New Crime Porch

New Years
If you had said, you'll be in Nashville by xmas, I would have thought you were insane. If someone had told me a lot of things, I wouldn't have believed them. But I wouldn't change a single thing about this year. 2010 is coming to a close this week. I was going to write something about all my changes, and how I'm a 'better person', or 'I'm going the right direction', about how "I believe I can do anything', but it's pointless, not because I don't truly own those feelings, but because I'm the only one they really mean anything to. Not to say people can't be or aren't proud of me, but they are proud because of the things I have done since I've taken those truths into my heart.

East Side Crime
In other news I'm continuing on my path of discovering the dangerous side of Nashville, which of course I'm right in the middle of. There have been some rather intense burglaries around this side of town. First starting with fast food joins up on Gallatin, and now they're becoming bolder and robbing restaurants and bars. The last hit they held 40 people at gunpoint demanding wallets and jewelery. A place I visited a couple weeks ago was robbed by these two fellows, just two nights prior. Now with my boy working at a cafe in the neighborhood, you can understand my concern. My interest is peeking clearly. The local news report that the MetroPD is adding extra patrols to the east side neighborhoods and they've got video surveillance perhaps identifying the dudes, so they are 'close to catching' them. It doesn't make me feel any better, and it's definitely the talk of the east side. At the salon the women were nattering about it, people are definitely uneasy.

But is it any more unsafe than LA? Does the small town feel of the east side generate its own fear because everyone knows everything that's going on all the time? My mum's car has been broken into right in front of our house, there were routine helicopter chases at the park just down the road. But in LA these things are one of hundreds any given day, and so they do not always make it on to the evening news. They seemed removed from my daily life there, even though they are happening all around you.

I am in no way saying that this place is safe, it's clearly not your average neighborhood. I think yes, it's more likely something 'bad' could happen to you in East Nashville. It's why property is dirt cheap and I could rent a 3 bedroom newly renovated craftsman style cottage for $700 a month. But like I say, East Nash's neighborhoods are slowly undergoing gentrification. Good god if I were in a geography class right now... PAPER TOPIC: Comparing East Nashville Tennessee to Venice Beach California. But I'm serious, the funkies are still walking their dogs, the hipsters are walking around with their guitars, kids are skate boarding, and I'm sitting on the porch with the cats.

Sitting on the front porch
It's 65 degrees today, thanks to the incoming thunderstorms. The birds are singing, Bjorky is sleeping in the chair next to me, and I'm rocking back and forth like a true southerner. I swear this is a good enough reason by itself to have moved here. This is something I could do all the time, anytime. For some reason a front porch is just more friendly than sitting near mum's Koi pond back home. It's acknowledging the rest of the world, not hiding from it. Maybe that's a little idealistic, but hey I'm happy and I can't help myself.

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Today it was warm enough to sit on the porch with the cats...or maybe I'm just getting used to 30-50 degree weather. Which is the average for TN winters. The snowstorm we had was very peculiar apparently, and so is most of the weather in the world right now. Practicing my porch sitting skills, I thought of a bunch more stuff to write about:

Bird noises. It's like Sydney here, tons of birds everywhere making noise. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like a few hundred years ago before many of the song birds were hunted and wiped out. Then it really would have been a cacophony.

Drivers in TN, did I mention this in my last post? Some of the most terrifying drivers I've ever had to share the road with. I've seen some scary stuff, people driving across major road dividers in mini vans, people going through red lights when there's no opposing traffic, people who think they have enough space pulling out in front of you, people going 10 in a 30 zone, people going 50 in a 20 zone. It's darn awful.

Sports
I've been meaning to write something about Sports. Since it's suddenly become a very big part of my life, unintentionally. Or maybe intentionally, since I was completely responsible for moving to the South, and it's hard to get away with not knowing about some kind of sport living down here. But where to start? I guess I should start with Drew... when I say Drew knows everything there is know about sports, I literally mean...he knows everything. He can tell you crap about the British premiership, for a American southerner that's a little ridiculous. If anyone should be going back to school to get a degree in sports broadcasting it's him, and whaddyaknow! The point is, I can literally ask any question and be guaranteed a clear knowledgeable non-bias answer. Okay well there is bias, but not by team, not by sport, it's really about things that many non-sports people and even some sports fanatics don't think of. I actually have tons of sports related topics, but I figure one each post is tolerable.

NCAA is an unchecked organization who's supposed to be regulating players rights and crap through all levels of sport. However there is no check or balance, they are literally the be all and end all of shit. In charge of major decisions, and many times down right unfair, inconsistent, and literally to ensure the most money is made by someone for someone. Literally the driving force behind sports is money. The people at the top of the NCAA are white, extremely rich old dudes. Isn't that always the way? There is no independent watchdog group that I can find for the NCAA and it's even harder to find any criticism anywhere by anyone. We can just assume that they've all been assassinated. I mean don't you think it's a little bit peculiar that there are checks and balances for almost every major organization in the US, and not for the NCAA?

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I've attempted to write about 500 times the past couple weeks, and finally today is the day.

I've just finished Bryson's a Walk in the Woods, you know about his attempting the Appalachian Trail. It was disappointing, mostly because I have some sort of idealistic notion of what walking 2000 miles is supposed to be like, and Bryson's trek just doesn't fit in. I mean he's witty in his almost obnoxious and extremely condescending way, but past that I really got no sense of the Appalachian Trail. In fact I came away with very negative feelings about the whole thing.

It was just surprisingly easy, driving across the country. Pretty much after Flagstaff the landscape flattens out and it's just boring all the way to Memphis. I mean there are parts of that eastern side of NM that are pretty, but only because it's crazy big sky open desert. Once you get to OK things take a turn for the worst. The roads are awful for one thing...but there is literally nothing there, it's a terrible lonely feeling. Even in OK city I felt completely disengaged by the personality-less buildings. I was astonished to find normal people tucked away in the northwest corner of AR, right after we crossed over the OK/AR border. I am grateful to them for letting us crash there, good people can be found in strange places. The next day, we fucked up and drove through the Ozarks, through 35 mile per hour speed zones to drop back down to 40. Everyone in AR looks the same, the trucks are scary, and although the country side is somewhat appealing I'd never want to vacation here. We got lost on account of trusting your GPS, damn thing! Well technically it's our fault for not reading the manual before using it. When we finally crossed the Mississippi into Memphis I could tell it felt more like Tennessee, in fact there is a Tennessee feel. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but there's some kind of vibe here. I don't know if that vibe is some how influenced by my perceptions, which must clearly have been influenced by Drew.

Overall does it feel like I drove 2000 miles? No. Do I feel like I've made some sort of life altering move yet? No. Do I feel like I actually live in Nashville? No. I think some of these things will come overtime, with getting a job, and a place to live. But honestly all of the places I've lived in I knew I wasn't going to be there all my life. I wonder if there will ever be a place, that I'll feel rooted to? Where I'll be able to say, this is my permanent home.

Interestingly something I've noticed is that Tennessean's (and some others) consistently talk about crime rates, "Oh Memphis is no. 2" and "Our zipcode is second most dangerous" and "I heard burger king got robbed last night". So I've been trying to research actual studies, and statistics. They vary wildly depending on what they factor in (violent crime, traffic fatalities, robberies) then different studies factor in population and space. Isn't geography wonderful! Cities that appear on these 'dangerous' lists end up being ones related to drug trafficking, or poverty...isn't that always the way?

The thing about this East Side of Nashville (which is made up of 10 or so neighborhoods) is that it's one of the oldest neighborhoods, many of the buildings are historic. And up until 10 years ago it was pretty much awful. Urban professionals are attracted to its proximity to downtown, while still maintaining a quaint small community feeling. Property is still cheap as heck houses, and some of the neighborhoods are still 'the hood' and indeed quite dangerous, but there are all sorts of 'alternative' and 'green' shops and bars. I have to say this is exactly why I loved the place when I visited. Many of the houses are Victorian style (including craftsman, queen anne, bungalow, eastlake, and american four square. All of which can be found in NorCal, so it's no wonder I loved it. East Nashville's gentrification is very much like what Venice Beach has been going through the past 20 or so years. Property value here is going to continue to grow and whoever was smart enough to buy a house (Drewfus's mum) is going to probably triple it's value. There are all sorts of city plans in the works for continuing city beautification and Gallatin (a hideously ugly version of Venice's Lincoln Blvd) is going to be revamped, Shelby bottoms is going to be extended, they're even building a 'funland' right across the Cumberland river from LP field (hopefully I'll have moved before that).

I guess when I think about places to live, there are some that just fit magically and you say 'yes I could see myself living here, if I had a push to do it'. Sydney is like that, Austin is like that...and East Nash too. But there are some places that just make you want to move instantaneously, and it depends person to person, but Humboldt and Asheville are both on that list. They pull me right in.

That's about all I've got for right now.

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I certainly miss the routine. Not to say that I'm desperate for a job, but I certainly want to fill my days up with as much as possible, because I know that's when I thrive, and you can only sit and work on finding work for so long before you want to scream. I did go to a yoga class, and I did run some errands, and I have been varying my activities, but it's not the same as going to some place and working. I'll get cabin fever really quick here if I'm not on top of things. With it being 23 degrees outside, I can't necessarily just go walking for hours on end...I'm definitely confined in some ways. But mornings are fabulous. Now if I could just shake this sinus blockage.

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It's snowing in my new home.

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Starting to get really sentimental, taking pictures of things I'll miss, and maybe will never see again. But honestly at the same time more annoyed with the things I ignored over the last 2 years. I put things out of my mind, and became very submissive. Now that I know in a few days they'll be gone, I've turned off the ignore switch, and I'm just annoyed. I guess this pertains to parents, to flakes, to LA - it's air, it's people, it's traffic. I'm ready to be rescued! Hell I'm ready for all the a whole set of new annoying things! Anything different.

