been annoyed all week, actually cried but im blaming that on hormones. Want to go with Ham to some where. we'll see what happens.

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I guess i lost my patience and tollerance tongiht it will come back, just like old faithfuls ejaculation every 74 minutes. Its that reliable. I cant be at home, but there is nothing for me here too. home doesnt feel like home anymore, maybe a week is not enough to return to it. i wish samwise were someone else. i wish i werent so shy so i could approach more people.

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I didnt know how much i missed my friends until i saw them. YAY friends! Cant wait till winter when i get to see more friends and have more time! happy turkey day! Home is sweet! I am so stoked! I am so turning into a surfer california wannabe hippee. hmm wait i dont surf...oh well. Anyways im in a very good mood cant wait for more laughs this evening!

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I am at home for thanksgiving. When i walked into my mums house, i didnt feel like i was anywhere special, just another house. It seemed smaller actually. Like the cieling had moved down. My dog practically sat on me, as if he didnt want me to get up ever again. I feel really displaced. Last night i couldnt sleep for a long while thinking about it. This is not my home anymore but niether is humboldt. Maybe i need my friends here to feel like i am at home. Maybe i just need to settle in more. I also dont know where i stand in life. we drove by venice high and all the kids looked like me, i dont feel like i am at college. Do you go through the rest of your life feeling like your just moving all the time now after you leave home?

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May 30, 2003

In order to be completely numb and completely open at the same time you have to see light in everything. One person may look at a simple yellow flower and see nothing more then that. But someone else may look at the same flower and see a light. Neither dark nor bright. An awesome light containing everything in the universe all at once. Perhaps if they are open enough they will see straight through the flower to a face smiling back. If you could look even once at all of this power enveloped in this one flower you would only see one mind. One plan. You would know that love, strife, evil and good were all meant to be; without an opposite nothing could exist. If at every moment during the day, every second during your dreaming you could see this light, you would be able to accept everything for what it is- and that would be ultimate satisfaction.

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I wonder if something has changed. Maybe i just need to realize it. but i thank samwise i really do. hmmm. this post isnt really thought out becuase i dont know what is happening yet, is something happening? maybe i have just been on this ego/gleeful platue for a while. Maybe its cuase ill be home soon home and theres so much to share. things are so lovely at the moment. theres such pretty things going on in the world, theres such horrible things going on else where. my geography professor was talking about how if we blew up bridges on the 101 and the 299 we could be cut off from the rest of the world, run through the woods in guerilla warfare, a last stand against the invasion and the end of the world, if it came to that. obviously it was a joke, yet i thought about the places that would be the last safe holds of this earth. u know the govenment is making hand held nuclear weapons? how insane, if those got into the wrong hands man. i dunno, sometimes things are so dim in other places, but here for me at this moment i am so happy, so content i dont want anything at all at this moment.

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wow. sometimes i really do need to just get over myself. and isnt it funny how things can turn totally around? i have been on this ego boost the past two days. i mean i was totally unexpecting something like this. I was at the bottom of the puddle. This is just proof that things are never as bad as they seem, and there is always hope. Unfortunately i dont have any returned feelings for this person. Although knowing that someone thinks im worth something makes things really different. I hope it wears off though, before it gets to my head. I have been in such a good mood the past few days. Things are gonna keep getting better im thinking. The people of this place are moving to stop bush, im going home to see my friends and family whom i hold close to me, colin farell is hot, its raining and i just feel good, genuinely good about everything that i am doing at this moment. I am planning on enjoying this feeling to its full extent, until something comes along to change it again. There is still hope yet.

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i have never felt so disgusted about myself in my entire life. how can i have so much jealousy, and so litte patience? no matter how many times i clean and smile its never going to be good enough. what the hell is wrong with me? someone please explain, because i just dont understand. i dont understand. i am sick of crying about it and sick of feeling this way. i feel so pathetic and disgusting right through to my core. i just want to crawl up in a place where i am not exposed to it. in a little nook in a vast forest, crawl up and forget. i just dont see the point, and that makes me feel worse. that i dont feel complete with out this. and what if it isnt what i want?

