I may have no rudder, but I'm happy. Forgive me, if I tread on something sensitive without thinking. I mean no harm, and am still exploring, soul searching, and discovering things about myself. I'm a little selfish right now. Whether I really am wearing blinders, is not something I think I'll know until after this phase.

It has not settled in that I will be boarding a 14 hour flight to another continent tomorrow night. Needless to say, that means the next couple weeks of blog posts will be all about Sydney! Maybe it will settle in, when I land and everyone has a different accent.

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I really don't like going backwards, but it happens. It is always going to happen, about something. There is no such thing as forever, about anything. Water changes , and it is changed too. Maybe I like travel (and I think I've written this before years ago) because there is no way to get stuck in one place, or with one person, or doing one thing. It's changing. Plus you encounter so much 'new' that you can hardly even focus on yourself. When I realized it was escapism, I started worrying (like I do) that this was a 'bad thing'. Rather, what my sister does, what my mum's side of the family does....avoids the situation in front of them. And when we do face those, we have no idea how the hell to handle it, end up feeling sorry for ourselves, end up irritable, end up screwing up. So we run away. So why not? Why shouldn't I want to get up and keep moving? I think I go backwards, when I'm not being distracted, when I'm not moving, when I'm not escaping in some sense...and I wonder, is this a bad thing? Does this mean I really haven't gained any ground at all in the first place, but rather I've just put on convenient blinders?

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More tids and bits

I surprise myself everyday, last night was no exception. I want to experience so many things without answering to anyone, while I'm young. I didn't think I wanted that before, and I'm still nervous and shy as shit, but I'm excited. I've got nothing to lose because it's what my heart wants. The freedom is new, scary and empowering and intoxicating.

The farther I reach in to the electronic genre...the more I want to get lost in European clubs, with who knows what kind of European sleaze.

"Doesn't every girl want to sleep with a motorcycle rider?" Haha boys are dumb.

I can't believe no one forced me to watch Terminator, I actually liked it.

Just a few weeks ago, I couldn't bare the thought of being on my own. Now I can't wait to live on my own, or not with an authoritative or influential figure...a roommate that doesn't talk or make noise would work out well.

Uploading pictures of mum in Amsterdam, doing 'those things' what you're supposed to do in Amsterdam is putting me to shame. Sometimes I don't feel like my mother's daughter, but the future is open!

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Thoughts from the journal

Beyond jaded, but I think I like people, and there are so many to get to know! I don't want to let anyone in, but I will in spite of myself, because that is who I am.

I think I could hurt a lot of people, but I could never hurt the stone, or maybe I did, but he never told me.

I can feel my blue skin dancing under the moon again, an ancient rumbling in my bones.

Sometimes I'm so excited I feel like I want to go every direction at once. I think though it's a symptom of not having a rock in your life. You're pulled in every direction, and with no reference point to make decisions the freedom can be a little overwhelming. But I like it, I like it a lot right now.

I've either driven by the airport or been at the airport 5 times in the past 24 hours, and the smell makes me want to fly. And guess what, I AM! In 6 Days (June 1) I leave, and 14 hours after that (June 3) I land. Yes I'm still coping with the fact that I will not exist on June the 2. Date lines are funny things.

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I'm interested in exploring. I want new experiences, a lot of them, all different varieties. I don't feel guilty about it anymore either.

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Feeling sure about yourself is wonderful.

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Remember this post

The past 24 hours have really proved to me, that I am a whole person. I don't need anyone else to tell me that either. I mean yes I discovered it because of other people, but I mean to say, I trust my heart. It knows exactly what it wants, and what it doesn't, and it's more powerful and wise than I will ever be. If I listen to it, I'll know exactly what to do, without fear, without regret, and it will be true to me.

My heart is still broken, still betrayed, still ill. I still cry, I still get moments of sheer panic, and extreme pain when I learn anything about the stone in the present...who he's 'defriended', a passing picture, etc. It is clear I'm still not over it, because of that pain. My heart has learned what it really wants, but is wise to know it's gone, and probably will never exist. A test had to be presented, to know for sure. I do know too now, my heart can be reawakened when the right time comes, but that time is not now, and definitely not with this easy way out. My heart knows there is a future in some weird sporadic, and forgiveness is possible.

