I have created a rough scale to rate my migraines on. 1-5. 5 being the worst, barfing, or not being able to move. I've only had 5s a couple times in my life. I've had plenty of 4s which is extreme nausea and pain, cured only by 800mg of ibuprophen and sleep. (i had a 5 this afternoon) Getting a 3 usually means it's going to get worse very soon, there's no turning back. 2 is usually a sign that I need to take something or I risk moving into the point of no return, some symptoms include feeling faint after walking up stairs, as well as a pounding feeling in my head. 1 is like everything else, head ache that comes and goes, mixed with neck pain.

My mom said that when she used to get them horribly, but then took some homeopathic regimen for 6 months and it stopped. However my sister who get's them terribly too, has tried hundreds of natural things and nothing has worked. I can usually predict when mine will come on, and it's around my monthly cycle or if I have bad neck or back pain, dehydration, digestion issues, or long exposure to sun. They tend to be worse, if I haven't had one in a long time.

Sucks balls.

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Nothing really woke up inside me. In fact, I felt like I was 12 again. Terrified into a stone. Spin the bottle all over again. I'm not really worried, in fact I don't really feel anything at all when it's before or after. I have a two ultimate guarantees about one thing, and the other stuff just doesn't seem to be real, probably because it's all so surreal. When it's something more then awkward firsts, I might have a more formulated opinion. What's interesting is how determined Jordan is. He's always been like that though, get's something in his head and goes for it till either something better comes up, he gets bored, or it just doesn't work out and he gets frustrated. In this case, a lot of options have popped up, so he hasn't really experienced any of those criteria. The one option we've been going with timing & distance & newness hasn't been on our side. But there are other things popping up too, that have caused Jordan to turn hunter.

Anyway...I'm collapsing as I type this. I just can't seem to catch up on sleep till like Weds night, and then I go back to Simi and do it all over again. I'm a drone in the beginning of the week, I just want to hide. But today I had to go out, too many damn errands to run. And I've either developed allergies, or I've got a cold. I hope it's not allergies, and I hope its not a cold. But it was great being outside. This wind is exactly what I need. Although it knocked out the power and I got stuck in the dark shopping for bras at Nordstrom Rack. It was freaky. Then came home to another classic fight with my mother, an I'm reminded all over again why my life is a failure.

That felt good. I miss writing. I'm even backed up in yelp reviews, so unlike me.

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I continually get affirmation about my opinions of humanity. Especially, and in particular of Southern Californian humans. Of those who do not smoke weed. I'm not an advocate for 24/7 weed smoking, but it's true that party goers tend to be more polite, generous and considerate if they are both stoned and drunk. Drunks are just assholes. But the inherent underlying LA asshole is accentuated even more by alcohol. And LA assholes are some of the worst kind of assholes. I'm reminded why I don't like it here, how lonely it is. It makes me give up another chunk, leaving me with an even smaller slice of left over hope.

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It's that week before. Crazy week. I can't sleep, I get fat, my skin explodes. I get anxious and irritable about nothing...stupid nothing. Two weeks of shit, then only two weeks of okay, no wonder girls are nuts.

I've been meaning to write for a while. I keep sitting down to scribble, or type and nothing comes, but I have so much to say. I kinda just skipped over Trona, and writing about that, although you can figure out enough in my yelp reviews. Plus I've written too much about that wonderful 14 highway and desert.

During this weeks 'rain storm', or rain storm by Southern California standards my heart ached. I though about all the October sunsets up North. The best time of year in Humboldt. I pulled out my fall gear. My sherpa hat, the only thing not ragged. I'm finally retiring my blue and brown ski coat, I used as my rain slicker. It's had it. My hiking boots sit unused, and would probably give me blisters now. I wear leather boots and tight jeans these days...what is LA doing to me?

The more I work with these people the stupider I get, I swear. But thank god for a job that goes so quickly. The weekends come fast, and then I'm up in Simi. During the week I don't have time to think too much, which keeps me steady emotionally. This weekend should be interesting to say the least. Now this is one of the things I have a lot to say, but am not writing because I don't think I'm ready to share with the general public. It's not a 'proper' thing. It's taboo. But I've learned a lot about myself the past week. I can only imagine how I'll feel after Saturday night. But I'm excited to see if something wakes up inside me. Forgotten things that I don't even think I'm capable of anymore. It's stuff I didn't really anticipate going into this.

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I've been staring at my computer screen for 10 minutes. Although I keep getting distracted by Antiques Roadshow, I know what I want to write. But I know if I do write it, it becomes more real. It's like procrastination. Whenever I had to write a paper, I had all these ideas floating around in my head, and nothing happened with them, because they were up there not repeating to my fingers, to the keys, to the screen. The first step was always the hardest. The first step being writing the first sentence. Same thing going on here. If I start writing out this stuff, it might spiral out of control till it's finished, and might be the first step to things. But the thing about real life is there are no deadlines. Nothing has to get done. I need deadlines. I started to really like them towards the end of school, I used to dread them. At work I love having a crazy deadline to meet. So maybe if I do write out everything nothing will come of it anyway. But in this case, because of the subject matter, it would be another notch contributing to my life. Maybe that's what I'm really afraid of.

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Working full time in the environment I'm in I suddenly realize why people get so crazy. By Thursdays I'm so over the week. Now I suddenly get excited for Fridays, and having two days off. The people at work have become too close for comfort. It's no longer a job I show up at, and the people are there. Now it is a job I have, and the people are there everyday with all their characteristics. After you're trained, the people make the job what it is, for better or worse. Mostly for worse in this case. Now that we have assigned desks, there's no relief from the people I like the least. Thank you for ipods. I spend my nights decompressing, usually with the TV. I'm turning into the American corporate peon. Soon I'll gain 50 pounds, loose my self dignity, imagination and principles.

It's good though. Eventually its going to push me towards something better when I can't stand it anymore. I even started looking at community college courses. I updated my resume, I'm getting ready. I just don't know my out yet. I don't know when that will be. But it needs to be soon.

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