So schools coming to an end. ill be back home soon. away from everything that has become so dear to me. to return to things that used to be the only things dear to me. i dont think i will realize how much this year will mean to my life until later. ive started things now. my life didnt end after high school. im doing something now. ive met people, experimented, experienced, and just lived in a whole new world. i cant wait for summer, even though it's bitter sweet. I cant wait for august. I cant wait for next summer. I cant wait for the rest of my life to unfold.

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I wonder if I have written about this before? Well they say that smell is the strongest of the senses when it comes to connecting to a memory. But today I put my iTunes on random, which means its filtering through my whole library and through the stuff I wouldn’t normally listen to or have not in a while and songs keep popping up that I remember from a certain time in my life. I attach the music that is present when i am with a person or in a place. Like Pinback reminds me of Aleisha and founders hall. Kara’s Flowers and Tenacious d, Olga and cruising in her car. The Hippos are Anna and Manhatten beach. Switchfoot Colleen in Colin's car. Phish, Sara McLachlan Colin and his dorm room. The Velvet Teen and Matt. Heather and the New Radicals or Semisonic. Theres so many things I can connect to people and places its kinda crazy. It’s so horribly sad at times too. Bitter sweet, annoying that I cant just enjoy the music with out getting all sentimental and romantic. But sometimes it pulls me back to places i really do i want to remember and i am happy for that, i am happy that these times can be pulled out of me like weeds growing at the bottom of a pond.

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I stayed behind in biology today. The lab smelled like Thai food, having burned peanuts all morning for energy measurements. Either way one of the students stayed back too, he’s older must be late twenties, said he was a cosmology major or something along those lines. He’s typical Humboldt-scruffy, wearing old jeans, a sherpa-wannabe-hat, a pair of leather hiking boots, and fleece sweater. His eyes, which I had never cared to notice till today, are green. Either way he’s the kind of guy you would expect to see somewhere with a huge pack on his back squinting at the sun. He and my lab instructor were talking about cell function and process and he sort of sat back in his chair and he chuckled.
“I grew up this atheist kid, took AP biology in high school, knew the reason for this thing and that thing and believed and still do that evolution is what shaped all of life and created these thousands of different processes. But as I grow older and go more places see more things of such immense complexity it’s hard to believe that there isn’t something behind all of it besides just evolution. It’s so hard to fathom and take in all this stuff and not question. It’s insane to wonder how if you did one thing different in a tiny process how the earth and universe could be totally different. One mistake and change can make your vision, ya know? It’s so unbelievable sometimes.”
I wonder if the longer you live the wiser you become you begin to have more faith or more spirituality. I believe I have started that. I don’t believe in god or in anything of the sort but one begins to see everything differently the more you know. How everything is completely intertwined. How you cant really regret the past because if it didn’t happen there would be no life now for better or for worse. Everything and everyone is so directly but seemingly distant that its all like one thing. Like a tree or something so many parts so big and sturdy and delicate at the same time.

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For all those people who say i will not be able to do it, that im stupid, that i wont last, that ill smell i want to say this. im already boring enough, i need all the freaking support i can get here. i need to live here, try something get good at something. do you understand? if i dont im worthless, im mediocre at a bunch of things and not good at one thing.

I come from upstairs and sit on the arm chair. my dad is fast asleep on the brown leather couch in front of the TV. He does this all the time, turns on the tv and takes a nap. he's like a dog in that he can sleep anywhere, and now in writing this i realize i can do the same thing. anyways the tv is turned up loud and i look to see whats on. It's the movie "the black swan", Tyrone Power handsome, too handsome for a real pirate fights some "badies" as my dad would say with his foil. i sit down and watch and its so great because ive seen it before. the lady enters and the music turns all soft and weepy like lace on a table. and i find myself wishing i could be a swashbuckling pirate guy with a sword. swinging between boats all in the name of the queen. next will be a cowboy movie and my dad will tell me about when he was my age he would watch these movies over and over and think that it was actually happening in front of him, that the west still had to be won from the nasty indians.

I think about these many many many occasions and i realize how much i still wish like the little kid i used to be. so yes this is a real thing i want to do, i want to see my hands in taters, my skin brown like a polynesian. I was to hang on for dear life while the mast swings 15 feet one way and 15 feet the other. The Lady Washington could be the best thing to ever happen to me, if i can get to do it.

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You could not have hurt that much if you did not love that much.
I feel like I can hardly focus on anything, I cant even read a page of a book without my thoughts wandering off the page and walking off the edge of my desk into the wastebasket.
Dreams of weathered hands and brown skin, salt all over me, like glazed donuts.
Old nuisances still there, a hair on my head I keep flattening.
Damn you.
Damn me.
Screw it, yet the future keeps coming and I am stifling it. All I have to do is fall off the cliff, tip over the edge once again. But I will not come tumbling down like a waterfall, the cup is less then half full, the milk is Luke-warm at the end.

