It's almost blossom season. Everyday I drive down woodland I imagine what its going to be like in only a couple months...and even beyond that when it's so damn lush you can't see the houses.

Every warm day I think about how much hotter it could get, is going to get. I can feel the way the air cradles you here, and will eventually become a suffocating heat.

I saw a California plate finally, on a big old jeep. I even saw an Oregon plate shortly after.

I secretly want to be a bee keeper, amongst many other professions.

Do I feel like I live in Nashville? I don't know how to answer that question. I am picking up quite a bit of southerness, but I think I am pretty much used to the differences, which are extremely subtle.

Strange to think I've only been here for a couple months now, and I've adapted. I suppose in many ways that's why I came, it felt right and it still feels right. I'm wondering if eventually down the line when I become even more permanent, whether I'll feel unrest again....mostly in regards to the 'what am i doing with myself'. A lot of exploration going on still, but right now I'm pursuing the independence from anyone, even if it doesn't fall under some specific 'career' path. I haven't abandoned the library...but there are lots of things I want too, along with that and even first. I realize I'm actually more qualified for things and jobs than I gave myself credit for, mostly because I see myself differently, and through this temp job I've learned that.

Exploration...a lot of self exploration goes on in your 20s, and I officially started mine last summer. I'd say visiting Sydney was the inaugural event. Things moved fast, and here I am in Nashville. A year ago I was stick in the mud, and then I was a stick at the bottom of a pile of rocks. But I've done a lot and my journey is not over. Exploration through experience. I have the most amazing support unit around me now it's beyond anything I could ask for, and I don't think I'll realize how important and influential this new type of support is, and the residual effects will be. That's not a dis to anyone in LA, it's just different.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm exploring, and that I'm still growing up. I'm quite hard on myself. I project extremely high expectations based on comparison with other people, while letting the things that are really important go unnoticed. Always a scaredy cat for no reason. I'm slowly overcoming that though, and although it may always be something I have to deal with, through experience and time I'll be able to deal with it more.

And so in light of this, I realize how happy I am because of that optimism. So many wonderful people in my life and things to look forward to.

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It takes a lot to really get your mind in a 'I can do anything' place. The small successes, the small lessons I have to make a big deal out of...again, brick by brick. Nothing is ever as scary as it seems. It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. I often wondered for a long time, how other people went about their lives seemingly able to fit here and there easily, often thinking I could never do that. But I think I just put myself down so much that I never really noticed the things I can do. The mid 20s are a strange time. There are some things you can only learn after by aging, and being mindful. The more I'm kept on my toes, challenging myself, facing my fears, the more likely I am to grow. I'm very happy about this.

I'm so happy actually. I know that's something people aren't supposed to run around saying, 'oh she's only saying that to convince other people, but she should just be worried about what she thinks' but fuck that. I'm going to say what I want, and I really am. When I get out of work it's usually right around sunset, and more often than not it's cloudy, or snowing, or something dismal. But today was quite gorgeous. The clouds were rolling across the sky in neatly parted rows, of pink and gold. I prefer to drive straight through downtown, and I quite love the tiny urban center, even the nashvegas part. I'm so looking forward to spring, when all the sleeping gray and brown plants come back to life. I haven't been here during the lush months. And of course with those months will come the heat, the bugs, and I'll be dying for winter again...maybe.

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I've never so looked forward to a weekend in a long time. I could really go days working at KCC, but this Temp job...bleh. Okay, to be fair the work itself consists of processes very similar to KCC, busy work for the most part, which I happen to enjoy. But it's the environment. Also being called out for a 'short skirt' was pretty laughable. I've heard some pretty terrible things about the supervisor from the other employees, so thank god it is a temp job. I suppose that's the attraction; you will leave. If I thought it was the right fit I could apply for this as a permanent position, but from what I've seen at Vanderbilt, I could find a better option. And so yes, when this is terminated, and the open position filled, I'll be shuffled on to the next assignment. But of course, there is no security, and for the moment I can afford that option, at least for a few more months. I did apply for the most perfect apartment ever, both unfortunately and fortunately I didn't get it. With the job not quite being a comfortable fit, I'm glad not to be in a lease. But I'm in line for the other unit that this guy has. I could talk more about this, but seeing as it didn't come to fruition I don't see much point.

Starting up a fulltime position hasn't been as peachy as I've made it sound. True to myself I was pretty much a mess on Monday night. Familiar doubts and what not crept in. Just a reminder you are who you are no matter where you go, a change has to be made in you for anything different to happen. I have a lot more hope and optimism though. Anyway sleepless nights couldn't really compete with a benadryl and the bestest boy ever!

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