11/13: Last Sunday I had the pleasure of going hiking and really really really loving this land Driving and going to new places here is one of the best ways I've found to reinvigorate myself. I feel generally pretty good these days. It's the best feeling in the world to feel wanted and accepted and part of a cool crowd, that sounds so shallow but I don't care I love the girls I've met here. It's been interesting for me, a learning experience to become friendly with other people who aren't my oldest friends. I've had to watch my step in some places. But one thing living here has taught me is how open minded some people are even if they have pretty rigid beliefs themselves. It's taught me a lot about myself and how to be a little more accepting and tolerant and that I should pay attention to what I'm saying to whom. Generally it gives me hope.

11/24: Although I feel like I'm in limbo and the dark circles around my eyes have suddenly reappeared (a sign of the end of my cycle colliding with stress) my back which I threw out of whack last Sunday night, is finally back to normal. There is no reason to get anxious until there is a reason to get anxious, and right now we just don't know. The power of positive energy and the willingness to give has really made the biggest difference to me this past week. There's something to be said for voodoo and generosity. 'Tis the season for giving and for being grateful. I'm grateful for so many things and so many people. I'm a very blessed person and I try to give thanks for it everyday, even if it's just a private expression to myself.

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Memphis
Chattanooga
Opry Hotel - Christmas time
City House
Lockeland Tabel
Cheekwood Botanical Gardens
Grassmere Zoo
Franklin Farmers Market - Saturday
Southeast Woman's Herbal Conference
Nashville's Nutcracker
Austin
Monell's on a Monday
Burgess Falls
Cummins Falls
Rutledge Falls
Mammoth Cave
Arrington Vineyards

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After spending ten minutes waiting in line to park at Radnor Lake, I gave up and turned around. The trees are very pretty but not that pretty. Radnor is really a weekday activity, especially during this season. It's awesome ever since we canceled cable, things are getting done and I want to do stuff and be out doing stuff. I don't know why we didn't do it earlier. I don't even really miss it. I miss selected shows but even those I'm over missing.

Our roommate moved in and aside from the odds and ends it's been okay so far, plus he keeps taking these mini trips out of town. Hopefully he won't always leave the toilet seat up, or he won't always neglect to put the towel down on the bathroom to stand on, or he won't always park crooked in the drive way, or he won't always move his furniture in at 8:30 pm. Seriously though I think I've started to really let go of all that freedom and 'need to have my own space' and 'own time' mentality. It takes a lot to give that kind of stuff up, then you do and it's really not the end of the world, it's just different.

The last year consisted of a lot of stagnation. At first you think it's being comfortable, having fun watching whatever you want, buying whatever the hell you want, etc. Then you realize you don't have any goals or you haven't cleaned that part of the house in ages or you have to fork over a shit ton of cash you don't have because you spent it on silly things. I'm not saying I'm going to give up everything, but I am going to stop eating stuff that I don't need every week. Like no more turnip truck lunches for instance. That alone will save me like $30 a week possibly more. $30 is like two cardigans at target, a tank of gas, or part of my cellphone bill. And I'm doing well making up lunches. It's easier this season because I know how to cook all the stuff that's in season right now, or I enjoy cooking stuff again or something. Everything comes in phases.

Anyway I'm going to work on this list, I've been wanting to work on this list you see. I'll post it here when I'm done.

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I have a really hard time breaking my pattern of response to things. I can't shake stuff as easily or I guess I can't compartmentalize things that need to be separated and dealt with. I know logically it's useless to get stressed about it. But when I'm presented with an uncomfortable situation I feel like I've been pumped with oil, no something heavier, something more rigid. I can't express my stress anymore. I can't even speak or discuss. I don't know when this happened, but I can't communicate what I'm really feeling because I don't know what I'm feeling. I have no response to feelings of anxiety or stress, they're lodged inside of me, stuck. Nothing passes through anymore. It's like someone has shot me with a stun gun, things are still moving all around me, but I'm frozen.