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buried by sand all of a sudden. reaching my hands up for help. and i get it, in the form of words that everyone needs to hear when they get a little stressed. im almost happy im stressed about school, its a good focus. i just wish as i always have that i could put all the effort into my studies, and i would not be in this predicament. but so it goes... either way its the final push before the end. things will work out, im going to grow up, ill be on my own one day, and i may not be happy but ill be getting to what i want on my own. and maybe ill fail but ill still get up, i always do dont i?

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HAR HAR HAR. I am done with this sappy romantic sort of living, if am going to get anywhere i have to be like a freaking tree trunk, and i will last for years and years. So i am going to just stop it. Somethings to do: Focus, Emmerse Yourself, No more misleading pain, Stomp on paranoia, start thinking about yourself and then stop and dedicate yourself to something else, most of all just let go. Stop caring about it, stop caring caitlin, stop it right now. Distance yourself, find yourself- do what you want, stop waiting for things that are not coming. Stop trying to please other people. Be honest, be bluntly honest. Tell the truth. Dont talk about this to people, dont talk to people unless it is necessary to share otherwise they just do not really care. Instead of saying i hope i can do it, just go with it, and do whatever you want with out anyone's approval you dont need it.

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Light

Light
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

I forgot where it all started. Where the spark actually came from, I know where it burned, still burns and glows sometimes fading in and out like the sun through the leaves in the forest. And then we watch American Beauty, and although it’s just a movie, it reminds me of that first step that I took of a staircase that went up and down and spiraled out of control. And then it tapers out to a straight path- the keystone so that everything can smooth out like paper and that is when you see the beauty. I have always been looking for it since. American Beauty, The Thin Red Line and The Secret Life of Bees remind me that I need to keep looking for it, even on the jagged parts of the path, where you seem to be climbing a ladder or falling down where the land suddenly fell away. If I can keep this as a reminder folded up in my mind perhaps I could keep myself going more effortlessly, learn how to fly over those misshapen steps. But there never a going to be a perfect way of walking, you can never really be as stable and uncompromised mentally as you might think. Unless you lived a thousand years, because this lifespan does not give us enough time to be wise, things will always come along that you are not ready for, you have not prepared for and you will have to battle and cry or laugh and love and then above all learn and grow. Help those who come next.

I guess I am trying to say that this is where my spectrum of emotion that I am always talking about comes from. I want to feel it all to its fullest extent, and so now I devote my heart entirely to the things I have a passion for. The things and people I love. I do not know if I am alone in this, and I wonder if I will ever find someone who feels the same great tug towards some light that I do. If I would ever find them if they were out there. But perhaps and now that I think about it, obviously everyone lives differently and sees the world, approaches it uniquely. That in itself is beautiful.

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I love how sleep makes the world go away, and really does start a new day. Returns you to normal, restores you brain and sanity. cause this morning i am so much better. back to being okay again. maybe ill get set off one more time, but i can just go to sleep, i can get away that way. then summer will come and ill save and really go away like everyone else.

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Good enough for what?
For anyone
I’m eccentric and too emotional and that scares people
I make them tense
And people think I am seriously incapable of taking care of myself
And that I am spastic and space out because I’m mentally unstable
And it’s probably true
But the fact that he left me because of that, makes me believe I am way too much to handle and I’ll never get the protection I want
In the end I guess this is what makes me believe that a relationship could never work for me, even though I felt the greatest and most stable I have ever felt in one
That’s why I have no desire, for any sort of contact with anyone right now physical or emotional
I wish I meant something to someone
Or that I did at sometime and that I understood why they stopped
That people would stop lying and just be open and tell the blunt truth for once
I’m just a mess
I’m scared of what ill be like later in life
I think ill end up like my sister
I’m frustrated and confused and sad
Most of all I’m just frightened

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I keep having moments of extreme fear, its not that im not scared of something happening to me in that moment. It's actually that im terrified that i have no idea what im doing. i have no purpose or direction and everything i do ultimately means nothing to anyone. I feel like im falling through glue, that my body is moving slowly and everything is coated with gobs excpet my mind which frantically trys to figure out what the hell i want. Who am i? Why am i walking around here in the woods? Why is it so dim when there isnt that warmth next to you like a flame lighting the hyroglyphics in a temple? why is there nothing in my life that makes everything else worth it? why cant i find my damn passion and pursue it?
On the other hand and in completely opposite of these moments i am positive-i seem to be coming out of something else, and i did have the best weekend i have had in a long time and my good mood has been lasting.