The last 5 weeks have flown by. Having a goal and a deadline helped to add to my list of 'to do'. Doing all those things, producing results literally makes time go faster. It's amazing what you can do when you apply yourself, stay on top of things. It's the greatest feeling in the world to put in your best effort and achieve. I never felt like that before. When I started heavy duty hours at work to save for Australia, and then working 6 days a week at 10 hours a day I finally felt like I could stand work in general. I'm telling you I filled myself up when I was empty, with the right things. And being becoming a hard worker was something I really needed for my future. I may have been exhausted, my ass got fat, but mentally I felt more accomplished than I ever have in my whole life. Regardless of how much I dislike parts of my job, I owe a lot to it for shaping my work ethic, especially over the last 6 months. I'm looking forward, and hoping I'll be employed in a similar fast paced team oriented environment.

Caribou is the soundtrack to my memories of interstate 40 between Nash and Durham. A familiar hand in my own and a framed view of fall colors. When I go home, I played him repeatedly at work, which as we all know runs the risk of overplaying and burning out. But I couldn't get enough. He's brilliant. Anyway last Friday, I hadn't listened to any music for a week, not even Caribou. When Jamelia came up I nearly started crying. Now the lyrics, I have recently discovered are pretty sad, but it's literally the sound of the song (especially when turned up) that sort of flooded me with so many memories, I felt a rush of overwhelming....hmmm joy I suppose and just wanted to sit in a puddle of my own mushiness. Or better yet, I wanted to grab him and kiss him all over. Gosh, the day after tomorrow.

I wonder what music will become my internal soundtrack for as we drive along interstate 40 between Barstow and Flagstaff and Albuquerque and Amarillo and Oklahoma City and Little Rock and Memphis and Nashville?

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Tidbits from the journal

Packing is quite revealing. It's amazing how much junk you accumulate that you just don't need. Ridding myself of it all has been awesome.

As more and more things get put away in my room, it's starting to settle in. This weekend has been excruciatingly slow, which is uncharacteristic of the past 3 weeks. But that's because I'm paying more and more attention to my approaching departure. It really is a big deal.

I'm this close to a kitty of my very own!

I just went through some older posts, from the early summer, from before. Those words seem as foreign as ones posted here years ago. My life moved so far forward this year it's been hard for me to keep up, which is what I imagine people who suddenly become famous feel, people who travel all year long feel, you have to keep yourself grounded in order not to lose touch with your soul, or maybe you'll find it.


I don't think I've ever had so much hope for the future as I do now.

It's the season for thanking...and I guess I want to thank skype. I want to thank yelp. I want to thank the universe. I want to thank myself.

Sometimes it's hard to play it cool, most of the time I want to run around telling people why, how, what, scream it even, sing it even. And it's the silliest thing, even if I knew it wouldn't annoy the crap out of most people, I probably wouldn't because sometimes I still think the something bad is going to happen, something is going to spoil. Its a fear, a symptom, something I feel is pretty normal considering and as you get older, but something I don't really pay attention to. Everything is what you want it to be, so make it what you want it to be. So when I feel like I need to share, I try my hardest to, to just let it out, not play it cool. I try really hard to let it all out, until I'm a ridiculous puddle of mushiness.

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I've lost my appetite for writing recently, mostly because I haven't been doing enough of it, sort of lost my rhythm. That's probably why my writing has fallen to the bottom of my list of things I do. It's quite disappointing, which is why I'm going to make it a point to do something about it when I finally start my life.

I had this discussion last night about 'starting my life' as a concept. In two weeks from today I'll be waving goodbye to my mothers house. It won't be the home I live at anymore, it will be a place in my heart just like Humboldt is. Sometimes I wonder if Nashville will become that to me, or if it will just be a place I spend sometime before I move on to the next thing. I think the concept isn't so much about geographical location, as much as it's getting out of the same path I've been on for the past 2 years. Not to say that my life in LA is horrible, it's just never been what I've wanted. I've never wanted to be here, it was always supposed to be a stop over, and I guess that may have been why I never had any motivation, amongst other things.

Even though I've been ranting and raving about how brilliant the things I've recently gained in my life are, I don't think it's settled as to just how brilliant they really are. Testing them by pursuing what I want, and no one else, over time will really give me an experience. And of course there is a perk to all this, something I'll be able to hold on to, feel around me, lean against, in a physical form. I really don't think I know how shaping that will be, all I know is I'm excited about it. I don't want to say it feels like the right way, the way it's supposed to feel, but it's definitely exactly what I want, what I'm looking for. So many things to look forward to.

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At first they prance around your head, like a wild horse. I feel them galloping in loops looking for a way out.
Usually at the strangest times, when someone is putting on their shirt, handing you a plate of eggs, brushing their teeth.
I'm holding the bridal fast, they're spirit has to find other ways to escape.
Through synonyms.
But one day the gate keeper will let his guard down for a moment, and those wild horses will take advantage of that tiny opening, they'll slip out even tripping over themselves in sudden excitement. Then there is no turning back, they run and run and run and never come back.
Did they just do get out?
Did I just say that?

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Yes words are powerful. I've done a lot of breaking free recently. Knocking down walls, and burning ropes. First steps to big girl Caitlin. Telling your parents you're ready to grow up, seems like something that you should just ease into, or at least I always assumed I was in that position. But oh boy was I not. Having to ask them to back off was one of the most uncomfortable, and completely necessary things I have ever had to do. Let me make my own mistakes, have faith in my decision making process, there will always be pain in life, you can't always protect me. The launching of those sentences turned me from girl to woman in a matter of moments. I've been waiting for that moment for years, but it's only through what I've been through and with a certain type of recently gained substance, was I able to really do it. Substantiates in my life are made up many things. Mostly though I realize my heart is the most powerful of all. And my heart is full, and so it's notions are backed up a thousand times over.

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Extremely relevant music.

Song
Song
Song
Song

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Little did I know it takes two wise people, when it comes to self growth.
One person to come up with advice, for yourself. The other person to tell you to take it.

I think for a long time I've been pushing myself, assuming I'd figured everything out. I am so NOT done learning about myself, I have only just started a massive undertaking. It's going to be hard as hell. And I don't have to be alone, although it is me and mine, it is my growth, it isn't solitary.

Regardless, I have to start simple. Grab a hold of the things I can change. Yes I've made big sweeping decisions, but I've forgotten about the meantime. I've lost my way, this time in the clouds and not in the depths. Lost track of my compass.

Become real again. Where it's not just knowing, it's believing. Putting umph behind the feelings, getting in touch with them again, getting them to register again. Tender care is needed for this years new sprouts, help them to grow solid roots.

Take care of number one, before number two, and that will make three...and no I'm not talking about poop or babies.

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Faith on a whisper.

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Snippets from the journal

To understand what I'm trying to say, I suppose you may have had to read one of Marion Zimmer Bradley's Avalon books. There's a certain familiarity that causes me to think in terms of reincarnation, but not necessarily so complete, it's like deja vu, but less haunting, more like soaking in a warm tub. It just feels extremely familiar, as if it's always been in me, or he has always been in me, a present hidden in the closet saved till the right Christmas morning. Maybe I've only been fine tuned to recognize cosmic feelings like this, because Bradley's books helped to define what I find I'm looking for in relationships at a critical time in my life.

I kept complaining about rain last week, when we baked in a late summer heat wave. Never have my prayers been answered when I asked...it's a rather wimpy storm though...

What I cannot have right this second, please push the play button.

Autumn leaves, bottle cap furniture, waffles and pecan pie, scooters and camper vans, fire, skin, lips and eyes, cats and mornings, patience.

All things happen as they are supposed to, but what is around the bend I want so damn badly.

To know what it's like again, to make things real again. To be able to give it that opportunity to grow.

I've opened a door, but I cannot go in, I am forced to look through the window.

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You know when you think about a song, and you get lost in it, so much that you almost want to cry? Sometimes I get that way about land. Even land I've seen a million times. I'm surprised the ridge line of the Santa Monicas, as seen from Lincoln Blvd as it drops into Ballona, isn't burned into my brain. A subtle wash of pale pink, rose up from them, this evening, and finally I saw my first fall sunset. I think about moving through places a lot. I'm dreaming off all the places unexplored, the places set before me on my foot path. Inhaling those landscapes, memorizing them, just like the melody of a song. I get excited, I feel like I'm coming home, when I think about moving through places. It's the most comforting feeling in the world, to know I'm going exploring.

Sometimes I feel like that is all that is left of LA for me. The landscapes I've memorized. The rest I've lost faith in. Nothing really keeps me rooted here, and sweet whispers call me elsewhere. But I keep myself in the present, work through the steps. Whatever will be, will be.

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I don't even know what to write, because there is too much to say. Maybe if you could walk in my shoes. What I do know, is I am tempted to believe in fate. Symbols and signs. I feel I should record them all, there are so many, too many to be coincidence.

There's something about the southern Californian afternoon light that really is special. That is something I take with me, like the redwoods, no matter where I go, California will always be in my heart.

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Best and most cheesy dream ever.
I'm touring some basketball players giant house. It's all glass and orchids and weird metal staircases, and beds with too many pillows. Some how I'm outside, the top of a hill, I can see the ocean, there are trees everywhere, it's like a park but more wild.
I'm riding a horse, and in front of me a woman is riding one too. Hers an appaloosa. I have a distinct image of her galloping straight up hill between underbrush where the sun is breaking through and her sheeny white coat with brown spots ripples across the horses' muscles. Then somehow I'm flying, on my horse, we're in the air, and it's exhilarating. I'm crying, it's so intense, it's burning in my chest, and spreading through my fingertips. Dips and turns and ups and downs, and I'm giggling hysterically. Then I'm rolling around in the grass laughing as hard as I can. I can see the sun and the blue sky, and the trees, and I just cant's stop laughing.

