today was off. i think ive been off for a long time and i just have spurts of good things and good days but really in the end im not in a place that is making me happy or satisfying me. and i wonder is there supposed to be? i just know i get sad about things and its getting to the point where i feel like i should stop getting sad and just stop all together. i let myself get this way and i shouldnt. right now more then anything im seeing that lonely empty glass sitting in front of me, waiting to be filled again. I would give anyhting to sit for three days on a beach, eat apples, read and sleep in a hamock right there on the beach. I know vacations arent solutions to problems but i want to do that. i wont so i guess i have to settle for hours of naps and dozing which seem to make me leave everything behind. my writing has tapered out, ive kinda come out of it again as one might tell from the lack of posts and the lack of content. i dont want to go back and i am.

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drawing

drawing
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

I drew this on my birthday. I have not drawn for ages and ages bu i just sat and drew things that came to my mind when i read over previous blog entries. (its kinda of a crappy picture of the picture) at the top left there is a pattern of the ring i bought with aleisha. The eye is from a picture of me. the fairy is being held down by hands, theres buttercups, the night sky, the waterfalls, the tea cups and kettles, and the names of my favorite music.

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More from my writing...

"Well this is it the day. The first day of the rest of my life, i can either change my ways or everday after this will be the same as today and before. You see if i am a true Traveler then i am a true adapter, well i better kick my ass into adapting ASAP."

ack im one year less then 20 freaky! yeah i dont feel different but thats how birthdays work. Either way alot of stuff i suppose has happened in the last year, mostly in this year of the last year, am i making any sense no? but do i ever make any sense. Im just talking right now, just letting my fingers do the transcribing. I dont know what the next year will hold but i find i dont like looking ahead far. And another thing ive over come the regret that i feel about certain things. i realize that eventually one comes to understand that everything had to happen this way or the good things you have now ( and the bad) would not be in your life right now. You would be a totally different person if you had said no, or if you had said yes or whatever....I dunno i dont want to say everything happens for a reason-but everything does happen and obvioulsy it brings you to where you are now for better or for worse. i guess my point is being alive is what im happy for right now. being able to feel is what im happy for, i dont ever want to go completely numb. I dont want to go back to that time i had forgotten about. i almost feel like its sneaking up on me again though, but this time nstead of being numb about it, im letting fill me up.

Aleisha and i have spent this whole week together practically. I really do love her company, and she is an extraordinary person. I look up to her alot for her advocacy of social justice and for her humanitarian views of the world. Sometimes i am such an idiot, and i can feel that pang of regret i thought i had gotten rid of, but it seems now that i am more open with everything i do, i can fix the silly conflicts i create and it can bring people together.

I was sitting in the light in the upper hallway of Founders Hall yesterday writing and it was glorious. It sort of reminded me of the day i sat in the light on the stairs in my dads house for a couple of hours, just sitting. That must be a year ago now. I thought about how i was restrained on the stairs. How in founders i could almost feel the chains coming back to bind my feet to the ground. I can feel the shallow breathe coming back, the way i had to force the air down to the my belly and the way my heart seems to shrink suddenly like a balloon deflating. I dont know maybe im just thinking i can handle the way things have turned out and really in the long run its silently destroying me.

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Me On Rock

Me On Rock
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

If i could sit on this rock for the rest of my life, i probably would consider it. But there are so many other beautiful rocks to sit on in this world, that i do not think i could stay here at College Cove forever.

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Selected parts of my writing over the past few days.

I decided to pick up my pen and write; I was hoping something potent would spill out of me like orange juice in the morning.

Most people think that when they are hit by something they are the only ones who are and have experienced the blow. Maybe that is just the individualistic mentality of our society. But really if people would just ask, you would find how much we actually have in common. Maybe it could unite people instead of dividing them. It is also very sobering thing in the end. Seeing Hotel Rwanda brought me back to reality. Everything I had been feeling was nothing to the emotions these people were experiencing. But having said that, I do not know if you are able to say one persons tragedy is worse of better then another persons. I mean to say that just because something horrific is going on in someone else’s life it does not mean your own conflicts are worth nothing. They are just different. Maybe if people realized this they would not become so frightened. If they knew someone else overcame the same thing they would have a new found courage.

In response to my January 19 Blog entry- I feel like there is a difference between infatuation and friend love. But friend love is quite the same as being in love. And sometimes infatuation comes before the other two and is mutated in to one or the other or it just wears off. Yes it just wears off…and one realizes they are not really worth it to the other person and its over. Then its just gone like that- no remains to judge properly by.

I smell like campfire. The best smell in the world. No my dogs paws. How about those buttercups, splitting a chasm in the grey. But it has traditionally been vanilla, thinner then water. The nape of your lover’s neck. Wood, paper, and books. Sometimes the dank of the river between the woods.

