It's the last day of April.

April is a strange month for me, and I only sort of acknowledged that recently. A lot of stuff has happened to me in the April month over the years. Good and bad things, mostly things that change a lot in my life. Its always the month of rush, rushing right up to the beginning half of May when the turning point actually occurs. April is like the worry month, the worry for that big May change. But when May comes around I've worked myself into a frenzy, and I usually get to my last step of either, forget about caring, escape, or just plain old acceptance of the facts. After that I'm relatively normal.

So what in this month of April is making me crazy? Bah you already know. But this time I don't really know what is ending. Before it was school, it was relationships etc. Nothing has happened except warning signs for possible changes in May. I guess we'll see when we get there. I would like to say, that I'm not expecting the worst, I'm just expecting something.

Re-visitation of the 'essay' dun dun duuuun....

So I tricked myself, I thought I would avoid writing the "April stuff", when in fact I'm about to write about the one thing I do know about, that I do know is changing. Negativity. Its not changing at all in fact. I have to keep my opinions entirely to myself in order to not be negative.

Examples:
1) Renfaire parking lot line: "wow this is totally not efficient. blah blah" here I am not realizing negativity and am in a a really really good mood...so proof that it does not matter what mood I am in.
2) Jordan's schedule: "I thought you didn't like mornings, don't do it, you won't like it". Even though I was very positive about his not getting the promotion at work (saying things like good experience, you know what to expect next time etc.) when he told me he was going to change his schedule, all I could think about were the negative aspects of this change. Not that we could go bowling again, not that he would have more social life with people down here. Instead I jumped on, "you have to go to bed at 10pm, you would be working the busy shift". Wtf is wrong with me?
3) Yoga. Olga asks, "why haven't you gone". my reply "I seem to look for an excuse not to every time". Me avoiding my own birthday present of free yoga for two weeks? Really really?

Yoga

In fact I can't think of a time where I was positive all month? AND having said that, typed this rather, I realize that this entire post is negative! SO...I'm going to write the next section entirely positive.

"I went last night. It was glorious. I sweat so much that my mat got wet, something that rarely has happened at other yoga classes. My muscles are sore from yesterday, so I know I got a work out. Ekka was beautiful long and slender like a gazelle. Her voice was powerful, and rhythmic. She told me I had dancer legs. I got my breath back. I anticipated the flow and asanas, its just like riding a bicycle, you never forget."

Okay how formulaic was that? While in yoga, I realized how much I had lost control of where my thoughts take me. All it took was for Ekka to say something to the effect of "Don't think about your practice yesterday, just acknowledge where your practice is today". And "Think about your breath instead of looking around, or playing with your hair". I mean out of context they sound like barking orders, but if you've been to a yoga class you know what these words mean. The idea is to let go of all the outside stuff, and focus on uniting breath and pose or movement. Judgement, outside distractions, outside thoughts are all to be dropped away. It's a good lesson for me. A good reminder.

Now I'm trying to peer into my yoga past. Did I ever let go that much? I don't think I went to yoga enough to let go that much. My college yoga classes were overcrowded and generally pretty crappy. Maybe if I did have it, I lost it along the way. Ekka was very good at bringing that awareness back for me. Yet in this class, and its my first one in about a year, and first good one in about four years, I still let all this outside come in to me. "Guh I'm sweating so much yucky" or "Should we really be saying 'om' I feel like a poser" or "this yoga study is filled with rich yuppies" or "jeezes I can't even do 'cobra' anymore, oh well 'Sphinx' it is". It gets worse, I started thinking about nothing related to yoga like, "Should I go back to school?" or "Why is no one responding to my job applications" or "Swine flu is going to kill everyone". Actually the last one I'm very very skeptical about. But that's another issue.

The point is, this is very hard to do. Changing. I don't think yoga is the cure all for my problems, but it can't hurt them. The worst part is, its so ingrained in me that I don't even realize I'm doing it. Speaking it, thinking it.

