I hate not sleeping. I'm anxious, and frustrated, and worried mostly. This time the weight on my chest is that of loss, a feeling of vague hopelessness. I've lost my taste for studying, or reading, or even sitting in classes. I can't even enjoy being outside because it's too cold. If this semester went any slower it would stop. WoW is eating my life away again, I need to take a break, but I'm sure that will come across the wrong way. My ear ache has gotten worse over the night, and I feel enormous, like I weigh 900 pounds. Like I could just sink to the bottom and watch as everything slips by me, silent like whales, and mysterious too.

Read more...

It’s always this goddamn uphill battle. I feel so completely useless. Like nothing I do will fix his mistrust towards me. I fail at making him happy all the time it seems. I don’t even want to talk to other people, for fear he’ll think I’m talking to them because I can’t deal with “being so faraway” or “cheating” or whatever the reason is. I don’t know if I’m getting trapped because I’m terrified of him thinking the wrong things about situations where there is nothing going on. Maybe he just misses me is all, and it’s just a symptom? It’s just beyond my comprehension, this complete suspicion and assumption he has garnered for me. I’ve never been so mistrusted in all my life. It’s hard to tell what exactly the main reason is, until I practically rip it from his mouth. I know that this thoroughly saddens me. Mostly it’s because I’m getting shut out. Which I felt like might happen when I went away. This distance is breaking my heart. It hurts so much to feel the loss of everything that we had developed over break. That no matter what I do there is no way I can prove to him I’m not lying. At least in person he can see the way I look at him, and even though I don’t think he notices the way I do look at him, I don’t feel as completely hopeless about the whole situation, because I know I’m able to everything I can. Here 600 miles away, guh I hate it here, it’s so goddamn lonely and frustrating.

In other news. Creative writing is really testing me. I have to rip down the walls of “writing for myself” and share with people. My writing is shit! Half the time I don’t even know what I am saying. I’ve never written more then like 6 paragraphs for a non-academic piece! And forget poetry. I hope this class helps to break that habit. I really do. I’m interested to see what I can actually achieve. I’m hoping to rewrite some old Blog entries, probably pertaining to the beach, and my metaphors surrounding woods and moons and silly things that I make up in my mind.

Read more...

Sometimes I wonder if I can do anything that pleases anyone. It seems I miss the mark all the time. All I want to do is please everyone, and make them happy. That’s who I am; it’s not me trying to be something I am not, because being the best person I can be, is who I am and what I want to do. The only reason I want to know so much, is that that is what lets me in, pulls me in, the more I understand, the more I feel connected, and the more I want that so much. I want to ask questions because that’s how I find out things so that I can better myself to see if that person will notice and be happy or the better for it. It’s also really great when the things I do on my own end up working out too. But it seems more often then not I screw up, or I can’t tell if they are being acknowledged. I mean I don’t know, this is who I am, I’m only trying to make things good. Maybe it’s because I’m terrified my faults will out weigh the things I have to offer, and they won’t make that person happy anymore. To say boring was hurtful to me, because I felt like that was another step to the whole thing breaking apart. My failure at being flirty or sexy or fun in any instance is one step closer to that person being unhappy. I get the strangest feeling that a lot of times, anytime I bring up a concern, if I haven’t thought it through completely logically, it will just get shot down. There won’t be any kind help with figuring out where it went wrong; it will just be I am wrong and dumb for not seeing it. It’s difficult. Especially with the limiting distance. But obviously I'm sublimely happy with everything else. This hiccup was due to the fact that I was worried I was failing. There’s so much I love and appreciate but I guess I have issues finding the right times to say or do things. It’s probably because of my lack of experience. I can’t help that. But doesn’t that mean I need more help understanding? Doesn’t that mean I often need reminding and patience? My immaturity level could probably be raised easier if I were helped prior to these incidences but that’s not how this will work out I’m sure. Mostly I have to stumble into situation to learn from them, and restart with a better understanding of what I should and should not be feeling. But knowing in the first place what makes that person tick helps me to avoid these hiccups. All I want to do is make other people happy, I cannot stand when someone is upset with me in any way, whether it be slightly annoyed, disappointed, upset, regret…I don’t even know. I feel the need to fix situations, and it’s sad when that’s not reciprocated. A lot of times when I am attempting to remedy, and learn from a mistake I have made, I feel I'm more annoying then anything. Sometimes my meanings are misinterpreted as I had said, but honestly I really just want to make it better for the sake of being happy. Even if we are so different in our approaches to life, how we operate and think about life, it doesn’t mean there isn’t middle ground where we could work it out. That’s all I want, and try to work for, is a positive outcome and deeper connection.

