Chain of events:
MOVE ON!
I've been thinking about why I don't write very much anymore and the only conclusion I have is that it's one of the things that got lost along the way, when I let me fears take over fully. I numbed my expressive self and focused my energies on protection from anything that could make me feel bad. The sad thing is writing made me felt good but I the idea of allowing vulnerability do it's thing was not something my body wanted for a long time.
Now I know what's up it's still hard to make the change 'to do' instead of 'think' and/or 'hide'. I suppose I feel like if I keep busy enough walls will naturally come down, if I just 'do' things will change. But I think that's partially how I got here in the first place. I stopped reflecting, stopped writing, stopped myself because I either thought I was better or I didn't want to admit I wasn't totally satisfied or I was scared of losing blah blah blah. I sort of lost my natural path some how.
Random ramblings. I'm making myself write you see. I've had this computer screen up for like 2 hours with nothing. So I just started typing and this is what it is, random stuff. Better than nothing and I hope will lead to more and more of something.
So...Brene Brown...The Gifts of Imperfection
There's soo much. Too much. Here is what I can say. Her research and
theories and conclusions accurately define me. So ACCURATELY that I want
to run and hide and stop facing them.
It's hard to just pick one quote, this whole book needs to be read.
Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness. pg 25
What does this mean for my future? How much pain will I have to go through to get to the other side? What will the other side look like? What or who will I lose along the way?
These are all questions of fear. The fear is rooted in shame.
I'm not asking myself what I will gain. I'm not accepting myself now and that will be the journey to 'wholeheartedness', living with my whole heart.
I've lost my ability to be vulnerable (or maybe I never fully had the ability) and because of that I have become disconnected from those around me and my authentic self.
Just thoughts, many many many many thoughts. The first of many many many thoughts that will be thought about a lot for my whole life but especially as this process continues.
Shits been going on.
Also they've updated blogger in my absence. I've been farting around with another blog I thought of starting a while back on Wordpress, whose platform I prefer, so I've neglected this blog. I mean clearly there's more to it than that.
I started therapy again. My therapist prescribed homework this last session 1) read this book and watch this T.E.D. Talks 2) Journal.
So Here I am Journaling. I've only been to three sessions but I already feel like I'm coming up for air or really that I'm just seeing things more clearly. It's like I found some stuff out about myself last time, then I threw an old sweater over it and forgot what I had discovered. I also am quite sure I cut myself short last time, I thought I could just move forward but I still didn't have it all quite sorted out. I don't think I ever will and maybe therapy will just be this ongoing thing and that's totally cool.
I don't know if I'm ready to divulge much about it. I just wanted to get in here and write something, anything. Maybe it's just that I feel like there's too much and I need to go back and some how write it all here. Maybe this absence ties in to other things that I'm rediscovering.
Shits been going on.
I'm at that place where I'm ready to move forward in so many ways but I'm just a wee bit stuck at the moment and I thank all those, especially Drack, for their support in letting me find my own way.
I was farting around the internet and stumbled upon this article. It's imperative that you read it before you read the rest of this. It's a nail on the head sort of thing, some how comforting in its exactness and sad because of it. For a while there I did think I had new 'friends'. No. They're just people I've met, people I work with. It's a lonely feeling. An all to familiar feeling: not being remembered, being left out. It's also not something you blame on everyone else. I don't think there's anything malicious going on here, I just think that some how I'm not appealing, either because I purposely (yet subconsciously) made it that way or because that's just who I've become.
