Brains!

i dont know what has happened to me. i dont think anything really has happened, im just crazy, im making myself think im worse off then i am. i just see myself as taking steps back as others are on a moving walkway. that i fell into a group that might be adding to this. am i being labled for this? how do i get out of this? this sounds obscure but i dont folks reading and getting offended. yet i cant help what i feel deep down honestly even if it sounds jealous and cruel. i just get suddenly frustrated when i hear somethings. is that what i have turned into, up here along the redwood coast? im experiencing extremes i guess. i am becoming more self aware in the world geographically and politcally speaking, but my heart is going back to bloody middle school. do i just need to get laid? i dont think that will satisfy anything. maybe i should just smoke out, great turn to fucking drugs when your going down some kind of jagged spiral staircase. whatever i cant do that i dont know anyone well enough and im all awkward now (labeled). what do i want? what am i growing to be? i though college was where u find yourself, im just getting more confused. im decending the other side of the mountain into a valley i havent visited in a while. i hope theres another peak somewhere around here, the one i imagined.