Sunday, April 16, 2006
From April 13
All the roads led to it, it's I had to be forced down one to get there. I couldn’t cry anymore, and the rattling in my body was the only thing that seemed constant. Sometimes the whole situation seemed beyond comprehension, but it happened. Mostly I remember the anger and plain mean tone in my voice. I remember waiting, always waiting, and this time for the right response. However I had no idea what the right response would be. Soon I lost sight of everything. That’s never happened before. It was like the light had gone out, and I suddenly lost a huge chunk of faith from what I have believed to be the most concrete thing in my whole life. It wasn’t there, I couldn’t find it. Usually it’s the only thing flooding my mind when I take that step back and remember what I was fighting for to begin with. But the cause wasn’t there. I was so frightened. You started pulling away from me so quickly, like you were driving away in a car and I could see your face through the back window. I thought you might run into walls, you seemed so lost all of a sudden. For fear of breaking you in half I said simply, “maybe if I touch you I’ll remember”. And you sat on the bed next to me and held out your hand, it was cool in my own. That was it. I did remember, suddenly all of the glass that had shattered across the room and in the air came colliding back together like our bodies. And I didn’t know if it was working but I didn’t let go. I asked you to make me laugh. and I tried to burrow my way into your chest and I waited. When we finally did get to sleep mode, I said tomorrow I’d know. The next morning I woke up and I remember Heather in the other room excitedly talking to herself, as she does, about the change of weather we were to expect during the day. It was going to be sunny; the wind was going to give the north coast a much-welcomed day of rest from its relentless water soaking.
