I have figured out what was wrong last night. i felt utterly alone, even though im not alone at all. and i dont want to rely on anyone, but it seems thats all i want.

it was like nothing was making me feel better, and i couldnt figure out what was making me sad.

sorry ...i mean i dont know if having one special perosn would saisfy my lonliness. it was more like nothing anyone was saying was making any sense to me or helping me feel any better. and no one was understanding (even though they might have been) what i was talking about

I was speaking a different language. and its no ones fault

Its just insane how strong i feel for certain things sometimes

Things are weaved onto the walls of my heart and they are there forever and i am always carryng them and feeling them,

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something has been off for a while now. i wonder if my plataue of glee has finally tapered out. i think it has. now im kinda back to where i was. frustrated. annoyed with people. i dont like it after experiencing such a wonderful state of bliss for a while. yeah i guess thats all i have to say. im not satisfied yet again.

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well im kicking myself. haha. first of all doesnt the image of that make you die laughing? but really i am i hid M.E on my buddy list so i cant see him. i dunno if it is making me more crazy or if it is making better but ever so painfully slow. i just want it to go away or to do something. its in this horrible itchy limbo. im so ancy about it, like right before you scream or right when you drop off a building. i hate it. i dont even think i like him i think its the fact that something happened so one grasps to the only bit of attention they have-resulting in clingyness. i just want him to disappear. i cant really handle it. i feel kinda sick to my stomache about it.

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is there a difference between infatuation and love, becuase if there is then infatuation seems to be the stronger of the two. i guess i always thought real love was like this big bang of crazyness that never ended just went on and on and on. but maybe thats only within the first few hours or realizing thats what you are feeling then it wares off. see i could say i love olga, anna, and some people from humboldt as truely great friends and i would not be lying. but where does friend love and love love start and stop, does it? do i love someone and i dont even know it because there is no real difference. if infatuation is always a better more exciting type of love then i can see why people cant carry on long term relationships. sometimes the exhilration of meeting someone new just wears off, you cant help it. but what it decomposes into is tricky. friend love, love love? what dammit! i guess ill just have to find out for myself one day.

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Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I mean i had a taste of something i wanted to experience for so long and it did satisfy some inner craving for a time. but now coming back to life at school, it seems like it was all a dream. It was a false elysian. Like it never really happened. There's almost no hint, except for the occasional IM and plane ticket stubs saying i went and came. I remember everything as if i had read it in a book and I have to imagine what it all looks like. The memories i am talking about are the specific ones about M.E and I. I am happy here, and happy about so many things. Yet I am hearing other peoples similar instances and watching other peoples relationships unfold and i keep thinking about it. I really liked what happened. And then we had to part and go away from each other, and frankly i think im hoping and thinking its more then it actually is. I only think this beucase i always think stuff related to this is more then it is, and in the end it turns out not to be. But becuase i am so negative about it, and becuase i knew we were going our seperate ways, and becuase i was in disbelief of it actually happening-all these things have been and are keeping me from falling completely into some wading pool of crazy crush-y-ness.



But all in all things are insane. i mean M.E will IM me, not i to him and will willingly talk to me. I do get a sense that sometimes he might be more interested in other things he is doing. Not to say that he should drop everything to talk to me, but if it were something dont you think he would answer faster? This crazy paranoia. Well all in all its keeping the wading pool in check, keeping me from totally just talking to him as if we were madly in love. keeping me waiting for him to IM, waiting between IM's. Its so disgusting really. Why does everything have to be so vague, way back when people just sent you letters expressing what thier intentions were. there was none of this snooping around. But then again back then people were betrothed, married off. I dont want anything to do with the idea of a long term thing because i am a chicken, but the idea of something some sense of security and knowlegde of what is going on would be nice. but alas! it will not be. its crazy what these things do to a person. how much it really does control our lives. i mean we think some rain, some war, and some dumb trip to the airport on the wrong day will make you crazy. But this truely drives people to the brink. Well four months ahead...i dont even want to think four months ahead.