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First

So I've been up since about 4 this morning, and I went to bed around 1. I had terrible vivid nightmares last night. There were not monsters, or bears or whatever that I sometimes dream about, but the fear was very intense. I don't want to talk about it.
I took my car in at 7:45 and have been transcribing since. Now I must do something other then that, so I'm updating my blog. So there.

Guttermunson Neighbors

So I've often spoke of my neighbors, and hopefully this piece about them won't sound too unjust.
How I wish for some kind of National Health Care System. While at the same time I cannot stand the ridiculousness of some of the social systems enacted in this country. For example: How is it my neighbors are getting free work done no their house? Including painting. None of them have worked a real job in their lives. Grannie Betty and Renee, the two matriarchs of the household may be ill now, but in their younger years they sat at home all day living off the benefits of coming and going men and welfare. They've passed on these qualities to their children. All of whom live in this two bedroom house, except Samantha (who randomly shows up with her anorexic guy friend), and Christina who is homeless with her bike stealing boyfriend. (Although always around, and their foster care children visit like once a month) And now the city has swooped down and started fixing up all the aging parts of their house, free.

Couldn't the money be spent getting these people to work and pay for their own repairs? If these two women are ill, the older kinds should be working their asses off to help their parents, or better yet move out and live their own lives. Then the house wouldn't be overused in the first place. But nothing is being done to put the wayward youth on track. Instead they are getting a free paint job. You know if it were a deserving family, I might feel otherwise. It's shocking to me that a social services person comes by every week and has not ordered the whole property condemned and taken all the children away. If only they could hear what I hear on a daily basis. But no one asks our opinion. The cops that we've been in contact with have so many households that they are called to, they never make an effort to do anything but warn them.

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Palm Trees

Yes I know...I should probably revisit my essay. But at the moment I would rather write about how my mom hired Gardeners to cut down our large palm tree in the back yard. There is something romantic about the way palm trees sway. Sort of like a sexy wave, or someone swooning from a lovers gaze. Their bent fronds also create an illusion of care free laziness. The atmosphere of my mothers garden shall forever be different. I vaguely remember this palm tree in its earliest stages. It was only about 6 foot. It even had a twin! They grew together, evenly spaced out in front of the back doors. As they grew, they became the pillars of the garden, sectioning off the yard. A few years ago, one of the twins was removed, in order to level out the deck. That was a sad day in deed. But yesterday, they took out the remaining tree! Now the yard seems a lot larger. Like one big dead space. Now we only have one palm tree left. A little one, that I also forget exisists, having not reached the height or majesty of the two twins.

Perfect Beach Day

As I mentioned before, I went to the beach. It was my first official beach day of the new season. It wasn't as ridiculously hot as the day prior, but the heat made the air still. And all though the water wasn't as clear as I like, the ocean was still. It felt more like a lake, even sounded like it. The waves lapping at the sand gently. I went in the water it was so hot! Sometimes I wished for the sound of beach wind and waves crashing, because it often drowns out your neighbors conversations. But on this day sound carried quite easily up and down the sand. We saw different pods of dolphins too, even one jumping clear out of the water. Very pleasant indeed.

Park Work

I'm in transcription phase of the videos that were transferred to my computer before my video camera died. All I have to say, is I'm even more motivated to get another job.

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Books

I finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See recently. If you’ve read A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini or Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden, you may have an idea of the book. It’s a “woman’s” book, someone in the said to me as I picked up the book in a store. “It’s one of my favorites” she went on. So I read the first few pages, and that sold me. I particularly like the writing. The voice is very Chinese, not some American writer trying to sound Chinese. I mean maybe that’s not fair but that’s how I feel. It was incredibly depressing, but strangely enough I felt very subdued reading it. I think because of that Chinese voice. Yes the character lived through horrors, that we American would spend fortunes on xanax and therapy to overcome, but it was just the way it was at that time in China. Anyway, a great read. Even if there seemed to be no sudden climax as in many books, and I had issue with the largest climax being “believable”. Don’t want to spoil anything. So I’ve moved on to The Book of Illusions by Paul Auster, which is one of Anna’s favorite novels. Only 50 pages in.