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It's just like that quote: anymore than a whisper and it could vanish.
I'm surfing on sea spray of a fragile wave. Soon I'll swim through the air, to where the bugs sing and the ocean is only a rumor.
I look at the hole I climbed out of, think of the lessons. I just have to acknowledge them. Be aware, as I always am.
In the meantime, I return to the bathtub, and I hold to my blues and greens.

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The universe is telling me something. At the beginning of the year, someone told me that tigers would have a rough time, and the year would be what you make of it. This prediction came to be true more than I could have ever thought possible. I have faced the bottom, dwelled in it’s darkness for weeks, only to turn around just a few months later, and experience a new level of elevation. I’ve been lifted up higher than I’ve ever been before. I feel like I’ve been given a present. My god I am the luckiest girl in the world. But I wouldn’t have been ready for it if everything had not progressed the way it has. I had to prepare.

From a flat, static, emotionless thing, I was hollowed out of all the truths I thought I knew. I hit the bottom. Being emptied fully, I was given the extraordinary opportunity to fill myself back up with whatever I wanted. I needed to make a map of myself. I learned to read my internal compass. I explored every region. I needed to know the rocks and rivers within me. That intense exploration was preparation for this, the culmination of all my lessons. And there it is, wrapped up in the most amazing smile I’ve ever seen. When you truly know yourself, when you grab a hold of your own rock, the stars will align, I swear it.

Now I need to hold on for dear life to that rock, wear that compass around my neck, close to my heart. Life is fluid, nothing is set in stone. Pay attention to what’s been given to you. What’s right under your nose, grab hold of it, run at it will everything you have. Let it scale your walls. Open yourself to the energy of what makes you most happy. You’ll feel it under your skin. You know how I know this is something I need to pay attention to? I feel like I’ve been filled up electricity, that I’ve been soaking in a warm bath for days, I have to catch my breath all the time, ancient things are awake in me again. If I can tell you one thing, it’s to pay attention to what your body is feeling, it is wiser than your heart or mind will ever be.

It's come at the highest price, after a lot of pain. But still I must say thank you to the universe, no matter the outcome, I'll take whatever I can get, and give as much as I can. I will let this into me fully, experience every moment of it fully.

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If you could feel the energy in my heart, then you would understand. If you knew what I had to hide, because I thought if I even whispered it, it might disappear, then you would understand. But it flew right over my walls, nestled in my branches, and there is is, awakened now, with every possibility in sight, nothing is forbidden.

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I'm going to need a helluva a lot more string.

I'm brimming, my glass of milk is spilling over again.

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Tread softly, it's still tender there.

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I can't stop writing, hasn't happened in weeks. But nothing is solid, it's moving, never ending sentences, and thoughts that don't match.

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brimming
beaming
bewilderment

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Some people have told me, I'm hard to read. Even though I'm an open book, and honest as Jesus, what do people see of me? I'm curious to know how I sit in their mind, what they associate with me, when they are around me. Can they predict what I'll say, what I'll think? Who looks up to me? What are people's preconceived notions, are they different? Have they changed? Am I instantly liked? Instantly loved? What image do I hold in people's hearts or minds?

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I've been reflecting, exploring ancient writing. Not for any particular reason, but I always learn a thing or two. I remember. Somethings fall asleep in you, and you have to wake them up. Lessons were learned and you need a refresher course. Today I looked up string, which like the moon, is important to me on some dorky new age symbolic level. In recent weeks I've begun tying it to my extremities again. Why do I do this, I often ask, and so do others? Is it weird to say I feel naked and vulnerable without something looped around my wrists, ankles or neck? They remind me, or each one reminds me...they tie me to the things I...

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Be honest with yourself.
Listen to your heart.
Be true to those around you.

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In between and underneath. Around a shaded grove.
Yellow morning light. Kind and soft.
Deeper than the sea can go.
Stick with me you know.

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rivers meeting.

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I thought I might blow away in the universe today. I think I had 10 full seconds of just being. In the heat of the sun, I thought there is absolutely nothing more I want.

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Don't forget what you learned about yourself. Remember? So, those who matter, those who care, those who value your worth, deserve you.

Surround yourself with the people you need in your life, it's okay to be a little selfish, you don't have to put yourself under other people's weight. It's okay to let go.

It's funny to think I built all these news walls up around my heart, yet I leave the gates open. That's okay, I just have to picky about who is allowed to go through those gates, who is allowed to take from what's inside.

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I don't have a rock. It's just me.

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Just had an epiphany, and I feel slightly better.
I am doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing according to my plan (in regards to all aspects of my life), it's just not giving me the satisfaction I thought it would. Do I adjust the plan? Is it the right plan? It just goes to show how fluid I am, day to day things change, I change. What I want and needs don't stay solidified for very long.
Patience. Keep listening. I think I need to go somewhere pretty for a day.

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anxiety. nausea. burning eyes.

should stop setting myself up for disappointment. i put so much faith in others.

this sleep pattern scares me. please don't stick. please don't stick.

miss being extra special to one person. i set this up for myself.

i'd give anything to know things will work out. it makes the meantime easier to deal with.

am i compromising too much of what i want to make other people happy? i can be easily controlled and taken advantage of when i give too much.

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This is when I want to get in the car and drive away... no destination, no direction, no more bull shit.

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ahhh thank god for jaded Caitlin
keeps romantically inclined Caitlin at bay
helps responsible Caitlin stay on track

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I loved that dream. The eyes will let me know, like I said, whoever you are, I'll look at you differently. Maybe in a dry river bed.

electric magnet. suck me in.

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There's a bumble bee in my heart.
There's rose water on my skin.

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Running through my mind, but I've only moved one step closer.

I'm an extremely lucky person, in regards to the people I've met and surrounded myself with. Or maybe I'm so lucky because of who I am as a person.

Kully, you need to fiercely stick to you, upright the compass, keep your heart open. Listen.

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Snippets from the journal

I know this feeling. It's the feeling I get around my shoulders, when I need to write. But I'm having a hard time formulating what I want to say in writing.

My compass is on it's side.

Honesty versus too much information. I wonder what people think? What do you see when you look at me?

Pretty sure I've gained all my weight back.

Can I bring it all together? I'm closer and closer to knowing. Will I be awake when it happens, will it sneak up on me, will I be first?

I think I even smell different.

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I'd look at you a different way.
There are somethings I leave for a special someone, if there ever is one, there are some things I'll save for you.

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I can't stop daydreaming about a vacation. ANY vacation.

Me too. But yeah...I think...ack I don't want to go to ______, cause I like keeping it as this romanticized peripheral fantasy. I'm scared if I went something would I'd be disappointed. And it's perfect right now. It's ridiculous, and I know it's directly related to being dumped.

I can certainly understand it. Fantasies are usually ideal.

Yeah I have a lot of fantasies about a lot of things. I think I'd like Portland, but what if I don't? I do that with people too. Sigh..._______ is both persons and places. It's the dumbest thing in the world to be scared of what you don't know/tried etc. you wouldn't get anywhere without risk. But my heart is easily touched and shaken. I think that's why I guard it so much these days. It's soooo open, that I often get hurt.

Too often you sound like you've been swimming in my thoughts.

Indeed. Hive mind. We both respond well to positive encouragement, reassurance from folks. We're also the people who more often get reaaaaly hurt.

Seriously.

I've got a lot of British cynicism. And 'the glass is half empty' syndrome, 'I'm not good enough' complex. That often is my defense against getting hurt. I always think the worst will happen, so when it does I'm prepared. Although this past year, that's decreased a lot, and almost to non-existence. One of the reasons why I'm so interested in friends. Friends don't break up with you, ya know....well...the pain resulting is different when they do. My recent break up seems so distant, but its like my subconscious is shutting down to anything that might bring me back to that place. Sooo...I have no interest in anything but close friendships. Even though I think some where I long for that other thing.

Sounds like some disassociation.

I'm definitely disconnected from many things...or rather...somethings are there but I can't make the connection. Which is why [somethings] that have happened between us have been so meaningful, powerful, and I've grown exponentially in a short time. I'm getting everything I want from my experiences, and I'm often sublimely happy. I'm interested to see what I can bring together from all my learned experiences.

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Precipice.

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I've thought of a lot of things to explore here, but I guess this one is the one I'm thinking about this evening. I'll have to play catch up with the rest over time.

I ponder the idea of a what a significant other is, or supposed to be. A single person thinking you're special in a different light, than what a super close friend can think. I'm not even sure if that really exists. It seems like such a foreign relation to me. Did I ever have that? I guess I did, but it feel like it happened to someone else, and my memories are stories of that persons experiences. Will I ever have that? I'm not ready for it clearly, I've made some promises to myself that must be kept before I can consider it. But I sometimes peer into my future, and I just don't see it happening. That maybe where I'm at now, is everlasting. I'm sharing so many things these days, I wonder what will be special between me and another person. I think about those moments, and I'm indifferent because I cannot relate. I think it's probably because my heart isn't open to that connection.

But my god my heart is open to almost everything else. It's capacity for warmth and forgiveness is astounding. I hope it's appreciated by all, and I know it is by some.

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OKay, I want to apologize, I keep writing weird single sentences here and not explaining them. Mostly because I can't or I literally don't have the time. I guess I'm sort of going through a non-writing phase for the moment.

