I wake up and I reach out and there’s nothing there, but the light seems to remind me that there is something to get up for, even if it’s only to mean I’m one day closer to the unspecified date when I can reach out to touch the warmth again. I go to my classes, which I’m supposed to love, which I’m supposed to throw myself into completely and I can hardly sit through a lecture with out thinking about other things. I have never had such a hard time focusing, or analyzing or just doing basic work and things that used to come so naturally to me. It’s as if I have lost all capacity for basic comprehension. It’s actually kind of freaking me out. Hopefully it’s just because I can’t seem to get back into the swing of things, and eventually I will be able to. Last year it was like “whoo hoo I’m at college”, now its just like “go back to work”. No more excitement.
Plus I feel like I’m living for something much more important that flies high above everything I am doing here. It’s as if I am living in two worlds. One being the basic physical realm-school, eating, sleeping, shitting… and the other the mental and spiritual realm of this new thing I’m exploring and relishing and ultimately the greatest thing ever. Yet I am broken off from this new realm because of distance and now I have to squat in the physical places of life of stuff that doesn’t seem to shine the way it used to. I don’t even know if this makes any sense but I’m just thinking about Plato and Socrates and crap my Philosophy of Sex and Love Professor’s been talking about.
Anyways around the time I’m about to go to bed and apartment quiets down I develop insomnia-type qualities. I lie awake for an hour or two before finally falling asleep. I get a song stuck in my head and it keeps me up because I’m repeating it over and over. I try to figure out what the reason is I’m here at school for is? I seem to need to be told it over and over in order to make being away from the light worth it.
I also find I am questioning my entire focus at school. Geography, a subject that I do really love, is it right for me? Why did I choose it again? What will I do with it again? What the hell is going to happen to me in this physical world?

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“A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” –Oliver Wendell Holmes

I think I may have just been filled up with so much light I didn’t know anything else to do but just to let it completely flood me. I closed my eyes and the light was still there, the sort you see at the bottom of a choppy swimming pool. I cried from the immensity of it. And you were there, with me, you were the lamp holder. It was probably the greatest experience I have ever been apart of. My World Religions Professor said that many people believe that love is the highest spiritual experience one can have. And it makes sensef for religious/spiritual folks to believe that, I know for sure it's the greatest thing i have ever felt. It was pretty cool, the coincidental coinciding of this lecture and this experience...

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So i thought by now i would be able to post something really insightful...except my computer really did die. As in it wont load anything but a screen that says please restart your computer over and over and over. So i have been without any of my music, pictures and most importantly writing. So right here right now i want to thank my Blog for keeping some of it for me, incase i can never get the damn machine to work again.

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Prism in the window

Prism in the window
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

I AM ALIVE!!!!!! yes im so alive....
sorry been so long since my last post, i've hardly had time to look at pencil and paper. I just started school, had to move out, and move in. has been rather crazy. but alas i am alive, and its wonderful. when i have a chance i'll sti and write, but i only just got the internet setup. things are moving along just slowly. and for some reasons i wish it would just hurry up and get to a specific day that hasnt even been dated yet. anyways more lata....
(in the meantime this is a picture of the prism hanging in our dining room window, quite lovely at sunset)

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August 5, 2005

I just finished reading The Magicians Nephew and the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia series in less then ten hours. They are releasing the movie versions this winter and I wanted to have read them before hand. Why oh why did I not read them when I was younger. Yet at the same time I think I know why, I would have become frustrated with them, as I did so many times now until I reminded myself they are supposed to be like one giant old fairy tale. Real fairy tales, the way they are supposed to be. Like the Grimm’s, or Anderson. Then I didn’t mind so much, and I sent my thanks to Mr. Blatz once again for his Mythology and Folktales class my senior year of high school. I appreciated a lot of the major themes and characters more because they are so classical. Also the similarities between Tolkien and Lewis are incredibly close, and no wonder, the crazy men were in a damn writing club for so many years it only makes sense.

Since being here allows for so much spare time we always have either the radio playing or some CD playing filling the quiet empty space with something other then our occasional laugh at how funny sitting in an empty apartment reading Harry Potter and Narnia is. Not having a car will prove to be a difficult and limiting thing. Anyways back to the point. I realize now that all these song’s lyric make so much sense once you’ve experienced what they are singing about for yourself. Why did I ever think they were sappy and silly and so beyond reality when I was younger? Because now I realize they are all true. Incubus’s “Wish you were here”, Al Green “Let’s Stay together”, 10,000 Miles by Mary Chapin.

August 6, 2005

I think it’s happening again. Like last time. But I think I’m safer now, it’s safer to do now. I’m letting myself out completely again. I think I might have been doing this all along in this relationship and I just didn’t know it. Ever since what last year? Anway I have said many times before when I begin to love something or I begin to open up completely I tend to be quite passionate and let it all out, no holding back. This means complete honesty and effort on my part, and it comes so naturally for me to do that, there is hardly anything holding me back. And since I feel like I have let myself out so completely with this person especially recently its proof of complete comfort and complete love. And now I think its more mutual then other past experiences. So in that way its safer. I have more to say about this eventually.