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Falling through a void.

Ending up in someone’s bedroom.

Egg whites pouring out of my skull.

Grasping at tail feathers, Grappling with teeth.

The sheets melting between my fingers.



Sneaking out.

Falling over myself.

My foot catching the other angry it could not keep up.

Into the open

Ready for plunder.

Drawing swords.

Singing in my hands.

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I think I've relaxed a bit. I look around me at how lucky i am to be here at all. this place is amazing really...its really a little oasis of awesome voices and sparkling surroundings. Just breathe deeply...cross your fingers...and be patient. i have to learn that all over again i suppose. Everyday my expansion of understanding this world grows and i am so greatful to these professors even though they go through hundreds of students every year, i feel like they are connecting well to us, i have learned so much already that i can take with me away from the oasis to make things better in this world. i love humboldt.

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i dont know what has happened to me. i dont think anything really has happened, im just crazy, im making myself think im worse off then i am. i just see myself as taking steps back as others are on a moving walkway. that i fell into a group that might be adding to this. am i being labled for this? how do i get out of this? this sounds obscure but i dont folks reading and getting offended. yet i cant help what i feel deep down honestly even if it sounds jealous and cruel. i just get suddenly frustrated when i hear somethings. is that what i have turned into, up here along the redwood coast? im experiencing extremes i guess. i am becoming more self aware in the world geographically and politcally speaking, but my heart is going back to bloody middle school. do i just need to get laid? i dont think that will satisfy anything. maybe i should just smoke out, great turn to fucking drugs when your going down some kind of jagged spiral staircase. whatever i cant do that i dont know anyone well enough and im all awkward now (labeled). what do i want? what am i growing to be? i though college was where u find yourself, im just getting more confused. im decending the other side of the mountain into a valley i havent visited in a while. i hope theres another peak somewhere around here, the one i imagined.

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so i went camping friday night, with colin, colleen and jenn. we went to burlington campground in humboldt state Redwoods national park. it was so beautiful. we had hebrew national hot dogs for dinner yummy! the next day we went hiking along the Eel river. we caught frogs and lizards and everything was so quiet. after hte hike we went to the annual Apple Harvest Festival in Fortuna. We were allowed to pick our own apples, and taste cider from The Cider Works place! i love that place...its soooooo gooood. anyways yesterday we went to the zoo, its quite small but they had bears and spider monkeys and a huge garden of flowers. finally colin and colleen are a couple, it took long enough. frustrating! well ill post more laters!

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Gone camping be back saturday night!

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Wow been a while since my last post. I took my first college midterm, wasnt as painful as i thought. my parents are in town to check out the place which is cool. colin heather and i all watch the italian job, i love heather i think we get along great and we have the whole Southern California power going for us which is cool. Also colin and i talked for a good hour tonight, like face to face talking. It is so good for me to experience. He's a good guy and seems to becoming a good friend. He seems to like conversation more then anything and that suits me fine. i have never really conversed with a boy so i feel i am gaining valuable experience (although i know most guys arent like that) but either way im taking as a positive thing! Well love and peace and more updates to come! Gotta get in shape so i can go back packing! dammit!

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So i went to my first college party. bleh. not much fun. too many people, too hot. there were lines to get beer, and that was all that was there. a 15 minute walk there and back. Good points: when the cops came to break it up it was rather funny, they dont come in the house rather just shoo poeple away outside and use speaker phones to say "go back to the dorms, there you will find enlightenment" its hilarious and by the end of the night they break up the party two or three times, but never arrest anyone, most of the time they end up talking to people (half joining in) dont you just love arcata? I also got to talk to a hot drunk guy. named trevor, he was an intiate for cross country and had to drink from the hoof and sing the chant. poor guy learned the wrong chant! he ended up sitting by me whirling and saying "ive never drank beer before, only hard liquer." i said yeah me too. he said "oh man someone i can relate to" and he said "man im tired, why is that" i said i dunoo "maybe its the beer and its so hot in here." he agreed then got up and left. Heather, my friend on xcountry completed the cheer perfectly and since she doesnt drink downed a sprite, she was cheered and patted on the head by her fellow runners it was awesome, then we left. ive decided i rather like intimate gatherings like 30 poeple or so, its just better that way.