Learning about the moon again, letting the waters run wild...digging in to my past, remembering blocked out memories...along with therapy and mum's absence, I've had little to no contact with the people who say I should be doing this, I should be doing that. Being on my own these past couple weeks, being just me...slowing down, listening to my heart, paying attention to what I want, not what anyone else thrusts upon me, their opinions or otherwise, has been the best thing I have done for myself in my entire life.

It's amazing what my the human heart is capable of, I cherish mine.

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I'm interested in my heart today, I have to pay special attention to it. I've got to teach it some logic, teach it to be brave, teach it to be patient. It must heal on it's own before it's allowed to grab on to anything else. Just because it is easy, because it is familiar, it doesn't mean it's fair...mind knows better, and will for a while. It's an easy way out. You are not ready.

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Yesterday...some bad news at work, definitely cracked my semi-stable peace I've gained. I went to pieces of course, and this time the feelings were older than all of this...years older. I went to the bathroom, to calm down. I knew my feelings were being exacerbated not only by recent events, but also because of hormones. I grew angry in that stall, thoughts jumped around in my head,'if he hadn't fucking done this I'd be in Austin'. Then I realized, sheesh, nothing that's going to happen to me can be half as bad as what I just went through. I mean unless like I get cancer or something. But nothing that happens to regular people on a day to day basis, can be half as bad. It's like I'm absolved of fear. It has nothing to do with whether or not I went to Austin, or didn't, no one elses fault but mine. I calmed down instantly. Just take things as they come, there's no reason to go to pieces when something goes poorly. Remember all the amazing things you do have, the things you could have, the people in your life, I hit the bottom, I know what it's like. I felt really proud of myself, really hopeful that I'm getting better day by day.

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Today...I came across something about the stone. I've taken a lot of steps to avoid 'eye slaps' BUT things still get through my fortress. When I saw this picture I felt like someone suddenly reached in the center of my chest and twisted with poison. I haven't felt the physical pain in a couple weeks, but it suddenly cropped up. Probably more sensitive due to hormones. But I'm just wondering how often this might happen to me in the future. If this type of pain will spring up over and over no matter where I go, who I'm with, or what I'm doing in life. It's horribly crippling. My breathe goes shallow, and the back of my throat tightens up, and I can't even pin point thoughts in my head.

There are so many great things happening to me, so many opportunities in my future, I have amazing people in my life, I'm experiencing so many happy and fun and exciting moments. I'm doing what I want to do, and feeling really good about myself in many ways. But it's still there. I'm still heartbroken, and I still have ridiculous notions.

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I'm so sick of this conversation.

"Where's your boyfriend?"
"He dumped me."
"WHAT???! Wait...what, he dumped you? I always thought it would be the other way around. What an idiot. What happened?"
"It's kind of disgusting."
"What do you mean?"
"Blamed me for the break up, implied we'd get back together, only to announce he was moving. Then his friends threatened to rat him out, if he didn't tell me the truth, which is that he cheated on me in December multiple times, and was too cowardly to tell me."
"WTF...are you serious. I'm shocked! What a retard, wow I always knew he was an asshole, I never really liked him. Don't worry I always thought you could do so much better, you were selling yourself short."

You think you're shocked? How the hell do you think I feel. Yes it's so easy for you to say he's and idiot asshole when you don't really know the reasons behind any of his horrendous behaviors. Because of course he's a terrible person deep down, and yes, thank you so much, it feels great to know, that I'm stupid for having dated him for a whole 2 years. Makes me feel sooo damn good about myself you know? Yeah I'm in this position of finding 'a great new person' by choice, I'm so happy about the prospect of dating again. It feels wonderful to have been shit on, broken down and hollowed out, so yes I'm totally in the right mindset and the feel great about myself, I'm sure I can find someone to 'replace' him in this unstable mental state.

I know people are bound to say these things, what else are they supposed to say...but I hate it. People didn't know shit about the relationship in the first place, and they don't know shit now. I always feel stupid after.

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I've been talking to people who've cheated. It never occurred to me that a first time cheater, could have trust issues after also. Some people don't know what they are capable of, and when they commit, they don't know whether they can trust themselves in future relationships, let alone trying to salvage what they shit on in the first place, regardless of why.