A lot of negative crap has happened to me in the last two weeks. You know how when one thing goes wrong, everything starts to crumble around it too? I narrowly missed layoffs at work for the second time, but my hours were cut in half. My dog cannot stand up, let alone walk. I narrowly missed being sandwiched between a motorcycle that t-boned an SUV, by about two steps. A couple people who were recently back in my life, have now detached me from me again, because I couldn't provide what they needed or wanted. I'm losing contact with extremely important people, to all of you I really love you, I do.

However, despite all this, and moments of sadness, I actually don't feel that negative. It's more like all this negative stuff is happening, to a happy person. I want everyone to know that despite the difficulties, momentary stalls and relapses I actually don't feel like the world is out to get me or something. Shit happens, you deal with it, nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and there is a lot to be happy and thankful for. A lot to look forward to, to be excited about. I guess the worst comes out on my blog because well there's no where else it's coming out now.

Again I feel different everyday, I change from moment to moment, but I'm pretty solid in my new foundations. Sometimes I am the rock, sometimes I am the ship and sometimes I am the water.

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I've decided I must be cursed. Or the year 2010 is cursed. I'm like opposite of King Midas, everything I touch turns to shit, or is ruined. I'm am an unlucky rabbits root.

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I can do this. I can do anything.

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It's strange to feel lonely.
I don't like this familiar feeling of hopelessness.
Disheartened.
I'm a burden.
Disconnected.
Sometimes I'm the rock, sometimes I'm the ship, sometimes I'm the water.
Everyday I'm a different person.

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I'm not a bad person through and through. I just could have been a better person. But at the same time, somethings have to happen. On that note, I believe this now more than ever, people come and go out of your life when you need them and want them, and sometimes it's completely out of your control. Often times beautiful things happen when they go, sometimes not. We'll see. In the meantime, the other friendships slipping through my fingers I'm trying to reinforce so as not to lose them at the expense of my lifestyle.

On that note, I've learned some hard lessons. Not everyone is comfortable talking about certain things. And people really do remove certain things from their lives, or place an extreme importance, make it too sacred, so they react negatively. I just assume, anything is fair game, it's fun for me, I learn from it, and so why shouldn't everyone else? It's a foreign concept to me, because of where I am now, but I realize it's always been like this for me. Why do people get so damn penis hurt? There is a lot that goes into this explanation, that I'm still exploring and learning about. Learning the limits of 'TMI' with different people depending on my relationship to them. Anyway now I step with a lot of consideration, however I make no apologies for myself either. It's just a matter of what information I tell.

I'm so truly excited for things in my life. I still get sad, who doesn't? I miss a lot, I love a lot, but I don't see any hate, I don't see any anger. I look at those months and wonder who was in my body during those months, I don't recognize that person. That's what trauma is. I had this discussion in my last session. After people look at that time period as if it was a parallel universe. Did that really happen? Was it really that bad? I didn't sleep, eat, I couldn't make it through a day. But slowly I pulled myself out, and now I look back and feel like a lot of my past was occupied by some strange former version of myself. It's probably why my recovery has exponentially increased in speed it seems. I just hope it doesn't backfire violently. I suppose next Friday will be a good test. But I just don't see it as a real possibility because I'm so removed from those sections of my life. Because you compartmentalize trauma so as to function after.

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I'm a bad person.

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Humboldt Reflection

From the journal:
Humboldt might be my true birthplace. I swear if someone told me I was conceived here I wouldn’t be surprised. I know that the Yurok believe Humboldt is the center of the universe. I definitely believe it holds a special power for most who’ve lived here. Humboldt is a place (for many people) you pass through. You live here a little while and move on. When you come back it’s still there waiting, remote and protected under fog and behind forests. I know it holds a piece of my heart in those sacred places. Keeping that piece safe, guarded, full. I leave some of my heart with all my loves, and when I return to visit them, they remind me of times and things that moved me internally. This trip I recognized all the colors, the muddy Arcata bay, the rusty green redwoods, the hazy blue sky, and the black ocean rocks… but it’s different now, there is a shift in their meaning to me. I’m so lucky, so fortunate that Humboldt was my first love; it awoke in me what I want and thrive on. I am finally awake to what Humboldt whispered to me years ago. I seek Humboldt in people now. And I’m finding it again.

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Dear Blog, I haven't forgotten you! In fact I've written a lot (yelp review notes, homework notes, and of course Kully notes). This writing rests in my notebook though, not yet transferred anywhere. You could say I'm living in Humboldt, and that is the reason...more shall be explained later.

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READ THIS

Honestly, I encourage you all to read this:
The Temple of the Body: Sex in the Anti-Erotic Age by Thomas Moore

I sort of feel like this applies to practically anything related to human's inner self and it's relation to society/culture. I remember in one of my anthropology classes writing a paper about illness/death being taboo and completely removed from our day to day lives, but at the same time it's all around us.

Check it out, it's a great read, and funnily enough, this article was passed to me only this past weekend, so the timing for 'affirmation'(which is not quite the right word) is freakish. I swear TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

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People have been really confused about this previous post, and I'm sorry for that. If you have any questions please ask. As for taking it down, I'm sure most people have read it so what's the point really. Please remember, that this blog is not all of me, and not the whole story.

Here is the homework assignment I promised. The guidelines were to quickly write up a little bit about your personality type based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Our instructor gave us this websites to use.
If you ever get a chance to take this personality test, I suggest you try it out. It sort of feels like reading your horoscope, but mine is freakishly accurate.

ENFP- Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

1) Portrait

If I had taken this personality test last year, I most likely would have come up with the same personality type, however I would have disagreed with most of the description. However many things changed for me this past spring, which literally forced me through an inwards journey. I explored a lot of different things about me, using a variety of tools including therapy and another reading a book by Barbara Sher titled I could do anything If I Only Knew What It was, have helped lead me on a path to becoming a new person only a few months later. I know it may sound cheesy, but I’m being totally honest when I say that I think I’ve finally recognized my real self and I’m growing into it nicely.

The part of the description that I identify most with, is “To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as there true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right.” If I could pick one value as the most significant to me, it’s really honesty. I’m probably the most bluntly honest person I know, and I can hardly live with myself if I feel like I’ve some how led someone astray as to how I truly feel about anything. I expect honesty from people, and I live my life by truth. When I read this part of the description, I felt extremely validated and empowered. My honesty is usually what people appreciate me most for, and in general it’s what makes me unique and attractive I like to think.


2) Career

a. The career options that appeal to me most from the short list include writer, counselor and consultant. As I previously mentioned one of the most important values to me, is honesty. I think that is why counseling or consulting attracted my attention most. I would most likely give people a straight answer and no no-nonsense information. I have absolutely no interest in engineering and sceince, mostly because I hate math, however I like the general picture of science and engineering. That is pretty typical for me; I find I have a many interests that span all fields.

b. Looking at this broader list of careers I find it pretty funny because I’ve considered many of these as possibilities already. Travel agent, anthropologist, and research assistant. But the most exciting find on this list, is librarian. I’ve been seriously considered completing a certification in library science from Pasadena City College. I’ve worked with archives and collections previously, and I really enjoyed it. The only issue I had with my previous employment in this field, is that I worked in a rather closed environment. I enjoy human interaction. Teaching what I’m researching, or helping others to find the information they need sounds appealing to me. But I’ve since been doing research about ‘information science’ careers and there are many options that do not fall into what we traditionally associate librarians with: leading a solitary life amongst shelve of books. I’m very excited that they mention this option!

3) Relationships

I find this description accurate! In the ENFP as Friends section discusses that my personality type seeks ‘authentic relationships’ and that the ENFP in genuinely interested in people and can relate across personality types with ease. I whole-heartedly agree. Recently I have been making an effort to meet new people, and I’ve discovered that some of my newer friends are quite the opposite of me, and that I’m really enjoying getting to truly understand them. I feel like people who lie or are only interested in superficial relationships I care less to know. I want meaning from all my connections, and I want people to grow based on the friendship I am capable of giving.

In the romantic section of the relationship description, they state that the ENFP is extremely loyal, and dedicated. I have to say these qualities and values are true beyond even romantic relationships, but extend to my friendships too. The description also mentions that the ENFP enjoys positive reinforcement and often asks their partner ‘how they are doing, and what they’re feeling’; from time to time to make sure that the relationship is a ‘win-win’ situation. I definitely am guilty of this. I cannot stand the thought of someone being unhappy within a relationship. If that unhappiness has some how been caused by me, I’m keen to try to mend that.

They also suggest that natural matches I might find myself in most include either INTJ or INFJ. I read through both of these descriptions, and I have to say my previous partners could very well be either of these pe

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I'm seriously thinking about this suggestion of starting an anonymous 'lifestyle' blog and sharing it with the people I trust and are legitimately interested. That stuff just doesn't belong on this blog, because this one is sooo public. I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing, but it's still taboo. I'm learning so much, and people keep asking my advice, and I'm starting to think I should chronicle my experiences. Like I said, there are so many different connections you can have with people, it's not defined as just bf/gf or friend. I'm sooo happy to have met the new people in my life. And I think these positive experiences could help redefine those 'norms', not to get all heroic or anything.

My homework assignment this week is all about my personality type. I'm going to post the final draft here in the next couple days. I'm so ridiculously excited about it.

Humboldt in only a few days!!!!!!

Today I told someone today "I'm happier now than I've ever been in my whole adult life." I really really feel that way the more that I think about it.