Read more...

I’m completely crazy about him. But it’s subtle, like I said I love it this way. I miss him so much, it’s excrutianting. I keep expecting to have him there, it’s crazy, I guess I’m just in shock of how much I actually feel about him, and I love it. I’m excited for it Hehe.

Read more...

The following is a wee journal entry that I have been working on all week, I’ve finally edited enough for posting.

I’m interested in understanding what other people actually think of me as a person. When they see or read, what are they really taking away from it? I know that what I am doing is honest to myself, and I assume that other people read all the things I put out there, everything, and from those things, believe me. But I guess that’s not the case. I think really it’s not something that can be fixed, and actually that doesn’t really bother me. I know what I’m doing is honest, and also I know too, that I am only human. I try my hardest to convey everything I have to give, or want to give. I do know that if the bridges are built, as they have been as of recently, it’s incredibly easy for me to fall deeper and deeper into that person. And as that happens, I grow more and more stable about knowing that I want it, that I need it, that I miss it, that I would do anything for it. And as that happens, my anxieties, my relapses and my concerns for retarded things, that don’t really matter or that miss the whole picture, melt away. I didn’t even notice till I realized that nothing was bothering me the way I thought it would, those shadows didn’t come back. The only thing now I’m anxious about is getting back into it, meaning going home, when’s the next time I get to see him? Because you only experience half of the person when your 600 miles apart. Those five weeks, allowed for a lot to happen to me, that needed to happen, the “normal” shit that relationships get, that we couldn’t get because we were 600 miles apart. Time couldn’t go any slower! Arg.

There are no guarantees in life. I believe people are meant to be together for as long as they are meant to be together. Things come into your life and change you, whether you realize it or not, and for people to expect me to stay the same my whole life, they are going to be sorely disappointed. Like I said, I have a tendency to let everything in, and as I mature, I’m learning more how to organize those things, store them away, and cope. It’s precisely the reason I broke up with James. Back then if I ever doubted that I was making a bad decision, there was a tiny voice reminding me that it was what was supposed to happen, however cheesy that sounds. For a while that voice wavered, when I was entering a strange place I had never been before on my path in the woods. But the voice comes back now and again, in fact I think it’s whispering has lead me to a place where I have no more use for it. That was proved to me this week. I can’t make promises about which I am going to be in three months. What if something catastrophic happens, like penguins attack me, what if I get offered a job, what if? What if the distance tries on me too much? What if I am weak like that? There are hundreds of reasons for things to change, other then the whole “finding someone better”. I’ve said it a hundred times before, I don’t think anyone is better then anyone else, people are just different. Like I said, people and things come into your life for a reason, they change you, and that’s what is supposed to happen.