In other news

A heat wave has descended on LA. Oppressively dry, and still. I find on days like this, you must find either a body of water, or hide inside. The Spanish hexagonal tiles naturally cool my mom’s house. As soon as the sun passes over my room in the mornings, it receives no direct sunlight, and therefore stays chilled all through out the day. Especially if I keep the window closed. What little sea breeze there is, flows in a continuous stream through the open back to the open front door. No wonder shotgun houses were so popular in the south.

I often rely on the weather for my mood. At least this heat is something new, something of a new challenge. In the past couple of days that change has helped with all my self-examinations.

I’m reaching the end of my moleskine. This one being particular interesting, because it was started during the last enormous change in my life. My break-up with James. Now graduating was definitely a big change, of course. But the effect’s have really sidled along side me, like a ghost I won’t acknowledge exists. What the hell am I talking about right? Well the simple fact is, I graduated, hopeful. Landed an internship even more hopeful, excited and feeling supremely lucky to have found something so close to what I had studied. But alas it was an unpaid position, I lost all my money. The internship didn’t turn out to be what it was supposed to be. Then I was going to leave, but was told I would be paid for my work. And so, being broke, I took the offer. Not even thinking that the job would ultimately be the same. So then I just fell deeper into the lack of structure, consistency, scheduling, all things that I daresay are very dangerous for a recent college grad. Going from school for 16 or so years of your life, to a job with an insane lack of administrative necessities can only result in enormous set backs.

Yes these include what I have written about. But you know what, enough about my financial crisis. Enough about my health. Enough about my failures at finding a job. Enough about my denial to face facts. My unwillingness to just leave the park job for good, and get a real job, with real responsibilities, and most importantly, actually do the work to the fullest extent. Finally I faced the truth of what all this has meant to the relationship I have with Jordan. I guess its something I haven’t really wanted to write about, but I couldn’t really do it for fear of where it might lead me too.

On Saturday night, I realized again, how far I’ve let myself slip, even though it’s exactly what I promised myself I would not do. I keep waiting for a handout. And ultimately, I’ve let Jordan bare the brunt of my waiting. “Feel sorry for me!” I wanted to scream, “Tell me everything is going to be alright”, “Tell me you love me anyway!”. But there was no screaming. Just simple discussion, which I had to practically pry from his mouth. I knew what was coming already, I guess I just needed it to be said. Ultimately, nothing he could say or do would make any difference to my happiness. Slowly the same creeping ghost would become more apparent.

Really what it boils down to, is that my negativity and self doubt, have landed me in a place that is incredibly hard to escape. It’s easier to deny, to not try, to hide, then it is to actually change myself. I’m driving away everything in my life because of it. Not just money, not just dreams, but the one most important thing to me, my relationship is going down the tubes because of these damned qualities.

After he left, and even though he left on positive terms. I was strangely quiet. I cried of course, long and hard, and then after I was silent. Have been ever since. I mean I talk, I am writing, that’s not what I mean, I mean physically, I don’t feel ill, or like crying anymore. Because there was no injustice done to me by Jordan. His feelings are completely rational, completely valid. Having said that, like I just said, changing myself for myself, is the only way of fixing what has happened to me.

Sure I can start with talking about how I feel like my parents have crippled me over the years. How my generation should be known as the self-entitled half Asses. How someone should feel sorry for me, give me a handout, make things easy. How the times are hard, and that’s why I’m negative, and not getting chances. When it’s been me along that’s crippling my own self.

Or I could start by stating that I regret not giving enough credit to Jordan’s intelligence. Even though I think it’s ultimately a defense mechanism to think he’s less emotionally savvy then me. Really in the long run, he’s a successful human being based solely upon his ability to be cold, completely self reliant in the sense that when forced to do so- he always prevails, and ability to remain detached from anyone and anything. It may not seem human, but on a basic needs scale, he’s met those characteristics perfectly.