We canceled cable this morning. Mostly it's to save money but I'll be interested to see what it may do for us. Freeing ourselves from the ease of getting home and just turning on the tube. I will FINALLY go to the library and get myself setup there. I will watch all my TV running at the Y. If the dinosaur egg goes south and we secure a roommate, I'll get a car I'll feel confident driving farther than the city limits in - too bad summer is over. It's going to be slim pickin's for a while, and like I said my response to things is messed up. I need to figure this out.

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Maui is my curse, same time and same thing last year and it wasn't even my trip! Anyway I feel like Maui is when everything started to unravel. I'm starting to seriously consider that karma started shifting in undesirable direction (against us) these past two months for having such a great year. It's like as soon as RF got on that plane, even thing started to pile up. That or the cats and cars are plotting against us, damn four letter words that start with 'c'! And RF going to Maui was their plots beginning. I am still going to take the time, for myself mostly, even if we can't go on our own beach trip just to lousy old Florida. Yes our beach vacation has been completely ruined.

However without that to look forward to, to plan for, I feel liberated. For a while I felt punctured. But now I can catch up. I have to make a big decision one of those annoying adult decisions about cars. A lot of grown up choices have come up since August.

Autumn is settling in and I'm enjoying the late crickets chirping outside the bedroom window before it gets too cold to keep it open. I often feel like it takes half the amount of time to cool down here as it does to warm up. Fall is this short sweet respite between two extremes, and it never lasts as long as Spring. This change in seasons has really thrown me off, I begin to dread the change. I can't keen an even keel or a regular routine. Maybe it's not Maui at all maybe it's just the month of September.

Another thing about weddings: I think also I'm a wedding curse...like I'm not supposed to be at them because of the years and years I spent being negative about them. Last weekend went okay, even if we did have to go pick up kegs of beer an hour in to the reception because no one else could get them. DIY is a pain in the ass. Don't ever volunteer last minute to help out with a DIY wedding. Look I'm still doing it - being negative -don't invite me to your wedding people, I think I'm still missing the whole point.

Hoping for a more prettier and exciting post next time.

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I'm having a hard time feeling like I actually went anywhere but I actually just went out of town for a whole weekend. I think when you travel and you don't really connect fully, or become grounded with your surroundings, it's hard to feel like you really went anywhere when you come home. I travel so little that when I do leave I sort of expect a lot and when nothing really happens, upon my return I question whether I really left at all and whether being this tired was worth it. Some vacations really stay with you, so much so that smells from that place or songs you listened to on that trip, can remind you of that place and that memory can be so over whelming it can make your heart ache. I suppose it depends on the context of the trip and the content, the purpose of your being there.

I've been to only one wedding as anything other than a child, I was 16 and it was my sister's wedding. My point is, I don't know what to expect, or how to act, or what to say. What I've made up in my head is accurate for the most part, but in the end I really realize how silly some stuff about weddings really are. I mean I'm talking about the minor details you don't see on pinterest or in the movies, I mean anyone in their right mind would just elope and possibly, possibly have a party after, a very small party. I'm not saying people shouldn't get married, in fact I think the wedding we went to was executed well for the most part, as far as food and venue choice. I mean I personally would not have picked it but I can see why they did. I think they kept it as simple as they possibly could actually, a few flower arrangements some nice votives...simple food, simple ceremony. I really think that's the way to go. You end up not even spending much time with the guests, and all the guests really care about is eating and drinking and dancing and that's probably what you should worry about the most. No one cares about cute little knickknacks on every table, or special fancy plates, I'm not saying they won't add to the atmosphere and be aesthetically pleasing and a lot of people do enjoy that sort of thing, an eat with your eyes sort of philosophy, but in the end it's just more stuff you have to worry about. That sort of stuff can stress you out and take you away from the whole point of what you're doing in the first place. I think that's what made me so adverse to weddings and marriage...it can be such a farce, in-genuine and a waste of time. But if they're done right...they can really be just another amazing party with a theme, just instead of Halloween masks or ugly sweaters there are rings and vows (hopefully short and sweet).

