Some people have told me, I'm hard to read. Even though I'm an open book, and honest as Jesus, what do people see of me? I'm curious to know how I sit in their mind, what they associate with me, when they are around me. Can they predict what I'll say, what I'll think? Who looks up to me? What are people's preconceived notions, are they different? Have they changed? Am I instantly liked? Instantly loved? What image do I hold in people's hearts or minds?
Read more...I've been reflecting, exploring ancient writing. Not for any particular reason, but I always learn a thing or two. I remember. Somethings fall asleep in you, and you have to wake them up. Lessons were learned and you need a refresher course. Today I looked up string, which like the moon, is important to me on some dorky new age symbolic level. In recent weeks I've begun tying it to my extremities again. Why do I do this, I often ask, and so do others? Is it weird to say I feel naked and vulnerable without something looped around my wrists, ankles or neck? They remind me, or each one reminds me...they tie me to the things I...
Read more...Be honest with yourself.
Listen to your heart.
Be true to those around you.
In between and underneath. Around a shaded grove.
Yellow morning light. Kind and soft.
Deeper than the sea can go.
Stick with me you know.
I thought I might blow away in the universe today. I think I had 10 full seconds of just being. In the heat of the sun, I thought there is absolutely nothing more I want.
Read more...Don't forget what you learned about yourself. Remember? So, those who matter, those who care, those who value your worth, deserve you.
Surround yourself with the people you need in your life, it's okay to be a little selfish, you don't have to put yourself under other people's weight. It's okay to let go.
It's funny to think I built all these news walls up around my heart, yet I leave the gates open. That's okay, I just have to picky about who is allowed to go through those gates, who is allowed to take from what's inside.
Just had an epiphany, and I feel slightly better.
I am doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing according to my plan (in regards to all aspects of my life), it's just not giving me the satisfaction I thought it would. Do I adjust the plan? Is it the right plan? It just goes to show how fluid I am, day to day things change, I change. What I want and needs don't stay solidified for very long.
Patience. Keep listening. I think I need to go somewhere pretty for a day.
anxiety. nausea. burning eyes.
should stop setting myself up for disappointment. i put so much faith in others.
this sleep pattern scares me. please don't stick. please don't stick.
miss being extra special to one person. i set this up for myself.
i'd give anything to know things will work out. it makes the meantime easier to deal with.
am i compromising too much of what i want to make other people happy? i can be easily controlled and taken advantage of when i give too much.
This is when I want to get in the car and drive away... no destination, no direction, no more bull shit.
Read more...ahhh thank god for jaded Caitlin
keeps romantically inclined Caitlin at bay
helps responsible Caitlin stay on track
I loved that dream. The eyes will let me know, like I said, whoever you are, I'll look at you differently. Maybe in a dry river bed.
electric magnet. suck me in.
There's a bumble bee in my heart.
There's rose water on my skin.
Running through my mind, but I've only moved one step closer.
I'm an extremely lucky person, in regards to the people I've met and surrounded myself with. Or maybe I'm so lucky because of who I am as a person.
Kully, you need to fiercely stick to you, upright the compass, keep your heart open. Listen.
I know this feeling. It's the feeling I get around my shoulders, when I need to write. But I'm having a hard time formulating what I want to say in writing.
My compass is on it's side.
Honesty versus too much information. I wonder what people think? What do you see when you look at me?
Pretty sure I've gained all my weight back.
Can I bring it all together? I'm closer and closer to knowing. Will I be awake when it happens, will it sneak up on me, will I be first?
I think I even smell different.
I'd look at you a different way.
There are somethings I leave for a special someone, if there ever is one, there are some things I'll save for you.
I can't stop daydreaming about a vacation. ANY vacation.
Me too. But yeah...I think...ack I don't want to go to ______, cause I like keeping it as this romanticized peripheral fantasy. I'm scared if I went something would I'd be disappointed. And it's perfect right now. It's ridiculous, and I know it's directly related to being dumped.
I can certainly understand it. Fantasies are usually ideal.
Yeah I have a lot of fantasies about a lot of things. I think I'd like Portland, but what if I don't? I do that with people too. Sigh..._______ is both persons and places. It's the dumbest thing in the world to be scared of what you don't know/tried etc. you wouldn't get anywhere without risk. But my heart is easily touched and shaken. I think that's why I guard it so much these days. It's soooo open, that I often get hurt.
Too often you sound like you've been swimming in my thoughts.
Indeed. Hive mind. We both respond well to positive encouragement, reassurance from folks. We're also the people who more often get reaaaaly hurt.
Seriously.
I've got a lot of British cynicism. And 'the glass is half empty' syndrome, 'I'm not good enough' complex. That often is my defense against getting hurt. I always think the worst will happen, so when it does I'm prepared. Although this past year, that's decreased a lot, and almost to non-existence. One of the reasons why I'm so interested in friends. Friends don't break up with you, ya know....well...the pain resulting is different when they do. My recent break up seems so distant, but its like my subconscious is shutting down to anything that might bring me back to that place. Sooo...I have no interest in anything but close friendships. Even though I think some where I long for that other thing.
Sounds like some disassociation.
I'm definitely disconnected from many things...or rather...somethings are there but I can't make the connection. Which is why [somethings] that have happened between us have been so meaningful, powerful, and I've grown exponentially in a short time. I'm getting everything I want from my experiences, and I'm often sublimely happy. I'm interested to see what I can bring together from all my learned experiences.
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