I didnt know how much i missed my friends until i saw them. YAY friends! Cant wait till winter when i get to see more friends and have more time! happy turkey day! Home is sweet! I am so stoked! I am so turning into a surfer california wannabe hippee. hmm wait i dont surf...oh well. Anyways im in a very good mood cant wait for more laughs this evening!

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I am at home for thanksgiving. When i walked into my mums house, i didnt feel like i was anywhere special, just another house. It seemed smaller actually. Like the cieling had moved down. My dog practically sat on me, as if he didnt want me to get up ever again. I feel really displaced. Last night i couldnt sleep for a long while thinking about it. This is not my home anymore but niether is humboldt. Maybe i need my friends here to feel like i am at home. Maybe i just need to settle in more. I also dont know where i stand in life. we drove by venice high and all the kids looked like me, i dont feel like i am at college. Do you go through the rest of your life feeling like your just moving all the time now after you leave home?

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May 30, 2003

In order to be completely numb and completely open at the same time you have to see light in everything. One person may look at a simple yellow flower and see nothing more then that. But someone else may look at the same flower and see a light. Neither dark nor bright. An awesome light containing everything in the universe all at once. Perhaps if they are open enough they will see straight through the flower to a face smiling back. If you could look even once at all of this power enveloped in this one flower you would only see one mind. One plan. You would know that love, strife, evil and good were all meant to be; without an opposite nothing could exist. If at every moment during the day, every second during your dreaming you could see this light, you would be able to accept everything for what it is- and that would be ultimate satisfaction.

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I wonder if something has changed. Maybe i just need to realize it. but i thank samwise i really do. hmmm. this post isnt really thought out becuase i dont know what is happening yet, is something happening? maybe i have just been on this ego/gleeful platue for a while. Maybe its cuase ill be home soon home and theres so much to share. things are so lovely at the moment. theres such pretty things going on in the world, theres such horrible things going on else where. my geography professor was talking about how if we blew up bridges on the 101 and the 299 we could be cut off from the rest of the world, run through the woods in guerilla warfare, a last stand against the invasion and the end of the world, if it came to that. obviously it was a joke, yet i thought about the places that would be the last safe holds of this earth. u know the govenment is making hand held nuclear weapons? how insane, if those got into the wrong hands man. i dunno, sometimes things are so dim in other places, but here for me at this moment i am so happy, so content i dont want anything at all at this moment.

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wow. sometimes i really do need to just get over myself. and isnt it funny how things can turn totally around? i have been on this ego boost the past two days. i mean i was totally unexpecting something like this. I was at the bottom of the puddle. This is just proof that things are never as bad as they seem, and there is always hope. Unfortunately i dont have any returned feelings for this person. Although knowing that someone thinks im worth something makes things really different. I hope it wears off though, before it gets to my head. I have been in such a good mood the past few days. Things are gonna keep getting better im thinking. The people of this place are moving to stop bush, im going home to see my friends and family whom i hold close to me, colin farell is hot, its raining and i just feel good, genuinely good about everything that i am doing at this moment. I am planning on enjoying this feeling to its full extent, until something comes along to change it again. There is still hope yet.

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