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Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world. It really is. It sort of brings out all those childish feet stomping moments of frustration. I guess I've finally made peace with giving it up. I had a little more than a year of my own space, my own house - but I realize now, giving it up could give me a little more. And maybe if I hadn't been so selfish in the first place, I wouldn't be so disappointed.

I guess I'm sort of over it. I think I'm just concerned about how I'm going to dig myself out of this hole. But honestly it still comes back. Feet stomping and frowns. It makes dragging my feet in to work all the much harder. I suppose I'm just being a spoiled brat, it just fucking sucks. And I'm entitled to be envious and disappointed. I just hope getting a roommate will help me to do the things I want to do and that the worst of all the things that keep happening on top of each other is over.

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I've avoided the inevitable post about the weather this month. But just so everyone knows how bad it was in Nashville we had 8 days of heat that broke the previous records on those dates and many of those days broke records for anytime during the year. Everything turned crunchy and brown. It looked like late September, the leaves on the trees already turning yellow. Without rain Tennessee turns in to a very ugly sad place. It was so dry...the hot days felt like Palm Springs in July, no humidity, just blazing sun. Okay imagine the complete opposite of that, humid rainy cold days...that's what this week has been like. We're all soggy and pretending it's winter. It's marvelous.

If I have to deal with one more snobby spoiled musician from a band I respect I'm going to...well I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't break client confidentiality, but seriously...how old are you? I want to tell everyone I know to stop listening to them...but that's dumb, I still listen myself. Isn't that always typical the super talented and famous are generally the most dickish and pathetic. I fear I have found the sad flaw in the Nashville population. The musician. Now they aren't all bad...but the ones that are sure as hell make the rest look terrible. I'm talking from every level of fame and failure. The things I hear, and see. Anyway I'm hoping it doesn't ruin the Jd McPherson show later this month. You see...musicians who go to see other musicians shows tend to stand around criticizing each other (internally). It can completely ruin a live music event, because no one responds to the music, they just stand there. I've heard this report from many people and I've witnessed it myself. It makes me want to go to the honkytonk bars on Broadway and get crazy with the rednecks, at least they'd get in to it.

It's Drack's Birthday on Monday! I'm excited!

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Voodoo and Nashville

Living here and working in the place that I do, affords me a very interesting if not skewed perception of the south. National magazines and websites keep featuring this city. They call it the 'now' city of the south, it's the 'progressive' city of the south. Movie stars and bands are choosing Nashville as their hometown. Although Austin may be the live music capitol, Nashville is the city where those people sleep and eat and record. Many times the individuals featured in these profiles of Nashville are clients or neighbors to the studio, that I encounter on a daily basis. "huh so and so is in this GQ magazine...didn't realize they were doing this...our clients are so awesome!".

The past few years have been years of 'beginnings'. I've written a lot about how the city is blossoming and creation is everywhere, whether it's music, food or construction. I read an article the other day which listed Nashville in the top ten for successful small business start ups in the whole country. I feel Nashvillian's are extremely welcoming when it comes to all things new. New or revitalized neighborhoods, new restaurants, shops, bars, festivals, events.

I recently discussed with JR how people here seem to really be in to 'voodoo'. What I mean by that is folks are looking for something other than Jesus or traditional western medicine to heal their bodies and souls. And they are often looking even when those are the staples in their lives. I happen to know some of the local witch doctors that provide these services. I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. It's an idea that has not become fully developed. But I'm just observing. I think it's somehow related to the welcoming atmosphere that Nashville provides and why so many businesses can open here, often with success. I think the mix between traditional southern hospitality and the progressive nature of the city, people are just very open to new things. That or they simply keep their opinions to themselves. The energy of this small city is perceptible. Without sounding too out there, I feel like this energy is a network between everyone. The city reacts all at once, changes day to day, season to season etc. Again these are underdeveloped ideas. Maybe it's because I working an environment where I am exposed to clients who make decisions to come in to the studio based on themselves, and when suddenly a bunch of people come in for the same reasons it's hard not to link together connections.