Now I’m not saying that that is who I want to be. But I am saying that its up to him to be whom he wants, and that’s what he’s done. Its up to me to be whom I want.

Anyway, after those first thoughts, I obviously consulted my mother. In the morning we often times find each other in the garden, cups of tea in hand, discussing something. She sided with Jordan, and more then once asked if it was her fault. I realized again, that I make it what I make it. She can nag, she can bring her negativity home with her, but its me who lets that stuff enter me instead of bouncing it off. The discussion ended with the first decision. I’m giving up the park job. I don’t know if I’m giving up the park. But the position I am in right now, and the dynamic with my boss is completely stagnant. It won’t change, and I know it. I no longer want to make him be the boss I want him to be, whether it be calling me back within the hour instead of three days later, remembering to fax my invoice within the same day I email it to him, giving me a chance to do tasks my way, I’m done trying to make the job work for me. It’s a dead end, and has been for a long time. The key is to find another job, and then quit.

My second step is to work on my very attitude. Yes I can stand to be a little bit more positive, both in what I choose to speak about and my body language. This is going to be 100 times harder then the first step. But just as important. The two go hand in hand. For me to be positive, I need to have a good financial foundation. For me to have a good financial foundation, I just have to do the work, and be positive about it. Positive about everything really. Sure I can have those moments, but my problem is I tend to wallow in them. I don’t bounce back easily. Finding a cure for this might be difficult, but can be done.

Now in the middle of writing this essay, I went off to the beach, to bake in the sunshine. I even went in the water, which I almost never do. So although I stop this essay in the middle, I may come back to it eventually. When I’m ready again.

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tonight i'm questioning everything. and there are no clear answers. and most of the feelings are negative.

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Having a plan helps, steps within that plan is even better. But sadly there is no fast forward button to get the ball from rolling in the first step, to speeding to the completion of the last step.

Sometimes I'm so disappointed. Today, it was about many things, the smallest of which was the wind dying down too early. I wanted it to blow madly lulling me to sleep.

Notes about The Good Good Pig: the extraordinary life of Christopher Hogwood by Sy Montgomery

It is...how can I put this? Not great. I feel like the life of Christopher Hogwood isn't that extraordinary. Lots of people have pigs, have pets, and pets change peoples lives. Maybe it's not that the stories are not meaningful, maybe they are not presented in a way that is effective. It's not like it's terrible writing or something, it just...I just never felt moved by anything that she says about how this pig changed changing peoples lives. I think it may make a better essay...no need for chapters upon chapters of anecdotes pieced together in a strange way. I love animals, and want rights for them as much as the next person, but this woman is a little...she's the type of person at the dog park who thinks their dog is their child. I just...I don't feel that way about animals. Granted all her other books are about how people around the world interact with all the animals in the wild (which is fascinating), but for some reason when she got home from these travels, she decided keeping her deaf and blind border collie at age 14 alive was reasonable, when clearly it needed to be put to sleep. That's the kind of turn off I had about the story as a whole. Maybe I just couldn't relate.

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Okay so...I had a growing pain in my lower back. I don't know what else it could have been. Over night it moved to my left hip area, at that point I realized, ahha! growing pain. I've just never had one there before, so it was kinda scary. I was mentally nutz, had a crap load of caffeine and sugar yesterday so I didn't sleep till about 5 this morning, and had to get up to take my car in at 7:45am.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted. But I keep looking at my TO DO list pinned to my bulletin board. It was a rather successful system for me my last year of college. Due to procrastination, I'd end up with a page worth of crap to get done in one week. Pinning the list to my bulletin board behind my lap top ensured a daily guilt trip needed to get my ass in to gear. I'd open WoW, engage in a staring contest with the list, and ultimately lose. Then I'd set about loading all my work up and head off to the Cart Lab where I'd spend wonderful hours working. My most successful days were spent here. Ahh the cartography lab, with those wonderful westward facing windows. On stormy days, rain would come pouring onto the panes adding to the drama of a north coast storm, while on clear days you could see all the way out to the dunes, the bay and Eureka

Anyway I side track. The TO DO list I have written up for today, all involves money. It's the most depressing thing I've ever looked at. Volvo, Work, Health insurance are some of the major bullets with lotsa steps in between. Unlike school work, where all the resources were at my finger tips whenever I needed, I'm sort of helpless about most of the items. Until calls/emails are returned, cameras are replaced, insurance is purchased, and paychecks come, I just get more and more anxious.

