While the previous posts is honest about my actual heart (not what society tells me, or my logical mind tells me to do in this situation), what I secretly wish and hope for, deep down-
The honest reality is- He's really over me, regardless of what he did to me, and that he's happy. He's probably in love with someone else now. He feels guilty, but he's over it. He cares but only so that he won't feel guilty anymore. He doesn't think about me otherwise, and he won't miss me. He never wants me back. He's never going to hold me, or tell me I'm amazing. I am definitely punishing myself for my failures, and thinking it was my fault. And even now I'm still loyal. Knowing all my hopes and secret wishes will never come true.

I want him back, even if he is moving away, because if he wants me, it means I'm worth something. I should be worth a second chance, that second chance would probably fail, but that I'm not even worth that is eating me away. Or that is how I see it. No matter how unhealthy it would be, no matter how much I need to grow, and he does too. But the reality is you can't want something you don't even love anymore, and he doesn't anymore. He has no interest in a second chance...or never expressed it. To be honest I have no idea what is true or false about him anymore, making assumptions gets me no where too. Either way, he's leaving tomorrow, but he's been gone from me for a long time. And that ghost and imaginary guy will never come to me. What I'm hoping in is just as false, as the reality is the truth. It just shows that I still have that hope and trust, I'm still stupidly naive...and oblivious, a weak stupid girl.

I think I am getting worse, rather than getting better.

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I think I'm going in to hysterical desperation.

I'm dreading Sunday. I feel stupid for it too, or rather I feel like I'm not supposed to feel like this based on what society says you are supposed to feel after being cheated on. I want him to talk to me, I wish he would beg me to take him back. beg for forgiveness and a second chance. I want everything to be made up to me. I want to be loved, and I want to be wanted. I want feel important. I want to be held, I want everything I never got from him no matter what. I want to be a strong person for me and for him. I want him to be happy and I want him to want me to be happy. I want to hear him say he would do anything for me me to be happy. I'm loyal to him, and knowing there is no point to it at the same time. I feel guilty for feeling that way, and wanting all these things...and heartbroken knowing he's going that makes it practically impossible...regardless of what he's done to me.

And about everything else, I can't feel normal either. Even when I'm being productive. I hate sitting there, thinking what the fuck is the point? I'm so confused, everything I'm thinking contradicts something else. I don't have a clear vision anymore of exactly what is happening to me, or why, or where I'm going. I can't put my finger on a single idea, because it just disappears into oblivion of what the fuck is going on? No matter what I try, I can't get a grip, or control how I want to think, and what I want to do, how I want to face the situation. My tool kit, and anything I had gained is completely failing. I keep trying things and doing stuff, and it's not working. Nothing is in my control at all. What the fuck is happening to me?

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The Dodos - Winter
Ladyhawke - Magic
22-20s - Such a Fool
Yo La Tengo - Stockholm Syndrome
The Frames - Sad Song
Kings Of Leon - Crawl
Woodpigeon - Cities of Weather
Woodpigeon - Piano Pieces for Adults
Noah And The Whale - Rock And Daggers
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps

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Because I have to stay busy...I've been going through all the old photos and organizing them. Interestingly enough...when I was a little kid I was very emotional about other people. If someone got hurt, or if I hurt them, even if they weren't crying, I'd cry and cry. I couldn't stand the thought of other people being unhappy or suffering. It used to make me ill, literally. Even now, I don't want anyone to be sad, angry or upset. And if it's my fault I feel I must fix it, even with total strangers. Clearly I'm the same person...I can't stand the thought that I was so boring, or that I didn't try hard enough in the beginning or the middle of the relationship for it to lead to where it did. Was I really that easy to let go of? What the hell did I do wrong to let that happen? And now I can't even fix it.

I also feel generally stupid. That I didn't notice. What the hell was I thinking, doing? Was I so completely stupid to be that oblivious? I also feel ashamed and angry at myself, for giving up and letting myself get shut down when I did try to reach out early on in the the relationship, that I denied my needs for so long too. That I kept thinking something magical would happen and the imaginary guy would appear.