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I am back at school! There's snow on the surrounding hills! Imagine that half an hour east you can be in the snow, and half and twenty minutes west you can be at the ocean. I love this place. It's rather quiet right now becuase no one has arrived. I got to hang out with colin and colleen and i had forgotten why i like them so much, they are so funny and such great people. Anyways, the face book has eaten my life. It's wierd to think i havent talked to half those people since high school and i will probably never actually talk to them again but i am "friends" with them on the face book. I think its perdy neat. Anyways! I dont have much else to say. i wonder what will happen over these next five months. what does recent happenings hold in the future?

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In this dream I was scared more then I have been in dreams and more convinced that it was actually real. I was in a car with people I didn’t really know; I was sitting right behind the driver. The person next to me had a huge black moustache and wore a cream colored suit. It was dark outside, everything was dark. Then I felt something jab my side. I looked to see he was sticking a gun into gut. He shot me and I felt blood, cold running from a whole in my back. He shot the driver and the front seat passenger and then got out of the car. I was suddenly in another place as it so often happens in dreams. I was lying on the floor of some sort of room and people were bending over me. I realized the only face I recognized was Arin’s a girl from my high school who I haven’t seen since. She was smiling at me kindly. I was lying on my stomach in what felt like to be a drunken daze. There was no pain from the hole in my side, but I kept very still in case any movement would hurt me. I was so aware of the blood still flowing out and dribbling down my body like a little spring. I soon realized I was going to bleed to death. But there wasn’t much I could do about it because I could hardly lift my arms and my eyes were floating around as if they were a boat on an ocean. Someone said, “we had better get her to the hospital.” Arin smiled at me and took my hand. I then remember I was lying on the floor of the emergency waiting area, there were nurses and people running around in such commotion I thought I was in the middle of a war zone, or people trying to escape some big catastrophe. Then a doctor knelt down beside me and lifted my sweater up and wiped some of the blood away that was still flowing freely. I lay very still and he lifted me up in his arms and took me to an operating room where he removed the bullet and stopped the bleeding. There was no pain only the feeling that someone was pulling my skin away from my body. Then I woke up. I couldn’t believe how detailed this dream was, it only made me all the more terrified of it. But in the dream itself I was hardly scared at all, which made me more and more frightened till i had to stop thinking about it.

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I feel like i have been cold this past month or two. Being home is nice. I have been here long enough to feel like it is my home. but maybe another four months away will make me feel like it is not again. This break has really been the close to a crazy year. i mean this time last year i didnt know where the hell i was gonna be today. and then i went to school and met some poeple and learned somethings. not just academic but some really true human things. I read some wonderful books and saw some brilliant movies. They had to have made me different in some ways i believe. There were some horrible things that happened around the world and at home, and it was horror for so many people. but yesterday i went to the beach and watched the latest storm coming swallowing up the sun. i thought about the adbusters quote. this is the place where immensity and infinity meet and never seperate. i couldnt help but feeling this fine ribbon wrapping itself around me. there is so much beauty in this world. i see it in everything. in my friends new and old and random things that have happened to me. i dont even have much to say about it, except that its something i think i have started looking for more and more this past year. i want everything to mean something, everything to have a reason and a part in making something beautiful. i wish more people could see it, could see meaning in everything. things happen for a reason. knowing this keeps me really sane. the insane part is wondring what the reason is, what will something mean in the future?

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Purple Flowers.

Purple Flowers.
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

Peace.

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Run Away!!!!! eeeeep wierdest days of my life. i feel like nothings even happened. ITS SOOOOO STRANGE. oh well just go with the flow. its so lovely and different and new its nice i like it alot. if it ends it ends, if it doesnt then cool too haha. im just happy at the moment so anything can go.

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hahahaha how ironic as soon as im ready to talk to someone they are no where to be found. i love the rain by the way. its my second favorite type of weather. my favorite is right after rain when the storms being blown away and the left over clouds are chasing it. they are huge fluffy things with depth and shape. and teh wind clears the air and the ground is wet and the sunsets are brilliant!

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oh man oh man.....what? its insane i tell you insane!!! and quite lovely. quite unexpected. too drunk too high. sometimes im just a big moron. sometimes things are just crazy and they happen and you cant think about them, it just happens, and then all of a sudden your like hey look its all good dont worry about a thing, and your confidence gets all boosted. still its so crazy sooo un-me. but its alright in the end. ya know what i mean. i guess now it is me. or something like that. whatever im just gonna keep on going dude. keep on going...

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