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i keep getting scared. really scared. hypochondriac. panic.
why has my lower spine started to feel weird? guh i keep crying about it. i might be overreacting, but I keep thinking the worst.
at least i haven't had a migraine today. at least i'm shopping for health insurance, that i'll probably buy tomorrow. at least my cavities aren't bothering me too.
i'm jsut freaked out...like really freaked out. and i feel completely alone about it.

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I think I'm dying.

My teeth are killing me, all the cavities seem to have plotted to start hurting on the same day.
I've had a migraine for about a week straight.
My neck pain is back full force, and I'm sure that its causing my recurring migraines.
I think what worries me most is the lump I found on my back. It's near my spine, like almost on top of it. It feels like the one I had removed from my arm, but less solid. I started thinking the worst of course. That I have cancer. That it will go in my spinal cord. That my hair will fall out, and Jordan will leave me.

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Where there was a fire last year, I saw a deer grazing today. Ah…the beautiful spring and renewal in the Santa Monica Mountains.

I've been driving to a staffing office in Thousand Oaks a lot this week. After all the "testing" I feel like a retard, and that nothing I learned at college was worth shit. I might be in a crappier mood about it, except that it's my favorite weather today.

Books

One thing I can safely say comes and goes in phases, is reading. This time I went to the bookstore, and everything I put my hands on I wanted to read. That never happens to me. I picked a book called The Good Good Pig by Sy Montgomery. It’s okay. I don’t like the flow of the story that much. It’s one of those stories I’d rather not read, but hear. She adopts a pig, and it ends up changing her life, and those of the community she lives in. It’s quirky, but you kind of expect it to be, and frankly its not surprising to me. Pigs are intelligent; of course they’re going to affect the lives of their owners. I don’t know, maybe I’m too much of a cynical angry person to enjoy it.

Movies

I watched Australia and Twilight this past weekend.

I’m not sure Baz can really pull his movies off anymore…there’s something obnoxious about how fast everyone talks. The scenes in the beginning of his movies seem to be smashed together, like too many books on a bookshelf. I loved the music, and that’s about it. The acting is mediocre; I wish Nicole Kidman would just lay off for a while. I feel like he didn’t take enough advantage of the wild landscapes at his fingertips, and I never really got that “vast” “dangerous” feeling that I feel like is important to understanding Australia as a whole. And since it’s a movie called Australia, and it’s supposed to encompass that romantic and adventurous lifestyle, you think he would use as much of the natural environment to do it. Most things are CG…wtf. I’m glad though, that the story revolved around the Lost Generations, since no one in America really knows about it.

Twilight on the other hand fully took advantage of the natural landscape. Sometimes it was too distracting. Frankly afterwards, I kicked myself for not reading the book. Because I could tell, there was so much missing, that is obviously written. Oh well. What’s his face, the vampire guy, amazing, of course? Usually young males steal the scenes. The girl, what’s her name? Is too twitchy, while at the same time I think she’s about to fall asleep mid sentence. She delivers her lines awkwardly sometimes, while other times nailing them. She’s very pretty in a plain sort of way, which seems to be the “in” thing in the young new actress world. But I felt like half the time she was laughing at the character she is playing. Anyway, I thought it could have been a lot worse.

Dreams

I need to figure out a better way to remember my dreams. I have all these random words written down in my moleskine about dreams I’ve had the past couple days, but I’m losing the story line. This may sound kind of weird, but I feel like I visit the same “land” in my dreams. There’s the tropical land, the desert land, the theme park, the forested land, the lake country land etc. Different stories happen in the same places, in different dreams, on different nights, even in different years. Maybe that’s why Carl Jung felt they were so important. Too much familiarity creates the illusion of another consciousness. Maybe I even believe him.