Sometimes I think about the things I'm thinking a feel a little bit loopy. Like I'm losing control of what I'm thinking, wild thoughts spin around up there. I keep going over it again in my mind...trying to understand how the one person I thought was the only person in the world I could trust, betrayed me. It just seems so amazingly unbelievable to me, so I keep looking for things that explain it. It just seems if he had told me right after, we may have broken up, but at least it would still have been based on honesty and that trust wouldn't have been violated so wretchedly.The circumstances make it all the more fantastical. The cruelty of letting me say and think things that were never going to happen, scolding me, and picking me up and then dropping me, how at the end I had try to force some kind of apology ...

Like I said, I'd made a couple different routes, plans for myself depending on the outcome of the situation. So that if indeed the worst case scenario panned out, I'd still be on some sort of track. So I'm still doing things, looking for jobs, thinking about schools, preparing for classes, sticking to a routine...but at this point everything still seems pointless. I just can't really make sense of anything. I have no drive to feel anything about anything I'm doing. I want to feel happy about things, and hopeful, but I can't seem to grasp those positive feelings.

That and of course the waves of emotions washing over me unexpectedly when I can't be numb anymore.

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Ultimately it would not cure me. In fact there is no cure.

When the shock wore off, I found out that my values, or morals, or everything that makes up me, isn't enough for other people, or rather they don't utilize it to their means, and it can easily be tossed aside. I realized that that those things were really all I had going for me. Yes going to school, and going to Australia are things I want to do, but not me. So if those things are all I'm worth, and those things failed to do what I wanted them to do for me, then what was/is the point? That's when I started to feel worthless. Like I could abandon all my values and morals, because they didn't matter anyway, they're useless no one wants them or needs them. If I'm really worth something then people should be lining up. That sounds conceited, but it just means that I really don't believe in myself at all. Or I lost sight completely of what I gained in a short few weeks, before I knew the truth. Then I lost my innocence about what I thought a relationship was. I never knew how painful it was when someone is cruel to you. I thought a relationship was was supporting someone to be the best person they can be. James didn't take advantage of that, and Jordan couldn't. Not even just that, but people aren't going to be trustworthy, people aren't going to be honest, like me. Or they aren't going to want to hear what I have to say about me either. I can't make/change/wait for someone to be that person either. So what is the point of relationships? Why put so much emphasis on caring about them, when I'll never get what I actually want out of one? Why not just floosy around? Isn't that what people do when they feel that way? It's normal. But I'm saying no, because just as much as I don't see the point of relationships anymore...I know that it won't make it better either way.

I know it's a very narrow-minded view point for a 24 year old who's only been in two serious relationships. But that's just the thing. I have only had two serious relationships. I've never been a floosy, I never had anything to do with boys or what they really want in high school. I never had the practice. So when this happened to me it was all the more traumatizing, because I hadn't been hardened. I've always been open hearted. But now I'm not anymore. I am hardened and I'm turning into what I don't want to be, the more I resist becoming angry and try to forgive, the more numb I get. What's worse is I'm terrified of becoming what Jordan has become, even though I know abandoning my morals and values is exactly what would lead me to becoming that person. That is why I said no...and dropped the idea.

Everyone is rushing me along to 'hate him, get over it, you'll find someone better'...and I'm not facing how much pain I'm in. I just keep going and doing shit and just saying to myself, keep going, you have to, because you can't just lie on the floor, you're supposed to be worth something. People who are worth something don't wallow around in self pity, they do shit and just move on. But the pain, it sneaks up on me, or worse wriggles around in my numbness tempting me to forget anything about the me I used to know.

