things are good most of the time. they are never great. sometimes they are okay, sometimes they are bad, the times that i cry, well those are the things not ready to be opened yet.

i'm considering having 'the talk' with Jordan. i mean really it's kind of pointless, but i don't know maybe i need to hear his intentions towards me right now. i have a lot to write about this, but i'm not sure how to approach it.

i think i might be happier if i were exercising again. i feel bloated and fat most of the time. When i'm exercising even if i haven't lost any weight, i feel better about myself. But i'm weird and i need to be in a gym to do it.

i hate how fickle my moods are. one minute i'm carefree, the next i'm a anxious lunatic, and right after that i'm irritable and grumpy. I don't want Jordan to have to deal with that. i hate myself for those qualities. My unappreciative side...

we went camping this weekend. i realize that i love sitting in and around rivers, creeks. they may even have replaced the ocean which seemed to be the primary facet of my heart for so many years as a teen.

i've started my internship with the National Park Service, the Santa Monica Recreation Area unit. it's nerve racking. i'm terrified of the responsibility. i'm terrified of the 9-5 m-f weeks that are ahead. i guess just get it done right. thats what i usual tell myself...get high school done, who cares. get college done, who cares. i never really care.

sometimes i feel as if all my priorities are completely backwards. that perhaps, i really am never going to do stuff for me. and that stuff that is me, isnt even real in the first place. that everything i think i am is backwards, or the opposite. that im deceiving myself.

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i just realized that i really dont like the idea of working...and working...and working. thats all thats left for me to do now. im not even sure how people live... like what do you live for? what makes people happy?

I'm giving up everything again.

im going to write lists, lists lead me places.

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Like the center of a new born rock.
Red fire, warm and mushy.
I can see it caught in the photograph.

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Randomness from the two weeks I have been home and graduated:

It’s weird how it’s been so long that you forget certain things. That there were things you lived for once, but don’t even recognize anymore.
I keep wondering if I’m just playing games. And I keep slapping myself for doing so.
I can’t sleep. On nights that I am alone in my bed, I lay awake for hours. But I capture hints of a good kind of smell in my sheets.
I’m asleep inside.
I find I don’t really miss Humboldt, but it hasn’t hit me yet perhaps. Maybe one day I’ll want it.
I’m never going to go on a travel adventure…
I’ve been contemplating nihilism recently.
In the end the key dictator will always be money, and I hate it, and it’s only going to get worse.
Will value and direction, routine and accomplishments help me to wake up?
Is everyday for the rest of my life going to be like this one?
LA was supposed to rescue me.
What the hell was I doing the past four years, because it feels like nothing.
I’m permanently here until ______.
What is going to happen?

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