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I finally did the cleanse. It was a few weeks ago, it was definitely a reboot. It was very hard to down the ghee drink by day 3, and the castor oil effects were unpleasant. I think next year I need to commit to doing 5 days at least and definitely have it complete before the weather turns. Because I cleansed during the change in seasons and only for such a short amount of time, my body did not ease back in to my normal routine until much much later. So although my skin cleared and I felt lighter it could have been more successful.

While on the cleanse I powered through two books, rereading The Great Gatsby and Born to Run. I have to say Fitzgerald's writing is certainly pretty, but I generally got the feeling he was obsessed with his own wording and well, the story...I don't even really care that much. I do appreciate and respect it for what it is, don't get me wrong. McDougall's Born to Run is very Bill Brysonish in presentation and humor. It reads quickly and the reader will enjoy the subject matter because it is made to be understandable. Either way, it led me to purchasing a pair of Merrell Barefoot running shoes and one morning I got up and downloaded a podcast, then went for a run. This is quite possibly the most opposite thing I could have expected from myself. I also don't really like talking about it because I'm scared I'll jinx myself.

The switch in seasons is so welcome. I feel like cooking and baking and actually doing things. I feel like writing again. I have the notion of spending the next Sunday catching up on all my missing yelp reviews. I haven't spent enough time in the downtown library and it's big and open and air conditioned. Weather predictions put Middle Tennessee temps in the 100s this weekend. In the meantime I've been doing the rain dance. The river is so low and everything is dry and crisp despite the humidity.

The rest of my time I have spent wasting my life away on Pinterest. HOWEVER I have actually cooked recipes, completed some DIY projects and found some seriously cute online shops. So really I actually think it's created a more productive me. I will no longer make fun of pinteresters, and by default hipsters.

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I was talking to RF about Ayurveda and the seasons. Kapha is like the Vegan season, Summer is the Vegetarian season and Vata should be the carnivore season. However, let me make it clear that even within the seasons you will have imbalances of all three doshas. You may be eating a different, seasonal diet, but for some folks they might have to prepare their meals vata style - warm and brothy, never raw etc. Although here in the south were going from spring to summer right now, my vata is still outta whack so pitta is rising and I'm extremely overheated. I have a cold sore outbreak and my acne although much more calm than other times in my life was particularly bad this past cycle. Kapha is the season to slack off, and I admittedly have been. If I had cleansed earlier I may have curbed a lot of these symptoms. Last night I slept with a cold pack on my head, this morning I took a luke warm shower. Today at work I'll probably wrap a wet peppermint infused wash cloth around my neck. Although I do have AC in the daewoo it is no where near powerful and you can tell how much strain it puts on the little crappy engine, so I generally roast when I'm in the car. This will spoil my lunch runs and I'll end up bringing mine in. And hey I'm not complaining about that, I needed something to make me do it!

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Bleh kapha sucks. Tis the season of lethargy, about everything. Tis the season to be bored. It's true! I have no interest in writing (I'm backed up in yelp reviews), books, cooking (yes I cannot even be bothered to grocery shop). I haven't cleansed yet, I just couldn't get it together to prepare my meals etc.

The lightening bugs are out already. It's still magical. I had my first serious allergy attack due to pollen the other day, thank goodness I'm not as sensitive as some folks. I've been using some homeopathic stuff I got at the chiropractor, who by the way I absolutely 100% believe in now.

One of our cats pulled the whole 'I'm missing' stunt on us for 4 days this past week. Let me tell you, it is the worst feeling in the world. If this ever happens to you and your cat, do your research, turns out most cats hide close by and then wander home when they feel it's safe after some kind of traumatic event. Don't give up hope. I read stories about cats who had been gone for 3 weeks and then wander up to their houses at night when it's quiet. I've never seen Drack more down before, so glad his boy came
back.

Posting something that maybe some people would be interested in.