Everything I am going through, is exactly what was spoken in therapy. I kept saying, it's over thank god, no more secrets. But really there was a lot more pain to come. A lot more realizations to come. This surprised me. She knew instantly the moment I walked in the room and started saying those things. She challenged me and brought it out in me. I'm still working through it. I can't make split decisions and move forward I've realized that is exactly what my mom and sisters do. I need to work through it. And going through the temptation of abandoning my morals, and meeting a stranger for sex was a test I had to face...it came at an interesting time. But I stuck to my guns, and stood fast against an extremely persistent person. I knew that it wasn't going to be a cure, just another band aid. There is no cure, or no cure that someone else can provide.

The previous post was desperation, and written in the depths of exploration...and I'm sure there is more to come of that. I need people to talk to me about it, force me to think about it, until it's beaten to death.

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I guess this is what happens when you're in shock. Can't really find meaning in anything. Everything seems pretty pointless.

When everything you thought you knew about yourself, thought you knew about people, believed in, trusted in, had faith in...is completely upside down, you become a gutted mechanical creature. You do the stuff you have to do, but you don't know why.

I feel completely disconnected from myself, like I could go through with this option I would never think about doing in a prior perspective, tonight. Wreckless encounters. Australia seems to be the only thing keeping me from tipping. That and the routine of work.

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The following is a culmination (edited for readability) of what I wrote in my wish journal since last monday.
"In my dreams, imaginary ghost guy shows up at my house. He says he's sorry over and over. He can't believe that even now he cannot give himself to me, but that he wants to. He'd do anything to make it work, make it up to me. That he'd try to fall in love with me, a second chance. That he knows I'm the only one with the patience, that could give him that chance to grow. 'You're amazing', 'good job', 'you'll be great at that'. I'm not saying I wasn't encouraged, but this imagninary ghost guy wants to speak those words to me. Even though we go our separate ways, he wants me to know he cares, that he misses me, he'll think about me, and what he's lost, he's riddled with guilt over his actions. He's worried he'll do it again to other people, and not just me, that I won't be the only one to feel like this under his stone. Somewhere down the line I've grown, I'm put into action my empathy and forgiveness...we speak again. It's explained why there was so much holding back, what the real reasons were we were void of certain things. To what end it doesn't matter, but that affirmation that I was an important person is acknowledged, that I'm not forgotten."

Australia
Since I was 14 I've wanted to go, and now I'm doing it. A dream I had before falling love. Something completely unrelated to boys and relationships...it will be a vacation of the mind, as much as a vacation from LA. I hope it jumpstarts something in me...but I also worry it won't. I've said this for a while now, you are the same person no matter where you go. Why therapy is so important to me. To become the better person I know I can be, for me.

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I'm sick of being in love with a person that never existed, and never will. I'm tired of going over and over in my head the mean things that were said. I'm soooo over wondering if I did something wrong before December. I'm done being haunted by images of SFV and Simi, and the Southwest and Texas.

Now I want to abandon all my morals and values. I want to drink till I can't stand... I might not even be opposed to sleeping with someone I just met. And I don't feel bad about it either. I want burn a strangers clothes off with my eyes. I want someone to actually respond and reciprocate now. I want them to want me so bad it hurts. I want someone to fasten my wrists to a wall.

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I wrote the following passage, on March 10th. I never sent it, because I gave Jordan the benefit of the doubt. I trusted he wouldn't need to know all these things, because he already did, and just needed time to realize it. How wrong was I? This is before I knew the truth. This would have been something to say if we had communicated how unhappy we were, before events in December. If we were both committed to moving the relationship forward, back then. Now rereading it, I just feel stupid.

SO I think I'm worth a lot. I'm loyal. I don't cheat. I don't lie. I'm not mean. I avoid drama. I like to be uncomplicated. I can communicate. I'm punctual and reliable. I have an endless amount of forgiveness, understanding, tolerance and patience. I'm incredibly self aware, and in touch with my emotions. I'm honest, and not afraid to voice my opinions. I can have intelligent conversations. In many ways I'm wise. I'm creative. I'm goofy and I don't take myself too seriously, so I'm laid back. I'm not an airhead, all the time. I have a good sense of humor. I'm pretty. I care about my body and being healthy. I'm not generic. I'm true to myself. I'm always looking for ways to make myself a better person. I want to know things, and I do know a lot of things. I like learning. I have values. I'm committed. I'm open to change. I'm open to new experiences, and new places. I want to work through things. I like companionship.

