Monday, December 31, 2007
When you let go, it’s also easier to get pushed to the limit. It happened finally, I grew some “nads” called back, and said all the things that I have never said in passion. I yelled at him, cried and I made him answer me. Even if it wasn’t a cure all, because I’ve done it, I’m less frightened of him, I’ll be able to approach him like this about all the things bothering me, and he won’t be able to escape. He had never heard me this emotionally passionate about anything before, I’m sure it was a bit of a shock,
In other news, I keep having strange and intensely detailed dreams. All of them follow the same sort of tone, and seem unusually realistic. Last night I started out at James extended families house, none of the people actually existed. But these imaginary uncles and cousins were watching football, and all of them resembled James. While I was there I took a shower, and looked out the window to see it was raining. At some point I remember freeway interchanges and I knew I was traveling back to Humboldt, except everyone here came there too. In the Co-Op Parking lot, Colin of all people, drunk off his ass, came running up to me, he was babbling some non-sense…but what he said wasn’t important. I just kept screaming back to him, “Colin you’re going to embarrass yourself, stop it, stop Colin common. Sam help me, help me!” He was trying to kiss me, and I kept push his hands off my shoulders while backing up towards the wall. Behind him the sea of faces, which seemed to include every person I had ever met, were dancing, screaming, being drunk, and moving all over the place. Out of the left side, I saw Jordan coming towards us, which automatically made me panic. Cooper came too then, issuing the same sort of suggestions Colin had been, and I practically threw myself at Jordan, looking for protection, seeking comfort. I was crying heavily now, and his face was too, it was so peculiar to see his eyes red, which I had never seen in person. But this was an imaginary Jordan, not the real one, never the real one. "I'm so sorry, don't you see? Can't you see me?" I hysterically repeated. Imanginary Jordan's breathe quickened and shook, letting me know he understood, let me know he would lay everything down. He stroked the back of my head softly. I held onto him so tightly, and we snuck sideways towards a hill that had to be climbed to where Grant and I were roommates. On the way people were still following us, and instead of dead dark night, which had it had been at the Co-Op, an afternoon sun started peeking through the branches of familiar undergrowth and the canopy of redwoods above me. Wesley passed by then and I grabbed his wrist, whispering something like “Tell James, he means more to me then he will ever know…” and something else about how you only have two great loves in life, and James was definitely one. In my dream I remember pausing for a moment, thinkign about the last party I went to, where I had words with James in the middle of the kitchen at Justin's house. The way his face seemed sad, like seal eyes, but who knows if that was guilt, fear, or sympathy. A familiar crushing sensation washed over me, but I held tightly to Jordan’s hand and to Wesley’s wrist and fought through it as I have the past few months, over and over. Wesley placed his hand on my shoulder and reassuringly smiled at me. Finally we seemed to have outrun the crowd of drunks, and made it to a huge studio apartment, where Grant had been living alone for the past month, while I was away visiting Jordan in LA. “Grant, Oh my god, I missed you”, I said and hugged him. He smiled and laughed his Grant laugh. I introduced Jordan to him, and he grabbed his keys and left quite promptly. After that I drew a bath in an abnormally large bathtub, and watched Jordan slip down underneath the bubbles, just as quiet as he is in real life.
The dream ended after that. When I woke up, I was frightened by the corresponding similarities with my real life, and the symbolism of many aspects of the dream. How water seems to be some sort of cleansing ritual for me. I take showers and baths to fill up space in my mind, and wash away incoming issues, fear, and loss. How Humboldt’s light seemed to find its way into the chambers of my heart, easing it. How every time I think of James, it feel like someone is reaching between my breasts and wrenching it, so that it feels like I’m being bruised. How Olga and Anna were not in the dream, and that’s because they are me, and I am them, so they are always within me in dreams. Will it unzip and all come out? This dream happened after my break through, this dream happened on new years eve. This dream happened, the night Jenn arrived in LA. This dream happened while I slept alone in my bed. This dream happened, during an “on the move” week.
Wow.
