Well this is it the day. The first day of the rest of my life, i can either change my ways or everday after this will be the same as today and before. I know what needs to be done but two things get in the way- one i am lazy, that i know i can change its just gonna be a killer to kill. Two i am scared, filled with doubt and hate for myself up to my eyes, like a blooming ice burg or somethin. This i can defeat with taking risks. If i dont defeat them i will surely be stuck here forever. You see if i am a true Traveller then i am a true adapter, well i better kick my ass into adapting ASAP.

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I dunno where i am today....seems ive snapped into one of medium states of just caring so much but that i dont care. I need to not be here, i need to look at something naturally beautiful for a while.

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So this summer i had thought i had taken a break from snapping. This i have come to realize was not true. It turns out i was snapping in long periods. For the first part of the summer i was cut off from everyone, the world passed me by, things happend and people advanced with thier lives but i stayed in the same place, perhaps even stepped back down my trodden path. Then writing came, and although my writing was better then the summer previous i didnt write as much. Things just seem so far away from me now, like i was dropped off a boat and i cant reach the life saver as the boat and i drift apart. I am like a lone cactus....for miles and miles around there is nothing but bleak white expanse, and then on the horizon i see a mountain range where i used to live on the other side by the ocean. I cant move though, freaking owls are living in my walls becuase i have been in the same place for so many ages. I just dont know what to do or where to begin to pull myself out again...i keep stepping up but not as fast and then stepping down quickly.

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"We should set Tess up with Frank." she said smiling. Agreements came from around the table.

"Only if I am drunk." I said attempting to force a genuine smile. Only Lily said, "Oh yeah for you, it's only if your drunk." She was the only one who really knew.

So the check came and we it took us a while to pay, but it gave time for the conversation to change, but i had already been pulled back and down the way i had come. We got up and outside the resterant Maria came up to me and said "why only if your drunk? Dont you think Frank is cute?"

A sudden but not unfamiliar heat came over me, and my body shuddered. "I didnt mean because he was so ugly that i would have to be drunk! I meant becuase i was disgusting!" I yelled. " I am scared dont you see it in the way i hold my stomache in, how i dont lift my arms to show the sweat marks or how i dont wear short skirts. I could only handle a situation like that if i were drunk, if i didnt know what was going on.:

Bt now everyone was there and listening to me. Maria just looked at me.

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So I went hiking today. I realized that I had stopped. I mean I was walking but I felt my life had really just stopped. I have no ambition and so everything I do will end eventually. I will find myself sitting in some kind of dark corner away from the world. Nothing will interest me anymore...I will just sit there and that will be it, no more will I live for anything or care about anything. Staring at nothing and into nothing. I do not know what I want and if I did I dont know if i would pursue it. I am not scared though, some how i know that this is what i was always meant for me. It seems so right, so who i am that i can not resist it. i dont know how to resist things anymore. I dont know how to hold my stomache in, or push my hair behind my ears. Not even how to swallow. And my will or the lack of it is the only thing i see. Its limp like cooked pasta.

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So I decided to start my own personal blog, this way I can post things that are not always the best idea to post on my friends blog thing! Im sure not everyone wants to hear everything I have to say...hey I love peace after all!

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