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"I kind of fell in" I decided to say.
"Don't I know it." They said back.
"Lying back there in that pool of you."
"Yes I remember that." They smiled then.
"You slid across my cheeks ever so precisely. Sometimes everything is almost too beautiful and I would collapse as if you had died in my arms, and cry, cry from the ecstasy of it all."
"You are saying that on a spectrum you live at both the extremes? I think this is tremendously dangerous and wonderful all at once."
"I think it is because of you in part." I said to them.

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Quiet as a spoon.
I lie in wait in a hidden cabinet.
Under the watchful eye of the moon.
Guiding my every which way.

So that i might shine when need be.
When you wait for me.
In that second that you would have to.
Then I would let you live.

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I said i would take you in with my breath and let you out when i need to. and you know what letting you out is impossible, but it isnt so bad. You can actually stay as long as you want. the lost feeling has been disipating these past few days, i wrote a sorry poem for myself and to you - which i consider a type of closure. things could not be better if they had to end, so what more can i really ask for without it being pretend? I feel like i wont be the same, but i have found that it may be for the better and not for the worst. That is all gone now, but there is other stuff, there are other people, there are always chances for everything. Maybe what ive learned will aid me in the furture or destroy me, who knows, but the uncertainty gives me hope because nothing is set in stone.. it is still sad but im not forlorn any longer. things are just the way they are and i am dealing even though some things still remain. so here i go, back to some form of my former self, and i bring with me great reminders of things i loved, and i leave behind this weeks sad spots.

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There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.
Malcolm X

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Songs of the day:
"Shiver" - Coldplay
"There's a fine, fine line.." - Avenue Q
and also Phish and Jack Johnson

THE SUM OF EVERYTHING SO FAR
It’s all slipping through my fingers. I could see it after he came down the mountain, that gleam in his eyes was gone, he left it there on that mountain. I knew there was something off. Ironic. Something was so obvious to me, but everyone kept telling me otherwise. Now I don’t know whom to believe. I think he just got too scared. He realized what it was we were doing and he got spooked. He listened to the way other people talked about us, maybe realized how much I actually liked him and he got scared. I mean it did happen so fast, within a week we were together, and for about three weeks of the time we were under the together label it was great. But his Zen zone on that mountain whispered otherwise, made him double-think. But you cannot really go back can you? What does he want? Did he ever want this really? Did he ever really care? I hardly have any idea of how to act now. What is ok to do and say around him? The waves of sadness and longing keep washing over me and making me seasick. I thought getting in the car for 7 hours would be horrible. Then I thought not too bad. I mean I guess its crappy, but if I lost him completely, if he had left it till later, when he just couldn’t handle it and would have to cut me out of his like completely I would go insane with sadness, despite the crap I’m feeling right now.

I did cry for an hour, silently, and maybe he noticed maybe he didn’t, but I did have my cry. Then something crazy happened, a buttercup can make your whole life different with one inhale. I spoke and we talked and laughed with out the awkwardness that could have been there. I think I could see my despondency go out the car window and get caught in the redwoods. That feeling got left there in the trees, like he left his gleaming eye on that mountain. And I think it did for the most part. Maybe the way we acted like friends again after the buttercup is proof that we can go back to a version of the old. That aspect of our relationship is closed, but we still have all those other things between us. We came through all that, and I poured out my heart to him after and he listened. Maybe I did that because I was scared if I didn’t say anything I never would and I really would loose him. Now I realize that our love for each other’s company was what I was concerned about not loosing, and giving up those parts of the things we shared was the sacrifice I had to make just to stay with him in some way or another. Having said that it shows how attached I really am I guess. I will always wait I think. Always, I will wait for him. If he came to me and said he was wrong I would take him back. If he kissed me for nothing more then kissing’s sake I would let him. I would risk my unhappiness to be close to him. If we just end up as friends I am happy I have not lost him all the way, like Colleen did, but I will always miss him. He sits on my bed right now, and I am happy for that. I am happy he is not distant right now. I hope I am not writing this down to soon, based on one day of judgment.

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Water Drop

Water Drop
Originally uploaded by skinnymalinkee.

Reminder of the real life.

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sometimes i find myself so utterly paranoid, frightened of everything out there that could be beautiful and terrorizing all at once. but then i am wrapped in arms, i sit up right and i pay attention, i think of the times to be had, the times i have had. How much these things really mean to me. make me feel so safe, and then i can go on a conquer what ever i want. All i want is independence and at the same time thats what scares me most. I hate the thought of someone taking care of me, being a burden but in the end thats all i want. to feel protected so that in my own world i can do what i want. achieve things with the knowledge of that safety net. i will take the risks, if i know there is at least one person who wont judge me if i fail-will catch me when i do and never let go. i wonder if my dreams are my mind making up scenarios where i need protection from the end. ive begun to not want to think so far ahead in my life. im scared of what will end, what ill turn into. that i wont have anything, anyone and purpose. so i go day by day, go with the flow day by day and and do what seems right each day.

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