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I've been neglecting posting here, because most of what is going on in my life is too personal for the world wide web at the moment. But what I can post about is the fact that I may have come to a stopping point in therapy. Meaning I met the goals I had going in. If I were to stay on, I would only receive positive benefits, but I would not lose what I have already gained. I really have to decide, although my financial situation may become the ultimate deciding factor anyway. Next session we're treating a closing session, it's sort of going to be a summary of where we've been. I've already mentioned that when I think back to who I was before, and who I was during, and who I am after I see 3 very different people. All of them are strangers to me. It's hard to imagine me and my lifestyle now being so stifled for two years. It's hard to imagine that I could hardly sleep at night, couldn't or eat or do anything without crying for the better part of two months. And now I don't recognize this new and brilliant person who's been born of those circumstances. But it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

I still feel the pain sometimes. It passes faster these days, but it's still there. Even when I can pinpoint why. Sometimes it's literally just seeing an icon, which is usually all I can see, or will see. It's usually when I hear something about the present, not really the past anymore. I also get sad when I think about my own future, it not working out, it slowing down, getting stuck where I'm at. But it's not as scary, because I'm taking, and have been taking so many steps to get what I want. I'm proud of myself for those things. And I know if I put my best effort in, then I'm not going to let anyone down, and I ultimately that means I won't let myself down either.

In the meantime I'm discovering the meaning of relationships, and how varied and wondrous they can be. If you keep your heart open, you can find connections with the most unlikely people, and those connections can be just as unlikely and unexpected in content and variety. The human heart is capable of amazing things, if you are in tune with it. Don't lie to yourself, don't pretend to be someone else, keep it open.

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First therapy appointment in about 5 weeks this afternoon. I'm not sure where to start? I'm a slut and I like it? I've learned a hell of a lot about myself in that arena? I still feel sad and I still miss the stone. I'm dragging people under my bus? I can't form emotional attachments that make any sense? People really like me, and I don't know how to handle it? I feel numb? I think I might be in shock? I can't sit for an hour without doing something? I miss Oz more and more everyday? According to my class homework, my 'personality type' is ENFP? Things are moving so fast and I have no idea how to make decisions? I'm probably over thinking everything, and this is actually how normal people live their lives? My hours got cut, this might be my last appointment ever?

I'm not really scared of telling her all this, but more what she'll bring out of me. Which is what is supposed to happen.

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Journal Notes

New me doesn't know how to think. I have no filters, no barriers, no walls, no anchor. Old me functioned in the static familiarity.

I'm not sure if I'm fooling myself. Am I happy, or is this a flurry of snow covering a mountain?

I don't recognize who I was a two months ago, how I couldn't function beyond a few hours. But still, too many things, too soon. Somethings just don't quite feel right, don't quite fit.

"Emotionally stalled"
"Shock psychosis"

I'm more water than ever. There are too many rocks. Now even boats, drowning in my rapids.

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i hate dreams. i hate them.

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I have all these amazing things I want to write down, when I'm walking around, working, driving...but then I come back home sit at my desk...and brain farts commence.

I think my whole "Yes Man" philosophy has led me to the path of not being able to sort out what to do first in all my wants. I'm trying to do them all, but it's difficult without treading on hearts, or betraying other wants. I can't have my cake and eat it too. I can't figure out how to approach it, because before I never had cake, cause I never made myself cakes, and cakes were never thrown at me the way they seem to be these days. Do you understand my cake analogy? I suppose as things settle down a little bit, and I get some sort of routine back I might be able to figure out priorities, or which wants are more dear to me than other wants, or which needs are needed more than other needs, and only with experiences to compare do I feel like I'll gain my footing again. But I don't see that happening for a while. Especially because time is required for some, and the things I am filling that time up with either won't end or start for a little while. The next following few tids and bits are part of those things.

Going to School Again
First of all, I'm not really feeling the SMC campus vibe. I mean they've remodeled parts of it, but meh, I guess I'm just spoiled. I feel like I've downgraded. Wow I'm a snob. But I miss my Humboldt! Oh well, the roll-away classroom my class is in, is dingy broken down and reminds me of high school in a peculiar sort of way. My professor, who unfortunately sports a name I'm not too keen to say or hear at the moment, but seems to be a good fit for the type of class I'm taking: career Planning. Although I have a generalized idea of my goals, working through this course work will help to challenge my ideas of what I really think I can do based on values, personality, skills and interests. Then I can explore the options, and get more specific so I can figure out what my next step is. Sorry to sound all Hermoine Grainger but I'm desperate for more homework! I mean we'll get some, but I found myself sitting in class taking notes on ridiculous portions of the discussion, talking way too much (oh my gosh I'm one of those annoying students who won't shut up), and playing with my notebook (I have an old blank Humboldt one yippee!). I'm sure to get something out of this course. The only downside is that most other students are international, and can't speak a lick of English. I swear, you should hear the questions they ask...I'm not sure they could complete the homework let alone read the syllabus. It really slowed the class down, but that's SMC for ya.

In other news
I'm actually going to visit Humboldt. Even though the opportunity came up through annoying and ridiculous circumstances, I'm going to make the most of it. And now I can't freaking wait to be there. Although of course I'd rather be flying back to Oz, I've been meaning to see Humboldt since I left it. I'm curious to know what shape it will take in my heart again. It changed me so profoundly, that I'm sure the experience there will be a trippy one. Humbrews I want your wings, Renata I want your crepes, camel rock and college cove here I come! My plan is to fit in as much as I possibly can. If no one will go with me, I'm going alone, and that's the great thing, I remember how to get around, where to go and when!

The bad news
HOW THIS HAPPENED I DO NOT KNOW...well I do know. Pantha Du Prince came to LA last Friday, and of course his actual website didn't update his tour dates so I had no idea about it. I found out this morning when I discovered his facebook fan page. Now I feel crushed! He'll probably not come back to the states anytime soon, and I may have missed my only chance to see him live ever. 'Black Noise' has really been my theme album, not through the initial pain of what's happened, but the parts after where I started to wake up inside, feel free, even happy, all the way to Australia and back, to where I am now, pretty damn content with where my rudder-less life is leading me. Oh well, my Friday was pretty damn good, it would have been worse if I had gotten home and was sitting on my ass all night, well...I mean nevermind. Anyway today I finally see what Pantha Du Prince looks like in real life, he's pretty damn cute too!

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sometimes being the better person sucks. being a good person sucks. sigh. doing the right thing sucks.

I give up trying to figure out how I'm feeling, or how to describe it in writing. Sorry if the last few points make no sense, or contradict themselves.

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Work
I got up, got in my car and went. That was that. Didn't think about it one way or the other. Somehow I arrived work, did it, and left. Did that really happen?

Tomorrow I have class.
What a weird concept. It's in the math building, on the main campus. Like most things happening to me these days, I probably won't realize it's happening till I'm there.

I guess people like me.
Maybe I should start acting like a bimbo, start lying, stop being punctual, stop being so open. MAYBE I should stop complaining and embrace the fact that I'm pretty damn unique and pretty damn desirable. I guess I'm just not used to it, juggling it? I swear half the time I'm not even meaning to...most of the time I feel like, I'm just minding my own business, or just being myself, or not even trying and then it just happens. Um oops?

These things tie in to the next bit.

Shock
I'm not sure if things that are going to happen to me aren't settling because I've been suspended in some sort of 'shock' psychosis. I mean I put a hold the reality of being back home for two days when I arrived, and now here I sit at my desk, and I still don't feel like I'm conscious. I think back to moments this weekend, to Australia, to things before, and wonder if they happened? Did I dream those things? I look forward to Humboldt, and I feel like...yes I'll be there, but that's all. It's like I'm in a constant state of indifference. Sometimes I feel like I'm feeling something, but I can't hold on to it. I'm so confused, and pretty damn lost clearly. Or maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be? I'm wondering if I ever felt anything before? Or maybe I have been, and I just am not recognizing it? Dude I'm freaking myself out...

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I'm really happy with who I am instinctively. I'm really happy with what I'm learning, discovering, and who I am working towards becoming. But I don't feel whole enough. Not whole enough to share me. It wouldn't be fair to have half of me, I've done that for too long, and it got me no where. I've been so true to myself in the past few months, the idea of losing that frightens me. It's a lovely feeling to know others like me, for me and who I really am, but I'm heartbroken I cannot share all of me with someone. I'm not quite there yet. Not quite done healing, not quite done discovering, and I'm too committed to me, and only me. I must practice listening and doing for myself, a little more. I'll try to tread more carefully on those close to me from now on.

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I keep reaffirming what I already know about myself. These bullets are all interconnected, and related to each other. It's cyclical.

-I can't lie...I'm incapable of lying, literally.
-I am not able to hurt other people, I cannot live with the guilt.
-I'm too loyal for my own good.
-I'm too selfless, self deprecating, and you really do need to love yourself before others.
-My honesty gets me into trouble, and doesn't save me from hurting other people.
-I'm absolutely incapable of emotionally being connected, or committed to single person at this point in life.
-I'm still pretty fucked up over what happened to me, and the residual side effects are making themselves known.
-The promises I made to myself, are still more important than anyone else in my life, and no matter how lonely I get, I know if I don't do this now I will regret it, and secretly want things in the future.
-I'm learning new things about me everyday, while discovering who I really am through the process.
-Being 'single' is scary, confusing, and mean...how do you let people in, and then let them go? How can people take that risk? Or do that to other people?

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Leaving

Friday morning, June 18th.

Take a step back. Listen.
I am without roots. I have no feeling of attachment to LA, to California, to anywhere.

But the thought of leaving Australia unfinished is making me tear up. It's strange, I feel like I'm leaving a person behind. A person I just met, but felt a special connection to. And this person is more important than any other. All my plans and priorities from back in the states seem like stupid spells I was trying to cast on myself to gain meaning, to impress, to please other people. But the most meaning I've felt in a long time, has been here, coming here, moving through this place. And I haven't even left the city. The notion that that feeling might increase exponentially if I move through more of Australia, is strong. Almost too strong. The meaning I might get from school, from job, seems quaint in comparison to this meaning I have discovered. It's like a crush, but one you know is meant to be. "You don't find lovers, they are always in you". I think it was always in me, for years it has always been in me. Like a heater in the corner, not used, but the idea is pleasant- then suddenly turning it on and being warmed up through toes.