I'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone out there who hasn't participated in one way, in seeking what they are not getting from their relationship from some one else. I suppose it's what you do after that matters, in regards to the person who's being cheated. Telling them before would be great, "hey listen, I think I'm in danger of being tempted" either break up or work through it. I think that option is 90% impossible for people. Telling them as soon as possible after the first incident, no matter whether you think it could never happen again, is the decent thing to do. Guh going over all the things I said and thought about her, and how I was told I was basically 'being annoying for asking', even when I had no suspicions anything sexual was going on at that point, rubs me the wrong way so much. So many chances to just come clean...so cowardly.

I think cheating is one of the more human behaviors, it's almost primal, inherent or something. Gotta spread our seeds, keep the gene pool vast. I'm pretty much on the bandwagon with humans not being monogamous. I think jealousy is an emotion we evolved as a direct result of cheating, or slippin' out of the cave, and in the woods with so and so. Love probably evolved for taking care of babies. Both are about surviving and passing on one's genes. But I feel our biological makeup is for another post. Either way, I I'm guilty, to some extent, but no where on the level of many other people. Pushing away a kiss, and telling the Old Lamp twenty minutes later is a lot different to what the Stone did. It doesn't mean I'm not guilty. I knew I was tempted to be with other people, or wanted to be. When you get those feelings, does it automatically mean the relationship you are in is over? Does that signal the moment the love has turned from being in-love, to just loving?

It's clearly not that cut and dry. These things are severely complicated, and I think because it's so 'primal' it's hard to wrap a logical analysis around it. It's like our bodies, our minds are acting on instinct. But what also makes us human, is our ability to be brave, compassionate, considerate, respect and selfless at the same time. Coming clean, even prevention by discussion or ending it before it could happen, are the decent things to do.

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Please mind, I'm begging you...stop it. Just get out and leave me alone.

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I miss so much, such a contradiction of emotions.

I'm so suspicious. I just can't trust anything anyone is saying about anything. I'm prone to thinking the worst these days, because for too long I thought the best. All I can assume is I could get hurt again, if I don't realize some people aren't what they seem. I'm avoiding pain, by not taking the risk of trusting people, and having it go south. I assume most people are out for themselves only, selfish, and have no consideration for my feelings. I feel like I'm leading the pack.

In order to counteract this, I'm trying to keep things as light hearted as possible, in my own heart. Trying to force 'go with the flow' is really difficult. I don't want to become submissive so I'm over compensating, I might even sound intentionally mean. It seems when I do defend myself too, I sound freakishly familiar. I speak to people the way I was spoken to, in order to shut people out and not put myself in a vulnerable position. I hate it. It's frightening because it naturally came out me, it just sort of happened. A few moments later I realized what I'd said, and felt ill.

I feel like I'm two people.

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"Privilege to be your friend", rather than 'I'm ready'. Choice in words is exactly why I cannot be friends, and exactly what I recognize to be the selfishness. I don't know why? What would be the point? I can make assumptions why, I can guess... I just don't know what to believe anymore, and the archaic weirdness of not saying what the fuck is really meant, doesn't get anyone anywhere. At this point in my healing, I don't see what I could gain, except to take steps backwards. I'm an amazing friend to have, but I need to be over the hump to do it. Because I am not, I failed to express "privilege" as the appropriate word. I'm a gift, I don't think is needed or really wanted for the gifts sake, but only for the receivers...again I make no assumptions, but unclear dialogue leads to this...I learned that the hard way.

Being friends again with the Old Lamp is strange. Who knows if it's a bad idea, but it makes me feel better about myself, and I've stated that to him soooo I don't feel like I'm using him with out his knowledge. It's pretty clear years of depression have had a profound affect on the way he views life. So now...he's normal, a normal human person. It's good to know that after all these years, reconnection is possible, but only after people do their own lives for a while. I realize too, that I could never talk about anything to him before, not only because he was still too connected to me, but also because I knew I wasn't getting the 'emotional intellectualism" with the Stone. It would have been completely unethical to have that connection with the Old Lamp about anything, while it didn't exist with the Stone. That just shows how loyal I am to the person I'm dating, how much I hoped we'd build that...

After having said all this, I still have hope that no one is evil...you can be the best person you can be. If you really want it.

PS I love therapy.