Vata Pacifying

Symptoms of too much vata:
-Insomnia, stress, worry, constipation, colds and flus, joint pain.
Balancing Vata:
-Meals should be warm, moist, heavy such as such as soups, stews, steamed veggies, warm herbal teas. Avoid cold, dry, raw and light foods, especially salads.
-Stay warm no matter the weather but not hot, especially at night.
-Follow a regular rhythm of sleep, gentle morning exercise, peaceful regular mealtimes and rest.
-Daily Self-oil-massage, use of nasya oil, lubrication of the ears, and oil applied to the soles of feet can help.

Pitta Pacifying

Symptoms of too much pitta:
-Irritability and impatience, heartburn, acid reflux, stomach ulcers, sensitivity to heat, lethargy, sarcasm, skin rashes, boils, acne, low blood sugar, difficulty falling asleep.
Balancing Pitta:
-Meals should consist of cooling foods; a balance of whole, freshly cooked foods and fresh, raw easy to digest foods.
-Keep yourself cool but not too cold.
-Follow a regular rhythm of sleep and moderate and frequent exercise during the cooler times of the day, peaceful regular mealtimes and rest.
-Daily self oil massage and nasya oil.

Kapha Pacifying

Symptoms of too much Kapha:
-Cold, cough, allergies, congestion, flu, fatigue, depression, weight gain.
Balancing Kapha:
-Meals should be warm and consist of whole, freshly cooked light, dry and warm well seasoned foods. Drink only room temperature or warm drinks.
-Keeping warm and dry, no matter what the weather.
-Follow a regular rhythm of sleep avoid stagnation (both mentally and physically) exercise vigorously and often in the morning, mealtimes and rest should be peaceful. No naps or midday sleeping. Up at 6am!
-Daily self oil massage, neti pot with filtered warm saline water followed by nasya.

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If it could stay this temperature through out May, it would truly be wonderful!

I thought I heard a Cicada the other day...but it is not our year. I think they'll all be coming out in Virginia.

I start a cleanse tomorrow. I'm only doing it for 3 days instead of the full and traditional 7 days. I'm not thrilled about it but I definitely want to see how my body responds.

I've discovered that a small drop of lavender essential oil on a mosquito bite is instantly calming. It doesn't necessarily zap the venom but soothes the skin and relieves the burning sensation. I'm planning on making my own lotion with my stand mixer. I just need a proper storage container or the essential oils I may cause some disintegration. I'll basically whip some coconut oil and vitamin E oil for a few minutes till it's light and fluffy. It should be easier to spread on skin. I've decided to do a combo of lavender and peppermint essential oil with maybe some eucalyptus. If it turns out I may venture in to the beeswax department and make lip balms and stuff.

My landlord came over last night and he was telling us tales about his backyard beehives. I may be getting some real organic raw honey pretty soon here. I may even get a chance to go over there and suit up. Bees are one of the most fascinating insects. If anyone knows any books about beekeeping that are for the non-scientific reader let me know! I will be sure to take loads of pictures if we get to go over there.

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I was driving the other day and I suddenly felt like I really loved Nashville. I sometimes think about how I'll feel about Nashville when I've left. I don't think I'll be here forever, I don't get that gut feeling. But I know Nashville is on the rise. My chiropractor, who is a Nashville native told me today that the changes between 1991 and 2000 were pretty significant and awesome, but that the changes between 2000 and 2012 are twice as exciting. She said she felt like things are changing faster every year. More and more places are opening, trendy, hip, cool, big city restaurants, bars, clubs, shops, parks... I've been reading a lot about Nashville's response to the 2010 flood. Over 10,000 people turned out to volunteer to help those who lost everything. No one asked them, some people didn't even join organizations, they just walked up and down neighborhoods asking if anyone needed help. I can't describe to you what kind of community this is. I've never felt more welcomed in an American city. AND although I can't speak for the restaurant or retail business, clients who come in to our studio are wonderful. And the ones that are semi-bitchy have a good reason for it, or are from elsewhere - sorry to say mostly Southern California. I don't know what happened down there...but that's for another post. I don't know how I came to be so lucky. I'm surrounded by amazing people everyday, my boss, coworkers, boyfriend, his family...it's wonderful.

