Remember how I used to talk about my path in the woods, and the stars and the moon, and the lantern holder? I can't even relate to that anymore. Now its more like dark circles and vast stretches of time between seeing anyone who I am allowed to be friends with anymore. I'm down to one now. Thank god for roommates, and for Olga, I would be completely alone, except for Jordan of course. He's not a lantern holder...I am not even sure what he is... just that there are so many positives and negatives that I cannot make any decisions to push or pull regarding him. I feel like I probably couldn't until I saw him again, it wouldn't be fair. There is no way to judge people based on AIM or other silly technological devices, I am almost sure things between would escalate to some level of clarity if we were together, and generally all the things I am paranoid about and he suspicious about, would not be there to worry about. But it's not fair to make any rash decisions, I couldn't risk an experience I have not had yet, in other words I'm not done with this experience, and it needs to keep going. In the meantime, my stable demeanor of life sucks oh well, is faltering, and my shield is dented and I feel like I drag my feet more, getting on my bike or under a 45 pound bar is something I for surely feel is helping me not topple over into pools of misery, just as my friends and Jordan have helped to hold me up to.

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It's sooooooo cold, I examine my eyes as they seem to slide down the sides of my face. Brilliant blazing hair on my arms from a bending lamp head, like gold spider webs. Where do these dark circles come from, I ask looking at the mirror again. Probably the shadows creeping out from the back of my cave, come to paint on my face at night.

AIM
Caitlin
sometimes i wonder what winks mean hehehhe

Jordan
umm
not sure

Caitlin
well they entail a secret lol
i mean traditionally

Jordan
oh

Caitlin
but now if used in a bar to some person it means ur hot
or lets fuck

Jordan
haha

Caitlin
or im drunk and something got in my eye

Jordan
><

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I have no social life...i foresee many nights of going to bed early simply because I have what like two friends. Lame...
In other news I'm a terrible person, and a jealous one.
Yet more news...I'm angry, depressed and wait thats nothing new..

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One thing about new people you get involved with is that everything will be different. The way I expect to be treated, or treat them is very different then the last time. I’m not sure how to handle it. To be honest it makes me want to say to them, what the fuck? It’s a weird situation for me, I’m disappointed and sad and frustrated all at the same time.

On the other hand I’ve finally moved into my own room, in my own house. I have four other roommates, Natalie, Grant, Maddy and Simone. Hippies, pot smokers, incense burning typical Humboldt State students. If someone came to stay with me, they would get the real Humboldt college experience. The house itself seems to be leaning to the west, and the water on the floor of the bathroom seeps that direction. My room is the most central room in the house, I have no windows just a skylight. It’s also the biggest room, long and narrow. Wood panels cover half the walls, white paint and mirror closets the other half. The carpet is brown-green shag, and the whole thing freaks me out more then it sounds fun. I turned out the light last night and it was black. I felt awkward lying there in all my junk, alone for the first time in months. I reached out for the nothingness around me, and was handed back an empty jar of cold pitch.

I’ve noticed the dark circles under my eyes growing, or just becoming more and more noticeable. The ache in my muscles is literally the only thing I am happy about. I feel like my body is the only thing doing anything productive, and practicing something to better itself. I feel like I’m walking through molasses, and I’m in that place where I don’t know if what I am doing right now will be regretted later, because I am so oblivious to it, so caught up in it. I know I haven’t been able to feel that simple relaxed feeling since summer. I just can’t let go, and sit there. When I sit and try to just turn off, space out, I can’t do it. I’m so anxious, beyond anxious.

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