In the moments when I'm not wallowing around feeling sorry for myself I realize how beautiful Tennessee is on days like today, when the weather is tolerable. I am happy to live here, I truly am. I think, what the hell life is great! And it's obvious that I lucked out in the boy department. Just sometimes, and especially over the course of the last couple of months I feel like my spirit has changed. These thoughts and my analysis of my relationships has become a forefront issue in my daily reflection of my life. It could just be the tremendous amount of stress Drack and I endured for an extended period of time, maybe I'm purging everything as I release from that stressful place. And this is just something that was always there. The bottom line is:
I feel like friends dropped away from me, way before Tennessee whether it was my fault or some naturally occurring process I don't really think those details matter. The present is what matters. I just ended up distanced from most everyone and it makes me distanced from even my own feelings, even from Drack. I want to be more open. I want to be more assertive without being pushy and desperate. Being an adult is lonely. I watched that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other day and there's some discussion on the loneliness of childhood. Maybe that was the case for others but it's the opposite for me. I had a very full childhood. There was no questioning of relationships they were just there, they were natural - there was no working at them, no issue with nitpicking. And in some ways those early ones are always there. But goddammit your 20s are filled with relationships that seem to be missing authenticity and the nitpicking takes over, by the time you're 30 you're screwed. And it's not just nitpicking others, it's nitpicking yourself. It's like you suddenly gain all your confidence in every other part of your life but it back fires. I can't even call someone up to go watch TV or hang out for a minute. I don't feel like I've gotten to that stage with any of these 'new' relationships. It's like one has to have some kind of plan with these 'new' friends. With old friends it doesn't matter if you're just sitting on a couch for 9 hours, the time goes by and it's no issue. With 'new' friends, everyone is looking at their clocks, prioritizing. I certainly know none of my 'new' friends are crisis friends. I sometimes think that this can be blamed on couple-ing. Honestly. I've lost some of the friends in my past due to it and I don't pretend to think that I didn't do this to others myself. You don't try as hard because you have a significant other to fall back on. Or something like that.
I feel like I could write a whole personal essay on this.
There are also the times when you meet people whose age hinders the hanging out. Some how it's not okay to hang out with someone whose age difference is too great. I feel like this is something that shouldn't even be questioned anymore in this day and age. But see even in saying that, I think of all the people who are significantly younger than I, and I get annoyed just thinking about their ridiculousness. You start isolating problems with every single relationship you encounter. I feel like I got my hopes up, that I had gotten past that first awkward stage and I was completely wrong.
There's also something I do. And although I try to push it down and try to tell myself I don't do it. I know I do. And I'm sorry to those who feel betrayed but I'm admitting it: I just don't communicate my feelings enough, about anything. That's really a whole new post, but it's especially true in regards to 'friendships' and I think the reason I don't is because I know the other persons response will probably be "well why don't you just do something about it, get out there and meet people". I understand what you're saying but this is what I say to you: it's easy to get out there and surround yourself with people, it's the second date with those people that's hard. Tell me in all honesty, you don't some how relate to this?
I've been very preoccupied with my health over the last year and half and although somethings have changed, somethings haven't. And when you get to that point, you start to ask yourself if that's what's getting the way of complete health success. I feel like this year, I may need to add something to my regimen. Something that addresses my spirit. I've noticed that I've become clumsy again, I've developed some kind of fungal skin issues, I've had neck pain again. I'm regressing. And I wonder if some how all of these things are connected.
That's all for now, it feels good to write again.
Shit pretty much exploded towards the end of March. Today is supposed to be the day that closure brings some sort of big monumental end to whirlwind. It really hasn't yet. Maybe when we have a couch again I'll feel differently. Bed bugs folks, are one of the most devastating things that can happen to someone. I'm not trying to be dramatic but I seriously have PTSD. We've lived in 4 places in the last month. Originally we were escaping a roommate, then we were escaping bed bugs, then escaping family, now to a one bedroom apartment complex with a scary brown shag carpet and a pretty wooded view.
I'm not sure if it's the stress or if it's the lack of grounding but I feel even more disconnected. People seem really distanced to me. Even Drack, even the cats...I feel robotic. We live rather close to a park I visited last fall, right after all the leaves fell. I've been desperate to go up there the last few days and I'm hoping the whole place isn't a swamp on Sunday (my only up coming day off) to go out there and see it in the spring time. It's been raining a lot here, which is lovely. Spring might actually be my favorite season, I know I've always been obsessed with fall but I've really enjoyed spring this year. It cheers me up when I'm cranky or upset about this whole bed bug fiasco. We've been so stagnant, waiting around for news about our bed bug settlement agreement. I feel like walking in the woods may bring an immediate sense of accomplishment.
I'm trying to peer in to the future and all I see is a vast expanse of what am I doing and what the fuck just happened?
Complainy paragraph:
I never got to go Austin for my sister's 50th birthday back in the
beginning of April, again curse of the bed bug. Also our 'vacation' to Los Angeles at the end of March
was also a disaster (bed bugs strike again, not to mention sinus
infections). So after 2.5 years of living here, we've not had a proper
vacation. Not one that has not ended in disaster after two nights or had
to be cancelled before it even began. I don't even want to think about another trip anywhere...
© Blogger template Noblarum by Ourblogtemplates.com 2009
Back to TOP