No matter how cliche this sounds, but life is a series of moments, and you have to live in them. Listen to your heart, and live in them. In this moment, my heart aches at the thought of leaving things unfinished here. I've learned so much from my time here, from the people I have met, and the people I heard from back in the states. Everything has shaped this moment.

I'm coming back. I may not go back to school, I may not move out of my moms house, I may be heart broken still, I may be suppressing things, I may hurt other people. But I am coming back here.

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Backed Up

Thursday morning June 17th

I'm totally behind in updating my dear old Blog. In a few sentences: I've gone to the aquarium, and to the beaches here in Sydney. Been taking care of sick Anna and watching Firefly. Walking up and down Glebe, to the water and to the Broadway. Went to Trivia night and answered all the nerd questions...

It's my last full day here, supposed to go to the zoo, but it's drizzling of course. I leave tomorrow night, and I really don't want to. My departure suddenly snuck up on me. It's not that I'm completely in love with Sydney, I mean yes it's a great city, it could be a home to me. But I feel I need more time away from LA, or maybe it's just a real sign that I need to get out of there, which I've always known. There are only a couple things to look forward to upon my return, but I think a fire has been lit that might be stronger than anything I have planned. I want to keep moving. But everything is so up in the air, I'm still hollowed out and the new things that get blown in to fill me up, seem to get blown out again rather easily. I have no idea what I'll feel like when I get home.

For now I'll think about Australia:

-Aquarium. It is located in Darling Harbor at the Cockle Bay end. This little inlet reminded me so much of Long Beach that I thought I was in California for a minute. I’m boycotting the platypus. I travel 7000 miles to finally see one, to prove they aren’t just made up, and the damn thing was in its burrow. Apparently they spend most of their time in their burrows. Either way I’m convinced they still don’t exist. However I did get to see a Dugong! The south pacific’s version of the manatee. And I have to say they really are like giant cows. They look stupid they just float there after eating some lettuce and stare off into space. I mean this may be because they’re in a tank, and there is nothing else to do, but maybe it’s because they really are just that stupid and don’t really have much else to think about but digesting lettuce. Other than that they have a bunch of Australian fresh water fish, and fresh water fish kind of give me the creeps. Anna and I agree we like the coral tanks, where all the fish are sparkly and colorful and just plain pretty. It was really cool to see fish from another hemisphere!

-Fanny = vagina. Just like in Britain. So when you receive one after winning at Trivia contest say, Bum Bag...not Fanny pack. The nerd question that helped my team win last night, was something having to do with Star Wars. Either it was what were the two squadrons called that were the result of the Red Squadron breaking up after the Death Star was destroyed by Luke? I said Renegade was one, and I have no idea why the heck that suddenly hit me. But the other one was Rogue...either way I was proud of my nerdness!

-Cabbies. I swear Anna and I have the most intimate conversations in Sydney cabs. I'm pretty sure every cab driver knows something 'private' (although I'm like the least private person I know) about me. If they all got together they could write a book about me.

-If I have to hear one more vuvuzela comment, OMG...

-Dogs. I swear I have yet to see an unhappy or obnoxious dog in Sydney. They all look soooo giddy. In fact, although Anna does not agree, I think 80% of dogs are Dalmations. Or maybe I keep seeing the same 3 Dalmations.

-Beaches. We did the 6 Kilometer walk from Bondi to Coogee Beaches along the coast. Super beautiful of course, describing it is sort of useless, somethings you just have to see. I got a sense of what the summer would be like here, crowded, hot and sticky. But the water is clear and aquamarine. I think the trippy part for me was watching the sun set over land, rather than sea. It just feels so wrong! The sun should only dip in to the sea. And the Pacific Ocean should not be to the east of me, it should always be to the west. It boggles my spatial mind.

Anyway...there a certainty in my mind that I have to come back. But I said that about Humboldt, I must go back. Now I can, and will, there is no more mental block stopping me from those things. I'm excited!

PS Trueblood… Sam and Bill almost make out dream scene, pretty damn hot.

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Parallel Universe

Mon evening, June 14th. I think.

Last night I sort of thought, I’m on a different continent. Meaning it finally kind of sunk in. Anna and I discussed that we felt like Sydney is rather like a parallel universe, or Déjà Vu land. It’s like home, but slightly askew, yet familiar. I mean the thing is, it’s like America in some ways, maybe the vibe mostly, but at the same time it’s mixed with Britain, which is why it might be less different for me. I really do like it here.

I’ve met more foreign people here, than I have met Australians, and of the Australians I’ve met very few are from Sydney. Most people are Irish it seems. It’s clear that I wouldn’t last a minute in Ireland, unless I seriously learned how to talk to one without either boring them to death, or not catching on to their self deprecating jokes. Then again, I might die from alcohol poisoning before that mattered anyway. I know it’s stereotypical, but you really don’t know how true it is, till you’ve seen 20 Irish putting away bottles of wine like no bodies business. Even the most experienced drinker back home, has absolutely no chance at an Irish BBQ.

In other news my heart maybe broken, the pain is still too close, but I’ve recently discovered it still works. I can still be filled up. My capacity is never ending, and it's still open for more. And with the right person, you can trust again. It’s a wonderful discovery, and I’m even more dedicated than ever to my inner independence quest too, so that I may have both when the time comes. Because the glimpses I’ve caught of me as a whole person is a very wonderful picture, and I am getting so close. I cannot stray now, and I have no intention

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Boys are Easy

How to get Aussie Boys in your Pocket
-Have Anna straighten your hair and put make up on you.
-Do say “yeah”…apparently saying “uh yeah” is very American. And “really cute”.
-Talk about American Football and how it sucks, especially if you are watching a FIFA match.
-Talk about beer; highlight what you know about it.
-When they say, “you sound Canadian”, say “Trust me I wish I were”.
-Most of the time they don’t catch on to American sarcasm. Fix by saying, “I’m being sarcastic, I heard a rumor you guys don’t get that down here?” They’ll get it instantly.
-Giving an email address is viewed as blowing someone off. This is good and bad.
-Good qualities are described as “sexy” down unda.

Boys are easy, especially ones at bars. If they talk to you, assume it’s a penis with a face. I’d say 90% of bars are watering holes. The wingman will always be the ‘nice guy’, if you’re into that, go for him instead. That's all you really need to know. To get what you want or don’t, appeal to a penis, not a person. If you play that game, you’re the one in control, and they won’t even realize it. Call them out on their crap, or their intentions, it throws them off - Good to know that my blunt honesty is internationally appreciated. Kisses me. “Are you surprised?” “No I saw that coming two hours ago when you first started talking to me.” “Wow.” “Yeah I’m pretty honest about that kind of crap, plus you’re a boy, what else do you want? Really?” “Wow, you’re blunt I like it."

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Viruses, Ventures, and Venting

Friday, noontime, June 11

Slacking off again. Sorry folks, I’ve caught an Australian virus, and all sort of snot is coming out. Plus anyway, I’m on vacation. I’ve decided this is not a serious travel trip, as much as it’s been a vacation from my life that just happens to be in an urban environment rather than a tropical beach. All the better a little culture, and some relaxation is exactly what I was looking for. Next trip, maybe even a back packing one (wink wink hint hint) will be hard work trip, where I actually have to try haha.

So since I’m sneezing and coughing and it’s blustery outside I’ve decided I have no choice but to take easy and write. Anyway, the past couple days have been pretty all over the place for me. Brought back down to depths, to be flung right up to clouds. On I guess Wednesday it must have been (I don’t know I’ve lost track of time and even space down unda) I hopped on the 431 buses alone. Yes my first adventure on another continent unaccompanied by a chaperone. I’m 24, and I can finally say that. The 431 takes you down Glebe Point Road cuts across to George Street and goes back up to the CBD. I got off about 10-20 blocks away from the street I was supposed to get off and basically zigzagged for about an hour until I ended up on the front step of the Museum of Sydney. I had doubts about my sense of direction, and like an ashamed geography I did double-check my map, but I was always going the correct direction! I’ve never spent so much time between skyscrapers, and just like the night Anna and I walked home through the CBD there were people everywhere…going to stop right there Taylor has decided my lap is for cats not computers and fingers are scratchies and not typing and since I was robbed of a kitty recently and don’t see any kitties in my foreseeable future, I cant say no!

And she’s had enough. I am a slave to the feline race I swear. Anyway while I was traipsing through the CBD, I saw from afar someone I knew. A superior from my place of employment, someone I go to questions with everyday at work. Now he was across George and I wasn’t going to risk my life running across the street, but I’m pretty damn sure it was he. I mean our parent company is based in Sydney, in one of the many buildings that I weaved in and out of that day, so it was probably him. Just waiting for confirmation from a coworker. But even so, what are the chances those 7000 miles away you’ll run into someone you know? The world is a small place.
The Museum of Sydney is pretty tiny. I mean it’s not bad, there are things to learn about Sydney but it’s only 3 stories and I’d say less then 10 rooms, with different things. I was most interested in the aboriginal stuff I might find in there, and of course while every other room was dedicated to the first fleet and exhibit on the depression, the building or the Opera House etc., there was only one small cramped room for the aboriginal people their culture, history, and of the what the land called Gadigal was like before Sydney was built on top of it. Very disappointing. There are uncanny similarities between Native American issues and aboriginal one’s here in Australia. And most of those similarities sadly are negative.

After I left the museum I made my way to the bus stop, got off at the bottom of Glebe and marched my way back up to Anna’s house stopping at shops and things on the way. I couldn’t help myself I had to get a bag of Smithies crisps and two Mars bars. But I made it home, and there was Anna waiting like a worried mum. “I feel bad I should have packed you a lunch, were you cold, it was cold today, did you take your coat?”

