Starting to get really sentimental, taking pictures of things I'll miss, and maybe will never see again. But honestly at the same time more annoyed with the things I ignored over the last 2 years. I put things out of my mind, and became very submissive. Now that I know in a few days they'll be gone, I've turned off the ignore switch, and I'm just annoyed. I guess this pertains to parents, to flakes, to LA - it's air, it's people, it's traffic. I'm ready to be rescued! Hell I'm ready for all the a whole set of new annoying things! Anything different.

The last 5 weeks have flown by. Having a goal and a deadline helped to add to my list of 'to do'. Doing all those things, producing results literally makes time go faster. It's amazing what you can do when you apply yourself, stay on top of things. It's the greatest feeling in the world to put in your best effort and achieve. I never felt like that before. When I started heavy duty hours at work to save for Australia, and then working 6 days a week at 10 hours a day I finally felt like I could stand work in general. I'm telling you I filled myself up when I was empty, with the right things. And being becoming a hard worker was something I really needed for my future. I may have been exhausted, my ass got fat, but mentally I felt more accomplished than I ever have in my whole life. Regardless of how much I dislike parts of my job, I owe a lot to it for shaping my work ethic, especially over the last 6 months. I'm looking forward, and hoping I'll be employed in a similar fast paced team oriented environment.

Caribou is the soundtrack to my memories of interstate 40 between Nash and Durham. A familiar hand in my own and a framed view of fall colors. When I go home, I played him repeatedly at work, which as we all know runs the risk of overplaying and burning out. But I couldn't get enough. He's brilliant. Anyway last Friday, I hadn't listened to any music for a week, not even Caribou. When Jamelia came up I nearly started crying. Now the lyrics, I have recently discovered are pretty sad, but it's literally the sound of the song (especially when turned up) that sort of flooded me with so many memories, I felt a rush of overwhelming....hmmm joy I suppose and just wanted to sit in a puddle of my own mushiness. Or better yet, I wanted to grab him and kiss him all over. Gosh, the day after tomorrow.

I wonder what music will become my internal soundtrack for as we drive along interstate 40 between Barstow and Flagstaff and Albuquerque and Amarillo and Oklahoma City and Little Rock and Memphis and Nashville?

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Tidbits from the journal

Packing is quite revealing. It's amazing how much junk you accumulate that you just don't need. Ridding myself of it all has been awesome.

As more and more things get put away in my room, it's starting to settle in. This weekend has been excruciatingly slow, which is uncharacteristic of the past 3 weeks. But that's because I'm paying more and more attention to my approaching departure. It really is a big deal.

I'm this close to a kitty of my very own!

I just went through some older posts, from the early summer, from before. Those words seem as foreign as ones posted here years ago. My life moved so far forward this year it's been hard for me to keep up, which is what I imagine people who suddenly become famous feel, people who travel all year long feel, you have to keep yourself grounded in order not to lose touch with your soul, or maybe you'll find it.


I don't think I've ever had so much hope for the future as I do now.

It's the season for thanking...and I guess I want to thank skype. I want to thank yelp. I want to thank the universe. I want to thank myself.

Sometimes it's hard to play it cool, most of the time I want to run around telling people why, how, what, scream it even, sing it even. And it's the silliest thing, even if I knew it wouldn't annoy the crap out of most people, I probably wouldn't because sometimes I still think the something bad is going to happen, something is going to spoil. Its a fear, a symptom, something I feel is pretty normal considering and as you get older, but something I don't really pay attention to. Everything is what you want it to be, so make it what you want it to be. So when I feel like I need to share, I try my hardest to, to just let it out, not play it cool. I try really hard to let it all out, until I'm a ridiculous puddle of mushiness.

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I've lost my appetite for writing recently, mostly because I haven't been doing enough of it, sort of lost my rhythm. That's probably why my writing has fallen to the bottom of my list of things I do. It's quite disappointing, which is why I'm going to make it a point to do something about it when I finally start my life.

I had this discussion last night about 'starting my life' as a concept. In two weeks from today I'll be waving goodbye to my mothers house. It won't be the home I live at anymore, it will be a place in my heart just like Humboldt is. Sometimes I wonder if Nashville will become that to me, or if it will just be a place I spend sometime before I move on to the next thing. I think the concept isn't so much about geographical location, as much as it's getting out of the same path I've been on for the past 2 years. Not to say that my life in LA is horrible, it's just never been what I've wanted. I've never wanted to be here, it was always supposed to be a stop over, and I guess that may have been why I never had any motivation, amongst other things.

Even though I've been ranting and raving about how brilliant the things I've recently gained in my life are, I don't think it's settled as to just how brilliant they really are. Testing them by pursuing what I want, and no one else, over time will really give me an experience. And of course there is a perk to all this, something I'll be able to hold on to, feel around me, lean against, in a physical form. I really don't think I know how shaping that will be, all I know is I'm excited about it. I don't want to say it feels like the right way, the way it's supposed to feel, but it's definitely exactly what I want, what I'm looking for. So many things to look forward to.

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At first they prance around your head, like a wild horse. I feel them galloping in loops looking for a way out.
Usually at the strangest times, when someone is putting on their shirt, handing you a plate of eggs, brushing their teeth.
I'm holding the bridal fast, they're spirit has to find other ways to escape.
Through synonyms.
But one day the gate keeper will let his guard down for a moment, and those wild horses will take advantage of that tiny opening, they'll slip out even tripping over themselves in sudden excitement. Then there is no turning back, they run and run and run and never come back.
Did they just do get out?
Did I just say that?

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Yes words are powerful. I've done a lot of breaking free recently. Knocking down walls, and burning ropes. First steps to big girl Caitlin. Telling your parents you're ready to grow up, seems like something that you should just ease into, or at least I always assumed I was in that position. But oh boy was I not. Having to ask them to back off was one of the most uncomfortable, and completely necessary things I have ever had to do. Let me make my own mistakes, have faith in my decision making process, there will always be pain in life, you can't always protect me. The launching of those sentences turned me from girl to woman in a matter of moments. I've been waiting for that moment for years, but it's only through what I've been through and with a certain type of recently gained substance, was I able to really do it. Substantiates in my life are made up many things. Mostly though I realize my heart is the most powerful of all. And my heart is full, and so it's notions are backed up a thousand times over.

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