Are all those things something you are willing to give up? Are you willing to take that risk? Yes it's true that sometimes I lose my path, and that I have recently. But I'm still growing up. I'm still learning who I am. I'm allowed to make mistakes, to get lost, and to find my way out. That is life. I'm sure as hell awake now.

I can understand if you're scared, or if you're stressed out. I can even understand taking a break. But it's either you're in or you're out, for the good and the bad. There are negatives, and will be doubtful, stressful times, but that will be in every relationship. Are my positives really worth giving up? Because frankly I don't think they are. I think I'm unique and special. I think we fit great. I always have. I think I'm the best person to come along in your life. Our relationship was a foundation, that I always looked to for strength and safety because it was the best thing going for me. And I believe you are the best person to come along in my life, because you challenge me. Now I want it, and so much more for myself. But the pain I've been going through of feeling abandoned, despite great strides in personal awareness is excrutiating and I don't want to go through it again.

Are the negatives really enough to tip the scale of being in love with me, to just loving me? It's hard to imagine that we could get along so well, and it be so easy for you to take that risk. I'm not saying that you're happy, I'm sure you're miserable or that this decision was easy. But was it a long time coming, because if it was then then it's true you've given up AND maybe it did take something like this to really shake up the relationship, get it back on track, but I don't want it to be over, and I don't believe it is.

Please understand I don't mean to threaten or pressure you. I'm not even angry. I'm protecting myself, because I'm worth more then this. I'm worth more then just waiting around for you to decide if I'm worth keeping around.

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Twilight is the worst time of day. I've never liked it. Now it just signals a coming night of pain and sleeplessness.

Today's LA Times Horoscope for Aries: Denying how you really feel won't help anyone, especially not you. Let your feelings fuel your passion.

At least, like I said I'm used to the wanting not to be alone, so the sadness is quite different. It's less panicked, and confused, because of clarity about what really happened, and on account of the getting used to the idea that it could very well be over during the separation. Although I wanted the phone call, hearing his voice may have been more painful then what he actually said. His voice is what I grew to love in the beginning because it was all I had of him at first.

Regardless of what happened in the past 5 months, I had to love something about him...enough to be satisfied anyway. But I also realized today that I feel like I'm in love with what I wanted Jordan to be, and what I always hoped he'd be to me. In other words all the things I needed, but were never there. For two years I was was waiting too, for something that wouldn't happen. So not only am I in love with a ghost, but also an imaginary Jordan. On the phone I still found myself not able to quite able to admit to myself that it's over, because of my feelings for this ghost and imaginary person.

It still doesn't make it any easier.

What also bothers me, is that I lost sight of all that hope I built in myself. Or maybe it was false hope, because I was doing it with the belief that we'd get back together, always in the back of my mind. Ultimately, those beliefs were completely false on so many levels. Although I'm relieved this saga is over, it still brings me back to just me again. The possibilities are still endless, nothing has changed. But I don't feel as positive about it anymore.