Right now I get excited for a lot! It’s a great feeling, that’s slowly been building, like sunrise. At first there’s the rushing craziness of night, strange inklings and curiosities about the strip of light on the horizon, the things that could come. But when that sun starts rising, and it gains momentum it can happen rather quickly, catch you up in its arms suddenly. “Starting out intensely can easily lead to a burn out”. This time, I’ve sat down, and am consciously watching the sunrise, it’s going slower, but I’m noticing the details, just like I was told I would. The things I should be paying attention to, not the expectations I have. They are the sweetest pinks and oranges that now spill upwards towards me. I like this a lot. I love this in fact. I wish desperately that I didn’t have to be here, even though I love Humboldt so much, I want to go back to the building, I want the sun to keep rising, and for it to keep going. That’s an important thing to say, that I am so completely wanting it to keep going, exactly like this, and like I said “And as that happens, I grow more and more stable about knowing that I want it, that I need it, that I miss it, that I would do anything for it” to keep going!

Read more...

When I was getting in my car I realized there was a slight expression behind a usually stone exterior. I wondered what it meant? I looked searchingly into his completely honest face, and got the strangest sensation that there were things wanted to be said, but being held back. I wasn’t disappointed at all though, the look itself was enough, more then I expect and get usually. I felt the tears welling up, and the last thing I wanted to do was shut the door, but I was also frightened to let it all out. I got in the car and then it came, and I cried for a little while, wanting so much to call, but knowing it would just make it harder. So I cast a steel rod through my spine, to support me as I drove up to Stanford. I don’t want to know what the darkness and frozen cave of my room in Humboldt will have waiting for me night tomorrow. I can almost feel the shadows of last October and November creeping up, utter loneliness. I’m sooo tired, and all I want to do is sleep with my nose kissing the nape of his neck.

Read more...

The smallest things clue me in. But a lot of times I’m so suspicious of the meanings behind the actions, and I end up reacting in the wrong way. Is this a sincere meaning or a sarcastic one? Why are moving your fingers over my skin delicately like you never have before?

“Can I have some scissors?”
“What for?”
“The string, I think its psychologically choking me and making my head hurt more.”
He pulled out a pair of orange handled scissors from the mess of his drawers. I precariously snipped the braided string from around my neck. He held out his hand and I placed the string in it, not even having time to wonder what he wanted it for. Laying it over his knee he started tying it to his left wrist. I thought about how every time I watch him using his dominant left hand; I get the strangest urge to giggle. This time I didn’t, instead I helped him tie it, snipping off the long tails. Taking one of these left over pieces I did the same thing, tying it to my right wrist. It didn’t occur to me later that this might have a lot of meaning for me, but I was held up because I could not tell if there was some double meaning to the whole act. He always tears off the wristbands given to us for bowling nights, while I have once kept mine on for four weeks. Apparently he likes that I keep mine on though, and seems startled when ever I mention taking it off. He didn’t seem saddened by my snipping off my necklace of string, and tying it around his wrist wasn’t a premeditated plan, it just happened, on its own. Something in that is amazing.

“Do I complain as much as other girls?”
“Yes”
“Oh”
“Just kidding. Well you complain about different things”
“Oh?”
“They complained about being places, being bored, always saying ‘can we leave yet?’”
“I don’t complain about that.”
“I know that’s what I’m saying. The things you complain about are about you, they are more painful.”
“I guess I don’t complain about going places, because I spent two years locked up in my bedroom.”
“Who locked you up?”
“James I mean…he was the girl you see, never wanting to go out, always wanting to stay home for WoW.”

The above conversation isn’t particularly eloquent or insightful, but usually the ones that stay with me, and are the most easily forgettable. Usually only I remember them. This one is another example of my curiosities about his meaning. I wasn’t sure if he was happy about it, or indifferent. I wonder a lot if there are any qualities that set me apart from any other girl. At one point during our new years conversation he mentioned, “You try to relate to me on an emotional level”. That meant a hell of a lot to me, to hear him say that. It was one defining attribute that made me special or different from any other girl he could get.

I realize even if this doesn’t/isn’t working, which by the way seems to change with the moment for me, I have lost some key elements in myself about how I approach any person I meet. Well it’s more like I have lost the recognition that what I love to do is understand someone. It’s why I don’t mind listening to stories that people can go on and on about. It’s why anytime Jordan explains technical things, or geology, or social psychology, or whatever it is, I’m so turned on and fascinated, because I love learning, and understanding what makes that person so happy.