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I spent most of last night forcing myself through the pointless feeling. I kept designing a tattoo I don't think I'll ever commit to getting. I'm going back and forth between a few ideas. I know I want it to be composed of thin lines, and it should be small, which doesn't leave too much room for detail. It's going to be black, and probably above my left ankle.

Ideas include mostly celtic symbols, not dorky knots. I've always been attracted to the triskele , since I was given a necklace version of it. It again became important to me when I was waking up in life. It sorts of spans a lot of cultures. It's meaning is varied, and I identify with the fluid meanings. It comes in different shapes: triskeles, triple spirals, triquetras, single spirals, or threefolds. I mean the swastika is technically a version of it. Right now the design I'm mostly into is the Triquetra. I'm interested in bringing water somehow into the design. I even started researching symbols of honesty, or truth, even integrity, and there are none. What does that tell you about humans? Clearly not important values in ancient cultures. Am I just a freak? Plus even if I found this magical all encompassing symbol, what if it were African? I'm not African, I refuse to be a poser, just because the symbol is pretty.

I'm adamant about designing my own too, but my designs so far look amateurish, ugly, and bulky. I think I might have to reach out and find someone to help me.

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Have you seen that god awful sexist movie "He's Just Not That In to You"...meh...don't when you're sad. And the Jennifer Connely story line hit way too close to home.

I was numb yesterday, but it's clear I'm frustrated. Even though I have no interest in dating anyone at all, I don't think I could find what I want in any person. There is no perfect person.

Being reminded of what I was like in ancient years, is like peering into some weird ass dream that I forgot years ago. But I had to block a lot out in order to function. Even so, some of the stories filled me with hope, because I reached that pinnacle of emotion before. Yet even at that high point, it faded, and is completely gone. There were so many other things, that I just can't live with. So the hope is tarnished. There is no perfect person or perfect relationship. You don't have one soulmate, there are many. They come to you when you want and need them, your heart seeks them out. I don't think it's possible to be with one person...you have to be a damn near god of communication, honesty, and truth to make it work...and even then, people fall out of love...because people change, and wants and needs change. What's the damn point? No wonder people close down, shut down, and die inside.

At least I know, people can forgive...at some point, people can talk again, even become friends in some weird way. But it takes years...it really does. You have to become completely disconnected, there is just too much pain, too many memories, too many habits that must be completely demolished.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore, or why. I thought being laid back and going with the flow worked...but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's impossible for me to be that person. Analysis paralysis. Does it really matter anyway? Am I relating to anyone out there?

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I miss the stone a lot today.

Last night:
I'm feeling sort of distanced from everything. I've just been sitting on the couch watching the sky change colors. I don't even feel lonely, it's just distance. Like I can't recognize myself. I have no emotion, completely neutral, or numb. I opened a book, and put it down after a page. I looked into volunteer opportunities in australia...but that didn't sway me one way or the other. I cleaned the kitchen, and didn't feel satisfied. When I force myself to be productive...I feel like a ghost. I feel completely emptied. Now the TV is on, but I'm not focused on it. It's like I'm awake but sleeping. Feeling like this comes and goes...just part of the whole being a human in this circumstance I suppose. Life is weird. sometimes I feel like I've lived everything there is to live, but it's obvious there are so many new things to live, new pains, and emotions. But i think, there are great things to come too, we just forget them when we're miserable.

After AussieMarie Called:
I think I'm one of those people who likes the vernacular. I mean...when it comes to travel that is. Not really the big differences, but the day to day things that people in another country are used to. Especially other English speaking countries. Word usage, instructions, and advertisements are all very different. Same with place names, or the why an object is called what it is. Street signs, traffic signs. When people eat lunch, what kind of lunch. Yes I want to see the famous buildings, the art, the landscapes, whatever...but those things that the people actually do, who actually live there, is what interests me most.

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More snippets from emails, this time pertaining more specifically to the stone...if you're sick of reading about it, then just skip this post.

I mean I guess, trying to justify break ups, just sends you in circles. Wondering what you could have done differently ends up not really getting you anywhere, unless you both want to get back together. If there isn't that mutual intention and it is only one sided, analysis doesn't matter, because there is nothing to fix. But it does wound you. And you limp around with that hesitation forever.