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I hate him for he's done to me, mostly because I can't sleep. If I could sleep at least I'd have some solid hours of peace. I could be angry all day, but at least during sleep I'd have some respite. I still come back around to thoughts of why, and those will never go away and I hate him for that too. I hate that was so mean throughout the whole thing. I hate that I'm going to miss him. I hate that I'm blaming myself. I hate that I can't get it into my head that he should be the only one who is sorry. I hate that he doesn't love me anymore. I hate so much. I get so angry at night. I hate that I can't find relief, and everyone's words roll off me. I hate that I'm scared again, when I had so much hope in myself before. I hate that I'm used to being alone, or rather I'm used to the feeling of wanting not to be alone. I hate crying my eyes are swollen. I hate the weird knot in my chest that I can't purge myself of. I hate so much. I hate that nothing makes me feel better. I hate that the TV doesn't distract me anymore. I hate that I can't get warm, I can't stay cool. I hate fall asleep for an hour and waking up for the next 2. I hate that my neck hurts. I hate that night time is so long. I hate that I can't see that this is the best thing to happen to me. I hate the memories. I hate wondering what I was doing while he was with her. I hate wondering about what he will do with his life. I hate caring about whether or not he is going to be a better person. I hate that he gets to escape. I hate that he's successful. I hate that I'm not. I hate feeling like I have nothing going for me. I HATE EVERYTHING. I hate not being happy. I hate hating.

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No more.
I guess it helped.
No more questions, now just pain and dead insides for a while. That's my first step, let it all out.

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I don't know if I'm more hurt because he didn't take advantage of the things I had to offer, like supporting someone through their darkest moments. Or that he maybe still a liar. Or maybe he just stopped loving me. I really think he doesn't care at all about me, at this point I just can't see it any other way. I feel even more disrespected. I'm still not worth enough to him to apologoize to my face. That's all I really want, I need closure.

It's not fair, that he gets to go off and start a new life, and no one will know about his past. He can ignore it, there won't be any more triggers for him. I don't wish his life to be of suffering, that's the worst part. Everyone wants him to be lonely and sad, I want him to be the better person, and grow. Now if he does that, he'll be gone and someone else will get the better Jordan, and I'll be stuck with memories of what could have been, what he did to me, and what is going to happen to me now because of his choices. It's not fair.

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i want to know once and for all, so stuff can stop coming out of the woodwork, and this stops being dragged on and on and on...it's like bloody tiger woods. my heart has been broken 20 times by now. I want it all at once, to be done and over.

OMG no wonder I've been acting like a pyscho path, my time of the month. At least I'm not pregnant. TMI?

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im so angry and sad and disgusted i just want to sleep forever and not dream i want to know the truth and i want everyone to leave me the fuck alone cause i give up on people how can people so mean how did i not know am i stupid i never want to love anyone again they just fuck you up and destroy anything good no one is happy how dopeople lie and do this to the people they love there isnt such a thing

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bleeding to death dream.

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am i the only person left on this planet with any integrity?

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sigh...too much. For so long.

Human hearts are also full of monstrous ways to be cruel and unfair too. I feel like I have been living for 8 weeks wondering if I am responsible for someone's death. Only to find out that I am I not, but that person died months earlier, and I love a ghost.

I just want to feel whole again, want to be held again, sleep well again. I shouldn't have been placed in this position of wondering if I can ever get there again. I thought tears were behind me...shouldn't I be angry?

I guess I'm still in shock that he could be so mean to me, blame me, and let me live like this for so long. How people can live in a constant state of conflict is beyond me. It's what is wrong with humans, no one wants to make things work, make things right, work together. He should be trying everything to make peace, with himself and those he's hurt. Especially me, it is the decent thing to do. The honest thing to do.

Maybe I am projecting myself too much...but I feel like I deserve answers, and so much more. Deserve decency for once. I deserve to feel good about myself.

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It's amazing what the human heart is capable of. I think I probably have the strongest heart of anyone I've ever met. And I've been looking for something to be proud of. It was there all the time beating me in the chest, literally. I love myself for it. My heart is open even now. Fully of empathy. Full of honesty. My heart is open minded, full of forgiveness and void of prejudice. I can communicate those qualities, and even better I can support everyone to be the best people they can be because of that fullness. And to do that is being true to myself. Feeling I genuinely helped someone through something, to be the best person they can be is what makes me happy. That is what I need, I want, that is the person I want to be, and I feel like I am the best person I can be when I can do that for someone. And I do not feel bad about that anymore. It's one of the best things I can offer, and why I'm worth so much.