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Stuff to do before I am too old or dead…(work in progress)
1) Travel to as many countries as I can
2) Go ice fishing
3) Never stop writing
4) Finish school
5) Go to a strip club
6) Have sex (and be good at it)
7) Visit England and Scotland thoroughly
8) Learn to crochet, surf, sail, backpack, cook, play cello
9) Backpack on every continent and New Zealand
10) Keep a vegetable garden- grow a pineapple
11) Keep a horse, and go horse packing
12) Go to every state
13) See a moose, polar bear, platypus
14) Swim with dolphins
15) Go on a hot air balloon ride
16) Go hang gliding
17) Get arrested, preferably protesting a cause I believe in.
18) See a volcano erupt
19) Stay in the best suite of a five star hotel
20) Fly first class
21) Join the mile high club
22) See the northern lights
23) Make fire without matches
24) Dine and dash
25) Participate in a flash mob
26) Swim in every large body of water I can
27) Learn how to ask for beer in as many languages as I can
28) Get a tattoo
29) Skinny dip
30) Be an extra in a film
31) Have family or home of some kind
32) Live on a boat and sail to other countries
33) Publish something
34) Sleep in a hammock for a week
35) Stay friends with my friends
36) Be on an island alone
37) Sleep in an igloo
38) Take pictures
39) Make another list with Aleisha when this one has been completed.
40) Do something abnormal to my hair
41) Live in a foreign country
42) Drive the 101
43) Stay up for five nights or as long as physically possible

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so i found out through conversation that what i want are arms that i can hide in. curl up and stay there safe. I guess ive only had four pairs of arms that i have felt safe in. Today i walked by the laundary room and suddenly i though i was in olgas house, her hugging me and making everything brighter somehow. She and anna in selected moments have made everything better, and when i catch hints of them in places its lovely. my mothers arms tight and bony. when i was a little girl they were the safest place i could find. now i dont know what they would do for me, probably nothings changed. there was another pair too and that brand are what i seem to want right now. "I would reach across the grand canyon to be in arms like those" i said in this conversation. "its the best feeling in the world". i dont know if ill ever have arms like those again, have a feeling from that contact again. and now that i know it i want it more.

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Selected pieces of writing:

i feel like someones submerging me in oil. on the other hand ive been very productive today as far as school goes. but everything else is being compressed and i am feeling it right down there in my toes, every portion of my body is wierdly anxious, i can hardly relax. im not really worried as im curious as to when i can get over whatever my problem is. what the fuck is my problem anyway. why is there someone stepping on my chest.

i seem to get attached to things when they are are my first things. im starting to wonder if i am going to eternally feel this way cause i made the decision to be friends. I never had a chance to get away from it. i wonder if it would have made a difference. all i know is that im still being affected by it even though i go in and out of being ok and being heartbroken and being angry. its becuase i have nothing else to think about cuase it was the only thing i have had that really meant anything. so when i think about times like that i think about those specific times and no others and so im just perpetuating this cycle of saying why? and why not? i cant get the only things i have out of my head!!!!

besides all that and with all that i thought of something else today. i once said to someone that instead of the hole thats in my heart being filled with what i had those days 19-25(feb), i just got something else added, the hole was still there but there was just other land to walk around on. and i could stay away from the hole. now the new piece of land has fallen through too leaving another hole to run into when i walk around.

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i just keep feeling utterly squished. i hate that my posting has reverted to this but its one of the only places i can really say everything i want to say without worrying if im talking to a wall or a tape recorder or someone who pretends to care. i really just dont understand what i did wrong. why couldnt have things ended with some crazy splat against a windsheild instead of being spread like butter. also why am i letting people bother me so much. past few days i almost cant handle being around certain people with out feeling like im being folded like origami. Im having major relapses and paranoia about stuff i thought i was over, i thought i could handle. I wish i could just go away for a while. i actually have that feeling that i had way back when i just wanted to go away and not know who i am just start in some random place and then come back after a few days of amnesia. i kinda feel like this whole past semester and a half has been some wierd cloak of fake-ness. like the way i feel right now is actually how i have always felt and will always feel and basically who i am fundamentally. maybe thats why travel appeals to me so much, maybe thats why my sister runs away so much. becuase for a short time when you are adapting to something completely new you have no time to think about yourself, you just have time to think about surviving and getting some sort of life. but then when you do and things settle in and stuff starts happening and you've adapted you have to pick up and leave because the cloak has fallen off and you go back to being your real self. but on this scale that i have recently come up with (becuase you know me i have to be able to measure and graph everything to understand) so now theres utter sadness then numbness and then happiness. the numbness is generally where i reside and i fall into either side of the spectrum sometimes. i am numb because i am nuetral about certain things cuase there is nothing i can do, or im just trying not to care. and i dont cry and i dont laugh i just sit there and space out. i dunno if thats a good explanation but its the best i can do for right now.

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lalalala. k i wanted to post but i dont know what to say other then this:
I realize that i have not been stable ever since new years. well lets not say stable but static. i think at the most i was stable one week that week happened to be the dates of 19-25 of febuary. in that time i was probably the happiest i have ever been, and perhaps maybe i will be that happy again (im in a positive mood). everything before that and after that has been insanely up and down....so i just thought of all this stuff to write after that, about how i dont feel normal. but really there is no static. even though we seem to grow wise, we really dont. there is always mystery, and then when you do figure something out or get to experience something, the reward is amazing because it was so hard to find. i just have to keep telling myself that and i will eventually believe it. sigh...my writing goes around in circles.
Out Cold is really really funny. oh and another thing: damn timing is all i can say.

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