Yesterday, oh yesterday. I swear this always happens, everyone IMs and emails me within a 20-minute period. This is when my emotional state really deteriorated. Will I go into that here in my Australia posts, no. I suppose I sort of brought it on myself, and I hope my explanation can be understood and respected, but as of now I cannot deal with this till I get back to the States and away from Aussie posting. Needless to say I had a rough morning, and am grumpy about its residual side affects. However there amazing people in my life, and to those people I say thank you. You lifted me back up to the clouds, you know who you are :)

After that, we decided SPA DAY. Having decided not to go to Hunter Valley we decided to spend a chunk of change at Natures Energy. I’ve never been to a day spa before, seemed like exactly what I needed. We spent 30 nude minutes in the Luke warm spa (they call hot tubs, spas here, and apparently like them luke warm) then bundled up in robes and upstairs we went for 60-minute massages. Anna and I later discussed how massages in general should be included in because you really are removed from society. It’s like a rift in the matrix, a place suspended. I’ve never gotten a professional massage before, and it was lovely. Then I got my nail, god knows why, because Caitlin doesn’t do the whole Mani Pedi thing…but yes now I have hot pink toenails people. Afterward we froze our Asses off running home in the cold. I’m sure that didn’t help me, because when I got home the snots started.

So here I am with my roll of toilet paper watching some TV, catching you fine readers up on my blog.

Ps I have hope in people, but my heart knows best. I'm listening to it, and it needs to grow, change and time will tell. At the spa, we were asked to write down a wish and to tie it to their wish tree. I wished for the strength to remain true to myself and what I want for me.

Notes from the journal:
-Burger King is called Hungry Jacks here.
-I must be the only tourist in the world to make a note of the card shop I just saw on George with Magic the Gathering posters in the window.
-Ew. They pronounce Nissan here “niece-en”. What the heck people, learn to speak English! Wait that's Japanese never mind.

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The Sites you must Sight

Wednesday morning June 9th

Some Tips
When you’re at the mall in Sydney stay on the left side of the moving stairs and walkways.

Do not tip more than a couple dollars, and only tip if you think they were extra special to you.

If you take the bus, make sure you ask the driver to let you know where your stop is, since they do not announce it.

You are always the same person no matter where you go. I still miss Jordan, even here thousands of miles and months later. And I don’t really feel bad about myself for saying it or even thinking it. And even thousands of miles away you can grow closer to someone. I’m not sure how to feel about that, except butterflies. I guess I’m saying, there is confirmation that no matter where you go, you take yourself with you. A mini escape can only remove you so far from your life. But you are always you.

The Sites you must Sight.
Anna and I did the obligatory Opera House and Harbor bridge visit via walking around the Circular Quay (pronounced ‘key’) and a quick walk through the botanical gardens. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like I felt forced to do it at all, in fact I’ve wanted to get up close and personal with that big pointy building for years. It’s so pretty down there that I might have to go back before I leave. We all associate the Golden Gate Bridge with San Francisco, but the Opera House seems to be an even more powerful symbol for Sydney. First of all it’s quirky as heck, which fits Australia quite well. Since everything here is just a little quirky in some way. I mean they have giant hopping and boxing pouched animals hopping around. Sometimes when you get up close to something you’ve only seen in pictures, it can be quite disappointing...some hotels in Vegas are like that. But the Opera House does not disappoint, in fact you want to take so many pictures of the weird angles and pointy roofs that it’s hard to walk by it without staring at it’s magnificence. It really is amazing.

I guess when I look at the pictures I took of us standing around in front of the Harbor bridge and the Opera House it seems more real to me, that I actually stood there in front of it, finally. It was such a lovely day out, quite crisp and Anna and I must have been the only people in summery dresses. I feel like the only thing that could have made this day out more special is if Olga were there too. We miss you lovely!

Strolling through the botanical gardens past a heard of cockatoos I think was even more surreal than standing in front of the Opera House. They waddled around like ducks scraping their faces against the grass. It got even crazier when I took underneath the flock of bats hanging upside down. I really want to take one of those things home! They’re the size of house cats, with cute fox faces and wings! I’m going to have to come back during better lit hours, because frankly the only people left in the park at dusk are couples making out and bats. I’ve never felt more awkward and creeped out at the same time.

On our walk back, through the CBD at night we passed hundreds of trendy business people, vacating the buildings and heading to their respective homes. They were all bundled up in boots and lovely coats, walking with determination. The CBD is definitely that the business district, these folks are businessy. It’s bustling and I imagine this is what any city with more than just a few sky-scrapers (like in LA) bunched up together would feel like. I liked it.

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Day 3 and 4

Monday morning June 7 (pictures will be posted on facebook, eventually)

Eskie = Cooler box. Box of many sizes used for keeping drinks cold.

Ibis situation
The White Ibis is a wading water bird, white all over with black leathery neck and legs, and a long curved bill. Apparently since the 1970’s this bird has started migrating into urban areas due to drought in their natural habitat, and their numbers have only increased. The government hasn’t decided weather they are a nuisance or need protection. But either way, I was quite surprised to see one in the middle of the CBD right before we were going to catch our bus for the food tour. I walked right up to it, it had no fear of people and its feathers were gray from its new diet of human leftovers.

Ultimate Gourmet Food Tour
Brilliant. A small group tour of different places in Sydney. Our guide Scott piled us into the van and explained everything we went past, even though I was the only real vacationer. Many of the other folks were either foreigners living in Sydney or Sydneysiders themselves. And there are only about 10 people per tour, making for an intimate and less frazzled experience. We went on the Western tour, meaning we visited different places in the Inner West part of city. First we kicked off the tour by stopping over at a coffee roaster providing many of the gourmet restaurants in Sydney with coffee. The owner is literally the Willy Wonka of coffee, the only question we could stump him with was ‘how many beans goes into one cup?” However he was able to break down the molecular biology of his beans, and explained how different roasting machines work. His apparently is preferable because the beans are roasted by hot air, rather than direct heat.

Then we moved on to a gourmet spice shop, owned by someone who many people claim to be the spice guru of Sydney, Ian Hemphill (nickname Herbie). This place was fantastic and tiny. They sell spice kits with recipes and anything you can think of herb and spice wise. Anna bought his cook book and the spice kit to accompany it, perfect for her growing pantry. I got my mum a little something too!

My favorite part was our visit to PR Raineri an authentic Italian deli. The place is crowded, bustling and filled to the brim with imports from Italy and local Italian products. We were treated to platters of olives, salami, proscuitto, chicken, octopus, cheeses, bread and olive oil, and they even made a pasta right then and there with lemon half dried pasta, cheese, parsley and olive oil. Now I don’t know that much about Italian antipasto, although I like to think Bay Cities in Santa Monica is the southern California authority, but I can safely say Raineri’s blows Bay Cities out of the water. The procuitto melted in my mouth, I have never had anything even close to it in the States. The cheeses were out of this world, especially the ricotta; I could have eaten spoonfuls with nothing else. Anna and I bought some of their asiago and a dozen slices of salami home. This place was beyond amazing in every way. Plus it’s family owned.

Then we went to a fancy Belgian chocolate place, whose ganache was quite spectacular. Our last stop was a wine seller in Annandale where some fancy wine guy was doing a tasting, but I went and scouted out the beer situation. Happy Golbin and Fat Yak were two I purchased. I laughed my ass off at the six-pack of corona for $20 Australian. I feel bad for the poor soul who buys that.

Thank you Anna for the bestest trip idea ever. Food tours are right up my alley!!!!!! I guess that is why I like yelp so much. But having been here, I would absolutely have to say, I really do not advocate Yelp coming to Australia. I feel like the way you shop and dine in Sydney would be completely ruined by Yelping. The intimate local shops and cafes are special in their own neighborhoods and really that’s how you should find these places, by stumbling upon them, and not researching them. LA is too vast for that however, and the quality of many places is subpar. SO you do want to look up places in LA, while in Sydney almost everywhere you’re guaranteed something amazing.

A Night Out
My first night out on the town in Sydney was let’s just say ‘epic’ on many levels. Epic failure, epic fun, epic disaster, epic hotness. Anna and I first killed a $30 bottle of Champagne together, then piled in a cab to Newtown to see some indie rock band Birds of Tokyo, who if I weren’t drunk might have been boring as all hell, even though everyone in the place was going nuts over them. Either way drinks kept coming from Anna’s lovely girlfriends so needless to say I was pretty darn plastered by the time we headed over to the next place. A 3-story bar/club called Zanzibar. I had something called a Gingerman for $15, which basically pushed me over the edge. But the bartender was out of this world pretty, so I went and got another one. On our way to the next bar, I only made it the planter outside. The bouncer was amazing, he brought me a bottle of water (although all I remember were his feet). We grabbed a cab home, and I don’t really recall the rest of the night except barfing in Anna’s toilet, and getting all emotional which seems to happen a lot to me when I drink that much. I haven’t had a night like that in years either, and I remember why. Although the night ended in ridiculousness, I really like the Sydney nightlife scene. Or what I can remember. Places where you can walk, or cab between bars really do have the best drinking atmosphere. Makes me loathe LA more and more.

The next day (Sunday) of course was spent recuperating, with endless salami and cheese sandwiches.