Anyway...I'm starting to wonder if anyone is happy for long periods of time. I think happiness is fleeting, can last days, but never years. I think it's normal. But I think what I'm getting at is satisfaction. I think I became satisfied with the stone, but I never really loved him. Or rather I was in love with what I thought he could be, and what I needed from him. The reality of the stone was quite different, especially when his life started taking off and mine didn't. They rarely came close to being the same person. Just as much I wanted him to change, or you to change, people rarely do, and shouldn't for the other person. I mean I think acceptance can be mutually worked on, but no one does it. I think the stone was in love with me in the same way, and when he realized I wasn't going anywhere he acted out, and then went crazy, and lied for 6 months. I guess because I'm the type of person who thinks to make things work, you should work at it. I think though it's hard to fall back in love with someone if you fall out. I don’t blame him for not loving me anymore. It was an agreement that if things started to change, the stone would tell me. We had talked to many times about that being the rule between us. That honesty, communication was what I relied on in the relationship, why I felt so secure. It was completely violated. I go back, I think about all the times I wasn't cluing into the change, even if he wasn’t communicating it to me. How much we failed each other. But he didn’t have to go and cheat, and then be intentionally mean.

I'm freaked out about the 'not satisfied' thing...or being sooooo 'satisfied' I'm pacified...which I think happened with the stone. I didn't want more for myself.
I think what makes you and I special, is we still see the good in the people that have hurt us most. Which freaking sucks balls, I want to hate the stone, but I just believe he can be a better person. We both also have endless amounts of forgiveness, and want to make things better...and don’t like it when other people are unhappy.
Hopefully...I'll be able to forgive him internally even if we never talk again, just the way you have. I can't live in hate, but it seems right now I need to, to get past this numbness.

Amazingly, I'm not really that emotionally as a person...or rather I have a really hard time, just letting myself get into a pit, because I force myself out of it. The way my mom does, ‘must survive’. So I harbor a lot and it just whirls around my head. My therapist noticed it, and I was like Jesus she knows so much about me that I don’t even know, and it's crazy. Just from 8 weeks of sessions.

I'm not sure if the protecting during break ups is good or bad. The stone claims not telling me about cheating was for my sake...and I can see why, and what it does to people. He knew what it could do to me, if I knew the truth, in a way I don't blame him for not wanting to tell me. I've been saying the whole time, it's more the lying and leading me on and making me think it was my fault I'm pissed about. Also that he couldn't trust me enough to give himself to me intimately in an emotional way.

I cannot say what I will not do in the future. And neither can you. I guess really living in the present is the only thing we can do. Yes I do owe you something, honesty and truth, those are my values, and I don't want to lose them. So as life goes on, I’ll always be honest with you about how I’m feeling about 'talking/not talking' and why. Even if we find we cannot talk for whatever reason, at least I can give you those things.

I am haunted by place images. The freeway. I spent so much time on the freeway going to Simi...I keep thinking about the damn freeway...and knowing I was going to some place happy. I keep thinking about the stone driving cross-country with Guinnes (the cat we got) and maybe even with some girl in the car.. I keep thinking about the desert where we went for gem-o-rama. I don’t know I just can get images out of my head of places. They wont go away. I cant get any relief...the less time I spend with humans talking, the more I think about it. I hate it. I hate wasting all the tears on him. How many tears I wasted on him...wasting time and words with him.

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The following are significant thoughts I've gathered about life, while conversating in emails this week:

I hope that because I know about transition people, that I can just sort of date for a while, and not do anything too serious. But I mean I don't know. Life changes and crazy things happen. I'm still heartbroken, but you learn to live with that. It never leaves you. I'd like to think I can plan out what I want, who I want...but I think we end up being guided by what our hearts need in the moment. I mean that can sound pretty selfish...but as long as you are also selfless, it's fine to want what you want for yourself. Especially if you are a moral person, like you and I.

I'm not so sure of control, as I am of making sure I am aware of what I truly want and not what other people want me to be. AND also not forcing or asking or waiting for someone else to be the person I they are not. As well as this, being true to what I want to do/be as a person in life too. Finding a job, a purpose, meaning for just me. I know now too, I want to be a in a relationship as an individual, as much as a couple.