I've been suckered in to pinterest...I guess this is the url to my boards http://pinterest.com/kullykins/
I've been using pinterest primarily for recipes for food, home remedies and beauty - but I've got boards for all sorts of things - crafting, housewares, outdoors etc. And despite my reluctance I've found some really really awesome stuff that I may have not come across otherwise.

We're going on vacation this year. No not California actually. We decided if we're going back there we're going to do it proper, which involves going to NorCal and that's just not a good idea financially. Next year we'll have a lot more flexibility. So this year we're going camping in Florida in October. I cannot freaking wait. We're going to be in a state park located in the beaches of South Walton. Apparently October is the best weather month (any earlier and it's too hot) and there are fewer bugs. It's crazy to think we'll have to drive 7 hours to get to a beach. Once we're there we'll be able to bike to white sand and turquoise ocean. Waiting 5+ months to go is already excruciating. But in September we'll be going to Durham for a wedding; one of Drack's close friends is gettin' hitched. In fact everyone is getting married or having babies or doing something very grown up.

Oh! I finished Shantaram. I cannot wait for the sequel.

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I just completed week 3 of boot camp. It's crazy to feel stronger everyday I go. The going is the hard part, once I'm there I'm fine, but getting up at 5:00 really screws with my routine.

I've become semi obsessed with all things wedding. There is not a particular reason for it. Well I guess no official reason for it. Even saying the 'w' or 'm' word is hard...I clam up, don't know what to say back. But still I get a strange excited feeling, sort of like a low electrical vibration in the soles of my feet. It's quite surprising my turn around. It's like when you are told you're wrong, and you get that annoying embarrassed twinge in your shoulders. Anyway favorite websites right now are this blog and this etsy store.

In other news I don't like this spring it's too much like summer.

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I'm telling you there is nothing like the change of seasons to make you appreciate each one more. You just don't get that in SoCal. With the change of seasons comes storms a plenty. I've got hail damage a plenty too. Oh well I wasn't counting on reselling the daewoo. Suddenly the trees have donned blossom wigs and green leaves are emerging in some places. I think it's going to be a whopping bug season with this early spring. I have to tell you though, sunny days in Tennessee, when it's not sweltering are pretty magical. I think it truly affects the populations mental state. You can sense a change in everyone. When those storm clouds roll in, it's like being drowned in gloom suddenly. Most people experience headaches and pain, which is why the studio is often busy on spring storm days. But as soon as those clouds blow out and those negative ions rush over us, it's like you're an inch taller. The storm clouds that rushed out of middle Tennessee after the hail storm were some of the most ferocious I had ever seen but they produced one of the prettiest southern sunsets I have seen yet. There was a freaking rainbow over downtown and so much depth in the sky.

Interestingly Ayurveda has really made seasons changing more pronounced in some ways. I no longer feel slowed down by the darkness of winter. I'm weening myself of ashwahandha and I'm probably going to do a three day cleanse. But probably the coolest thing is I'm suddenly craving very different foods. Corn, pears, dried fruits, beans, goat cheese and berries of all types. All of which are on the Spring Grocery list! What I'm supposed to be eating. It's very magical if that doesn't sound too dramatic.

This week specifically, actually since the hail storm has been very strange energetically. The restaurant near where I work, the centerpiece of the neighborhood I work in, was rocked by a suicide committed on the premises. And as the centerpiece of a neighborhood, the community felt the reverberations. The circumstances are very tragic, shocking and complex and sides are being taken and there's a lot of negativity swirling between the people who knew the individual also. But I'm speaking more about the way the neighborhood felt as a whole afterwards. Haunted in some ways but not literally. Things suddenly slowed down and although there were folks a plenty, loyal customers with a lot of love and healing it stills feels off. I'm not saying I expect anything less but it has been intense to say the least. I think it was the right decision to reopen sooner rather than later, to fill that empty and haunted space with normalcy again because we even felt it in our studio two doors down. And that's a very strange energy to have in a place of healing. But we've all been radiating love and patience and guiding the conscience of our clients. Before judgement think of forgiveness I suppose. Anyway as if that wasn't vague and confusing, I just don't see the point of blathering on about the details.

