It's been a while...i'm finding i am in another writing hole. I want to write i just have nothing to write about. And when i force myself everything that comes out is shite. I suppose i could be utterly boring and write about what's going on in my life. Well there's a little tib bit i could share:
I write to a lifer at Pelican Bay state prison through a program on campus. I have not recieved any correspondance back; i grow increasingly anxious about it everyday. His introductory letter was not what i expected, only because i had no what to expect from an inmate. I think secretly deep down i thought it would say stuff about killingand raping people. Rather the letter was eloquent and the hand writing superb. Goes to show how deep stereotyping runs.

Read more...

Do you ever get so scared all of a sudden because you feel your turning into your parents day by day and it seems unstoppable? It's not that i dont lvoe my parents and consider them great people-it's just one learns the qualities he/she does not like. Then when you've found out that those same qualities have been instilled in you it's scary becuase you always promised yourself you would be different. More on this soon...

Read more...

The lantern lights are casting that pink grapefruit light again in our room. This time the open window lets in the cold arctic air being blown along the polar jet stream. I’m wrapped up in a gray blanket, sitting-my legs stretched out crossed in front of me on our double bed. My fingers walk along him restlessly. I wonder sometimes what they would do if they weren’t joined to my hands. The murmuring television sounds from the living room filter through the thin walls. It smells like breathing and linens. He’s propped up on one elbow, and he smiles at me. I remember. What we talked about and what we did. More reassuring though are the seal-like eyes that are looking at me. I have never seen the woody eyes look like this before. It might be the lighting and the tone of the face they are set in. No I have noticed them before-they are something new from the past couple of days. I go over it all again, everything is calmer now like gentle autumn sunsets. In the end it has produced a new perspective. Now when I look at him I feel like I have dug something jewel studded out of a cobwebbed mine that I already excavated a long time ago. I suppose I am enjoying the moths that it seems to awaken in my tummy. I seem to be sleepier now; as if all there was to do was lie here and eventually just fall asleep.

Read more...

i literally dont know what to write...im completely freaked out about where my life is going. The only thing that makes sense is the way i feel when i get home after work or school and he's there. It's like all i need is him and us and going places. Honestly it feels like all i need is something that simple. Everything else im doing doesnt really make any sense at all. I have no idea where im going with this place, the things im doing. And the more i go froward trying to just work through it to get to some idea of what i want the more i am confused. Im devoting myself to someone, so i guess i need to devote myself to something? It just seems that everytime i try to i fail. Nothing comes naturally to me...nothing sparks so much passion in me to want to work at it. I just like everything, i dont love one thing enough. i need a calling, i need a passion, i need a gift, i need to get over myself.

Read more...

I've never had this feeling before. I mean I've had times where I didn't feel like I was really walking around, times I felt like it wasn't me and I was watching TV or something. My brain had that whole "someone else do the thinking for you" thing. But this is different, I actually feel like I cant tell if I am awake or not. Maybe when it settles in I'll realize I'm awake, this is all real he's there looking at me and making me laugh. Right now I feel like when I walk home he wont be there that I was asleep the entire time. I don't feel quite to aware as I normally do and I wonder why that is. Maybe I just need to do something really physically rigorous to wake my body up and translate the energy to my mind. He says he feels the same way though. I know I'm happy, there's nothing I am worried about its just I am in a complete state of shock. I had been waiting so long that I just became used to the waiting. And now that I don't have to anymore, and that place of waiting is empty, I have to wait for something to settle in there and make me believe. Maybe when I get used to him being here with me all the time it will settle in...We shall see....

Read more...

He said, "Hey does anyone feel comfortable sharing some sort of personal experience like this?"
I had no idea what he was referring to. I hadnt been listening. But the older woman in the class (who always talks mind you) raised her hand. He picked on her and she told us that she used to do a lot of folk dancing. One time she danced from 9 till 5 in the morning without hardly stopping and the next day she was tired but she felt complete love for everyone she talked to. How she felt as if after dancing she was the best person she could ever be.
I guess it interested me enough to pass along the little anecdote to my blog. I sat in class after and tried to think of a time when i felt similar. But i could remember anything specific just that i knew i felt that way at some point. I guess i felt happy because i loved everything not because i was just happy in general. Because i know i could say im happy in general all the time, like the mountain under the snow metaphor i used a while ago. But this is different. This is when you have uncontrolable joy, there's no other way to describe it. If anyone out there has some sort of specific experience like this i'd like to know.

Read more...