Brains!

I do not like that I am suddenly conscious of my body. Constantly worried about the way it looks. I haven’t felt like this since I was a freshman, since before James.

Finally I am having a better day. I have had a couple weeks of instability. Relapsing. Worries about school kept me busy, but eventually wore me out. My hormones raging, finally gave me some much-needed rest, and I ended my cycle. When James’s birthday came along on Cinco de Mayo, I was beat. I was supposed to go to a Potluck, but suddenly something got the best of me. Something I had not felt in a couple of years. I satisfied needs with James, I suppose it was part of his birthday present. I knew it was a bad idea, I knew it would be and I cried. But it was his birthday. The rest of the week I drove myself insane. My ears grew worse. Eventually I was deaf in both ears, unless someone yelled at me I couldn’t hear a thing. Everything grew very closed in, muggy fog in my head. The pressure was horrible. For a little while I thought I could hear a little man walking up a staircase in my left ear. The echoing foot steps in an empty building. But it was my blood pulsing through my clogged ears. I got them cleaned this morning, after I found myself awake for hours last night. Now I can hear clearly, every tick, every ringing bell, bird chirping. The aching pain in my head, led me to rely on James for a few things. Also I did not have the car at all most of the week, and I found myself walking home ways that I didn’t need to go, past certain places. I went out often, walking those unusual ways often. But I would come home without the desired result. Then I turned to the easy source. I have to stop myself from wanting to hold on to James again, from wanting to kiss him for the comfort, not for the feel good sensation. Simply for the attention.

Everyone I meet who shows the slightest interest in me, I fall in love with. I think it’s part of my insecurity about myself. The attention I get suddenly gives me a natural good feeling. But after I crave it, and wonder why it’s not there. I ask too many questions and stop the moon from guiding me. Why can’t I just have friends?

I think I have an anxiety issue about separating from people. Why can’t I leave a place without freaking out about leaving people behind? I find any time I am going to leave people for an extended about of time, or they are going to leave me, I start to crash. I cry, I think I can’t survive without these people. I question why they are leaving, should I make them stay, or if I am leaving, whether I am making the best decision. But soon after I have finished crying in the loneliness I make for myself, I get over it, and I am better. But the initial break is the hardest part. This has happened with James, my parents, my best friends when I moved to college. These people are all quite different. I suppose people I am the most honest with, people I have depended the most on.