Practicing forgiveness is much harder than practicing gratitude but they are certainly related to each other. I feel like I have forgiven everyone of any wrong doing and I am thankful for where I am at now because of it. This doesn't mean there is not hurt or that I should necessarily open doors again. Maybe I'll just open a window instead.

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I don't like my dreaming recently. I had a dream my hair was long and when I woke up I was very upset. I had a dream that someone asked what was wrong with my face, and my response was it's just acne. Both of these reflect minor anxieties I have about both those things day to day. It's become RF's personal mission to figure out my acne, not much success. I also can't stand the in between phase my hair is in. The layers have all grown out and it's just plain ugly.

I suppose the next biggest development is I've signed up for boot camp. I don't really have much to say about that yet. It doesn't start for another 3 weeks. I wonder what it will bring.


Drack surprised me. I got my birthday present early this year. I woke up in the middle of the night parched and stumbled in to the kitchen to find a Professional 600 Kitchenaide stand mixer on the counter top. The color is buffed silver (I'm not sure if that's the real name), very very sleek indeed. Although I would have gone with a simple Artisan series (when and if I ever bought one of these for myself) but Drack tells me this one is made of all metal parts and has a motor powerful enough for many of the attachments you can buy for the stand mixers, including an ice cream maker. Oh my god home made ice cream reminds me of Jameson Ranch Camp. I smile now every time I walk in our kitchen.

Boot camp and stand mixer will probably cancel each other out - how can I not bake every damn weekend now? It would be a travesty. This afternoon the inaugural baking event shall be held. We're hoping for blueberry muffins. I wonder if there is some way to bless the mixer? You know, like cracking a bottle of champagne over the hull, in this case the bowl...

Anyway Drack is truly the best.

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The thing about Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts is that all the characters have something profound to say. That can be annoying to a lot of people, because no one is that wise and forget putting them all in one book. But I find myself very much enjoying the book precisely for that reason. India is one of those places that Drack really wants to visit, and even after reading Shantaram it still hasn't crept up my travel list - then again I still have about 700ish pages to go.

Some good quotes so far:

"Friendship is something that gets harder to understand, every damn year of your life. Friendship is like a kind of algebra test that nobody passes. In my worst moods, I think the best you can say is that a friend is anyone you don't despise." - page 58

"She would've done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are like that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out - your friends, everyone you used to know. And it's still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take you down with it." - pg 63

"Optimism is the first cousin of love, and it's exactly like love in three ways: it's pushy, it has no real sense of humour, and it turns up turns up where you least expect it". - pg 90

"Wisdom is just cleverness, with all the guts kicked out of it." - Pg 99

"I clenched my teeth against the stars. I closed my eyes. I surrendered to sleep. One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you." - pg 124

"Didier once told me, in a rambling, midnight dissertation, that a dream is the place where a wish and fear meet. When the wish and the fear are exactly the same, he said, we call the dream a nightmare." - pg 150

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2012 has been a strange year. It's like a big white table cloth that's all scrunched up on one end, it needs some straightening out. I don't even know what that analogy means but it makes sense to me. I think mostly the trouble is that winter here wasn't really winter at all, it was warm in January. Now it's suddenly cooled down and sadly all the flowers and spring blooms that were going to pop out early are totally going to die. It probably won't be a fantastic spring. I wonder if the cicadas will arrive early too?

I've reconnected with many people, some people I never thought I'd ever talk to again. It was also nice to connect with a dear friend and to be reminded of old times. Sometimes things never change. In other circumstances things have changed completely and you lose people you thought you never would.