So I picked up Sue Monks Kidd’s The Secret Life of Bees again. I like reading things a second time through, reminds you of why you loved it so much in the first place.
“ …And wondered how he could stand me. In one short morning I had exhibited insane laughter, hidden lust, pissy behavior, self-pity and hysterical crying. If I’d been trying to show him my worst sides, I could not have done a better job than this.”
“Otis pressed his forehead to the heart, standing there the longest of them all, head to heart, like he was filling up his empty tank.”
“I have noticed that if you look carefully at people’s eyes the fist five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through just for an insant before it flickers away.”
“That’s because May takes in things differently than the rest of us do…when you and I hear about some misery out there, it might make us feel bad for a while, but it doesn’t wreck our whole world. It’s like we have a built-in protection around our hearts that keeps the pain from overwhelming us. But May-she doesn’t have that. Everything just comes into her-all the suffering out there-and she feels as if it’s happening to her.”
“Did you know that there are thirty-two names for love in one of the Eskimo languages? And we just have this one. We are so limited, you have to use the same word for loving Rosaleen as you do for loving a Coke with peanuts. Isn’t that a shame we don’t have more ways to say it?”
“Have you ever written a letter you knew you could never mail but you needed to write it anyway?”

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July 27, 2005

Too many questions. You’re flying too high. I like the sound of a match being lit. I like when you fold hot laundry and the next day its still warm. I like the bruises on my knees. The pictures that I tacked up on my wall are pulling my eyes out slowly it seems. I wish they wouldn’t.

July 31, 2005

I’ve again proved that you always fear what you do not know. I attended my first bible study, not because I wanted to convert, but because I wanted to understand what all these people were talking about, where all these people get their strength. I never really thought it would be scary, but I didn’t think it would be so relaxed either. I realized I could apply a lot of what I read in the bible to my life, but I could also do the same thing using literature and history and other peoples stories and my own. We read a passage that talked about how even though all the crops were dead and there was no water if you kept faith in God you would get through the rough times. It’s just a matter of getting though the wall you hit. I don’t know if I believe in God but I do know if I keep faith in myself and I keep anxiety attacks at bay by not worrying and breathing with my “yogi breath” I can get myself thought things too. I don’t know if I really a bible as much as I just want books, mythology and people to teach me what I know. To help and guide me on my way. But either way I guess it is a good guide for people and a great way to learn lessons and apply them. The only problem is that its all relative and ones perception of a passage or comprehension might be different then another’s, and sometimes that can be dangerous as well as glorious.

On another note I’m driving along Interstate 5 freeway on my way back to the redwoods I missed so much. Except its funny, every time I stay in some place for too long I build new things and then I just have to leave again. Time does not stop, life does not stop. It just teases you gives you just enough time to get something great going and then everything has to change again. I feel like I left one of the most important things I built behind, and I thought I would die from dehydration I cried so much. But I thought about what I had learned this summer, to be positive, that there is such a thing as fate and everything does happen for a reason. I know that it will be all right, and what the hell they’ll visit soon enough. And there’s so much good in what I have taken with me from these places I have left. And I can hardly help but think of a particular everlasting smiling face and I get all warm and happy inside. It helps; I guess it’s the smiling face that’s my strength right now. And the knowledge that everything will turn out all right in the end.

August 2, 2005

I’m in my first apartment. Nice and cheap. Nice and cold, nice and creaky. Heather and I refuse to sleep in our designated rooms, even though my mattress arrived today. Too strange still. She’s reading Harry Potter, and intermediately playing with a lit candle, could be bad. Today we walked from the Southern part of town, arms and backpacks filled with groceries back to our apartment on the North Western edge. It’s a good twenty-minute walk. We looked in St. Vincent DePaul for old furniture, no luck. We did get a couple of teacups, cute and blue, for god knows what reason. But the cold has made us quite the tea drinkers; perhaps they’ll come in handy. James comes next Tuesday. Smiles. My dad left yesterday and now we are just sitting in the emptiness. But I like the place; our building is one of the only ones on the street with flowers in front of our porch. Red and pink poppies, some wild sweet peas and foxgloves are flourishing there. While walking we saw Founders Hall in the distance on top of its mighty old hill. The Arcata Bay away in the distance, muddy and glistening. The fog rolling back towards the ocean through the trees beyond.

August 3, 2005

So we’ve been spreading out our activities, knowing that if we do too much in one day there will not be anything to do the next. It’s so warm today; the fog lost the battle with the hot inland air. So the sky is blue, real blue. And the hum of the city is gone, now its quiet, all I can hear is the neighbors occasionally and the birds. I had forgotten peace like this. This morning I thought about attempting a short story. But I am frightened that if I start the one I want to, it will not be as great as is it could be because I am so out of practice with fictional writing. We’ll see, needs more developing.

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