a sleeper community, most folks commute out of the valley for work, so it's almost all residential. Jordan and his work friends are practically the only people I've met who actually work in the valley.
-I can't wait to spring, because the hills and rocky peaks surrounding the valley will turn lovely green and the valley will be so much prettier.

Read more...

Is it just me or are 90% of people boring. I think it's me. I never thought that before, but I think I've become very cynical over the past couple of years. But also I think it's a symptom of not really getting to know anyone on a deeper level anymore. I seem to think I've figured everyone out that I meet, within the first few minutes of conversation. Most of the time I feel like they're is nothing more to them, then the assumptions I make from that first conversation. I guess it's kind of awful, but no one ever seems interested in becoming better friends with me. Or maybe that's giving myself too much credit for being a loser. But then again maybe I really do exude anti-friendly vibes. And those are probably projected because I automatically label people as boring. I mean obviously boring is really generalized, but I guess I mean that I just find I don't have anything to really converse with people about. Or maybe it's an LA thing. I think I'm exposed to the bimbos of LA mostly, in a city so vast and sprawled it's no wonder people are so distant, and it's hard to connect, or to even discover where in the endless stretch lie the pockets of real people.

Read more...

That night, the sunset behind a veil of smoke and smog. It was definitely hot pink in every sense, warm, obnoxious and unnatural. I had been leaning against the front porch post, sneaking a cigarette, but she found me. Instead of the usual reprimand, she stood on the step above me and ran her fingers through the hair at the base of my neck, the way someone would tickle a dog’s chin. We didn’t really need to say anything. We had stopped a long time ago. Over time it was more like the rock at the bottom of the sea, and the currents constantly surrounding it.

Read more...

Walking through 12,000 square miles of evergreen forest.
I have silverware for a drawer that would never exist.
Sienna moon.
The heat is frozen in my room.
If dreams don't mean anything why do we have them?
There aren't that many people to say things, but-

Read more...