With RF in India I've been managing the studio by myself. I am still happily amazed that this job comes to naturally and easily to me. It may not be glamorous but I'm good at it. I like that. I have to say though I'm looking forward to my upcoming days off. Although being in the studio is not stressful, I feel like most of my mental effort is spent at work and by the time I get home I don't have much to spare on anything of consequence. I sped through Hunger Games because it was complete shit and now I'm savoring Shantaram's pretty prose. I'm also on the Downton Abbey bandwagon with the rest of the world. But this is the first time I've really thought about what I'm thinking about - so to speak. I miss writing and I guess when I started Shantaram I realized that. I really wish I could find a writing/book club that was worth a darn.

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Monday
RF ordered me business cards. I’ve never had a business card. I’ve always loved our business cards, they’re quite lovely, done up in the studios pretty font with the tree of life on one side. Mine says “Office Manager Extraordinaire.” I really love my job and the women I work with.

Thursday
The last few days have been good ones, perhaps a promising start to the New Year. This morning and every morning this week I have watched the sun come up from our dining room window, which is where we keep our computers. I burn a little sage to set the energy for the day; the cats are fascinated by the low-lying smoke. I had my second Ayurvedic consultation with RF since it's the middle of the Vata season. I added just one more herb to my daily routine to see about healing my large intestine. The licorice was causing some major issues, which set off the alarm that I'm still not digesting properly. We've also moved my lunch earlier since I was eating after Pitta time. I'm backing off of the Vitamin D as the days start to grow ever slow slightly and soon I'll be using Kapha oil instead of Vata in the shower. We talked about my skin and how my acne apparently too much pitta in the skin. We're going to try some simple remedies before going all out on the Life Spa skin care line. At the moment, I shall only wash my face with warm water and no soap and afterward I will apply a tiny amount of high quality coconut oil. I didn't have to buy anything as I already have Dr. Bronner's coconut oil in my pantry for cooking fruit.
I have to say there is something to be said for all this Ayurveda and health consciousness, I still have not gotten the flu or cold this season KNOCK ON WOOD.

Saturday
Good tip, if you have severe winter skin try rubbing a tiny amount of coconut oil in to your skin after you soap up and rinse in the shower. Then rinse the excess away. It's the most luxurious feeling in the world. Actually this is called Abhyanga in Ayurveda, and is traditionally done with herb infused oil, which is what I mean by Vata oil. I’m just cutting mine with some coconut oil for extra moisture. Coconut oil is a wonderful way to heal skin issues. Although my face still has the acne, it’s less irritated – less red. It feels softer and more moisturized without feeling dry or oily. We shall see how things go.
This was the first year I wasn’t picked first round Elite. If I don’t get my badge this year I won’t get a golden badge next year. Sad times! Here’s hoping for a second round pick.

Sunday
Last night I wasn't having a good night. I ended up having a good old-fashioned cry session. Something I haven't done in probably a year and something I should probably do more often, as I think it's the best way to release tension. Also I'm not very good at crying, not very good at letting go of any emotions - thanks British parents. It wasn’t about anything really particular at the start, which I’ve found is usually my pattern, I have to just force stuff out and then I can put some meaning to all the feelings I have. It’s not the best way to communicate but at least I am communicating. Drack came home and we had a long talk. He’s really the best person I know, well to me he’s everything. Bless his patience for I had a hard time getting to the point. I don’t have enough challenges in my life. I don’t have hobbies and I don’t have true deep friends that I have access to on a daily basis. It’s sounds silly, but at the same time it’s a pretty grim thing to accept about oneself. It sounds like an easy fix, but I feel like if that were so I wouldn’t be without these things in the first place. I suppose writing is hobby. I read occasionally. I cook. But none of these things makes my brain work, or my body. Drack says “I truly believe to be complete one needs a solid body, mind and soul”. He’s right. I really lucked out with this one. Ayurveda is helping to create a solid body, but I need to add the physical. My mind needs to be filled with more than just work challenges, and my soul needs to have more soul mates. Dear 2012, let this be a truly new year.

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