Brains!: September 2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You know when you think about a song, and you get lost in it, so much that you almost want to cry? Sometimes I get that way about land. Even land I've seen a million times. I'm surprised the ridge line of the Santa Monicas, as seen from Lincoln Blvd as it drops into Ballona, isn't burned into my brain. A subtle wash of pale pink, rose up from them, this evening, and finally I saw my first fall sunset. I think about moving through places a lot. I'm dreaming off all the places unexplored, the places set before me on my foot path. Inhaling those landscapes, memorizing them, just like the melody of a song. I get excited, I feel like I'm coming home, when I think about moving through places. It's the most comforting feeling in the world, to know I'm going exploring.

Sometimes I feel like that is all that is left of LA for me. The landscapes I've memorized. The rest I've lost faith in. Nothing really keeps me rooted here, and sweet whispers call me elsewhere. But I keep myself in the present, work through the steps. Whatever will be, will be.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I don't even know what to write, because there is too much to say. Maybe if you could walk in my shoes. What I do know, is I am tempted to believe in fate. Symbols and signs. I feel I should record them all, there are so many, too many to be coincidence.

There's something about the southern Californian afternoon light that really is special. That is something I take with me, like the redwoods, no matter where I go, California will always be in my heart.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Best and most cheesy dream ever.
I'm touring some basketball players giant house. It's all glass and orchids and weird metal staircases, and beds with too many pillows. Some how I'm outside, the top of a hill, I can see the ocean, there are trees everywhere, it's like a park but more wild.
I'm riding a horse, and in front of me a woman is riding one too. Hers an appaloosa. I have a distinct image of her galloping straight up hill between underbrush where the sun is breaking through and her sheeny white coat with brown spots ripples across the horses' muscles. Then somehow I'm flying, on my horse, we're in the air, and it's exhilarating. I'm crying, it's so intense, it's burning in my chest, and spreading through my fingertips. Dips and turns and ups and downs, and I'm giggling hysterically. Then I'm rolling around in the grass laughing as hard as I can. I can see the sun and the blue sky, and the trees, and I just cant's stop laughing.

Friday, September 17, 2010

It's just like that quote: anymore than a whisper and it could vanish.
I'm surfing on sea spray of a fragile wave. Soon I'll swim through the air, to where the bugs sing and the ocean is only a rumor.
I look at the hole I climbed out of, think of the lessons. I just have to acknowledge them. Be aware, as I always am.
In the meantime, I return to the bathtub, and I hold to my blues and greens.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The universe is telling me something. At the beginning of the year, someone told me that tigers would have a rough time, and the year would be what you make of it. This prediction came to be true more than I could have ever thought possible. I have faced the bottom, dwelled in it’s darkness for weeks, only to turn around just a few months later, and experience a new level of elevation. I’ve been lifted up higher than I’ve ever been before. I feel like I’ve been given a present. My god I am the luckiest girl in the world. But I wouldn’t have been ready for it if everything had not progressed the way it has. I had to prepare.

From a flat, static, emotionless thing, I was hollowed out of all the truths I thought I knew. I hit the bottom. Being emptied fully, I was given the extraordinary opportunity to fill myself back up with whatever I wanted. I needed to make a map of myself. I learned to read my internal compass. I explored every region. I needed to know the rocks and rivers within me. That intense exploration was preparation for this, the culmination of all my lessons. And there it is, wrapped up in the most amazing smile I’ve ever seen. When you truly know yourself, when you grab a hold of your own rock, the stars will align, I swear it.

Now I need to hold on for dear life to that rock, wear that compass around my neck, close to my heart. Life is fluid, nothing is set in stone. Pay attention to what’s been given to you. What’s right under your nose, grab hold of it, run at it will everything you have. Let it scale your walls. Open yourself to the energy of what makes you most happy. You’ll feel it under your skin. You know how I know this is something I need to pay attention to? I feel like I’ve been filled up electricity, that I’ve been soaking in a warm bath for days, I have to catch my breath all the time, ancient things are awake in me again. If I can tell you one thing, it’s to pay attention to what your body is feeling, it is wiser than your heart or mind will ever be.

It's come at the highest price, after a lot of pain. But still I must say thank you to the universe, no matter the outcome, I'll take whatever I can get, and give as much as I can. I will let this into me fully, experience every moment of it fully.

Friday, September 10, 2010

If you could feel the energy in my heart, then you would understand. If you knew what I had to hide, because I thought if I even whispered it, it might disappear, then you would understand. But it flew right over my walls, nestled in my branches, and there is is, awakened now, with every possibility in sight, nothing is forbidden.