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What a fun filled day. A few funny events that probably wont be as funny writte. 1) we were walking back to campus on the walkway that goes over the 101. There are some hobos who hang out under hte trees there and they waved at us. I raised my hand and said "how". I mean to say "howdy" but instead i looked and sounded like some stereotypical native american saying "Howe", well anyways we nearly died laughing cause who says "Howe"

2) my sister sent me a poster so i have a poster tube, and let me tell you its amazing for projection of noises. So Jenn can make perfect chiken noises, im telling you dead on. So we turned out all the lights in my room and stuck the tube out the window and hid behind the dresser. Jenn sqwauked like a chicken and scared the crap out of the LGA's who happened to be the first people to walk by. They freaked out and Mike (my LGA) swore he would get me back for it, so now i have to keep a close eye out. It's going to be the greatest thing in the world and we are planning on putting it to good use in the futue.

3) we went to Trinidad Beach this evening. It was pouring rain for the first ten minutes as we walked out on the fishing pier, me in my chucks and soaked jeans. We thought we saw sea otter way out in the darkness harnessing themselves to the seaweed, but our flashlights werent powerful enough. then we went out on the sand and the sky cleared and you could see millions of stars and the milkyway and it was amazing! then me and jenn were hiding out and seeing if colin and colleen were making out, but no score. we looked at the sky and the ocean for a long time it was amazing and i loved it. now my "hieneken" (as colleen would say) is soaked but its worth it!

well over and out peace and love

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Just the other day Jenn, Colleen, Colin and i were palying the fortune game. Also another thing to note is that Chris is my neighbor and he is a major pothead, like im talking cant make sentences fast red eyed always smelling. But dont get me wrong he is really nice. Anyways with that set up here is my point: Jenn was doing my cards and i asked "who will i kiss first" the cards revealed that i would kiss chris. The cards said my soulmate was chris. Today Jenn and i were sitting at the comp talking about how we should get Colleen and Colin together. I said "lets have a party where they all get drunk and confess to each other things." Jenn said out of the blue "maybe chris will think your lips are joints and want to suck on them, and he will say 'oo you are my drug' ." HHAHAHHAHAHAH! I died. Well ive joined the "nothing alliance" with James S. Oh and Jenn just said "ditto" so now it a trinity. And i think shall last!~

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Some random sentences that I heard in my head today:

I am a broken VCR; I can only rewind.

I am experiencing exhiliration in slow motion.

I am on the moon.

I am a cactus.

I was getting used to the old life, I love the new.

Trees are wise, I can only wish to be half of what they are.

I miss the compatibility, the jokes, the simpleness....

I will never get laid, no matter how much I want it unless I can hide behind Hobo Wine.

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I like this posting thing. I hope i get into it agian. Anyways the morning after being super flipped crazy brain problems i am feeling ok. Its early and its quiet. This place is so quiet. Its such a beautiful campus. And the clean crisp light pumped air filters in through my window. Everything so clean and pretty. I wish i could say i dont feel the same as i did last night. But i do, its just ive more accepted things and im calmer due to the environment i am in. Today im going into Eureka and tomorrow im going to the beach, or those are the plans if they ever come to be. So over and out peace.

