Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I was farting around the internet and stumbled upon this article. It's imperative that you read it before you read the rest of this. It's a nail on the head sort of thing, some how comforting in its exactness and sad because of it. For a while there I did think I had new 'friends'. No. They're just people I've met, people I work with. It's a lonely feeling. An all to familiar feeling: not being remembered, being left out. It's also not something you blame on everyone else. I don't think there's anything malicious going on here, I just think that some how I'm not appealing, either because I purposely (yet subconsciously) made it that way or because that's just who I've become.
In the moments when I'm not wallowing around feeling sorry for myself I realize how beautiful Tennessee is on days like today, when the weather is tolerable. I am happy to live here, I truly am. I think, what the hell life is great! And it's obvious that I lucked out in the boy department. Just sometimes, and especially over the course of the last couple of months I feel like my spirit has changed. These thoughts and my analysis of my relationships has become a forefront issue in my daily reflection of my life. It could just be the tremendous amount of stress Drack and I endured for an extended period of time, maybe I'm purging everything as I release from that stressful place. And this is just something that was always there. The bottom line is:
I feel like friends dropped away from me, way before Tennessee whether it was my fault or some naturally occurring process I don't really think those details matter. The present is what matters. I just ended up distanced from most everyone and it makes me distanced from even my own feelings, even from Drack. I want to be more open. I want to be more assertive without being pushy and desperate. Being an adult is lonely. I watched that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other day and there's some discussion on the loneliness of childhood. Maybe that was the case for others but it's the opposite for me. I had a very full childhood. There was no questioning of relationships they were just there, they were natural - there was no working at them, no issue with nitpicking. And in some ways those early ones are always there. But goddammit your 20s are filled with relationships that seem to be missing authenticity and the nitpicking takes over, by the time you're 30 you're screwed. And it's not just nitpicking others, it's nitpicking yourself. It's like you suddenly gain all your confidence in every other part of your life but it back fires. I can't even call someone up to go watch TV or hang out for a minute. I don't feel like I've gotten to that stage with any of these 'new' relationships. It's like one has to have some kind of plan with these 'new' friends. With old friends it doesn't matter if you're just sitting on a couch for 9 hours, the time goes by and it's no issue. With 'new' friends, everyone is looking at their clocks, prioritizing. I certainly know none of my 'new' friends are crisis friends. I sometimes think that this can be blamed on couple-ing. Honestly. I've lost some of the friends in my past due to it and I don't pretend to think that I didn't do this to others myself. You don't try as hard because you have a significant other to fall back on. Or something like that.
I feel like I could write a whole personal essay on this.
There are also the times when you meet people whose age hinders the hanging out. Some how it's not okay to hang out with someone whose age difference is too great. I feel like this is something that shouldn't even be questioned anymore in this day and age. But see even in saying that, I think of all the people who are significantly younger than I, and I get annoyed just thinking about their ridiculousness. You start isolating problems with every single relationship you encounter. I feel like I got my hopes up, that I had gotten past that first awkward stage and I was completely wrong.
There's also something I do. And although I try to push it down and try to tell myself I don't do it. I know I do. And I'm sorry to those who feel betrayed but I'm admitting it: I just don't communicate my feelings enough, about anything. That's really a whole new post, but it's especially true in regards to 'friendships' and I think the reason I don't is because I know the other persons response will probably be "well why don't you just do something about it, get out there and meet people". I understand what you're saying but this is what I say to you: it's easy to get out there and surround yourself with people, it's the second date with those people that's hard. Tell me in all honesty, you don't some how relate to this?
I've been very preoccupied with my health over the last year and half and although somethings have changed, somethings haven't. And when you get to that point, you start to ask yourself if that's what's getting the way of complete health success. I feel like this year, I may need to add something to my regimen. Something that addresses my spirit. I've noticed that I've become clumsy again, I've developed some kind of fungal skin issues, I've had neck pain again. I'm regressing. And I wonder if some how all of these things are connected.
That's all for now, it feels good to write again.
