So at least i can swallow now without my whole neck feeling like its closing up on itself. but i have a deep chested cough which woke me up at 3 am. somehow i tumbled into the kitchen and found the Thera Flu which is my saviour i would like to say. hmmm im becoming more and more spacey and i dont know what it is but i think one day i will become completely dumb and stare out into space never ending. oh dear oh dear. well i checked my grade in mr gaidas and i got a 74 in the class and a 72 on the final. i got a 72 on gaidas test without studying! i suppose this really isnt any big achievement, but i feel that it is cause it shows that i can take in information and remember an average 72% percent of it. if only it were higher i would be set to never take notes again. oh well.

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So i really think i got a D for the semester in my Marine Biology class. I had taken notes, paid attention in class, done most of my work, but never really studied. It's a bad way to approache Mr. gaida's class. Basically its a college course, take notes, study, take test. The other things dont count as much as those three things. So i probably had a C to a C- before taking the final this morning. I took it and it didnt seem as bad as i thought it was gonna be, but still i didnt study and payed the price. I am preparing myself for getting a D in the class now. The wrath of my parents should be just around the bend. I am dissapointed in myself, but all the same it is not unexpected. I just feel bad that i didnt try harder in one of the best classes i can expect to get for free. Mr Gaida is practically a genius; he shouldnt be teaching he should be curing cancer. And here i am, supposedly loving biology and really not caring about studying at all. Now i must pay the price. I could not get in college for this, not go on to the second semester which i was looking forward to, get grounded for my grades etc. oh dear what have i done, again.

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theres a heavy weight on my chest...my breathe sometimes seems to give out before i expect it to. try to breathe deeper and all i get is long and shallow breathe. empty air, like a vacum. what is wrong with me? who the hell is like this? somethings gotta just kill me i mean really this is ridiculous....the pictures, the songs, the quotes they dont work anymore. i cant paste together a barrier with them anymore. i have no love, and therefore no beauty in my life. and the fact is i if i had it would it make me feel happier? would it be a dissapointment? i dont even know what it is. what the hell am i even talking about? im like some kind of never ending english prompt. i just dont get it but i keep reading it over and over knowing i need it to go on. christ i dont even know what it would be like anyways? why the hell should i wish for it? im such a lier. such a chicken, hypocrit, self-loathing puddle!

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Love stories. I love em and hate em. They are so tricky. they give you hope, but at the same time they take it away from you. they make you happy, but you cry. Symbolic ambivalence to the extreme i mean really. arrrrrg im such a hypocrit i am on the edge...cant battle it anymore! bleeeh im gonna go alone forever in to the depths of the world, and no catabasis do i see in the future. ooof its hopeless it really really really is...ooof im a puddle oh no! i have done so well, my walls they held against the pressure but now they are bursting...kahlua oh man save me!

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crawling. there i am, can you see me? oh yes she is so spoiled, so... so...so lazy! so scared. do i possess the normal amount of fear about my future, my risks, my lack of a particular love? if i do would it make me feel better anyways? everythings going so slowly. bleh its like eating oil and not being able to taste the air. i am so used to it though that i dont cry anymore...i kinda just stare at things and breathe lengthens but it does not become deeper. all i can say is oh well.

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so we went to the wonderful cocktail party last night. it was lovely to tell you the truth. we were terrifeid that people would not dress up and that we would be the only ones to. But in truth everyone did. the house was lit in a relaxed way so that it was not harsh to be in. Joey did a wonderful job with the drinks also. Everything went over smoothly except that i spilled on my dress, so me i tell you! What else can i say....just the same old feelings...although i was proud i did talk to some people that i would not expect to talk to me. Funky chicken! anyways...thats about it. hehehe my nails are painted!

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so i turned off my car and silence enveloped me. I was quite sad after that. i just sat there dead in a dead car.i wanted to get out of it but i felt l lifeless. whats going to happen to me, what can i do to know.

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::yawns:: hm dizziness, giggles, slurring, wide eyes, gesturing, blabbing on about nothing is what i gather of last night. Whether I am right or not is up to the witnesses. but now that its happened what's next in life? I mean what the next edgy thing caitlin will do. Will I be a rebel more against my walls and push them down all together? Well if I do muster an army to do this then it better be soon, cause if I do things as slow as I have been they will never happen. ::smiles and chuckles:: oh dear last night was craziness, but im not regretting it which is a very good thing for me, and im not exactly embarrassed about anything I did either. was good fun that it was, i liked the kaluha and milk mixture thing the best, it was the eastiest to swollow. yay i can finally say i have gotten drunk!

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