Saying all this really just narrows the options down farther and farther. Which is I believe you really go for what your heart needs in the moment, even if you might logically know, people fall back into the pattern you've always exhibited in relationships. My therapist believes this is true. The relationships we go through are often cyclical. We go back and forth, and we're generally always the same people and look for the same people. It's being aware of the pattern that is important. She's like "that is why I'm here, so that I can challenge you about what you are doing, so that you can find out if it is right for you." That's the great thing about therapy, they don't pass judgement, but increases your ability to be aware of who you really are.

l think for people like you and I, it's certain that in both our futures there will probably still be more significant pain at some point. We'll invest our hearts in the relationship, and hearts get hurt the most. But we've also built up walls around them, to protect ourselves now....it will be interesting to see where we go from here.

There are so many people that change our lives, and things that don't. It seems like Jenn wasn't that sort of life changing person, that say, you and I were for each other. There are so many experience that change our lives, heart break is one of the more powerful ones, especially for people like you and I.

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Sometimes I crack. Tears in my soapy dish washing tub. Tears at work, quietly hoping no one will notice. Tears looking east while at the dog park. I think I've settled into a functioning depressed state. I still exhibit erratic sleeping patterns, and an ache in my chest like nothing I've ever felt before. Being alone at home while mum is in Scotland doesn't help either. I like the noise of other people.

Forging old friendships anew, has been one of the most significant things in my life this week. I do genuinely believe that you get more than one soulmate, and those soulmates are always in you, no matter how many years go by, how little you've talked, and what you've exchanged. They come in a variety of different relationships, and because they are always in you, it's easy to ignore them and forget them, just like your kidneys. But it's just as easy to remember them.

I find amusing that my co-workers keep saying "I bet you won't come back from Australia". It surprises me at first, then I think jeezes, I'm free to whatever the hell I want to do. Other people...people that have no right...say it's just a band-aid. This is true in many respects. But frankly ever since I first watched the Croc Hunter when I was like 13, Australia has been at the top of my list of places to see in my life. Hell I've wanted to move there too. I kept thinking, and saying, you can't do it, it's too pricey, and I let other people convince me of that too. I should have gone years ago, when I was 19, when I was 20...when I was...on and on. I should have not let boyfriends be the top priority in my life, in my life my dreams are the most important thing. This is a dream as much as it is an escape from my reality, pain, the triggers...Of course I would love to explore with a boyfriend, but I also think certain types of travel at certain times in your life can alter it, and sometimes you need to be alone to have those tremendous effects.

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I can already feel my future. It's written in my bones. No matter what path I'm on, I see what possibility is already to happen.

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Summary word-for-word practically, of things discovered in therapy. It's a mirror that's always been there, but covered up. You have the knowledge about yourself, but its unveiled in therapy.

I know I'm 'repressing anger, which means I'm still extremely sad', but going into that pain isn't something I'm interested. I will not be robbed of control.

I don't really feel guilty for wanting to feel happy anymore. If that means flirting that's fine too. 'I don't have get into a freaking serious relationship with the first guy that shows up'. The beauty of me, is that I'll flat out say what I'm thinking to anyone, it would be nearly impossible for me to lead anyone on, without fair warning. Which might be a turn-off, but 'that's being true to myself', that's for sure.

Boys are easy. Actually...I take it back, boys who aren't stony are easy. Things that never worked on the stone work again. Like 'the eyes'. That never worked. It's amazing what happens when normal human things are reciprocated. Being a girl is easy. After learning early on that nothing I was doing was working, before I 'gave up', I'd learned the knowledge of a woman. Why going out in to the world after James was so easy, because I knew the easiness of getting what I wanted. But I had to forget them, in fact I forced them out, memories of what an intimate relationship was like to function in the one I was in. Soo unhealthy. My 'incredible survival instinct', and 'ability to adapt', just utilized in all the wrong way.

Being reminded of what I was like, rediscovering repressed, lost memories, is helping me to realize that I've had both the extreme high point of what two people can share, and the extreme low of what two people can share. In all my relationships, I've experienced both. I sort of compacted what someone might never know in a life time, in to 5 years of life, starting from my first kiss when I was 18, to 3 weeks in the dorms, to the fairy tale story, to frustration with him, to falling out of love, to the pure physical, to the experimentation, to longing, to heart break, on and on, all those experiences up until till now. I'm very lucky, and probably one of the more wise people my age.

Can you imagine how powerful I'll be when I get everything else in line. When I slap my fears, and insecurities in to their rightful places? Fear me!