Of course I lose my way sometimes, but when I come back to those foundations, I am the most happy. And I truly believe everyone can become that person within themselves, if they have an open heart, are honest, and can communicate. Try it sometime.

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No weird dreams this morning. But I still wake up with an upset tummy, like a painful poison, and a hurt feeling from being alone in bed, wondering if I'm wrecked for other relationships, curious to know why there was so much holding back, and general shock, that I was considered more like a lamp that stopped working.

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It's amazing when even more of what you thought to be true isn't. Even more of what I had sooooo much faith in is and was completely the opposite. I put up such a defense against what everyone else was saying, and they were all right. What I was led to believe in was a complete lie through and through. I wonder for how long.

I deserve so much more then this. I really though the best, I really did.

I have a lot of forgiveness...I really do.

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Are there pills you can take to stop dreaming?

Did I try hard enough?

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It's really hard to wake up in the morning, whereas before I was up at 4am most days. Now I have to peel myself from the blankets, like a digustin bruised banana. This morning floating in and out of sleep I dreamt, that
Jordan came to my house late, and slept in my bed, so I woke up sleeping next to him in my dream.

The way certain symbols and dreams have been coming and going in my life, it's hard to ignore them. It's like something wants me to listen deeper. Jordan's drawer, a black cat, 3X5 cards with wow things on them, are all triggers, but I'm talking about things that seem to coincide so completely with what is actually happening in reality. The first day, I discovered one of the strings I made for his ankle, on the floor, torn. Around the 2nd to last week, the string on my wrists started to fray. I tied more on, didn't matter. Two days before the 15th and after the Sunday, I had the nightmare dream.

Sadly the dream I had this morning...I don't think that has anything to do with reality, but maybe something more to do with my wants.

PS. If I hadn't operated based on the past, if I wasn't afraid, if I wasn't living my life based on perameters, I would have said 'I love you' everday.

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Heart break doesn't kill you.

It just slows you down, makes you forget yourself, floods you with poison that destroys you slowly, but it goes away. Time is all I need. I don't apologize for being so emotional. There are a lot of things going on in me. And this is the first time I've had my heart broken, it probably won't be the last, but firsts are always hard. I've never suffered a great loss like this, no deaths in the family, nothing really emotionally intense. Breaking up with James was nothing like this, because it was me doing it. I was in Jordan's place, knowing this was for the best, and I could never ask James to be who he wasn't.

My blog is the only place I can really explode all my emotions, without overloading the people closest to me. It makes me feel like I'm putting everything out there, instead of bottling it up inside of me. It helps me heal. And I'm healing...I will be healing for a while. There are just very dark moments I'm going through right now. I'll swing back around to having hope and faith, but this time in myself more and what I can do.

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There are three things:
-Missing Jordan, and all the great things the companionship, and feeling that I failed him/didnt try hard enough, that he won't miss me, and going off to do everything without me.
-Feeling completely isolated, and alone, wanting someone to hold me, feeling betrayed and unwanted, that I'm not enough.
-Which leads to feeling like I have no idea who the hell I am, and being terrified of my future, which is why this whole saga started.

When I can't cry, I feel worse. Because it's like an oily depression of not wanting the consciousness. I can't cheer myself up, and I can't hit the bottom and purge. It's just there rolling around in my head like vomit of the brain that won't come out.

Everything seems pointless, and yesterday when I started crying while I was distracted at an event really freaked me out. Because it means the sadness is started to break through my 'keep busy to forget' coping mechanism.

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you cannot love others, and others cannot love you, if you do not love yourself first.

i'm doing laundry, and still cannot put anything in the dresser drawer where Jordan's things used to be.

there are triggers everywhere.

i know it wouldn't have lasted now, and that this is the best thing for both of us , but it's horrible. its horrible to be dropped no matter the circumstances. i only feel relatively peaceful for about 20 minutes before it all comes back in some way, usually its with tears.

