I guess I just want to say that I've avoided writing here. Maybe it's because I know no one will read this, so I don't feel like there's much point. Maybe it's because I haven't exercised the creative tendons of my writing muscle, therefore anything that I would write would consist of boring pros.
So here we go with the boring pros...
I've mentioned my current position as a cultural resources intern, and now I would like to bitch about tall the things that are wrong with it. First the bureaucracy causes the entire office to be in shambles, no one seems to know for sure what is going on, where things are... it's my number one pet peeve about office environments. I guess I'm just OCD about organization. So along with this umbrella observation that the entire office isn't up to par, I've spent multiple hours entering archival information into a program called procite. And it's entirely inconsistent, and most likely impossible for anyone but my boss to search properly. And my boss last but not least, is old, fat...probably abides by one shower a month policy. He's pretty condescending, and his sarcasm sends mixed signals, nor can he really figure out my personality, because he always takes what I say the wrong way. In other words this creates miscommunication, and a lack of trust. My boss Gina at the business department and I clicked. We worked well, and often times I hardly found need for guidance. But most of the time with Phil, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, how deep into the research I'm doing for this Chesebro project needs to be? Can I strike out on my own? Hundreds of issues...
Mostly this just creates a lack of want to be doing anything for this guy, hence the reason I'm taking an extra long lunch and bitching about it. In the end I just feel like until I find something I am comfortable doing and good at I won't ever be dedicated to it. Thats the thing, when I applied for this internship, I thought I could slip easily into a place I would enjoy. Thats the thing, I'm totally qualified I'm just missing the connection with my boss. And it's causing me to fall back into my lack of real passion about the stuff I'm doing.
In another note...
Do you have have days you wish you could just erase from existence. I want to erase Thursday - Sunday, or rather reverse my behavior then. Whenever I get my period i start to hermit myself off mentally sometimes physically from jordan, like staying home. I dont want to do or be the way I was with James to him. in other words I want to spare him my awfulness. I guess this week has just been extra hard because of the stress of not liking my work situation and having to sit out on everyone going off to Vegas to have fun this weekend. olgas in russia too. so literally thats it... books tv walks...bleh....
Another thing I notice is that I get lonely super fast. i guess thats the thing i miss most about living with someone. its funny though, the constant feeling of not feeling alone. However i dont see myself living with anyone easily anymore after my first try lol now im all cynical about it.
i guess ultimately what im getting at is i wish the way jordan showed me attention was different. he shows me a lot, he does a lot for me. but i operate with words, he uses actions to show his attention. so we constantly have miscommunication and mistranslation. like i love that he took me camping. but if he said 'i had a great time camping because you were there', Or 'i wish you could go to vegas, i'm going to miss you soo much', I would somehow feel so much happier. its ridiculous.
ts retarded that I cant just see how much he loves me through the way he communicates it, instead of being so demanding about him actually saying affirmations. i could tell he purposefully made the camping happen to make up for my loss of going to vegas this weekend. and im soooo unappreciative about it, when that should be an extremely meaningful thing to me. he knows my top priority is going places, and he made that small effort to make sure i got a trip too. but when he started packing to go vegas i turned into this little retarded kid, walking around all mopey and stupid at bowling, and just generally being annoying. i feel literally embarrassed about it. anyways last night i got my period and settled down. usually after my period starts, my pissyness turns off, but not this time. the next four days, anytime I talked to him on the phone, I got so angry and jealous. It was ridiculous, all the way up until sunday.
I hate myself for how I acted towards Jordan regarding Vegas. He needs his own life, I need my own life. It's completely normal for me to not have to be with him all the time, and for him to be having fun without me, and it's not because he doesn't love me, but because thats whats supposed to happen. But somehow no matter how many times I tell myself to stop being a fucking retard, I get supremely jealous. The feeling of being left out is overpowering. Now I have this deep gut feeling that I don't want to be around him. It's strange. I can't tell if its my childish side saying, 'you want to see what its like not to be wanted', to try to get back at him for not wanting me there. Although he wasn't trying to be cruel his words flattened me, like he was slowly using a rolling pin on my doughy body. They hurt, and I just sat there silent. Absorbing that I'm not the center of attention. It's silly as hell.
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