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I feel like such a loser. Honestly. I just feel so behind. If i hadnt met Jenn, Heather and Colleen and known they were virgins too I think I would be a helluvalot worse. I am so happy that anna did what she wanted. Genuinely I am. And im jealous and sad cause I feel like im still stuck here left in the dust. I thought that I would be inspired once anna got her groove on. But I just feel more negative about myself and sad and hopeless. College hasnt brought any boys or anything like that towards me. The recent rocking of the world has flipped me through a crazy loop today so that i came to these conclusions pretty suddenly instead of in stages like i thougt might happen. Well you know what they say slow pain is worse. I feel so aaarrrggghhh like frustrated or something. Just upset at myself. I cant believe im still the way i am... i totally thought college was gonna change me the first day and make me totally different, like a culture shock...but im the same i still flock to the same people for comfort cause im scared of things. Im just scared is what i am...ANYWAYS on a positive note, i like music, i fixed my duvet, my printer works, girls are funny and im happy for anna. Love and Peace

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Lonely! yes i am. I feel like i have made friends but i can never open up to them the way i have to olga and anna. Its really depressing. Also boys suck...yeah thats it going to beddiebyboo! peace

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Well its been crazy. Im at Humboldt State what is up with that dawg! The college experience is not what i expected but it is what is to be expected if that makes any sense at all. I thought i was gonna change and be having sex and smoking pot and be totally not what i was back home, but im the same. Life is the same, i mean it may be a slower pace, clearer air, different people. But i am the same, you are the same where ever you go. But then there is this funny thing called time and it does wonders. I just wonders i was all shook up about leaving but im adjusted to that, hopefully that same time will change me but over a longer period of time then I expected. Maybe i will be what i thought i was gonna be but in the future maybe not even this year maybe next year. But you know, thats what i thought on the first day of high school and not much happened then either, or maybe im just not thinking of the things that changed and only thinking of the stuff that didnt change. WOW am i the biggest rambler in the world. Sorry if what i just wrote makes no sense. Anyways, Naomi my roommate might drop out, crazy stuff man, she hates it hates missing home, i miss home but i know in order to get on with my life to grow i had to leave home and everything i love, but not for good. Thanks AIM, Telephones, mail, pictures etc. So i might get a new roommmate we'll see what happens with that. Well loves.

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its been two months since my last post. last night was prom...i feel like it was years ago already. i think my mind was preoccupied with the loss of feeling to my knees from dancing and the loss of feeling to my arms from drinking. now its my heart. damn movies. damn everything. i am experiencing two extremes in my heart...theres loneliness a sickening sadness that i could overcome, and the anticipation excitiment of the last year and the new year with my friends and schools.

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So i went to the bookstore today. i was actually feeling reallly shitty both physically and mentally. i went to the photography section to fish out some big books with huge picture layouts of animals and nature, something beautiful to look at. I found a corner by the window at the front of the store to sit at, wedging myself into it so as to be comfortably propped up. I was flipping through the pages and i looked up. A rather attractive person was sitting away away leaning against a book shelf and our eyes met suddenly, but i looked away being who i am. a few minutes later it happened again. I kept getting in to the picture and then looking up and he would too. rather awkward, finally one time i actually smiled. He looked at me for a second or too and smiled also. i went back to my book after that and we continued the awkward glances. i was quite enjoying myself considering i had never done much of the sort and had no idea of what the hell i was doing. but oh well i had to leave and that was that. now im all washed up and sad liek i was before...the pictures only made it worse, things being torn to shreds by white fangs and other being cuddle by giant paws, some loping along under a thunderous sky. oh gosh where am i in this world...i dont fit into either place.

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Definitions:

Puddle: that emotional state where your depressed about love.

Golden Filled/Silver lined: the feeling (i can only remember) you have when enjoying yourself with someone special. You feel like your lined with silver or filled with gold.

Golden Puddles: The want of that Golden Filled or Silver Lined feeling. (usually in a positive state of mind)

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yeah. today im in a puddley state. but its not a bad one..i guess im optimisic or thinking about only the good things and not how to accomplish them. Anyways tahts it adios.

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so what a nuetral position i am in. I am actually quite happy, or i think its more like contentment. Things just seem like whatever. I dont really care about things to much, i am not worried not anxious not anything. We just got our after prom party rooms at the hotel we started at. its kinda of exciting, but ive decided to set myself a few goals by then. I am going to start yoga agian. lol how many times have i said that? gotta get this running thing going too. gotta get a dress, shoes and somehow conjure up some money for the illegalness and the room and the limo and the bloody prom ticket.