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I'm scared I didn't try hard enough. I'm scared Jordan doesn't miss me, even though it's ridiculous to think he shouldn't and should. I'm scared I'll end up alone. I'm scared of feeling like this forever.

In fact that's what I am a giant scaredy cat. All my issues go back to fear.

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There are some things that do not need to be made public, since I am in no control of who can access this blog, and have come to realize many people probably could. I refuse to paint a picture on my behalf, since there are two sides to every story. So I have removed some more personal posts I had had here recently.

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Even now if I were to show up...even if he weren't totally annoyed/disgusted/disappointed...whatever the case maybe...

...even now, it's clear that I'm unstable as an individual. If anything I need to be alone. I have to be, to survive. I need to be relationshipless for a good long while.

Who knows what will happen 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years from now. Maybe I'll find love again, maybe I'll find Jordan again even. I feel like soul mates really are in each other all along. By then the world might blow up, or I might be strong and new, and reborn.

But right now, it really has to be me. Even though I want to jump out of my skin. It's extremely uncomfortable. It's exactly what Dr. says, now is the time for you.

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I cried myself to sleep and I actually slept. I purged and it relaxed my body. But I woke up and vomited almost immediately.

I failed him. Even if we operated differently. I failed him, because I lost myself. I never was a self. Now he won't miss me. Now he'll forget me. He'll go off and do all the things we were supposed to do together. All the things I suggested. And I'm stuck here without a self. Because I'm skin, I have no idea who I am anymore. I think someone is diving their hand into my ribs and twisting.

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Even now he still has my heart. He probably always will have a piece. There had to have been something there for me to be this lost. A cycle of anger, fear, loss and broken hearted pain. I miss eating and sleeping, and feeling secure. Now I'm on my own for real, everything had been stripped of me, hope and faith, there's nothing left but skin. At least I was set on a plan. At least I have that. But there is no excitement, no security, no love in that plan. Just me, and vast expanse of time.

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it feels like someone is jumping up and down on my chest. literally. its physically the worst feeling I've ever had.

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I think I'm grasping at straws. Trying to justify the pain. But there is no justification. Its horrible. It happened, it is what it is, and it's so damn painful. My tummy is killing me. I'm so scared, and worried that I've ruined everything. I can't like function, all I can think about is pain and aloneness. Desperation. I'm so worried I'll never do anything with my life, that I lost my chance. That I'm too scared to be a real person.

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I needed to be lifted up. I needed the support, which I was never going to get. And it was no ones fault, just a difference in operation. But now I'm completely isolated, and everything I've been working for feels pointless.

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where do i go from here. i'm suddenly scared. really really scared.

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I just want someone to hold me. Not even my own mother will. I feel so alone, its hurting me so much. I cannot sleep...I haven't for a week now. I cannot eat, I haven't for weeks now. I feel completely isolated and destroyed, and like there is no more light at the end of the tunnel.

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Now it's broken. The poison is now a crack.
All my hopes, all my faith.
All the string, the ribbons, they frayed.
I trusted. I believed. In something that was never going to be again.

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Do you remember those saffron cliffs? Where the milk cup brimmed full? When it rained inside of me? Green darts pierced my heart with eros. They still do. I've shattered rock hard fears, there are no more. And searing blue memories are reborn under my skin. Only ribbons, thousands of ribbons.

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Pebbles in my lungs, but magic in my belly.

Wings on my heart, and honey in my veins.

Blue moons on my skin, and a lotus in my hand.

Hope in my eyes, and faith on my brow.

Demons knock on my neck, but possibilities mingle between my fingertips.

String on my wrist, and water my under soles.

Ocean spray through my hair, and woodland whispers in my ear.

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The dog star rises above a stony landscape. Amongst the hard places, the water still goes, in any path that it may take. Under it's soft sounds, a tiger is waking. Amber eyes veiled in blue evening light, with Orange stripes bound together by string. Not as wise as the moon yet, but filled up with certitude.

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