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Sydneysiders and Aspirations

Saturday Morning June 5th

Yesterday it poured and poured. Apparently this has been the wettest May in about 10 years, great for the Australian drought, but not so great for the locals. It seems most ‘Sydneysiders’ cannot cope with poor weather. To them it’s the greatest and most unbearable nuisance. A depression of sorts has settled over the locals who would prefer their sun-oriented city just that, sunny. Either way on account of the rain I stayed home snuggled on Anna’s couch with Taylor the B&B’s cat and watched the Australian food channel. Australian TV reflects closely the actual vibe I’ve experienced while here so far. “Laid back” is the best way I can label it. No one is freaking shouting at you in commercials and they use slang freely in supposedly serious newscasts. Watching TV is like slowing down. Or at least the food channel appeared that way. My personal favorite was The Cook and The Chef, a show with a middle aged woman and a young trendy chef stand around exchanging recipes that are completely the opposite. In fact most of the Australian cooking shows I watched, all consisted of two hosts playing off of each other and making light-hearted jokes at each others expense.

After my day of vegetating, Anna and I attended a going away dinner for one of her closer friends here, an American who’s been here for close to a year. I’m happy Anna has found the people she’s always wanted to surround herself with in life. Two of the American’s in attendance had just returned from a 3 week road trip via camper van through southern Australia and all the way up to Alice Springs. My god I’ve never wanted to walk in someone elses shoes so badly. Road tripping through Australia (or New Zealand) is one of my top travel ideas. Meeting two people who actually did this, had an amazing time has really left me with an intense desire to do something very similar, and very soon. Sadly not this trip, but damnit I’m coming back. I need to find that special travel partner however. I think what made this couple’s trip more amazing, is that they weren’t a couple at all. In fact they were acquaintances with similar aspirations, which were introduced, as ‘you guys would be perfect travel buddies’. Maybe I’m saying this because I’m beyond jaded still, but I find the appeal of going with a boyfriend type figure to be obnoxious and stifling. I feel like if this distant goal ever comes to fruition I’d want nothing romantically to do with the person I’m traveling with, and frankly I’d want it to be a boy.

Something else rather interesting I learned through conversation with the Australian’s at this dinner party, is that Australian’s don’t suffer from a lack of employment. In fact most people in Sydney are relatively comfortable expense wise, but they’re not challenged enough with opportunities for advancement, and that has caused a sort of lull in the need to strive to be the best at something. I mean who the heck knows if this generalization is anywhere close to fact, but I’m just passing along the information that some locals feel about their city.

Anyway, that is all for now, off on a market food tour!

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24 Hours in Sydney

Friday Morning June 4 (Yes this is Caitlin of the future)

So I believe in miracles. Because somehow after watching Avatar the first few hours of my plane ride I actually fell asleep and woke up with only 3 hours to go. Glorious! So I arrived, feeling like I’d hardly traveled 7500 miles, but rather took a long car ride. It still hasn’t settled in that I’m even on another continent. I’ve been trying my best to take notes, so that I could accurately describe my feelings on this other continent, but I’ve been a poor travel writer. So let me summarize so far:

When I first arrived it was dark, I slipped easily enough through customs, and stuffed myself in a cab. “Glebe please”, I said to the driver then smashed my face against the window and searched for the CBD (Central Business District) skyline. Suddenly it loomed ahead of us shrouded in gray rain, pointy and lumped together so no building was individually distinguishable, this gave it a space age quality.

Yes, the weather has been rainy, which most people here have told me they do not like. I love it! The rain here reminds me of Humboldt’s summer storms, brief downpours and a slight chill to the air, but in no way freezing by any means. Then suddenly the sun will come out, and everything is wet and sparkly.

I guess I expected to be more shocked, or intrigued is perhaps the right word, as we sped along to Glebe. But I guess it’s not surprising that I felt reminded of Britain, driving on the left side, the traffic signs have similar designs, even the pavement eerily remind me of Britain. Plus I guess I’m used to English being spoken with a foreign accent, it hasn’t really tripped me up yet to hear other folks speaking. I arrived within 20 minutes at Anna’s front gate, but I still didn’t feel like I was on another continent. I punched in the code, maneuvered my way through leaves and cat poo to her porch. The most noticeable difference I have to say, are the noises the birds make. There aren’t annoying sparrows chirps, but rather long whistles and shrieks, and sometimes the laugh of a kookaburra.

After catching up with Anna, drinking tea and eating Australian crumpets, I took a shower. I like judging a place by the feel of it’s water. Southern California water, just feels harsh, or to me it feels like it’s traveled hundreds of miles through concrete and pipes, because well it has. Sydney’s is glorious, even if it too was probably pumped here. Or maybe it’s Anna’s glorious showerhead.

Having walked up and down Glebe Point Road a couple times now, I’ve discovered one of my favorite things so far, the shopping situation in Glebe. There aren’t mega stores, (perhaps there are in suburbs father out) but here on Glebe Point Road they only have a few shops carrying everything, most are individual bakers, fruit and ‘veg’ shops, and meat shops, and fish shops, flower shops, shoe repair shops all lined up neatly every few blocks or so.

Anna and I ate at her favorite café ‘Elizabeth’s’ one of many small cafes and restaurants along the road. I have to say, service is very slow but that’s an Australia norm since tipping is all but non-existent here. But holy crap, the mushroom bruschetta I had was amazing. In fact all the food I have eaten here either from café or ‘veg’ shop, baker, or otherwise has been, well better. Better quality, better flavor, I don’t think of giant trucks shipping the fruit in (although it probably does) the way I feel like it is when I buy from massive super markets back home. Another reminder of how much I like places of smaller scale.

Last night, we hopped buses in the pouring rain to cross the Harbor Bridge into the North Shore to go to a benefit. Sydney is pretty trendy, but not in the pretentious LA way, and not in the quirky British way. Most people here seem to dress practically but don’t skimp out on style for trend. And my god I have never seen so many young and beautiful (and mostly white or Asian people) walk by me on the street at one time. So I may feel ugly as heck, but at least my ‘style’ seems to fit in quite nicely haha.

On the cab ride home from the North Shore I wiped the condensation from the taxi window and stared up at the dark CBD buildings, twisted my neck around to get a better view of the bridge itself, it still didn’t hit me that I’m in Sydney. This morning waking up after a luxurious night of solid sleep, it still has not settled in that I am in Sydney.

So yes, Sydney isn’t a giant city like LA, most cities aren’t…but Sydney is only one tiny point on a vast continent, who’s scale is bigger than I could possibly grasp having only been here 24 hours. Although I may not get to see most of that continent this trip, I try to imagine what lies beyond the horizon when I look out over Anna’s porch at the rolling hills of Glebe. Try to envision red sand, koalas, kangaroos, eucalyptus woodlands etc. all the things people think of when they think Australia, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that those things do exist and are only several hundred miles away from me, rather than 7000.

In the meantime I’ll try to take more notes about the vernacular of Australia. Things we don’t see on TV, don’t read in books, don’t see in movies.

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I may have no rudder, but I'm happy. Forgive me, if I tread on something sensitive without thinking. I mean no harm, and am still exploring, soul searching, and discovering things about myself. I'm a little selfish right now. Whether I really am wearing blinders, is not something I think I'll know until after this phase.

It has not settled in that I will be boarding a 14 hour flight to another continent tomorrow night. Needless to say, that means the next couple weeks of blog posts will be all about Sydney! Maybe it will settle in, when I land and everyone has a different accent.

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I really don't like going backwards, but it happens. It is always going to happen, about something. There is no such thing as forever, about anything. Water changes , and it is changed too. Maybe I like travel (and I think I've written this before years ago) because there is no way to get stuck in one place, or with one person, or doing one thing. It's changing. Plus you encounter so much 'new' that you can hardly even focus on yourself. When I realized it was escapism, I started worrying (like I do) that this was a 'bad thing'. Rather, what my sister does, what my mum's side of the family does....avoids the situation in front of them. And when we do face those, we have no idea how the hell to handle it, end up feeling sorry for ourselves, end up irritable, end up screwing up. So we run away. So why not? Why shouldn't I want to get up and keep moving? I think I go backwards, when I'm not being distracted, when I'm not moving, when I'm not escaping in some sense...and I wonder, is this a bad thing? Does this mean I really haven't gained any ground at all in the first place, but rather I've just put on convenient blinders?

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More tids and bits

I surprise myself everyday, last night was no exception. I want to experience so many things without answering to anyone, while I'm young. I didn't think I wanted that before, and I'm still nervous and shy as shit, but I'm excited. I've got nothing to lose because it's what my heart wants. The freedom is new, scary and empowering and intoxicating.

The farther I reach in to the electronic genre...the more I want to get lost in European clubs, with who knows what kind of European sleaze.

"Doesn't every girl want to sleep with a motorcycle rider?" Haha boys are dumb.

I can't believe no one forced me to watch Terminator, I actually liked it.

Just a few weeks ago, I couldn't bare the thought of being on my own. Now I can't wait to live on my own, or not with an authoritative or influential figure...a roommate that doesn't talk or make noise would work out well.

Uploading pictures of mum in Amsterdam, doing 'those things' what you're supposed to do in Amsterdam is putting me to shame. Sometimes I don't feel like my mother's daughter, but the future is open!

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Thoughts from the journal

Beyond jaded, but I think I like people, and there are so many to get to know! I don't want to let anyone in, but I will in spite of myself, because that is who I am.

I think I could hurt a lot of people, but I could never hurt the stone, or maybe I did, but he never told me.

I can feel my blue skin dancing under the moon again, an ancient rumbling in my bones.

Sometimes I'm so excited I feel like I want to go every direction at once. I think though it's a symptom of not having a rock in your life. You're pulled in every direction, and with no reference point to make decisions the freedom can be a little overwhelming. But I like it, I like it a lot right now.

I've either driven by the airport or been at the airport 5 times in the past 24 hours, and the smell makes me want to fly. And guess what, I AM! In 6 Days (June 1) I leave, and 14 hours after that (June 3) I land. Yes I'm still coping with the fact that I will not exist on June the 2. Date lines are funny things.

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