Anyway one dream I had, was in the “museum” that I often have dreams in. Sometimes it’s a haunted house, sometimes it’s a multi-storied museum, and sometimes it’s a carnival fun house. In this case, I can’t really remember anything to specific about the dream except that it became really dark. And I had to get out. There was a group of people with me, we were shouting. I pushed forward to some wooden double doors, and started pushing through them. Someone behind me screamed, “Don’t go that way, there are 37 double doors!” They were right, I kept going forward, into a room and then another set of double doors, I started running and couldn’t get to the end. All the while it was pitch black. I woke myself up I panicked so much.

Another dream is what I’m calling the “Charles Dickens” dream. I’m pretty sure it occurred because I got to see the BBC “Little Dorret” series finally come to KCET, and also the chick that’s in “Dollhouse” (which yes I've been watching), Dichen Lachman was in it. Frankly this dream was one of those ones that should not happen, but could happen, and I don’t know what I would do if did happen. Not literally, but definitely scenarios. Anyway a friend of mine was getting married, but it was to a woman, which wasn’t in line with her previous sexual orientation. I don’t remember much else about that. I can remember is Dichen smiling at me, while we were in an atmosphere that felt something like a Charles Dickens book. The way people talked, dressed, the décor etc. Anyway, I was flirting heavily with this guy. Making the eyes and the smiles. The kind you save for new people you’re interested in. One I’ve not exhibited in years. And for some reason I think Dichen was in on my plan. But she was with Jordan, distracting him. It was freaking weird. Anyway this guy and I were sitting opposite each other on couches, but sharing a blanket over our legs. I don’t remember much, but I’m sure I recognize the guy in it. But it was one of those dreams where you feel everything in it, physically.

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High desert highway
Spring in the Bottoms
At College Cove, Early Summer

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I had a dream that I spent all my savings. What does that mean? I also had a dream that I was a high-class prostitute that you could pick out at a Target. I spent most of the dream trying on nightgowns, Granny nightgowns.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks transferring videos to my computer. The great thing about it, is I’m making money for work my computer is doing. Easy. The bad thing is I’m making money for work my computer is doing. I feel guilty, brain dead and suffer extreme cabin fever most days. It’s a 4 hour process, and can take up to 5 hours to complete. So because I’m part time, I can only do 4 or 5 days a week, or I risk messing up the budget that a few of us employees rely on. After the transfer, I have to transcribe, which especially electronically, takes a helluva long time. Then I have to cross check everything. Most days I spend supervising my laptop and watching daytime Food Network and Travel Channel. I’ll throw in a dog walk, chain-drinking tea, trolling yelp and stalking on facebook.

It saddens me that hand writing starts to hurt because I rarely do it anymore.

Sometimes I look at photos of Humboldt posted on facebook, and I get a terribly familiar feeling: homesickness. It’s peculiar. Mostly I day dream about the hot summer days. Days I didn’t take enough advantage of due to WoW. But I can envision walking down Stage Coach Rd in Trinidad, all the Trillium flowers bending over the road, lonely mailboxes signifying humans live somewhere in the dense foliage, and the sound of the ocean floating up the cliffs. Or I think of riding my bike around the Bottoms, maybe even as far as Jackson Ranch road, looking back Northeast at the clear cut patches on the hill, or seeing Founders Hall perched on the hill. But I realize how much I would be the same person if I lived there again, and that I think I’d only want to visit.

I often think about going to Humboldt, but the lure of the South Western deserts may be stronger. I’m dying for the bleak emptiness. Maybe camping, looking down the Grand Canyon, chronicling the drive, the places I would eat, and ending up in lush Austin. All the while hoping Thunderstorms chase us the whole way there. The most exciting part is that it’s a more realistic prospect then anything with airplanes and passports involved.

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