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Indigo Milk

The sky was like indigo milk. The rain was so loud it kept me awake. The power had gone out and the candle I had lit flickered in the drafts coming through the door. I sat up in the bed, and pulled my knees under my chin. Davy was buried somewhere under the whole quilt. He had been sleeping for hours, and his resilience to the heat and noise didn't surprise me much.

The rain changed direction and started falling on the window. I lit my last cigarette I had kept in my pocket. It was bent and I was scared to bend it back for fear it would break. Davy would have said I was "symmetrically compulsive" if he were awake. He rolled over and put his arm around my waste and snored away the rest of the night.

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This is based of fact but most of it is fiction:

I wrote a love story, but I tore it up. I didn't throw it away. I spread out the pieces on my bed. There must have been a hundred of them. I thought if I could whisper a few words over them perhaps I would coincidently conjure up some ancient spell and the words would come to life.

I read them all. Bits and pieces of words and sentences. I felt like I was reading a shitty wannabe poem. I hated my self for trying, for believing.

I brushed the little things into a bin, and lay back unfocused my eyes. If I could end right now would I want to? I thought to myself. I often though about things I would never attempt. But it made me feel braver, like I did have will power. Like I was a Viking, not afraid of death and the battle before it.

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I feel like my chest is going to explode. I really am disgusted by things today. I kept thinking about the futures of little Allistair and Miles. What are they gonna have to grow up in? I mean we might have a 17 year difference but thats a long time. Are they going to grow up with such distress in this world? but the world is pain and distress. Everything is meant to suffer, no matter where, what who you are going to be miserable. People are going to be miserable. I am never going to get over my fears. They are my pains, and ive tried to force them out. They wont quit. So thats me.

The only goals i have now are to get a job and enough moeny to back pack to New Zealand. Even if that is the rest of my life, work get enough money to travel that is fine with me. All i need is a back pack with simple things and thats it.

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Journal entry before bed

I lie awake alot of nights wondering what i am. Why i am not satisfied with myself? What i am meant to do? How my heart even beats without these answers. That the hell am i made out of...where do i get off thinking about this shit, where does the shit come from dammit!

I am certain i will never have one answer, or any that are correct. I keep thinking that reaching some points, or doing or having something will make me know the answers. I will then be satisfied with things. I would have everything I want in contentment.

But as humans we are never content of satified. I am scared i will go to college, fall in mutual love and it will not make me happy or satisfied. that they will not teach me what i am supposed to do.

What am i even talking about.

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I feel pretty much on the edge I cant hold it in any longer. How much I long for a simple embrace. Instead the abyss is holding me, there is no recognized smell here. That silver lining or gold filled feeling is gone. I can only remember the one day I had it, looking out over the houses, the sky oh so dusk colored.

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So i started posting on the other blog i am on and that didnt sound to great, everything i was saying didnt sound like it should be posted on that one. too public, probably annoy people. so here i am posting where i know it will be safe. I feel like something is wrong with me. why do i space out and drift off at really random times. i feel horrible but at the same time i like to do it. get away from reality even if i am within the comfort of my friends. but i guess that is why i do it, cause i feel safe with them. if they are talking bout stuff and im interested but only enough to listen i find i am comfortable enough to do that, just sit there stare off into no where and listen. if i were with people i felt scared of or insecure around id try to act cool and interested so as not to seem "wierd". but why still do i space out completely? why do i suddenly want to leave them and be somewhere else?

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So at least i can swallow now without my whole neck feeling like its closing up on itself. but i have a deep chested cough which woke me up at 3 am. somehow i tumbled into the kitchen and found the Thera Flu which is my saviour i would like to say. hmmm im becoming more and more spacey and i dont know what it is but i think one day i will become completely dumb and stare out into space never ending. oh dear oh dear. well i checked my grade in mr gaidas and i got a 74 in the class and a 72 on the final. i got a 72 on gaidas test without studying! i suppose this really isnt any big achievement, but i feel that it is cause it shows that i can take in information and remember an average 72% percent of it. if only it were higher i would be set to never take notes again. oh well.

