so yes i have gone to the deep end deeper then ever before, and so i have swam in it. if i were not sick i perhaps would have left the house since xmas day to do something other then get medicine and go to a funeral. If i were not sick i may not be wadding in my own mud hole. im trying to blame this dip into the crushing depths on a sickenss. but i do not think that is the reason i have fallen into lonliness again. bleehhhh. i have asked myself so many times do i want to die? and i realize it would end something that isnt even alive. and if im not alive then how can it be ended. Maybe ill just waste away, go invisible, like a lost wright in the bleak whiteness. i guess i could call around, i guess i am the only one to pull me up by my boot strap. i do blame myself becasue it is true that it is i who am stopping myself from many things, i am scared and lazy. and it is those reasons that i cannot change. Now i have only repeated what i have said time and time again for almost a year now. in that year my reasoning has become so imprinted in my brain that i have no problem saying i am failure, or a waste of breath. and i these things are stronger then the longing for things i am scared or to lazy to do. Wow am i so pathetic as this? yes i am im just a little kid screaming for someone to help me but im doing it for no reason at all. i can fix things, but im scared and im lazy.

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well its been a while, yes it has. i am currently counting the hours and minutes till LOTR TROTK hmm 3 hours and 45 mins! eep! exciting. I find it strange that i am reading harry potter while i wait, but what the hey! i took my sister to the airport today. coming home to an empty house that was quiet was a little strange but i soon felt as if she had never come and that was sad. yet she is the most judgemental person i have ever met, adn its no wonder she cant keep to a single beat. always upping and going and rather impulsive in a sometimes destructive way. but she is my sister and its family so i do love her. I am trying to ignore teh biting hound of sadness. I am done with playing with it. the vile creature only makes me hate myself. but i havent stopped hating myself. infact i see nothing there at all. but oh well its too boring to talk about. i am always talking about it. i do wonder what i will be doing, what my friends will be doing this time next year.

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K so today I was really up and down, snapping i guess but it was not as emotionally upsetting as it usually is. Thoughts were just there and i didnt think things about them that i normally do. I felt sad about love in general and then ended up feeling that What Is The Point Of Living If You Are Never Going To Kiss Anyone. Oh man so i was like this pertains to me, but obvioulsy in no way do i want to die. I mean if everyday is the first of the rest of your life then i have a good amount of days left to change. After writing this my feelings have changed right here and now. Things just got dim, i realize they always are. I feel like i did this past summer. Like im distant again, that ive closed up again, and the ropes are wearing thin between things i like and people i like. Oh well, lets see where the current and wind takes me.

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Well this is it the day. The first day of the rest of my life, i can either change my ways or everday after this will be the same as today and before. I know what needs to be done but two things get in the way- one i am lazy, that i know i can change its just gonna be a killer to kill. Two i am scared, filled with doubt and hate for myself up to my eyes, like a blooming ice burg or somethin. This i can defeat with taking risks. If i dont defeat them i will surely be stuck here forever. You see if i am a true Traveller then i am a true adapter, well i better kick my ass into adapting ASAP.

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I dunno where i am today....seems ive snapped into one of medium states of just caring so much but that i dont care. I need to not be here, i need to look at something naturally beautiful for a while.

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So this summer i had thought i had taken a break from snapping. This i have come to realize was not true. It turns out i was snapping in long periods. For the first part of the summer i was cut off from everyone, the world passed me by, things happend and people advanced with thier lives but i stayed in the same place, perhaps even stepped back down my trodden path. Then writing came, and although my writing was better then the summer previous i didnt write as much. Things just seem so far away from me now, like i was dropped off a boat and i cant reach the life saver as the boat and i drift apart. I am like a lone cactus....for miles and miles around there is nothing but bleak white expanse, and then on the horizon i see a mountain range where i used to live on the other side by the ocean. I cant move though, freaking owls are living in my walls becuase i have been in the same place for so many ages. I just dont know what to do or where to begin to pull myself out again...i keep stepping up but not as fast and then stepping down quickly.

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"We should set Tess up with Frank." she said smiling. Agreements came from around the table.

"Only if I am drunk." I said attempting to force a genuine smile. Only Lily said, "Oh yeah for you, it's only if your drunk." She was the only one who really knew.

So the check came and we it took us a while to pay, but it gave time for the conversation to change, but i had already been pulled back and down the way i had come. We got up and outside the resterant Maria came up to me and said "why only if your drunk? Dont you think Frank is cute?"

A sudden but not unfamiliar heat came over me, and my body shuddered. "I didnt mean because he was so ugly that i would have to be drunk! I meant becuase i was disgusting!" I yelled. " I am scared dont you see it in the way i hold my stomache in, how i dont lift my arms to show the sweat marks or how i dont wear short skirts. I could only handle a situation like that if i were drunk, if i didnt know what was going on.:

Bt now everyone was there and listening to me. Maria just looked at me.

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So I went hiking today. I realized that I had stopped. I mean I was walking but I felt my life had really just stopped. I have no ambition and so everything I do will end eventually. I will find myself sitting in some kind of dark corner away from the world. Nothing will interest me anymore...I will just sit there and that will be it, no more will I live for anything or care about anything. Staring at nothing and into nothing. I do not know what I want and if I did I dont know if i would pursue it. I am not scared though, some how i know that this is what i was always meant for me. It seems so right, so who i am that i can not resist it. i dont know how to resist things anymore. I dont know how to hold my stomache in, or push my hair behind my ears. Not even how to swallow. And my will or the lack of it is the only thing i see. Its limp like cooked pasta.

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So I decided to start my own personal blog, this way I can post things that are not always the best idea to post on my friends blog thing! Im sure not everyone wants to hear everything I have to say...hey I love peace after all!

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