The past week has actually been wonderful on so many levels that I wanted right when I got home, but it’s like we have to fall back into each other before we can build anything. I am reminded of right at the end of turkey week, when I was so completely smitten suddenly, but it was the night right before I left. This time I was surprised and pleased that I figured out I had one more week before classes, and that I would get to stay longer, get to learn and establish more understanding. But like I said things turn around to darkness quite easily for me these days. I’m prone to thinking the worst, wondering what I’m missing and who.

Read more...

I feel like a lot of things are going to be over soon. Going back up there, will bring me back to the same places I have recently visited. I'm not so much scared as I am, feeling...heavy. I don't even want to wish for it to go 'okay'. I don't want to move forward at all. I want to be suspended, and never face the things that are coming, that are supposed to happen, that could happen. One thing that will be there, is loneliness, no matter what occurs, that is definitely going to be the ghost.

Read more...

i hate dreams...i hate them, i hate them, i hate them, i hate them, i hate them...

Read more...

My blog could be considered a dangerous thing. I don’t think it is. Everything I write is completely honest. Everything I post is edited; things are added and omitted when they go from Word Document/journal page, to published. It’s a window into the part of my conscious that cannot be communicated verbally. It’s not meant to be the place I spill my hidden things, that’s why I have one in the first place. You can really access a lot about me through the blog, and it’s partially there for that purpose. But its also a tool for me, writing in general is a tool for me. Therapy in some sense. However, there’s a lot missing. To read it, and to think that’s the “be all and end all” of me, would be very wrong. That’s why it can be misleading. A lot of people read it, and they don’t take away what it actually means. No one really knows what I actually mean by a lot of the things I say, and that’s not my problem. Like I said, its only there partially for the purpose of letting people into that part of me, the rest is there for me, for my “human” side to come out, my subconscious to deal. To take it literally would be a dangerous thing for the reader.

I was thinking recently about this other side of me that no one could ever know. How there are so many sides to people you never know about, you’re not meant to know about. How no one, not even myself sometimes, can really understand what I went through in October and November. How I really got so far away from stability, because I was being pulled into such a lonely place. I want to be loved completely, wholly, I want to be “fought for”, I want to pined over passionately, and I want to know its happening.

I realize now that Jordan and I are complete opposites on an emotional and operational level. It’s strange that we even like each other at all. We’re incompatible in so many ways. The love I have for him seems to be like a low-lying fog, it hasn’t lifted to clear skies yet. I’m not sure where I am with it. His logic, stubbornness and “my way or the highway” attitude, clashes completely with my emotional, “by the seat of your pants”, bends over backwards for the other person attitude. I was so happy to have a normal conversation, of talking face to face, without yelling. (I should really write more about our personality differences, but I feel like its not necessary at the moment, nor can I entirely concentrate on figuring that out on any level) Even though it seemed to go in circles, it seemed to make me more confused and clearer at the same time.

I’m not sure where any of this goes, for either of us, or both of us, or whatever. But I’ve come to the conclusion, that if I want out, that’s what is supposed to happen. Not saying I want it to happen. But rather, that everything happens for a reason I believe, people are in your life for the time they are supposed to be, for however long you need them. I’ll know when the time is right for whatever changes come. It will happen on it’s own as everything does.

But I do know that, after this conversation the other half of me, the understanding half of me, sees somehow that hint of why it does work, why there is no real reason for me to be the way I am, or for him to be the way he is, that there is some other thing that holds people together, rather then just personalities. That gives me hope. That there’s something developing in me, slowly, not like the roller coaster of previous times, this is a slow change for me. An extremely hard, emotional change, that needs to happen for me to grow. This is the better way, maybe not the write way, but a path to take.

Read more...