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So i really think i got a D for the semester in my Marine Biology class. I had taken notes, paid attention in class, done most of my work, but never really studied. It's a bad way to approache Mr. gaida's class. Basically its a college course, take notes, study, take test. The other things dont count as much as those three things. So i probably had a C to a C- before taking the final this morning. I took it and it didnt seem as bad as i thought it was gonna be, but still i didnt study and payed the price. I am preparing myself for getting a D in the class now. The wrath of my parents should be just around the bend. I am dissapointed in myself, but all the same it is not unexpected. I just feel bad that i didnt try harder in one of the best classes i can expect to get for free. Mr Gaida is practically a genius; he shouldnt be teaching he should be curing cancer. And here i am, supposedly loving biology and really not caring about studying at all. Now i must pay the price. I could not get in college for this, not go on to the second semester which i was looking forward to, get grounded for my grades etc. oh dear what have i done, again.

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theres a heavy weight on my chest...my breathe sometimes seems to give out before i expect it to. try to breathe deeper and all i get is long and shallow breathe. empty air, like a vacum. what is wrong with me? who the hell is like this? somethings gotta just kill me i mean really this is ridiculous....the pictures, the songs, the quotes they dont work anymore. i cant paste together a barrier with them anymore. i have no love, and therefore no beauty in my life. and the fact is i if i had it would it make me feel happier? would it be a dissapointment? i dont even know what it is. what the hell am i even talking about? im like some kind of never ending english prompt. i just dont get it but i keep reading it over and over knowing i need it to go on. christ i dont even know what it would be like anyways? why the hell should i wish for it? im such a lier. such a chicken, hypocrit, self-loathing puddle!

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Love stories. I love em and hate em. They are so tricky. they give you hope, but at the same time they take it away from you. they make you happy, but you cry. Symbolic ambivalence to the extreme i mean really. arrrrrg im such a hypocrit i am on the edge...cant battle it anymore! bleeeh im gonna go alone forever in to the depths of the world, and no catabasis do i see in the future. ooof its hopeless it really really really is...ooof im a puddle oh no! i have done so well, my walls they held against the pressure but now they are bursting...kahlua oh man save me!

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crawling. there i am, can you see me? oh yes she is so spoiled, so... so...so lazy! so scared. do i possess the normal amount of fear about my future, my risks, my lack of a particular love? if i do would it make me feel better anyways? everythings going so slowly. bleh its like eating oil and not being able to taste the air. i am so used to it though that i dont cry anymore...i kinda just stare at things and breathe lengthens but it does not become deeper. all i can say is oh well.

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so we went to the wonderful cocktail party last night. it was lovely to tell you the truth. we were terrifeid that people would not dress up and that we would be the only ones to. But in truth everyone did. the house was lit in a relaxed way so that it was not harsh to be in. Joey did a wonderful job with the drinks also. Everything went over smoothly except that i spilled on my dress, so me i tell you! What else can i say....just the same old feelings...although i was proud i did talk to some people that i would not expect to talk to me. Funky chicken! anyways...thats about it. hehehe my nails are painted!

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so i turned off my car and silence enveloped me. I was quite sad after that. i just sat there dead in a dead car.i wanted to get out of it but i felt l lifeless. whats going to happen to me, what can i do to know.

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::yawns:: hm dizziness, giggles, slurring, wide eyes, gesturing, blabbing on about nothing is what i gather of last night. Whether I am right or not is up to the witnesses. but now that its happened what's next in life? I mean what the next edgy thing caitlin will do. Will I be a rebel more against my walls and push them down all together? Well if I do muster an army to do this then it better be soon, cause if I do things as slow as I have been they will never happen. ::smiles and chuckles:: oh dear last night was craziness, but im not regretting it which is a very good thing for me, and im not exactly embarrassed about anything I did either. was good fun that it was, i liked the kaluha and milk mixture thing the best, it was the eastiest to swollow. yay i can finally say i have gotten drunk!

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