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When you die, Dr. Duncan MacDougall said you lose 21 grams from your total weight. Apparently that is how much your soul weighs. When your heart is broken you lose 21 pounds of physical weight, or at least I did. I don't even want to think about my soul. Sunday was my deadline. The one I'd set for myself, since logically I knew he had moved on weeks before, despite his wishy washy, 'I'm keepin you at arms length case I change my mind' approach to this entire travesty. For me Sunday was the last day I was going to allow for wishing, for hopes, for dreams, for believing in an imaginary person, for a second chance.

The days following have been absent of panic and desperation, wild thoughts, and ridiculous notions. I leave my naivety behind me. I move forward with the heart I had before, the heart I've always had, the one that wasn't wanted or needed, nor getting what it wanted or needed. Friends will get that for now, and in the future someone will want it, need it, and love it.

Even today when a key player in this whole saga, wanted to absolve their guilt, I explained my appreciation, but that no amount of details, apologies, or explanations can satiate me, they are pointless to me. They cannot relieve the pain, nor let me grow. Besides...

The ultimate truth is that there was lying, and violation of loyalty on a massive scale. The details don't matter. And it was traumatizing because I was already a weakened person, and I've had little experience with break ups. It was also done by someone I thought to be the only person in the world to abide by those rules too. Despite the fact that I already knew who Jordan really was. An incredibly insecure person. A damaged and damaging person. He's incapable of emotion or intimacy, and hides behind a stony fake ego. A belittling and self validating ego. For 2.5 years I tried to reach out to him, and I was shut down, and made to think there was something wrong with me for wanting more then what I was getting from him. His logical arguments leave little room for sympathy, or consideration for the other person. It's incredibly emotionally abusive, even if it's not intended to be. Now it's clear he also became a selfish coward. He has always been out for his own benefit for as long as I've known him. I'm just in shock that he could go so far as to lying to everyone around him, and to violate me, the person who was supposed to be 'the best thing that had ever happened to him' on such a horrendous scale.

But he made that choice, he could have taken a different way out. In no way was it my fault for the choices he made, and was not forced to, no matter what he wasn't getting from me in the relationship.

Those are the facts, and the details don't matter. The bottom line is, I just need time to heal, to really figure out who I am, not what Jordan manipulated (intentionally or not) me into thinking about myself. I settled, instead of the pain of break-up, I gave up what I wanted, and was content in that 'oh well' state. And I was hopeful he could open up, there were moments he was on the edge of it. But it fell through the cracks. But that's not my problem, I'm the most understanding, patient, and willing person I know to help the person I love to be their best. If Especially if it's properly communicated that that is what the other person actually wants. Therefore his intimacy issues, are his fault, and clearly no one can help him get there but himself.

More importantly, ME. I'm already addressing why I let myself last in this relationship, why I gave up, and exploring the pattern of my issues with boys in therapy. Which I LOVE. I'm on the right path, I just needed to find it again. And in no way do I believe this is simplified, it's more complicated then I'll ever know. But this is what I know to heal now.

That is where I leave it. I move forward with my heart, my values. Maybe forgiveness will come later, maybe it won't. For now I take the good memories and put them in a box for later. The month of May is for me, and Australia is my reward.

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The world is a very hard place.

I had to get out of my house because I thought I might tip over into a panic attack. In my dark moments I feel like someone is in my chest holding on to my heart again. I can hardly breathe or follow thoughts to clear endings. Mum took me to a cafe, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a free sample of European style hot chocolate, something I have been looking for in LA for a year now. Sipping it down, I was thinking things could be a lot worse, when I looked across the street at an open parking space, with the side walk beyond. I observed two gigantic black crows literally pecking a small bird to death on the concrete. The poor thing flapped up and down, but clearly could no longer fly. It just flopped pathetically while the crows cawed, and continued impaling the little bird. Some other smaller birds of the same species were diving in to the crows, trying to scare them off, but to no avail. Others hopped around chirping frantically, flapping their little wings. But they could only watch as their fellow was murdered in the blazing sunshine. It went on for a minute at least. I didn't know what to do, I sat there frozen just watching...suddenly an Audi pulled into the spot, and I have no idea if the little bird died there, or if it some how limped away, but the crows flew off to who knows where.

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